Early on Saturday morning, we said goodbye to our new house…


…and nine hours later, drove into Tilbury…

Four or five times a year, the drive between Ottawa and Tilbury becomes our Smyth family migration! Whether it be holidays, special occasions or too long between visits, the Smyth B&B is always a place of reprieve for Steve and I. Under the protective custody of our home away from home, we are given the opportunity to unplug from the electrically charged outlet that is our life and recharge our batteries. Sometimes I wonder how we would ever get through life without our weekends of homemade brownies and big family breakfasts.

This is the first time that our trip to Tilbury is actually just merely a fraction of our journey. Tomorrow afternoon, we head for Detroit for twenty-eights hours of flight time on our way to Sydney. Despite this obvious difference in destination, our time spent in Tilbury has still provided the very “recovery” that we need before such a venture…

For the past two days, I’ve slept twelve hours a night, sipped wine, laughed with family, indulged in home made cheesecake and taken a slight pause between having left two months of an extreme pace and the upcoming trip of a lifetime. With this little break in our life under our belt, I think that we’re officially ready for take off!

God Bless This Home!

Is there something in the water these days…???

I wanted to take a quick break from all of our new house and Australia talk to mention some really exciting news among some of our favourite people…

As it turns out, fall of 2008 is going to bring many new and wonderful faces to our world that Steve and I simply can’t wait to meet!!!

Colin & Sandra are expecting their first on August 29th, Mark & Helene are expecting their second on September 13th and Mark & Trish are expecting the newest Brinkman on September 15th. So wonderful!

With all the little ones due right around the same time, it will give us a great opportunity to chart their progress! You know, who’s walking first…who’s talking first…who’s quoting Shakespeare first..!!! I think it will be very good for everyone’s self esteem!!!

I’ve been meaning to post here numerous times over the course of this week but as it turns out…ditching your boss for a month isn’t as easy as it sounds!! Every day this week has been a whirlwind of loose ends and one small crisis after another. At the end of the day though, our flight is taking off whether all the work is done or not. And you better believe that I’m going to be on it!!!

I went to my last bible study class this past week. I’ve been studying the Apologetics with Brother David for a little over two years now and I can say, without a shadow of a doubt, that our last four months of study together has been among some of the most challenging discussions I’ve ever had. The Church is often criticized for not keeping up with the times and progressing at the same speed in which society appears to be. The more I study though, the more I’m convinced that we need the Church’s stability to keep us grounded. Our society lives on the edge of a very slippery slope cloaked in a veil of progress and tolerance. While we bask in our nobility of “putting up with each other”, we are actually falling far short of God’s expectations which requires us to actually respect one another and not just tolerate each other. We are to recognize and acknowledge each other’s human dignity as creations of God’s image…this is a standard that sadly enough, we don’t seem to collectively hold ourselves to. As Children of God, we are not to settle for the lesser of two evils…instead, we are to raise the bar, hold each other accountable and change our lives. The strong conviction of the Church and its people, rooted in thousands of years of structure and discipline, is sown together with the threads of higher standards. Needless to say that this past “semester” of the Apologetics has left me with a lot to think about regarding the contributions that I make towards honouring human dignity. I am constantly left in wonder of God’s grace and the potential that He sees in all of us…

On another note, the Gallery hosted the Vernissage for the Governor General’s Awards for Media and Visual Arts tonight. It’s always so incredible to see people’s passions and life long work get recognized in such a manner, and to know that you’ve played a part in it, as small as it may be, is often very moving. Dare I say it…but yes, there are sights and sounds that I will miss about my job while I’m away!!

Cue the therapist…this isn’t normal!!!

This is how France and I feel about having Joanne N. so far away! Korea better appreciate what they have because our pouting knows no bounds over here in Ottawa!!!

We miss you Joanne! xoxo

"Easter says you can put truth in a grave, but it won't stay there."
~ Clarence W. Hall


For more pictures from our Easter Weekend, click here.

