speaking of which...

The pictures from the below mentioned post are now ready and can I just say that baby horses rock my world!!!!

Check them out here.

god bless camera phones...

Ugh…so I don’t have too much time to blog because I’m in a state of “über editing” as I like to call it! I’m in the process of editing three different photo shoots, all of which were incredibly fun and all of which I want to see the results RIGHT NOW!

One of them though was out in rural Ottawa with some very photogenic horses! Yeah for me! Not only did we have a blast but the day got somewhat documented by another camera that happen to be on hand.

So I wanted to post of couple of pictures of me hard at work and out in the sticks!! You’ll be able to see the final photos from this shoot over at my photo blog hopefully within the next week or so but in the meantime, both wedding slideshows are now up! Whew…what a month!

Thanks Shawn for having such a wicked camera phone!!!

one hundred years of solitude...

I think that I’ve mentioned on more than one occasion about my need to have time and space to myself. I’m pretty sure that this is a result of being an only child and never having been forced to share either if I didn’t want to. My regular routine has generally included numerous hours of reading or writing on my own without the obligations and responsibilities of the outside world.

Now, having said that, those days seem to have come and gone!!!! In fact, I have never been busier or worked harder in my entire life than I have during the past two months and with that, my solitary hours of “nothing-ness” have become a thing of the past!! Much to my own surprise though, I don’t seem to mind too much. There is the odd Monday morning meltdown (“ugh…is it Monday already?!?!”) but otherwise, my stamina has been holding out rather well despite the fact that my body wants to sleep for an entire week!

Knowing all too well that my days of solitude and leisurely summer reading have gone the way of high school summer breaks, I’ve been trying to find a way to incorporate the days I once knew with the days I now have. So far, it’s been a lot of bringing my laptop to work and enjoying my lunch hour Starbucks whilst I edit photos. But I’ve had to be more creative lately because the pace has picked up and I now find myself juggling photo shoots and needing even more time in order to make sure that they don’t pile up too much!! So yesterday, after spending the afternoon shooting the most adorable of one year olds, I parked myself on my living room floor, turned on season four of Sex & the City and continued working on my other two shoots in the company of my favourite New York City girls! It was lovely! I can’t believe that I hadn’t thought it earlier!!

Ergonomic…shmergonomic!! Mental health is far more important than good posture!!

the dark side of facebook...

I’ve concluded that you don’t ever really know someone that until you’ve seen their Facebook profile! Okay, that’s not true but I am realizing that when it comes to people that you are acquainted with, their cyber world can and does become a very revealing place.

I recently became “friends” with someone that I’ve known since late last year. She is seriously one of the most stunning of stunning girls that I’ve ever met! She should be on a Calvin Klein poster somewhere and come to think of it…I have no doubt that she actually will one day! I never realized though just how little I really knew about her until I creeped onto her profile page to get a glimpse into her “real life”. From the stories that she would tell me, I always knew that life was far more adventurous than mine had ever been but I only just discovered that that’s putting it very midly!!!

So, not only has she received the lion’s share of beauty in this world but, she’s also visited every continent in the world; lived on three of them; been accepted to two Ivy League schools; worked as a photographer for a modeling agency; begun work on her own upcoming photography exhibit and is in the midst of debating which Ph.D. would suit her best.

Did I mention that she’s twenty years old…?!?!

Seriously, I don’t think that I can be friends with her anymore!!! That’s simply too much magnificence to read about first thing in the morning!!!!

Note to self: only read about gorgeous, brilliant, cultured, talented, twenty year olds who can use the words “post-modernism” and “neuropsychology” in the same sentence when tequila is well within arm’s reach! Ugh!

too many memories...

So apparently, the wrath of 2009 has caught up with me and I have post-traumatic stress. I haven’t been sleeping well for the last little while and certain things seem to trigger panic attacks in me of the likes that I haven’t experienced in years.

The night that I first discovered the lump was a Thursday. It was one of the first really warm days of the season and we had just been out for a walk. The sun had gone down, the windows were open and the night air was still really comfortable. We had been in our bedroom laughing about something and the television was playing some rerun of a sitcom. Our cat was playing on our bed with a green blanket that had just come out of the dryer. I could hear the neighbors outside and the busyness of everyone relishing summer for the first time in many months. I am finding that any of these memories, aligned in just the right way, end up flooding me with an overwhelming feeling of recognition that I can’t quite shake. It brings me to tears, it brings me to my knees and it brings me to a place that I would rather not remember over and over again.

The day that we received the call saying that I was healthy was a Monday. It too was an unusually warm day and the wind was blowing through in a sometimes violent manner. Dozens of little kids were outside preparing for soccer practices and neighbors were out walking their dogs. Tugger was stretched out in a ray of sun across our kitchen floor. I can remember the smell of someone nearby barbecuing ribs and the sound of a lawnmower. The days were getting longer and the anticipation of summer was getting nearer. But these things don’t matter because I am still locked in Thursday and the perpetually slow speed at which Monday seemed to find its way to us.

Fortunately, one of the top specialists in the region for treating post-traumatic stress is right here in Ottawa and also fortunately, my particular case has become enough of a priority that I am not forced the endure the four or five month waiting list that most people are being subjected to. Instead, I will spend the next three months, starting today, being treated for a wound that happened in a moment.

