how the mighty have fallen...

It was 9pm last night. Steve and I were sitting on the floor of Hudson's nursery trying to eat our dinner during the five minute window of opportunity that we had when he wasn't crying. It turned out to only be about three minutes instead! Our delicious pasta dishes sat there on his change table getting cold while we took turns trying to answer the age old question; "what does he want now?!?!"

Hudson is going through some growing pains right now. In turn, so are his parents! It turns out that learning muscle control is no piece of cake for little babies and it has left us with a very miserable little man for the better part of this week. He has been left with a very miserable set of parents as well!

Hudson is seven weeks old today and last night, I declared a boycott on Mother's Day this year because I have yet to feel like I've earned it! I'm not going to lie...having a child can play a lot of tricks on your self-esteem! You should just essentially take everything that you thought you knew and just throw it out the window so that you can learn it all over again!!!

A very dear friend of mine (who is on her second child) once told me that the first few months of being a parent are spent grieving for the experience that you thought it would be. It sounded exceptionally sad at the time but in a lot of ways...she was right; when you're pregnant, you don't generally envision the days of crying babies and weeks when you barely fit in a shower. But not only do those days exist...they are numerous and plenty.

The emotional complexity of it though is that despite of all that, the depth of ones love and affection for their child is so profound that yes, you look at them through all of their tears and all of your fatigue...and you just keep going. I realized the other day when Hudson pooed all over me just how much I love that child because I was more excited for him for having pooed than I was sad for me that I was covered in it!!!! I would not have felt that way seven weeks ago!

As we sat there on his nursery floor last night watching our dinner get cold for the what seemed like the hundreth night in a row, I remember something that I had read earlier that day; "It's never too late the become the person that you've always wanted to be". How inspiring is that? It reminded me that right now, while we wait out the maturing of our little boy's digestive system, Hudson is literally growing to become the person that he is going to be and all the while, we are going through a growth spurt of our own...one in which we are becoming more of the people we hope to be. And one that clearly has to be learned with the help of inconsolable babies, swaddling with a vengeance and eating on the go!!!!!!!

Ladies and Gentlemen...welcome to parenting...Smyth-style!!

six weeks later...

Do you ever have those moments when your life feels like a dream?!?! I think that it would be safe to say that my life feels a little bit like that right now! One of those dreams when you wake up and it takes you a couple of moments to decide if everything is real or not! I can remember being in my tenth hour of labour and consciously wondering if this was all really happening or not?!?!? I think that I've been asking that very question ever since!!!

I was walking to Starbucks with Hudson this morning when it occured to me that the last time I had done that was the day before I went into labour. That was nearly six weeks ago. Six weeks! I've been a parent for nearly six weeks! Even just seeing the words seems strange. Stranger still is that I'm having a hard time remembering what life was like before Hudson came along. It's as though he's just always been there!

Now that I've actually survived to tell the story though, I've concluded that becoming a parent was very different than I anticipated; some things were much harder than I thought they would be, while others were far easier than I imagined...

Nights ~ EASIER!
Sleepless nights are the first thing you hear about when having a newborn! "You're going to be sleep deprived for the next decade" we got told on countless occassions. In reality though (at least our reality!)...it's not so bad! You still sleep...just in smaller chunks. And I was amazed how quickly our bodies adapted to the new schedule. Granted, our Hudson is an amazing sleeper and learned night from day fairly quickly, which means that we get five hour chunks of uninterrupted sleep throughout the night and I'll be the first to admit that this makes the difference between being civilized and total insanity!

Recovery ~ HARDER!
I think that physical recovery of labour really goes without saying but I was taken aback by the emotional recovery that comes with having a child. And perhaps recovery isn't really the right word. Maybe what I'm trying to say is that the emotional acceptance having a child is what I found so challenging. I'd heard from many other mothers that love and attachment didn't necessarily come right away after having a baby; that often it takes time to separate enough from the survival instincts in order to allow yourself to move forward with the emotional connection that comes with being a parent. This was not the case with me. From the moment I first layed eyes on our baby, I was truly, madly and deeply in love with our child. And that love was instantaneous. That love was also quite overwhelming. Much like when I first fell in love with Steve, the emotion was all encompassing and at times, a bit scary. That much love can be terrifying at times and I can vividly remember being up with Hudson at night and sometimes trying to hold myself back for fear of what lie ahead. I'm over that now but it was an element of having a child that I wasn't prepared for. Nobody really mentioned that in the What To Expect books!

Marriage ~ EASIER!
For many years, my biggest apprehension about having children was the idea of losing my husband. I've always heard that children come into this world ready to divide and conquer, so I feared what having a child would do to my marriage. This past six weeks though has done quite the contrary. If anything, I have fallen so much more in love with my husband since watching him become a father and our team building skills have improved so much that we're totally starting to think that we could take on The Amazing Race with a vengeance!! Seriously though, while there are certainly stressful moments that we have to deal with, having Hudson has enhanced our marriage in a whole new way...a very beautiful way.

Hats ~ HARDER!
Who knew that putting those teeny, tiny little hats on a newborn would take so much work?!?! And don't even get me started on keeping them on once you've succeeded!

Reintegration ~ EASIER!
I thought that it was going to take me a good couple of months before I would be ready to walk amongst the three dimentional people again but it turns out that once you're able to actually walk again, Starbucks is just as tasty with a little baby in tow ;)

Soft Spots ~ HARDER!
They freaked me out before I had a child and they freak me out even more now!

I also think it's worth mentioning that I was pleased to find out that labour in general was just as brutal as everyone always said it would be! I know it's strange to say...but I think I would have been disappointed to find out that all the hype was just a big hoax! Now, with that being said, I've also decided that until labour feels a bit more like playing with kittens...then I don't really want to do it again!!

It's amazing to me though how the hardest day of your life also ends up being the very best day of your life too...