My Name is Gen...

I am a wife. I am a daughter and I am a grand-daughter. I am a sister. I am a niece and I am an aunt. I am a friend. I am a Catholic. I am a child of God. I am addicted to Facebook. I am the year of the horse and gaelic for white wave. I am a summer baby and the sign of Cancer. I am a reader and I am a writer. I am putting my life on paper. I am the victim of people's hair fetishes. I am a lover of Gap commercial and strawberry season. I am a teacher and I am a student. I am an athlete. I am a colleague. I am a blogger. I am a Starbucks junkie. I am an Ottawa Senators fan. I am a Canadian. I am lost without peanut butter. I am a safe haven for stray animals and a follower of butterflies. I am a peacemaker at heart and a fighter when provoked. I am the alter ego of a wolf and a politician in a past life. I am urban. I am so in love with my husband that I can't even see straight. I am happiest at home. I am most comfortable in my flip-flops. I am a fabulous photograph on my driver’s license. I am one of the less than 1% of the population who have completed a marathon. I am finding forgiveness in my heart. I am organized. I am creative. I am a slave to detail. I am a musical creature who can't carry a tune. I am a communications major. I am a volleyball all-star. I am an only child and the baby of the family. I am a work in progress and always in recovery from something. I am a leader. I am watching a re-run of Sex & the City. I am a new homeowner. I am shopping for furniture. I am constantly seeking balance. I am in admiration of those who can sing. I am a people watcher. I am grateful for the gift of health and love. I am a believer that the more naps you take, means the more awakenings you will have. I am often wondering what happens next. I am proof that time heals all wounds. I am in information overload. I am no longer frustrated with my computer. I am looking forward to having coffee with friends. I am a Pace Bunny. I am the driver of a standard vehicle. I am a frequent visitor of any bookstore. I am one of many Smyths. I am a woman of mystery. I am craving chocolate. I am saying farewell. I am someone's long lost relative. I am bound for Australia. I am longing for a warm bath. I am enchanted by my friends. I am counting down the minutes. I am praying for guidance and hoping for a miracle. I am remembering days gone by. I am always looking for my keys. I am smelling something yummy. I am nursing my sore legs and nurturing my tired soul. I am a night hawk. I am inspired. I am afraid of thunderstorms and losing the people that I love. I am discovering a whole new side of myself. I am a runner. I am raising my hands to the heavens and I am thanking my lucky stars. I am beyond your peripheral vision and I am Daddy’s little girl. I am convinced that, as the saying goes, not all who wander, are lost.

My name is Gen...
AND I AM AT YOUR FINGERTIPS.

Dear Friends!

I’ve been running around aimlessly for the past ten days trying to keep up with the endless stretch of post-it notes that lay before me! I feel like my life at this time is a disarray of scribbles notes and random appointments that I either do or do not manage to remember. Really…what’s better than a life of chaos to keep you out of trouble?!?!

Anyways, my inbox is currently overflowing with messages that I had full intention of replying to but instead, have begun to haunt me in the night as yet another day goes by. As I turn off my light before bed, I can hear the likes of my hotmail and facebook accounts quietly whispering my name as a reminder of just how far behind I really am!

So what’s a girl to do when confronted with a panic-inducing schedual that has no end in sight??? She blogs!!!

I currently have a whole list of things that I’ve been meaning to write about (I’m sure it’s written on one of my post-it notes somewhere!!!) but right now, I will take this opportunity to use my blog as the “stress reliever/multi-tasker” that I so desperately need right now. While I would love to be able to sit down and reply to everyone one eloquent email at a time…the truth is, at this rate, your reply would likely come as a 2008 Christmas card sometime in early December!! That would be another perfectionist’s worst nightmare! So for this brief moment…I have a Starbucks in hand…the Blue Crush soundtrack on to induce mellow feelings of sun and surf…and my sexy laptop to let my fingers do the talking!! And it goes a little something like this…

Needless to say that 2008 has kept us on our toes and slightly out of trouble!! While Steve and I knew that the first half of the year was promising to be eventful, I don’t think either of us could have anticipated the constant thrill that comes with so much excitement…the most obvious of which being our new house. We have our final inspection next Tuesday and it will be the first time that we’ll see it completed and looking even remotely live-able. From the outside, it looks like home…on the inside, it’s still a mystery!!! I think that the two of us are enduring a slight case of the “second-guessing” phase regarding the endless choices that we had to make. Now that we are on the single digit countdown, it has also brought with it a unique anxiety about the final product. It’s been so long since we made those choices that we’ve almost forgot what to anticipate and in times like that, the imagination tends to take on a life of its own!! On the flip side though, we are, of course, beyond excited! After eight months waiting and planning, we are ready to take on our new home with a vengeance!! Slowly, as the days go by, our apartment looks more and more barren. Boxes are piled up against every wall and it’s becoming very apparent just how much stuff can really get collected when you stop looking!

