ever after...

It was a Wednesday…an especially delightful one at that. I remember walking down the street towards our apartment during what seemed to be an absolutely perfect summer afternoon. The air was warm, the breeze was light and sun was beaming through the trees. It was, most definitely, a perfect day!

Steve had called me earlier in the afternoon to let me know that he had a meeting that was going to go a bit later and to just head home…that he would see me there. We normally touch base every evening before leaving work and it felt strange not to hear his voice before leaving the office.

I remember thinking to myself as I approached our apartment that we should go out for dinner or dessert or at least do something to celebrate and enjoy how amazing this summer day. We had had a pretty busy summer up until then; we had just moved into our new apartment a few months earlier and I had just changed jobs a few weeks earlier…so a lot of our time involved adjusting to a new routine and getting used to a lot of changes, albeit good ones. It seemed like the perfect occasion to take a breather from our usual schedules and indulgence in the very best of summer.

Steve had other plans though…

As I walked up the stairs to our top floor apartment, I could hear music coming from our living room and it made me wonder if we had forgotten to turn off the radio before leaving home that morning. As I opened the door, Steve popped his head out from the kitchen…smiled and said hi! Clearly confused (because he was supposed to be a meeting), I merely stood in my tracks wondering what I had missed. As I looked around the room, I quickly realized that Steve’s presence wasn’t the only thing that seemed out of place; our apartment was filled with the smell of his famous lasagna; there were a dozen roses on our table in the hallway; our bed was covered with rose petals and our entire apartment was lit with candles. Before I even had the chance to understand what was happening, my beloved was on one knee with the most beautiful diamond ring I had ever seen. I don’t honestly remember what he said but I remember being speechless because there were no words…only him. Only my Steve…my love…my fiancé!

And here I thought that I was just walking home that day and going out for dinner when really, I was going home and walking right into a fairytale.

a wrestler named jacob...

I’ve been realizing this week just how immature I often still feel in my faith. While I may be turning a year older in a couple of days, I don’t feel like I’ve made the same progress regarding my wisdom. I still worry a lot. I still panic a lot. I still fight the elements a lot. I still would rather talk to God than listen to Him. I still argue with God all the time and often mistake His “not yet” for “no” (and then throw a five year old temper tantrum when I don’t get my way). Most of all though, I still have a really hard time letting go; letting go of the things that I can’t control, letting go of the desire to know the unknown, letting go of the people who have hurt or disappointed me, letting go of my fears and insecurities and letting go of the notion that no matter how much I try to “will” it otherwise…bad things still happen. I have a hard time letting go.

I’m amazed sometimes at how much I am able to lose control (the little amount that I do actually have). My world becomes a fog of anxiety and while I act like time is standing still, it still moves along at its steady pace leaving me looking back, days later, wondering what I did with it. And the reality is that not only do I let this happen…but I make this happen. I make this chaos around me. I make the energy of panic swirl around me in a dense cloud of doom not unlike the funnel clouds that I used to see every summer as a little girl. They too created a deep panic in me that I couldn’t quite shake.

I often spend entire days begging God to help me trust Him more…to take away my despair towards a situation that hasn’t even happened yet (and often never does). And yet I still fight. Just like Jacob, I fight determined to prove to God that I am right and that I ultimately know best. Needless to say that I never win, instead, I make the waiting unbearable with my own rationale and logic (that’s usually drenched with emotion instead of faith).

How do others do it? How do they find that ability to take the possibility of broken hearts and broken dreams, and hand it over for someone else to bear the weight? How did Jacob learn to stop wrestling in the dirt with God all the time? How does someone gain maturity in their faith at the same pace that we gain candles on our cake? When do the answers start coming faster than the questions?

All of this to say that for my birthday, I would like my name to be changed to Israel. It seemed to work nicely for Jacob!!

collecting dust...

I got a very funny email a little while ago that still makes me laugh any time I think about it; it was very short and sweet…saying only “I really love your pictures! Don’t forget that you still owe me a novel though!”