My new project this summer is going to extend beyond my photography or my writing or planning our trip to Italy; it’s going to include learning to cope with life after seeing a scarier side of it; It’s going to include learning to find joy in places despite my found realization that they can be gone in an instant; It’s going to include being brave enough to stare down my worst nightmare and not let it haunt me in my dreams anymore.

It’s going to include being happy again.

shadow of a doubt...

Wow…it’s been a while since I’ve been here! I’m surprised sometimes at how easy it is to lose track of time and I’m equally surprised at how distraught I can get when I’ve realized that I haven’t kept any record of that time. Clearly, I’ve created a monster here!

I’ve been thinking a lot about doubt lately. I’m not really sure if I consider it a good thing or not to doubt the world around you but I’ve concluded that while I live my life very strongly through the roots of my faith…that faith has almost constantly been challenged along the way. I’m certainly not a skeptic of the world. In fact, I rather enjoy being able to things at face value and trust in the truth of things around me…but I do ask a lot of questions. I’m pretty sure that given the chance, Brother David would have liked to have sent me to the back of the classroom during Bible Study because I’m the annoying one that wants an explanation for what the world was like before Jesus came to town!

So yes, I do question the world. I’ve questioned my faith; I’ve question my religion; I’ve questioned my choices and the choices of others; I’ve questioned whether or not the doctors are right; I’ve questioned the road that I’ve walked down; I’ve questioned a lot of things I my life…and it’s possible that I haven’t questioned enough things…but is that the same as doubting? Are they one in the same?

I started wondering this when I noticed that I was questioning myself and my abilities and my worth and my place among my fellow humans. Or rather, I should say that I started doubting all of these things which, having been in the midst of it, felt very different from simply putting the questions out there. Doubting felt like my mind had already been made up before even receiving the answer. Doubting felt like scrutiny that wasn’t waiting for a rebuttal. Doubting felt like telling instead of asking. Doubting felt sucky!

Luckily though, I realized that even my doubts should be subjected to the same questioning that I unleash on everything else! If we are to doubt something; faith, love, ourselves, whatever…then we should at least be willing to scrutinize our doubts in the same manner that scrutinize that which we are doubting. It’s only fair because I think that doubt comes from a darker place than questioning does and doubt can shed a darker shadow over our lives than the simple act of questioning can.

Of course, we all want to live lives with the kind of conviction that leaves no shadow of a doubt but that’s only possible when we make enough room for the light to get in.

all grown up...

Well Dorothy...I don't think that we're in Kansas anymore!

Ladies and gentlemen...the business cards have been printed, the word is out and the official fifteen:fifty-one photography site has been launched!

so.exciting.

Visit the new site here...

{if you're viewing on Internet Explorer v.6...it might be a bit finicky...IE has a personal vendetta against me!!}

one of many...

It seems needless to say that the “summer of Gen” hasn’t exactly started out as planned but then again; it’s not officially summer yet, so there’s still hope! As a matter of fact, some good friends and I have decided that the second half of 2009 is going to blow every other year out of the water! From our lips to God’s ears!!!

This past weekend proved that we might have been heard after all! We didn’t do anything exceptionally out of the ordinary but, we were in good company for the weekend and that’s exactly what we needed. Steve and I did our last long run of our training on Saturday morning which always makes me happy because it hereby gives me permission to eat and be lazy for the remainder of the weekend!

I was supposed to have a photo shoot on Saturday afternoon/evening but we got rained out so my two hours of taking pictures turned into two hours curled up in bed with my kitty cat and my latest book! Frankly, it doesn’t get much better than that...regardless of how much I love taking pictures!

We headed out to the Market to spend Saturday night with some friends (and the best white wine that I’ve ever had – way to go New Zealand!) and it was seriously one of the very best nights that I’ve had in a really long time!

Sunday was the re-scheduled photo shoot with a kick ass couple followed by the afternoon spent with our niece and nephew who were on a “fly-by” visit between Edmonton and New Brunswick. While the boys hung out terrorizing with the kids, us ladies took off to Starbucks to raise a latté to good health, new careers and amazing friends & family.

It was really the perfect weekend.

I was thinking about it later this week though and tried to figure out why I enjoyed it so much. Like I said, we didn’t do much out of the ordinary but the weekend, albeit quite busy, left me feeling really rejuvenated and energized. I finally figured it out today when I was making small talk with someone that I don’t know very well and it suddenly struck me; pretending is a lot of work!!! Plain and simple!

I used to spend a lot of time with people that were merely superficial friends; those that you socialized with but don’t really know much about you. In fact, a large part of my life was like that and ultimately, it left me in a group of people and not really knowing anyone at all. It also left me up to my ears in drama and unexpressed expectations because all parties involved weren't being honest with themselves or each other. Over the last few years though, I’ve done a rather large “purge” regarding my social circle and slowly started putting some distance between myself and those that I don’t entirely feel comfortable with. I guess as I got older, I decided to limit the people that I share my life with and as a result, I’m become very particular about who I’m willing to be friends with…friendships free of pretences and superficiality; people that don’t just pop up in your life when they want to share their great news or prove something to you…but those that share the not so great as well. It wasn’t necessarily an easy decision to make at the time…but now that I’m in it, I’m glad that I did.

I had a new appreciation this weekend for those in my life that render humility a much easier task. It isn’t always easy to be open about fears and insecurities, challenges and sadness, jealousy and envy…but my friends make it easy. And not only do they make it easy…they bring great wine too!!

Really…what more could a girl want?!?