A group of us ran the Hypothermic Half-Marathon yesterday morning and for lack of better words…it sucked!! We found ourselves in the deep frost of an 8am Sunday morning doing the same 2.5 kilometer stretch of the Experimental Farm EIGHT TIMES!!! I don’t think that I need to go into much depth here about just how boring this can be on a well-trained day nonetheless a day when your legs feel like lead! To make things even worse, we had to run right through the finish line in order to complete our last 1.1 kilometer only to find out that they actually stopped running the clock. Thanks for that Running Room!! Nothing makes a runner happier than having to imagine the misery of their finishing time (jerks!)!! On a good note though, I finally finished a race with Jesper, Kathy and Charlotte!! There isn’t three other people that I would rather be more miserable with than the three that I ran with!!! I’m sure that we’ll find ourselves laughing about this race in due time but, when I came home tonight, I found a registration form for the Ottawa Race Weekend in my mailbox and the only thing I could think was “Pfft”!!!!! So as of right now...I'm not laughing yet!!!

Plans for our trip are coming along nicely. In total, we have purchased a total of ten airline tickets and earned ourselves a boatload of points on our credit card!!! Like Canada, Australia is one of those places in which you can’t really see the Rockies and Niagara Falls in a day trip…hence, you will find yourself logging many miles in as little time as possible. All of our visas are arranged and our accommodations are reserved so really, the last thing left to do is figure out how to entertain ourselves for twenty-six hours worth of flying!!! I have a sneaking suspicious that I may find out things about my husband that I would rather not know!!

In the midst of all of this, there is of course work. Life at the Gallery is going well. We are opening the exhibit for the Saskatchewan sculptor, Joe Fafard, this week and it’s turning out to be quite the anticipated show. The reviews so far are wonderful and I’m really excited to see the installation once it’s complete. One of the most fascinating elements of working in an art gallery (for me anyways!) is when you get to work on an exhibit in which the artist is still living. It just brings such dimension and perspective to hear about it directly from the mouth of the creator and from my experience, they are generally so humbled to have their work shown in a national institution. It’s an incredible thing to be a part of.

On a side note, Lent is coming up. I’ve been thinking a lot lately about what commitment and sacrifices I want to make for Lent. I have been feeling lately as though I have not really been outwardly expressing the best version of myself that I could be and that upsets me a little bit. I’ve been so busy and caught up with things that I haven’t really been able to stop and take inventory on how I’ve been feeling of late. This has created a bit of an imbalance in some friendships of mine that are very important to me. I’ve been having emotions towards them that I am unable to explain, and therefore, have been unable to understand. I do know however, that as of late, I have been feeling anxious about whether or not I matter as much to some people in my life as they do to me. For some, this may seem like a silly concern but, for me, it leaves me feeling as though I need to protect myself. It leaves me feeling as though I can’t get too attached because I feel a strong possibility of coming to the harsh reality that my role in someone’s life wasn’t as I once thought.

There are two people in my life in particular that bring out this inner struggle in me. Both mean the world to me and both have such a strong sense of connection around them that I often wonder if there is any room in it for me. Steve says that we don’t always have to mean as much to others as they do to us, and for the most part (**sigh**), I would agree with that but sometimes, you just meet and know people that you want to “belong” to the same way they “belong” to you. And sometimes, the thought of not “belonging” to them hurts more than the thought of not having them at all. Do you think this is an only child thing?? Perhaps an abandonment thing?? Please…bring on the therapy!!!!! Anyways, this having been said, I’m trying to find a way to fit this fear and inner struggle into my Lenten commitment. I haven’t really shared much about this with anyone yet as this insecurity isn’t really something that I’m very proud of but, I realize now that it’s been making me sad…and while I probably should have shared it with God before sharing it here…I do hope He’ll understand!

So, here we are, nearly through the month of January already and I can hardly believe my eyes. There is this great new song by Raine Maida that I think of often right now. The chorus goes “If I knew now what I knew then…I’d back up and do it all again…I’d take a bow…take it real slow...take a ride down the yellow brick road…and wise up”. Every time I hear it, it reminds me of the days in elementary school when summer break seemed to take forever to go by and now, here we are, just wishing that the days would slow down long enough to write back to everyone one at a time instead of all at once. Wise up indeed!

Thank you to everyone that has touched based recently…I appreciate hearing from you!

Maureen…I haven’t forgotten about you…our conversation isn’t over yet!!

Kate…HAPPY BELATED BIRTHDAY beautiful girl. I wish I could have been there to tell you in person. xoxo.

Russ…what kind of radio station madness have you created over there in NB?!?!

Lesley…I have your buttons here ;)

“Victoria Chris”…the canal is open now and it makes me miss running with you!

Bermuda friend…we still haven’t convinced you into telling us who you are yet, huh?!?!?!

Abby...thank you thank you thank you for calling! I'm WILL call you back (and hopefully before your little one is old enough to answer the phone!!!!)!