I have to admit that my book has indeed taken a major backseat to my latest endeavor. I only just checked my helium account for the first time today in probably three months. I was pleased to see that three of my articles are still ranked number one! I knew going into this that I wouldn’t have the same time to write as before. I knew that the learning curve would be high and that the business aspect alone would be all consuming but I didn’t realize how much I would miss it. I didn’t realize how much of myself I sorted out here…how much of my self was literally sprawled out on this screen.

Even my journal, that I literally carry with me everywhere I go, has sat unloved in my bag for months without so much as even a date scribbled in it. I can’t really remember a time when I would go more than a day or so without writing; either here, in my journal or to a friend. It’s amazing how much life alters in little ways when you remove such a large component of your day to day living.

So I’ve decided that I’m going to spend my lunch hour on my own today and crack open my journal again. I have so much to write about and no idea where to start so I’ll start with the most obvious place…Starbucks! That should put me in the mood!!! I’ll take my peppermint half-caf (because I’m still purging!) mocha and let the words flow out of me.

And hopefully, with any luck, that will lead to a few more of them here too!

bad gen...

I know…I know…you don’t need to tell me twice; I’m a bad blogger! BUT…to be fair, I’m only a bad blogger because I’m (at least somewhat) a good photographer!

But I did get my wrist slapped today for not “respecting my readership” enough to give you something other than the cute little horse to look at! My bad! So here I am…despite my writer’s block, with my sad attempt at keeping you informed!

We actually only just got back yesterday from our quick little trip to Tilbury and Port Elgin. Steve’s cousin, Sarah, got married last Saturday and we were all there to pay our tribute to Michael Jackson on their dance floor (even Grandma Smyth got her groove on…which is the first that I’ve seen!). Then it was off to Port Elgin to visit Colin and Sandra for a couple of days before making our way back to Ottawa. It actually took us nine painful hours in the car to get home yesterday. How sad is that?!?! This leads me to conclude that I despise two things; construction season and eighty-year-old women who drive ten kilometers below the speed limit. It’s infuriating. Not to mention that we hit Ottawa just in time to for rush hour which meant that it took us another forty-five minutes just to cross town.

On a happy note though; Tugger is still alive and well! He was a bit pissed that we left him for a week (don’t go calling the SPCA…we did leave him in the very capable hands of my father while we were gone!) and then eventually his grumpiness turned into an inability to walk anywhere without being glued to our ankles. Felines are so predictable!!!

Also, I returned home to receive word of four more confirmed photo shoots and another inquiry. I am officially booked solid until mid-September now with two more weddings, an engagement shoot, another maternity shoot, a family session and a couple more surprises that I’m not allowed to mention just yet (because the pictures are a surprise for someone!). I have to say that it was a pretty great way to come home!

I’m kind of surprised that I forgot to mention this sooner but, I’ve decided to go on a caffeine purge! I’ve been drinking oodles of coffee lately because of the crazy late nights that I’ve been pulling editing pictures and recently decided that I’m not cool with that! Coffee is okay…but sleep is better! Tilbury and Port Elgin provided the perfect places to start my purge because there isn’t a Starbucks anywhere within forty minutes of either place. As my reward though for not having coffee for an entire week, we stopped at the Starbucks in the Blue Mountains for a double chocolate chip blended cream frappuccino; the most calorie laden drink ever made but…completely caffeine free!!!!

As anyone who has ever kicked a habit knows very well; you need to substitute your previous behaviour with something new. In my case, I replaced coffee with vampires! That’s right…I caved and started reading Twilight! I’m about three quarters of the way through the first book right now and I’ll admit; I like it! I don’t “read-all-four-books-in-one-week-the-way-Jamie-did” like it…but it’s certainly charming in its own blood sucking kind of way! I don’t think that I’ll continue to read the other three books but then again, I said that about the first one too! I guess only time and caffeine withdrawal will tell!

It’s my birthday next week! That came as a bit of a surprise to me when my sister-in-law gave me an early birthday card while we were in Tilbury because my birthday being around the corner means that the second half of July is also just around the corner…which really blows my mind.

Perhaps my birthday resolution will be to post here more often…?!?!? Or not?!?! Two blogs sounds like a lot of work for a thirty-one year old!!!!