Five years ago this evening, I did my first communion. Five years ago this evening, I stood before God and chose a different path. Five years ago this evening, I entered a life of higher expectation and a miracle that was larger than life.

As a child, I was baptized as a Catholic but, neither one of my parents are religious people and the Church was never part of our life. We often attended mass for Christmas or Easter but I think it’s fair to say that none of us truly had a relationship with God of any kind…my parents, by choice and my self, for lack of knowing any thing different.

I don’t imagine that it’s ever easy coming into your faith. Pope John Paul II strongly believed that people had to move away from God in order to find their way back to Him. He also believed that the Church’s most important role was to give people a place to go when they finally did find their way back. Finding your faith as an adult though is an emotional roller coaster that can take you to some of the deepest and darkest places of your soul. As adults, we’ve often created our own prisons of fear and anger that get strongly challenged while in the presence of great conviction.

My own story really doesn’t have a whole lot to tell. I have been drawn to churches for as long as I can remember and while something continually called to me, I seldom ever entered its sanctuary. One faithful day, I was telling an old friend about it and she invited me to go to church with her one day. I went…I fell in love and the rest is a history wrought with tears and surrender. People often ask me what made me choose the Catholic Church. I always answer the same thing… “I didn’t choose it…I chose me”. And that’s the truth.

At the time, nearly five and half years ago, my life was a much darker place than it is now. I was lost and struggling. I was angry and hurt and frustrated. I felt more broken that I ever have in my entire life. While I don’t remember feeling a great deal of sadness at the time, I do remember feeling a lot of indifference, which looking back, is so much worse. The moment that hopelessness sets in is the moment that the fires in your heart begin to extinguish and you have to hope like hell that the devil doesn’t come and claim payment that day.

My eight months in preparation for my first communion was an extremely difficult and deeply spiritual experience. I realized time and time again that the scars of my past were real and that if I was ever going to heal, I had to let go and find room in my heart for forgiveness…room to forgive myself. At some point in time, I had to stop punishing myself for everything that I couldn’t make right and for all the people that I couldn’t make happy. At some point in time, I had to allow my life to be shaped by the people that did love me as oppose to the people that refused to love me.

The morning of my communion, my group and I met in the basement of our church. Holy Week had been a marathon of church services and most of us would find ourselves weeping from emotional exhaustion that was overwhelming at times. Father Joe asked that he be given a moment with each of us to express, through prayer, what he had learned about our individual journeys to this day. When my turn came, he placed his hands on my head, Father Michael held my hands and while I tears streamed down my face, I heard Father Joe whisper “I pray that you will be healed of your past hurts enough to recognize your future husband when he walks into your life.”

Two weeks later, I met Steve.

My relationship with my husband is nothing short of miraculous. My relationship with God is nothing short of spectacular. And every year, on this day, I take a moment to look back and remember the incredible blessings and grace that was bestowed on me that Saturday evening. Little did Father Joe know that I would be healed of my past hurts because my husband walked into my life. My husband is my proof of God’s love and compassion for lost souls that are just trying to find their way back. Of course, even marriage doesn’t provide any guarantees and marriage in no way heals the wounds that only you can take care of but, sometimes, certain experiences stand out in our lives so clearly as the hand of God. Love does heal all wounds and love is God’s greatest gifts. Love is acknowledging our hopelessness and taking us by the hand anyways. Love is sacrificing your only Son so that the rest of us could spend eternity by your side.

May the miracles of your life shine ever brightly this weekend, for the greatest miracle of all has already happened…

This past weekend, we opened our house to thirty of our closest friends and finally, turned it into a home!

The result was a chocolate fiesta beyond our wildest intentions and an evening filled with good laughs, great food and runaway cameras!!