Till next time everyone!!
Much love,
Gen xoxo

p.s. I'll post pictures soon and I’m sad Heath Ledger died ☹

About a month ago, I had coffee with a good friend of mine in from out of town. Sometime during our conversation, she mentioned to me that she didn’t think she was a very forgiving person. This struck me as surprising given that she’s one of the kindest people I know but it also made me start wondering about whether or not I was a very forgiving person.

I think that at first thought, I would say that I am perhaps an overly forgiving person but, when I truly take the time to properly reflect on it, I think that my sense of forgiveness has also gotten me in a lot of trouble. Given my nature to take a very extreme approach to life, this often applied to my laws of forgiveness as well. More often than not, the moment that I forgave someone, I assumed that it also meant giving them permission to repeat the same behaviour over and over again.

For all the forgiveness that I had in my heart though, I always found it really difficult to forgive people who didn’t ask for it and even harder to forgive someone who didn’t think that they needed forgiveness in the first place. This concept of forgiveness long eluded me.

I’ve been thinking about this a bit more lately as I begin to notice some of the visitors that have been coming by this site as of late. Some of the pieces are starting to fall into places and people that I thought were long left behind, have been very present in my life in ways that I hadn’t known. I’m not yet sure how I feel about this…

Forgiveness is essentially just a means of letting go. You end up bestowing freedom on yourself and/or another person so that you can walk peacefully through this life without being held hostage to the ghosts of your past hurts. There is a catch though…having forgiveness doesn’t mean that you have to have amnesia as well!!

I’m only now starting to learn that I can forgive someone without allowing myself to make the same mistakes twice. I really think that humility is one of the greatest qualities a person can have and the ability to say that you are sorry falls directly within the jurisdiction of humility. Something that I’ve learned though over the last eighteen months is that, in the same way some people simply don’t know how to say “I love you”…some people also don’t know how to say “I’m sorry”.

So what happens when people that once hurt you during your “all or nothing” days suddenly show up in your new and more forgiving cyberspace??

Is peeking into your life after years of having fallen out of it someone’s way of saying “I’m sorry” or is it just my way making the same mistake all over again??

Just when I thought my already splendid day couldn't get any better...I came home to a voice mail from Monica in Australia!! I hadn't so much as taken my coat off before I was on the phone calling her back!

Oh my, how la vie est belle!

This past Sunday, I had the opportunity to reconnect with an old friend. After seven years, we sat across from each other over coffee and picked up right where we left off. It’s hard to say why we ever lost touched with each other to begin with, but it became clear as we caught up on each other’s lives that it doesn’t even matter.

As we recalled our stories of challenges and triumphs, it was so interesting to see how quickly we fell back into the friendship that we once knew. Time may have passed, but the things that we once admired about each other never did.

The beauty of God’s intention becomes so clear to me in opportunities like this; we so often struggle to mourn and let go of relationships that once touched our lives, only to discover that they were never really gone to begin with. While it’s certainly true that sometimes, certain relationships are better left to be purged with time, but its also certainly true that sometimes God has other plans in mind!

Back when I was growing up in London, the local radio station would host a shun piker tour every Mother’s Day. Essentially, it was a region wide scavenger hunt in which we would follow one clue to another as we toured our way across South Western Ontario.

One particular year while doing the tour, my Mom and I traveled to a little farm just on the outskirts of the city. My Mom, being the social butterfly that she was, had lots to chat about with the farmers living and working on site. I, on the other hand, took it as an opportunity to roam the grounds and make some new friends of my own.

One of the new friends that I made was a little baby pig that couldn’t have been more than a couple of months old. I had never spent a lot of times around pigs before but, like most young children, I had very little fear regarding animals of any kind. Over the course of time that we spent on this farm (maybe an hour or so at the most), I became so attached to my new friend and wanted nothing more than to bring him home and make him part of the family.

Not long before we were to leave in search of our next destination, a young man came by looking for the little pig. When he finally found the two of us playing in the dirt, he approached me and took the pig in his arms. When I asked him where he was taking him, he simply looked at me like the true businessman that he was and said, “This little guy is going to the bacon maker”. I was mortified!! I cried the entire way home and have never eaten pork ever again.

That was nearly twenty years ago!

Sometimes, when I walk by a restaurant on Sunday morning and take in a whiff of bacon cooking in the distance…I find myself surprised at the fact that I have actually gone all this time without so much as tasting pork ever again. Even to this day, the smell of bacon quickly turns me into one of Pavlov’s dogs! How did I manage to give up something that I loved so much in an instant and more importantly, how did I stick to it?!?!? I mention this because Ash Wednesday is coming up on February 6th and that only leaves me with a couple of weeks to decide what I am going to give up for Lent.

I love the season of Lent. It’s simply such a time of renewal and spiritual reflection. I’ll be honest though…I usually find Lent really hard! In the past, I’ve given up such things as chocolate and cheese, and every time, I eagerly count down the days until I am permitted my favourite temptations again. Lent is only forty days long and yet, much like the New Year’s resolutions, it often becomes a struggle to uphold.

