shadow of a doubt...

Wow…it’s been a while since I’ve been here! I’m surprised sometimes at how easy it is to lose track of time and I’m equally surprised at how distraught I can get when I’ve realized that I haven’t kept any record of that time. Clearly, I’ve created a monster here!

I’ve been thinking a lot about doubt lately. I’m not really sure if I consider it a good thing or not to doubt the world around you but I’ve concluded that while I live my life very strongly through the roots of my faith…that faith has almost constantly been challenged along the way. I’m certainly not a skeptic of the world. In fact, I rather enjoy being able to things at face value and trust in the truth of things around me…but I do ask a lot of questions. I’m pretty sure that given the chance, Brother David would have liked to have sent me to the back of the classroom during Bible Study because I’m the annoying one that wants an explanation for what the world was like before Jesus came to town!

So yes, I do question the world. I’ve questioned my faith; I’ve question my religion; I’ve questioned my choices and the choices of others; I’ve questioned whether or not the doctors are right; I’ve questioned the road that I’ve walked down; I’ve questioned a lot of things I my life…and it’s possible that I haven’t questioned enough things…but is that the same as doubting? Are they one in the same?

I started wondering this when I noticed that I was questioning myself and my abilities and my worth and my place among my fellow humans. Or rather, I should say that I started doubting all of these things which, having been in the midst of it, felt very different from simply putting the questions out there. Doubting felt like my mind had already been made up before even receiving the answer. Doubting felt like scrutiny that wasn’t waiting for a rebuttal. Doubting felt like telling instead of asking. Doubting felt sucky!

Luckily though, I realized that even my doubts should be subjected to the same questioning that I unleash on everything else! If we are to doubt something; faith, love, ourselves, whatever…then we should at least be willing to scrutinize our doubts in the same manner that scrutinize that which we are doubting. It’s only fair because I think that doubt comes from a darker place than questioning does and doubt can shed a darker shadow over our lives than the simple act of questioning can.

Of course, we all want to live lives with the kind of conviction that leaves no shadow of a doubt but that’s only possible when we make enough room for the light to get in.

all grown up...

Well Dorothy...I don't think that we're in Kansas anymore!

Ladies and gentlemen...the business cards have been printed, the word is out and the official fifteen:fifty-one photography site has been launched!

so.exciting.

Visit the new site here...

{if you're viewing on Internet Explorer v.6...it might be a bit finicky...IE has a personal vendetta against me!!}

one of many...

It seems needless to say that the “summer of Gen” hasn’t exactly started out as planned but then again; it’s not officially summer yet, so there’s still hope! As a matter of fact, some good friends and I have decided that the second half of 2009 is going to blow every other year out of the water! From our lips to God’s ears!!!

This past weekend proved that we might have been heard after all! We didn’t do anything exceptionally out of the ordinary but, we were in good company for the weekend and that’s exactly what we needed. Steve and I did our last long run of our training on Saturday morning which always makes me happy because it hereby gives me permission to eat and be lazy for the remainder of the weekend!

I was supposed to have a photo shoot on Saturday afternoon/evening but we got rained out so my two hours of taking pictures turned into two hours curled up in bed with my kitty cat and my latest book! Frankly, it doesn’t get much better than that...regardless of how much I love taking pictures!

We headed out to the Market to spend Saturday night with some friends (and the best white wine that I’ve ever had – way to go New Zealand!) and it was seriously one of the very best nights that I’ve had in a really long time!

Sunday was the re-scheduled photo shoot with a kick ass couple followed by the afternoon spent with our niece and nephew who were on a “fly-by” visit between Edmonton and New Brunswick. While the boys hung out terrorizing with the kids, us ladies took off to Starbucks to raise a latté to good health, new careers and amazing friends & family.

It was really the perfect weekend.

I was thinking about it later this week though and tried to figure out why I enjoyed it so much. Like I said, we didn’t do much out of the ordinary but the weekend, albeit quite busy, left me feeling really rejuvenated and energized. I finally figured it out today when I was making small talk with someone that I don’t know very well and it suddenly struck me; pretending is a lot of work!!! Plain and simple!