I like to think that I always make a really big effort to fully appreciate the people in my life but, this past weekend, I was overwhelmed by how amazing our friends really are. As they called in babysitters, travelled from out of town, spent hours sharing with us and added their own personal touch to our new home, I found myself feeling truly astounded by the incredible people that we have come to surround ourselves with.

It was many hours into the morning before we finally made it to bed but, even then, I had a hard time sleeping because I was thinking about how great it was to have everyone with us. While we always make an effort to keep in touch as much as possible with our friends, it isn’t always easy to do so as much as you would like when the forces of nature step in the way. But then, there are moments when you manage to all come together, laugh a little louder and remember why you love being friends in the first place.

I was sad to see everyone go but, it’s time to focus our attention elsewhere now. The Land Down Under awaits us and we only have eight working days left! As it is with any major change in life…eventually, it stops being a change and just starts being life. And apparently, life is what happens when you’re busy planning a housewarming party!!!

For more pictures from the party, click here.

For pictures from Jamie's album, click here.

People have been asking me lately how Lent has been going. I’m not quite sure if Lent is something that all branches of Christianity practice but, I know that for Catholics, Lent is a very sacred time of reflection, renewal and discipline. Normally, I thrive during Lent. Devoting myself to a deeper spiritual commitment has always cleansed my soul in a way that renews me for the rest of the year.

As for this year, for lack of a better description, Lent has been a train wreck! I’ve come to the conclusion that the weeks surrounding any major life change (in my case, a big move) is not the time for discipline! When I come to think of it though, 2008 in general has been a bit of struggle regarding my religious devotion. I haven’t been very reliable in attending mass and my appearances at Bible Study have been rather sporadic.

In moments like this…I have a tendency to get a bit disappointed with myself because I know deep down that it’s during tumultuous times (good or bad) that I need to ground myself even more in my faith. The church is built on a rock for a reason…because it makes for a very solid foundation when we need it most. However, it was at this time that I remembered something that Elizabeth Gilbert spoke of in her book Eat Pray Love; She mentioned a little tale that was often told in India about a group of very devout monks that would spend hours a day praying. The only problem was that one of the monks had a very annoying cat! The cat would constantly spend his time intertwined in everyone’s legs and meowing relentlessly. So, as a solution, the monks decided to tie the cat up to a tree while they were praying. For years, every day, the monks would tie the cat to the tree and begin praying. Then, one day, the cat died and suddenly, the monks couldn’t pray. They found themselves unable to concentrate anymore because the cat wasn’t tied to the tree.

This was told as a cautionary tale to not let the routine and rituals of your religion determine your relationship with God. While each ritual is beautiful and precious in its own way, God’s relationship is with you, with or without your household pet tied up in the backyard!

This made me feel a lot better because really, with that being said, my Lenten season has been one of the best. I’ve read more of my Bible in the first three months of 2008 than I have in all of 2007, and I’ve spoken to God and given Him my challenges more naturally than I ever have before. To put it bluntly, I’ve shown that I don’t need the cat to say the prayer! And I’m quite sure that new realms of spirituality like that have to make up, at least a little bit, for having eaten too many Mini Eggs!!

A friend of mine, Damon, posted this on his facebook page and I think it’s one of the greatest things I’ve ever seen!

Improv taken to a whole new level…

I love New York!

Okay…I give up! You found me…again!

For about six weeks now, I’ve enjoyed blogging without certain people lurking within the realms of my cyber world. While I enjoy having people stop by and joining in the fun, some people were visiting literally for months without ever making themselves known. Eventually, I started to probe a bit into the identity of my regular visitors as I much prefer to know who is choosing to share in my day to day life. Not only did this reveal nothing but, it actually caused some of them to start using proxy servers in order to keep themselves even more anonymous.

That annoyed me!

These visitors have no reason to believe that their presence wouldn’t be welcome however, going out of your way to make your identity unknown gives me every reason to believe that I likely don’t want them lurking around my site. Hence, I changed my site address.