This year, I really want to make some serious changes in my life. They aren’t anything major or drastic but, certainly significant in their own right. They are changes that I have long wanted to begin merging into my life however, have always found a reason to put it aside. I’m beginning to wonder though, if the reason I have never braved this new challenge in my life is not so much because I’m afraid of succeeding but rather, because I’m afraid of failing…again!

As I child, I simply made a decision one day and that was it…and I never looked back. I wasn’t afraid of failure because it never occurred to me that I could fail. The psychology of habit and patterns didn’t have the same impact as they do now and in turn, I feel as a child, my only challenge was against my ten-year-old self and not a lifetime worth of ego and subconscious behaviour as well.

At long last though, I have come to the conclusion that now is as good a time as any to embrace my fear of failure and tackle the change that I have long wanted to bring into my life long term. I have about two weeks to decide on the best way to do so and then from there…I have forty days to conquer myself with a little extra “divine supervision”. I’m hoping that after that, my twenty-nine year old intention will meet up with my ten year old determination and make a person that my future, wiser self will be proud to look back on!

Wish me luck and lots of turkey bacon!

I know that my post yesterday was sucky. As a matter of fact, I felt sucky for most of the day yesterday and there is one simple reason for it…cancer is sucky. Losing people to cancer is sucky and living in a world without those people, even if they are strangers, is sucky.

But today is a new day and for each new day, the universe shows us new miracles and provides the opportunity for new balance again; A balance that we might not be inclined to see at the time but still exists nonetheless. In order to help reinstate a sense of balance in myself, I felt it appropriate to conclude my recent mention of death the only way I know how…with life. And in the coming months, there will be much of it to celebrate.

One of my very closest friends is having a baby!

My friend beautiful Marie, who you’ve heard mentioned here many times before, is one of the most wonderful people I know. I count myself extremely lucky to call her my friend and hope that we will have countless more years together to put under our belts. She is brilliant and ambitious, loyal and committed, humble and accepting, and most of all…has no idea just how spectacular she is. Even now, I’m sure that as she reads this, she’s rolling her eyes in humble disagreement! And my beautiful friend Marie is pregnant with a baby boy (or, as she puts it, she’s having “a dude”!!).

Her and her husband, Craig, have had to endure some very difficult times. They have gone through more in their young marriage than most will ever have to face in their whole lives. They have lasted through consecutive years of challenges and been given countless reasons to be angry with the world and yet, they are not. Instead, they take each step one at a time with a stamina and sense of humour that is most endearing. Marie often jokes that her and Craig are “all class” but, her jokes aside, there is so much more truth to that statement that she will ever know because it takes a great deal of maturity and refinement to take the consistent pounding of life and still maintain optimism. No one knows the eloquence of coping with adversity better than these two.

I wish that I could say that this new development in their lives was making up for all of their past roadblocks, but unfortunately, even this has forced them to find strength within themselves that is beyond the call of duty. Already, in the very early months of this miracle, they have had to cope with loss and make choices that none of us want to have to face. They have had to sacrifice one life for the possibility of another.

Finally though, after months of uncertainty, God has provided them with the gift of calmer seas. The waves have died down and now it’s a matter of finding their way back to shore. In about fives months, dry land will appear and the breath of life will turn their world upside down. In about five months, a little boy will open his eyes and have no idea just what a miracle he really is.

Baby Beckett…we are patiently waiting for you!! There’s a miracle on shore with your name on it…

Shine On...

Most of you may not know this about me, but one of my biggest fears is cancer. It is everywhere and it holds no prejudices. The very thought of the people that I love having to watch me be ill and having to endure the betrayal of my body terrifies me. Even my husband would agree that I have an abnormal fear of this disease. I fear that I would never have the strength to overcome and I fear that it would break my faith. I have no rationale for this fear. I have never experienced its angel of death first hand and if anything, I have all evidence to the contrary that it’s possible to conquer its odds. I only have its stories…and that it’s enough to make me pray every day for protection against its wrath.

About eight months ago, Marie and I stumbled onto the blog site for Marisa Vanderveen. Marisa is a 33 year-old, very devout Christian wife and Mother of three young children. In December of 2006, she was diagnosed with cancer and for the past year, this blog has become a sanctuary of sorts for those wanting to help carry the weight of her family’s pain. Most of the entries are posted by her husband, Mendelt, whose eloquence truly takes your breath away.

Marisa died this past December and not only left behind a beautiful family of her own, but she also left behind a family of readers desperately trying to make sense of it all. Mendelt continues to write about the struggle of life without his “rockstar” and the challenges that lie ahead.

This is my worst nightmare. And it’s not a Hollywood version of it either. It’s real.

Believe me when I say that it’s not easy to read this. However, it’s not easy not to read it either. Their strength and conviction is overwhelming. Their belief in the purity of God’s intention leaves you speechless. I’ve often heard it been said that when you marry someone, you are not only committing to them for life, but more importantly, you are committing to witness their lives. I’ve never seen a more beautiful display of a witness. Every week, every day, every minute, and every heartbeat of this cross they have had to bear.