I used to spend a lot of time with people that were merely superficial friends; those that you socialized with but don’t really know much about you. In fact, a large part of my life was like that and ultimately, it left me in a group of people and not really knowing anyone at all. It also left me up to my ears in drama and unexpressed expectations because all parties involved weren't being honest with themselves or each other. Over the last few years though, I’ve done a rather large “purge” regarding my social circle and slowly started putting some distance between myself and those that I don’t entirely feel comfortable with. I guess as I got older, I decided to limit the people that I share my life with and as a result, I’m become very particular about who I’m willing to be friends with…friendships free of pretences and superficiality; people that don’t just pop up in your life when they want to share their great news or prove something to you…but those that share the not so great as well. It wasn’t necessarily an easy decision to make at the time…but now that I’m in it, I’m glad that I did.

I had a new appreciation this weekend for those in my life that render humility a much easier task. It isn’t always easy to be open about fears and insecurities, challenges and sadness, jealousy and envy…but my friends make it easy. And not only do they make it easy…they bring great wine too!!

Really…what more could a girl want?!?

and you thought you were entertaining...

I wouldn't mind having these guys around for one of our parties!!! This small clip doesn't really do them the justice they deserve but the entire clip was almost twenty minutes and even I didn't make it through the whole thing!!!

{Nathan "Flutebox" Lee & Beardyman performing at Google in the U.K.}

change of plans...

I feel so disorganized right now! For anyone that knows me well, you know that this does not sit well with me! It’s kind of interesting how much life seemed to change for the ten days that we found ourselves in “limbo”; our days were essentially put on hold in a way and now that the dust is starting to settle, I find it almost comical how much all of the things we left neglected during that time were patiently sitting there waiting for our return!

I spent the better of last night cleaning our house. As strange as this is going to sound, I often feel like the state of my outward environment is a direct reflection of my emotional state at the time!! Scary but true! So in a hopeful attempt at getting our life organized again…I started with the house! It was very cathartic!

On another note…I have writer’s block! I’m hoping to have my official photography site up and running by next weekend and I’ve been trying to work on the “about me” portion of the site to no avail. Can you believe that? I’ve posted over three hundred blog posts and yet I’ve stared blankly at my computer screen for a week trying to find the right words to explain who I am. Ugh. Actually, I NEED the site to be ready by next weekend because I have five photo shoots scheduled over the next seven weeks and if it doesn’t get done now, it’s going to get buried in a pile of editing and it will end up being July before it ever sees the light of day. No can do!

A bunch of people have been asking me of late what Steve and I did to celebrate our good news last week and I’ve been intrigued by people’s curiosity. Mostly, I’ve been intrigued because had you asked me a month ago what I imagine I would have wanted to do in such a situation, I would have likely said something along the lines of going out for a beautiful dinner, with a bottle of wine and an indulgent dessert. Come to think of it, I think that’s exactly what Steve had in mind when he picked me up from work that night! On our way home, after relishing in each other’s sighs of relief he looked over at me and said “so, what are we going to do tonight? Anything you want…” Honestly, all I wanted to do was to go for a walk in the warm summer air (it was 28 degrees that day), watch some funny shows and peacefully read my book before going to bed. Steve was surprised…he didn’t think it was celebratory enough. But that’s what I wanted; I wanted to enjoy our life, our routine, our day…without the weight of our worry to carry around with us. So that’s what we did…we went for a nice walk after work and ended up at Starbucks & Chapters with indulgent drinks in our hand and too many literary possibilities in front of us!

That’s when we started realizing just how “demanding” this year has been on us so far. We’ve coped better than even we thought we would be able to but nonetheless…it hasn’t exactly been smooth sailing and it’s certainly left us a bit depleted. That’s when we realized how much we would love a vacation right about now; a break from our world for a little bit so that we can really celebrate what it means to cherish life right now instead of later. So we’re going to Italy…for our anniversary! It wasn’t exactly part of the “plan” for this year but neither was any of the crap we just endured…so we’ve decided to change the plan on our terms a little bit as well!! It is only fair I think!

Hello Italian wine!

totally random thought...

Steve and I were doing our run last night through the NRC campus when we both commented on how the air smelled like a wet dog. But sure enough, there were no dogs, nonetheless wet ones, anywhere to be seen.

This got us thinking; maybe it’s not actually dogs that smell bad…maybe it’s spring and dogs actually smell like "wet spring" and not the other way around??

Maybe dogs have been taking the blame for decades because of the stinky spring air and all the while, they've been given a bad name because of it.

I think it’s possible that we’ve just uncovered a really big Dan Brown mystery here! I totally see a movie in the works somewhere!