Low and behold though…I’ve been tracked down again! And all at the same time none the less. Just this week, my visitor from Calgary, my visitor using some “internet for everyone” server and of course, the infamous “proxy lord” guest has re-appeared. Grrrr…

I have reason to believe that our “former” visitor from Bermuda is now our “new” visitor on proxy lord. One disappeared while the other suddenly appeared. Coincidence?? I do think it’s worth noting though that our visitor from Bermuda highly underestimated our cyber savvy abilities because we managed to figure out that they work at a law firm in Bermuda. We actually know which one too but, I’ll be so kind as to not mention it here.

Anyways, you win! Have your way with me if you must but, I certainly hope that you are proud of yourself for invading my cyber world once again!

I have to say though…I’m surprised that you think my life is so interesting that you would go to such lengths to follow along…

In that sense, I’ll take your lurking as a subtle compliment.

Want to know what a record breaking snow fall looks like...?!?!?

80 centimetres in one week...51 centimetres in two days...

For more pictures of our snowy weekend, click here.

Inspired by Lesley…

How would you describe me in one word??
(please be gentle!)

Given the title of my blog, I feel compelled to make a confession. It’s more than I feel comfortable “putting out there” but, I’ve also come to learn that what’s even harder than being honest with others, is being honest with yourself…

I do, and have for most of my life, suffer from a lot of inadequacy issues. For as long as I can remember, I always felt like I wasn’t enough…tall enough, pretty enough, smart enough, funny enough, disciplined enough, righteous enough…whatever it is, my sense of falling short has been overwhelming at times. I’m not entirely sure where this comes from but, I’m willing to bet that it’s a post for another time!

I remember being a little girl and thinking to myself that if I was just a little bit better at math or brushed my teeth a minute longer each day…then I would be an even better daughter and give people even less reason to be upset or disappointed in me. I never wanted to be a burden on anyone or the cause of any grief and somehow, I had convinced myself that being more of “something” would keep that from happening. It never did.

In my last year of university, I shared a house with three other girls. All of us were really experiencing very different times in our lives and by the hand of God, we were all brought together to share those experiences under a common roof. Amanda was just coming out of a divorce, Heidi was starting her first year of university, I was finishing my last year and Jane was a silent witness to it all from her top floor bedroom. I haven’t spoken to any of these girls since that year in our house but, the lingering memory of those eight months has stayed with me for a long time. It was meeting Heidi that really brought those feelings of inadequacy to forefront of my mind and forced a reality upon me that I had never seen before.

Heidi was perfect. She was perfect in as much a way as an imperfect person could be in my eyes. She was beautiful, brilliant, charming, eloquent, poetic, mysterious, extremely devout and every where she went, she left a trail of eyes gazing over their shoulders at her. Men tripped over themselves to talk to her and when they finally did, they stumbled over their words for lack of proper cognitive functioning that often occurred around her. Everyone else, myself included, simply adored her and wanted nothing more than to be in her presence. She walked into a room and everything was suddenly brighter. One night, the two of us were out together and we ran into a friend of mine downtown. He too was with another friend and when he introduced us, he said “this is Heidi…and this is Heidi’s friend”. And he was right. That moment summed up how I often felt around Heidi. I wasn’t really me anymore. Instead, I was someone who constantly fell short of being comparable to her. In all my time of feeling mediocre, it had only ever been a relative feeling. I had not yet learned the art of comparison and up until then, it never occurred to me that for as long as I lived, there were certain people that I would never be as good as.