Marie and I don’t know Marisa or her family, but we wept with them. I weep now as I write this for I can hardly imagine anything more unfair that what this husband now has to live through.

Lord, tonight I not only ask you, but I beg…I beg of you to give Marisa’s family the strength and peace to get through each day. I beg of you to wrap them up in your arms and remind them of your undying love during the dark days to come.

And to Marisa…who’s life and legacy, though I never knew personally, has touched my life immensely. Your faith has helped turn my fear of death into an insatiable desire to live. As your husband so wonderfully said…Shine on.

As my friends and I approach the final days of our training for the Hypothermic Half-Marathon (yes, it's actually called that!), I am reminded that we are also fast approaching an even more significant landmark...our one year anniversary of running together!! Seriously, for an entire year, we have met nearly every Sunday morning to run together. While most of the time, we have met to train for a specific race, I'll be the first to admit that I often get out of bed on a cold Sunday morning for no other reason than to see their smiling faces!!

The past year of running the Ottawa landscapes alongside them feels like I have experienced a lifetime of friendship in their presence. As any runner with tried and true training partners can attest to...friendships created at the hands of running shoes extends far beyond the finish line. We have endured accomplishment and disappointment together. We have endured joy and discouragement. We have experience great loss and hopeful progression. We have endured tears and oh so many laughs. We have endured rain and heat and snow and yes, we have even endured days in which we have given up altogether and just gone out for coffee instead!! Through all of this though, we have endured an unwavering commitment to each other and to our sport that has surpassed any of life's curve balls.

This friendship however, is a by-product of something even bigger than us…a crazy little dream to race the clock and our own limitations. A shared desire to push our bodies to new extremes initially brought us together and has become a goal that we constantly pursue. As our friendship grows, the walls built around us crumble to the ground and show a whole new realm of possibilities. In doing so though, there are times when we catch ourselves wondering time and time again…why?? Why do we run countless miles just so we can do it again with the clock ticking at the finish line??

In honor of my running friends near and far, it seemed appropriate to share this essay that I found that prominently stays glued to our fridge door! I think that it accurately answers that very elusive question that plagues almost every runner when our warm beds gently whisper our names…but the pavement seems to call it from the rooftops!

Why Do I Run?
By George Sheehan

Why do I run? I have written over the years of the benefits I receive from running. Enumerated the physical and mental changes. Listed the emotional and spiritual gains. Charted the improvement that has taken place in my person and my life. What I have not emphasized is how transient these values and virtues are.

With just a little thought, however, it should be evident that physical laws parallel those of the mind and the spirit. We know that the effects of training are temporary. I cannot put fitness in the bank. If inactive, I will detrain in even less time than it took me to get in shape. And since my entire persona is influenced by my running program, I must be constantly in training. Otherwise the sedentary life will inexorably reduce my mental and emotional well-being.

So, I run each day to preserve the self I attained the day before. And coupled with this is the desire to secure the self yet to be. There can be no let up. If I do not run I will eventually lose all I have gained-and my future with it.

Maintenance was a favorite topic of Eric Hoffer. It made the difference, said the former longshoreman, between a country that was successful and one that failed. However magnificent the achievement, without constant care the result was decay.

I know the experience intimately. There is nothing more brief than a laurel. Victory is of the moment. It must be followed by another victory and then another. I have to run just to stay in place.

Excellence is not something attained and put in a trophy case. It is not sought after, achieved and, thereafter, a steady state. It is a momentary phenomenon, a rare conjunction of body, mind, and spirit at one's peak. Should I come to that peak I cannot stay there. I must start each day at the bottom and climb to the top. And then beyond that peak to another and yet another.

Through running I have learned what I can be and do. My body is now sensitive to the slightest change. It is particularly aware of any decline or decay. I can feel this lessening of the "me" that I have come to think of myself.

Running has made this new me. Taken the raw material and honed it and delivered it back ready to do the work of a human being. I run so I do not lose the me I was yesterday and the me I might become tomorrow.

Quick question (very "à la Sex & the City")...

When two people break-up...where does the love go???

Any thoughts?!?!?

Heather and Roberta have this really sweet little cat living with them named Marty! He’s a tabby cat with a Garfield like face and a fairly mysterious past. He lives very comfortably in their wonderful home and over time, they have all become one big happy family!! This wasn’t always the case though…

For a long time, Marty was a stray that used to roam around Heather and Roberta’s backyard. Something led him to their place and for many months, he would just live in the hidden corners of their property and silently observe the humans that occupied the space. All the while though, he was also being watched in return. While Marty was busy sizing up Heather and Roberta, they were patiently watching their furry friend as he explored their world. Pretty soon, Roberta felt that they had danced around each long enough and slowly persuaded him into a deeper relationship. But this was no easy task! Roberta had to find a way to let Marty know that she was aware of his presence, yet had to do so in a manner that wouldn’t scare him off. Observing from a distance is delicate relationship at the best of times, nonetheless with a feline!! Roberta started off by leaving food out for him and over time, was able to make contact with him. It took many, many weeks to develop but eventually, Roberta convinced Marty that he was welcome in their home and just like that, a family was made.

I was thinking of this story today as I was telling Steve about the many visitors that have come by the site in recent months. Thanks to technology, I am able to monitor various statistics produced by my site, most namely, whereabouts in the world our guests are from. As a writer, this has helped me to understand what people are looking for when they come across my world but as a blogger, this has also left me feeling both like the stray cat and the owner of the house!

Back when I first starting blogging, I would often visit Lesley’s blog site and like Marty, I would watch from a distance. From the safety of my computer, I would glimpse into the life of the Patron Saint of Perpetual Dynamite and it never once occurred to me that she was also watching me…visiting via Internet Explorer from the Nation’s Capital!! At one point in time, she mentioned on her blog that she had a regular visitor from Ottawa and was curious to know who…I was mortified!!! Could she see me?!?!? Did my computer somehow leave a little note on hers that said “Gen was here and peeking into your life”?!?! How could the anonymity of cyberspace have betrayed me like that!?! As it turns out, my fingerprints hadn’t actually appeared on her screen…just my location and server!! But still…

Eventually, after about four months of leaving a little trail to her doorway for me…I left a comment on her blog about one of her post and just like that…we were fast friends! She had gained my trust and I no longer felt the need to hideout in her backyard…I was now ready to become a member of her blogging family!!

Over the past year, since Lesley helped me set up my own site meter (!!!), the tides have turned and I have noticed a few little visitors of my own. I have my “usual suspects” that have always made cyberspace feel like home and I even have some new members of the family that have joined in along the way but, there are still a handful of visitors that I just haven’t managed to lure into the house yet!! There is a long time visitor from Fort Worth Texas, a new visitor from Toronto using acanac.net, a cogeco user from Windsor (Aunt Diane…is that you?!?!), a number of Rogers Cable visitors, someone from the University of New Brunswick and my most intriguing…a guest from Hamilton, Bermuda using logic.bm (how fabulous!). It truly amazes me what (and who) technology has suddenly brought to our fingertips!

So, understanding how delicate this mysterious relationship can be…I don’t want to scare you off or anything but, after many weeks of watching you watching me…I invite you...

Or, for lack of a better expression…I guess we could say that the cat’s out of the bag…!!!

Every year, as December 31st comes to a close, I want nothing more than to begin the next calendar with a clean slate and an organized life. Nothing brings me more dread than the idea of starting a new year with loose ends contaminating my fresh new calendar pages.

This year, as the clock struck midnight, I began 2008 with nothing that even remotely looked like this!! With my bad hair day, a body full of sick germs and a to-do list that was growing faster than I could keep up with it, my start to the new year was becoming a perfectionist’s worst nightmare! That’s why it was so important to take this past weekend and get through the remainder of my 2007 chores…so that, at the very least, I could begin the first full week of 2008 on the right foot.

Having this past weekend almost entirely commitment-free enabled me to catch up on most of the things that I couldn’t do while I was held prisoner by my holiday sickness. I cleaned my office and our apartment, I planned my last four weeks of training leading up to the Hypothermic Half-Marathon, we finished most of the planning for our trip to Australia (most importantly, I learned that there are thirteen Starbucks in the Sydney area!), we organized all of the important dates leading up to our move and I even had enough time to go for a big run and watch the Junior Hockey Team kick ass! It was just the forty-eight hours that I needed to get back on track! Except for one thing…I still hadn’t chosen my New Year’s Resolutions!!

One of my favourite things about the New Year is choosing resolutions but, I’ll admit, I usually fail hopelessly at them! I usually make some big, ambitious resolution that inevitably comes crumbling down around me come mid-February!! That’s okay though…what fun is a resolution if you can’t look back with a pitiful sigh of despair as you’ve watched it slip through your fingers again?!?!?

Anyways, I think that I’ve decided what mine will be for this year…

Do any of you have one of those people in your life whose world seems painfully perfect all the time?!?! I’m willing to guess that most women do and if you’re really lucky…it’s another woman that you don’t particularly like a whole lot (that’s where the “painfully” part comes in!!!). If you don’t know what I’m talking about, then allow me to summarize for you what this drug of choice is really like...

For some reason, everything about their life just seems to effortlessly fall into place all the time and you’re convinced that it’s done just in spite of you! For some of us (especially if their life is accessible on-line), their perfection almost becomes obsessive. Through the likes of Facebook, blog sites and MySpace, you are entitled to pick your poison as you end up constantly comparing yourself to their perfect life in their perfect house with their perfect jobs and perfect hair while they go on their perfect trips with their perfect budget, likely fine tuning all the perfect skills and perfect talents that you so happen to not possess! Cruel, isn’t it?!?!