Before I go any further though, please let me make one thing very clear…nothing that Heidi ever did made me feel this way. She was never manipulative or arrogant. In fact, she was extremely humble and seemed completely oblivious to the spell that she cast on everyone she met. If anything, this made her all the more wonderful. All she ever did was be her self. It nearly drove me mad when I thought about how inadequate I would feel standing next to her. I often used to borrow her clothes or listen to her favourite music in hopes that somehow, this would make me more like her. One evening, when we were getting ready to go out, she looked at me and said “each day, you become more and more like me”! We all had a good laugh but deep down, I ached at knowing that I would never be enough like her. The truth was that not only was she perfect but, she was perfect in every way that I wasn’t. I would never be 5’10” and blonde. I would never have her discipline or self-awareness that constantly compelled her to be a better person. She knew English literature the way most of us know the ABCs and while she had the gift of grace…I was more like a bull in a china shop. I would never be able to be as eloquent on paper as she was and I would never have the perfect, charming smile like hers. I would never possess her amazing sense of style or wear red lipstick like her and frankly…it broke my heart.

After our time together was over, she moved away and we seldom kept in touch. In some ways, it was easier for me because it took me a long time to get over having lived in her shadow. She was never anything but a great friend to me and I wanted nothing more than to understand why I could never be as good as her. About a year ago though, I found her blog and just like that, I had a window into her life again. I would check it from time to time but, after my initial contact, it was clear that she didn’t really want to re-connect, so I kept a bit of distance.

Yesterday though, amidst the snow storm, there was a calm and silence to the day that left me with a bit of unexpected time on my hands. So I searched deep down into the brave part of my soul (believe me, it’s a small place!) and decided to see how Heidi really had been doing all this time. I read pieces of her blog dating all the way back to June of 2003 and watched her very eloquently describe the course of her life from being single and at school to getting married and most recently, the birth of her son, Jude. As I looked at the pages of her life and photographic evidence of it all, I kept asking myself if it was really the same person that I had known for that short time in our lives?? She was so grown up and yet, at the same time, I expected nothing less from her than the fairytale ending that she had created. It was beautiful.

I’ll admit that as I read her reflections of her life, I was confronted with those same feelings that I had many years ago. She was still all of those amazing qualities that I admired, longed for and even more so…she had grown into an even more refined version of herself. My inadequacies still haunt me, even now. What was shocking though was to read portions of her blog in which she expressed her own feelings of inadequacy. How was this possible?? How could she…how could Heidi…this woman that was larger than life, ever feel inadequate about anything?? Didn’t she know what people saw when they looked at her?? Didn’t she know what I saw when I looked at her??

I remember being at Blessed Sacrament a couple of months ago and listening to Father Joe talk about the “obvious” sins that we are confronted with on a daily basis…pride, envy, jealousy. He brought up the intriguing question of the “not-so-obvious” sins that we commit just as often, and sometimes more…the self-inflicted abuse of comparing ourselves to others. He said that we would seldom ever walk up to another person and tell them that they aren’t good enough but, some of us (guilty!) commit this sin on ourselves numerous times a day. Abuse is abuse, he tells me, whether it’s your self or someone else inflicting it. To undermine our own gifts is to take for granted what God gave us…it’s to not appreciate the 5’8” dark-haired temple that he gave my soul. I’ve thought about this a lot of late and realize that this self-abuse is perhaps one of my biggest sins as I seldom ever think twice about shrieking back in the shadows for lack of belief that I have reason to stand out. I’ve been okay with my mediocrity for the most part. I’ve accepted that I blend into the background very nicely and I’ve become accustom to it. What I never learned to accept though was being the paint-by-numbers that is hung next to the Van Gogh.

I understand and appreciate that our great Lord made us right down to our very last detail. And I appreciate that He also intended Heidi and I to share that space in our lives for reason pre-destined long before our meeting. I understand that He single handedly chose her to have those qualities but…He never had to live with her and He never had to look up at the shining light that always radiated from her and feel like your flame was a mere spark in comparison.

I’m sure that there is wisdom and a lesson to be had in all of this one day. I’m sure that there is great knowledge and understanding to come of this internal challenge one day…but I also know that today…is not that day.

Can You Dig It??

Look who made the cover of the Ottawa Citizen this morning!!!

"Bryan Byers clears snow near the Maman spider sculpture at the National Art Gallery yesterday during a storm that dumped 28 centimetres of snow on Ottawa, enough to make it the second snowiest winter."