All this to say that, I too, have fallen victim to this self-inflicted form of torture as well and my New Year’s resolution is to free myself from the bondage of comparison that I have subjected myself to. Almost unknowingly, I click on the link to her blog site and read her entries almost as a reminder of how inadequate my own life is in comparison. Like an addict, I then feel the on set of guilt for having “fallen off the wagon” yet again in a moment of weakness. Stupid, I know! I’ve said it once and I’ll say it again…we’re all in recovery from something! Most of us have a tendency towards self-destructive behaviour of some kind…this, is mine! When I feel down and out, it’s always the shovel that throws the last pile of dirt that is determined to bury my self-esteem.

This year…I will no longer do this. This year, the girl that inflicted doubt and insecurity on me years ago, won’t make me feel small anymore. The perfectionist in me can do that enough all by herself!! This year, I will kindly remind myself (as many times as necessary) that we are all a work in progress and that most of all…things are never quite as they appear, especially through the eyes of overly-focused, cyberspace savvy women like me!

This year…will be different! At least until mid-February sometime!

Congratulations to Abby and Alex, who are the proud new parents of a baby boy, Charles Isaac, weighing in at 6 and a half pounds!!

Baby Charles wasn’t due until January 12th but decided to make an early appearance instead; arriving at 2am on the morning of January 5th. Just like his mommy, he appears to be right on top of things!!! I can’t wait to meet him!

This is the beginning of many new faces for us in 2008. Almost every month (for the first half of the year anyways) will bring with it beautiful new miracles. Next up…Baby Smit due in March and after that (and one that I am very excited about) is Baby Girl Tanguay, due in April. For the record too, both Rachel and Anne are two of the hottest pregnant woman I know…seriously, they are absolutely smokin’ mommies!!!

Welcome to the world little man…it’s a fun ride!!!

Just open your eyes...
and see that life is beautiful...

Steve and I signed our mortgage papers last night and then I couldn’t breathe properly for entire hour afterwards!!

I have been very calm and collected about this entire process for nearly eight months now but, as I signed my name on the dotted line, I was reminded of the emotions I felt on my first day of high school. For the better part of two years, my friends and I couldn’t wait to start high school and then, finally, on that first day in September of 1992, I quickly realized that I was no longer a big fish in a small pond…I was now a very small fish in a much bigger pond…and I was terrified!!!

To be frank, the likes of Steve and I are a hot commodity in the renting world. We are a young married couple with good, steady jobs, making very respectable incomes and we don’t have any kids or pets…we are a landlord’s dream!!! And in a university town like Ottawa…we are highly outnumbered by student slobs with no money!! With this being said, the world of renting is much like shopping in the market…everything is negotiable. Of course, there are guidelines and a certain “understanding” but, for the most part, the vendors need you as much as you need them and this makes renting more of a game than a business deal.

However, as I sat across the desk from our banker and listened to her discuss lawyers and interest rates, I suddenly felt like I was no longer shopping in the market, but instead, I was suddenly doing business with the local drug dealers!! They don’t care who you are, what you are like or what your circumstances are…these are the rules, this is the bottom line and if you don’t follow the rules, they will hunt you down, bust your knee caps and then take your house away!!! Banks mean business and this new pond is full of them!!

So, there you have it…we are small fish in a big pond again (manically protecting our knee caps!)!! Oh, the misery of being a small fish!! But, while I get used to being the new kid on the block again…I will have at least one fine thing that couldn’t be found in the small pond…equity and big soaker tub in my bathroom!!!

CHA-CHING!!

When I was growing up, I quickly became accustomed to the unique tendencies of living amongst divorced parents. My mom and her family lived in London while my dad and his family lived between Ottawa and Montreal. While I spent ninety percent of my time growing up with my mom, there was always the understanding that holidays, summers and birthdays were shared amongst everyone. I’ll be the first to admit that it was definitely a busy childhood and I’m sure that my parents felt the same way however, for all its endless travel, it certainly made me feel very loved…people all over the province were constantly awaiting my arrival!

The adventure of flying the skies on my own to all of these exotic places (yes, Ottawa seemed exotic at the time!) let my imagination run wild. Many unexpected things happened over the course of my ten years of flying as an unaccompanied minor and I smile every time I think back to the experience of departing and arriving at various destinations throughout my life. Even now, I have a particular fondness for airports that I can’t help but credit to my younger days.

The one pit fall of airports though, is that in all likelihood (at least during my experiences of travelling), you are leaving one person and meeting another. In the case of my parents, my travels often reflected my mental state towards the break up of my family…always in mid-air between one or the other…saying goodbye and saying hello all at the same time…tears of sadness and thrills of joy…the pendulum never seemed to stop swinging. This experience, while giving me great confidence that I was loved immensely as a child, also gave me a very altered perception regarding the concept of missing someone.

I can say without a doubt that no matter where I was, I always missed one of my parents. When I was in London with my mom, I missed the excitement of being with my dad, and when I was in Ottawa with my dad, I missed the comfort and protection of my mother. Because this was all that I had known all my life, it never occurred to me that some people experienced life differently. I vividly remember one occasion in which my dad came to visit me in London. I don’t remember why he was there or what we did during his visit but, I remember him leaving. I remember clinging on to the fence at the airport next to the runway as his flight took off and I cried and cried and cried, begging my dad not to leave. I sat on the ground, holding on to that fence for what seemed like hours as I watched his plane become smaller and smaller on the horizon until once again, he was gone. When I was finally willing to let go of the fence and head home, I turned around and saw the deepest look of sadness on my mother’s face. It wasn’t a look that reflected sadness for what I was feeling, it was sadness that expressed fear and insecurity; a fear that somehow meant that missing my father meant hurting my mother. Obviously, my young mind never meant to hurt my mother through my actions and obviously, my mother never meant to imply that I loved her any less. I have come to believe that this sort of emotional spectrum is the natural by-product of a divorced family.

As an adult, I have grown out of my fear of missing people. I have lived and learned in a way that enables me to now know that to miss someone means that you have been blessed by someone’s life in a way that has touched your own. To miss someone is a gift, albeit a somewhat trying one at times. To miss someone, especially if they miss you in return, is the great aftermath of loving and longing…it’s what all great stories are made of!!

I mention this because last week, Jeff, Monica, Rohan and Priya moved to Australia. For the next year, their home will be under the Southern Cross instead of Orion’s Belt. This is so hard for me because I am in love with their entire family and just knowing that they are on the other side of the world makes my heart ache for them. Jeff is the big brother that I never had and while he teases me relentlessly, I know that if need be, he would be there for me in a heartbeat. Monica is not only my amazing sister-in-law, but by far one of my closest friends and getting through the days without our weekly phone calls will leave me longing to hear her voice. As for the kids, we already miss hearing about Priya’s ballet classes and Rohan’s new words. As I miss them though, I find myself smiling at the very thought of them. Steve and I are very blessed to have an extremely close relationship with them and while it’s not easy to miss their day to day life, it’s a trade worth making for the coming year. Life is full of give and take and right now, we have to give them away for a bit in order to get them back later.

Relationships, whether they are near or far, require work. They require the effort to keep in touch and stay involved in each other’s lives. No man is an island and they can’t be treated as such. Clearly, our weekend visits and regular phone calls won’t be possible during the next twelve months but, for this particular situation, our problem solving skills have come up with the next best solution…two plane tickets to Sydney, Australia!!!!!

We leave April 1st…!!!!

Uncle Steve and Priya

Gen and Monica

Auntie Gen and Priya

Jeff, my partner in photographic crime!

Auntie Gen and Rohan

One year ago today, my dad called our place first thing in the morning to say that he had a feeling that 2007 was going to be a really good year for us. And it was! Now, a year later, I can look back on the year with a bit of perspective and bid it farewell with the fondest of memories.

At midnight, we looked out our patio window at the fireworks going off over Parliament Hill and it occured to me how many mixed emotions must be had regarding the new year. As I listened to people down the street greet 2008 with drunken cheers and laughter, I can only imagine that some must feel sheer relief at having survived a year that took everything out of them. I'm sure that many people struggled in 2007 and others experienced some of the best moments of their lives. Like all other things though, the sun will rise and set on yet another day, and we must welcome the new year with the same inevitability of each season.

For Steve and I, 2007 came as a wave. 2006 was challenging for a number of reasons and in turn, we embraced 2007 with the kind of gratitude that only comes when you don't have a whole lot more to give. While the year was mild and rather undramatic, we were grateful for this because every now and then, riding the wave and letting the ocean do the work is exactly what you need. It's a good thing that we both know how to surf!

Looking back, the year possessed many joyous moments; we bought our house and have witnessed its construction since the foundation. We were blessed to greet two beautiful new children to the world; Miles and Virginie. We made glorious new friends and found the strength to let go of others. We celebrated the amazing union of Heather and Roberta and watched Baby Rohan embrace his first year, despite its road blocks along the way.

Personally, I found a degree of peacefulness this year that I have longed yearned for. I achieved one thing on my list of "100 things to do before I die"...being a pace bunny for the Ottawa Race Weekend. I made incredible new friends this past year and reconnected with old ones (thank you Facebook!). I learned hard lessons...AGAIN!

As I begin the first day of 2008, it's hard not to do so with great anticipation. Any new start is exciting but, this year in particular, holds great potential for Steve and I. We move into our new home in six weeks. We are going on the trip of a lifetime six weeks after that and I'm quite certain that the adventures of 2008 aren't going to stop there!

Sometimes you just open your eyes in the morning and know that the world is exactly as it should be!

To all of my friends, family and anyone else who "stops by" from time to time...I wish you a year of health, wealth and happiness. A year of adventure, prosperity and hopefully, you will find that perfect wave and ride it until the ocean deems it time to find a new surfboard!!

Happy New Year!