Photograph by : Bruno Schlumberger, The Ottawa Citizen

Click here for the rest of the story from our latest winter adventure!

I would like to dedicate this next post to my two friends south of the border…Jim and Jason!

I’m beginning to think that the conversational topic of weather is highly underrated. While it used to be the last resort of ice breakers and the clear sign of a struggling conversation, to discuss the weather is to discuss something that universally affects us all in one manner or another.

Jim and I will often discuss what it’s like to live in such varying climates and it goes without saying that the winter months tends to spark the most questions. You don’t really realize how much a community has to adjust to seasonal changes until you meet others who don’t have to so in quite the same way. Always having lived in colder parts of the country, it has always just been second nature to me to adapt to the colder months…but low and behold…it turns out that many people have no idea what we endure for a third of the year!

Canada is by far, one of the coldest countries in the world (alongside Russia) and Ottawa is one of the coldest capitals in the world (number six or seven on the list, I think!) but believe me, we know how to work winter like no else! Normally though, it gets so cold in Ottawa that we don’t often deal with large amounts of snow. We’ll always get a big storm in December or January…then settle into perma-freeze (with temperatures dropping as low as – 40 C. with the wind chill) for the remainder of February and March, during which time, we see very little snow at all because it’s too cold for precipitation. In a nutshell…it sucks!

Since Ottawa sits in a valley, the wind here is horrendous. It’s seldom ever the cold that will get to you…it’s the frigid air that blows through that makes you want to cry! You adapt though. You learn to cope with the temperatures and the cruelty of Mother Nature at times.

This year though, we have experienced a winter unlike any that I’ve seen in my ten years in Ottawa. We have had one dump of snow after another for four straight months now. The slight increase in temperature during the colder months has finally opened the window between “too cold to snow” and “tipping point to endless snow”!!! I have to say…it’s been an adjustment!

Just this morning, we woke up to fifteen more centimeters of snow and are expecting potentially ten more as the day goes on. For a city that is very well equipped for winter, even this brings us to a screeching halt! The snow drifts are starting to look like archeological digs sites in which you can track each significant snow fall of the season. Layer after layer represents each passing snow day and the tell tale of endless shoveling!

On the bright side though…at least we don’t have to cut the grass!!

November 22nd, 2007

December 5th, 2007

December 16th, 2007 ~The largest amount of
snow on the ground at any one
time in Ottawa's recorded history...
75 centimetres!!!

TODAY! ~ March 5th, 2008

One month from today, Steve and I will be leaving Ottawa en route to Australia. Actually, we will be going from Ottawa to Tilbury to Detroit to Texas to Los Angeles…and then to Sydney! No one said that Kangaroos came easily!!

For one month, we will be leaving our world of work and moves and deadlines to go see this…

And this…

And this…

And, of course...these...

Not only are we in for the trip of a lifetime but, upon our return, I’ll be able to cross one more thing off of my “List of 100 things to do before I die” (or as Hollywood has dubbed it… “The Bucket List”). I’ve always wanted to visit Australia and look up at the Southern Cross, and pretty soon, we’ll be doing just that (with two schedualed visits with astronomers for some up close and personal visits!!!).

Also, we’ve just confirmed that we’ll be doing a road trip through the Outback. We’ll fly into Alice Springs, rent a car (I’m hoping that it’s complete with snake bite kits and Dingo repellant gear!!!) and spend the next four days driving through the deserts of Australia to see the likes of Ayers Rock, the Olgas and King’s Canyon.

With this being said…we have one very important thing left to do…

We need to fill our iPod with the very best “Outback Road Trip” Tunes!!! If you’re going to go on the ultimate road trip on the other side of the world…you’ve got to do it right (and you’ve got to it Canuck style!)!!!

So what do you think?? What tunes can we simply not leave without??? Any suggestions??