Have you ever seen that episode of Sex & the City where the girls go to the Hampton’s and Carrie meets a “really good on paper” guy?!?! Anytime I see that episode, it always makes me think of anyone who’s ever tried online dating because really, until you take the brave leap outside of cyberspace, you are essentially living an entire relationship “on paper”.

The thing about being on paper is that you always tend to highlight your best features and of course, why wouldn’t you?? Like any relationship I guess, the early stages are always about putting your best foot forward as opposed to broadcasting your little idiosyncracies that others may not find so adorable. I think that most of the time it is not considered entirely humble to see yourself solely through the eyes of what appears on paper however, I’m starting to think that all of us should have a personal resume of our lives tucked away in our back pocket for certain times of need!

I’m personally especially sensitive to specific situations that immediately throw me back to grade school and the inner turmoil of self-consciousness. For reasons unbeknownst to me, I become a little girl who feels out of place in my being and attempting relentlessly to fit in amongst my peers. While I know that everyone endures moments of weakness when it comes to self-esteem, I think that it’s equally important to be able to tally our list of personal accomplishments when our souls are in need of a little pick me up!

I’ve never actually tried this means of renewal before but, this past week, when I was challenged with an adverse situation that was depleting my ego, I decided to stop and try to remind myself of who I really am…even if it is only on paper!

I’ll admit that in my thirty years, I’ve done a lot…not as much as some…but definitely more than others! Some of those things though, while they may seem ordinary in nature, sum up a pretty extraordinary and blessed life!! If I had to put it all on paper…it might look a little something like this…

~ I have achieved all of my western horseback riding levels including my bareback certificate
~ I graduated from high school with a bilingual degree
~ I was an all-star volleyball player in high school
~ I’ve had the same best friend since grade ten (the very best there is too!)
~ I’ve never smoked or done a single drug in my life
~ I graduated university eight months early with a double-major
~ I survived nearly seven years of living on my own without ever having to starve!
~ I’ve won the Founding Father Award for outstanding community service two years in a row
~ I’ve been blessed to have some of the most unique and amusing jobs a student could ever ask for
~ I was chair of the National Youth Council of Canada for two years
~ I sat on the National Board of Directors for Boys and Girls Clubs of Canada at the age of seventeen
~ I’ve ran a marathon
~ I’ve paced one of the country’s largest half-marathons
~ I am truly married to the most wonderful man I’ve ever known (who never fails to make me laugh!!)
~ I’ve been blessed with incredible health
~ I’ve been priviledged enough to have some of the most incredible mentors
~ I have the greatest group of friends that I simply love to death
~ I work in the most beautiful building
~ I worked in the second most beautiful building for that…
~ I am in love with my current home and even more so with our new one!
~ I am loved unconditionally by family and friends
~ I am fortunate enough to have a Starbucks on every corner!!

So, call me egotistical if you must but, everyone needs to remember where they’ve gone and how far they’ve come so when people around you risk making you feel otherwise, you can always be reminded of how blessed you are and of how much you are truly capable of. When I look at this list, it often makes me wonder who this person is and if I’ll ever get to meet her. The real point though is that woman simply have to learn to pat themselves on the back enough that their life on paper eventually leaps right off the page!!

Bonjour...

Someone keeps visiting the site from Bermuda!! How exotic!!

Who ever you are...Welcome!! And please send some of your warm weather our way...it's getting cold here!!!

Starbucks sightings...

Just when I thought that Starbucks couldn’t possibly get any better, I walked in this morning only to find myself sitting two tables away from Seann William Scott (or better known as “Stifler” from the American Pie movies!!). Seriously!

I was standing at the bar waiting for my drink when I noticed him sitting at a table with two other guys and I thought to myself what a striking resemblance he had to the actor. When I mentioned it to the barista, he told me that it actually was him and that he had been in yesterday as well. Crazy!

Suddenly, I found myself completely excited and no one I knew was around to share it with!! There was a girl sitting near me about the same age, so I blatantly interrupted her to tell her my news (she was very thankful!) and we ended up spending the next forty minutes chatting while discretely (or maybe not!) looking over our shoulder!! My new friend even spent five minutes “getting sugar” when we went back up to the bar for another drink!!


Oddly enough, no one in the store seemed to have recognized him. We all sat politely going about our business. Or so I thought! When he finally got up and left, all social decency apparently went with him because suddenly, nearly the entire restaurant of Sunday morning coffee drinkers got up to watch him out the window!!! It was quite hysterical!! He drove away with a friend in a Volvo station wagon…who knew?!?

This was my third “star sighting” in Ottawa since I’ve lived here. First off was Green Day asking me for directions while walking through the market (they wanted to know where Zaphod’s was!). Then two years ago, while shopping at the Papery in the market, Ryan Reynolds and Alanis Morrisette came in wanting to buy tape! The sales clerks and I just stood there with completely idiot grins on our face.

I’m honestly a very charming and witty girl at times!!

Hi Everyone!

I’m currently sitting at my living room window, overlooking the street and our neighbor’s children playing on the front lawn. I have a Peppermint Mocha in hand, a few candles lit next to me and Damien Rice playing on the computer. Needless to say that my senses are feeling indulged right now!!

Given my current delightful surroundings, I wanted to pretend that you were all sitting next to me with a yummy drink of your own as we shared stories of our past week gone by. It wasn’t until this morning that I realized just how chaotic this past week has been. My lack of presence in cyberspace is usually the first indicator that my days have taken on a life of their own!

Firstly, and certainly most importantly, Baby Rohan was back at CHEO this past week after being rushed to emergency from Deep River. Rohan has spent more than his share of time in CHEO during his short eighteen months on earth and I can say with certainty that it never gets easier. He arrived at emergency on Tuesday night and we spent most of the night with him and Monica while he under went various tests and waited to be admitted. We’re pretty familiar with CHEO now but nonetheless, there is something simply heart wrenching about an entire hospital devoted to children. Even with entire facilities to meet these needs, Rohan still found himself being admitted to the oncology ward due to lack of space anywhere else in the hospital. It was later determined that Rohan was suffering from Crupe, and given his condition, he needed to be isolated from the rest of the children in the ward. Hospitals are difficult enough to endure. Isolation in a hospital is so much worse.

I stayed with Baby Rohan for a part of Wednesday night while Monica went to our place to eat, shower, sleep and keep up on a life that seemed to have gone on without her. Rohan and I watched endless reruns of Baby Neptune and learned to dislike the presence of anyone wearing scrubs. While it was never easy watching Rohan in the hospital, this time, at this age, made his fear more visible and the desire to take him away so much stronger. In the midst of our little chaos tough, God brought me the precious of moments when Rohan looked right at me, pointed to the television screen and said “car”!!! He spoke to me for the very first time…Beautiful!

As many of you know, I’ve been feeling really restless lately. I’ve had a desire for change in my blood that is very foreign to me. As the creature of habit that I am, my need for different scenery is un-chartered territory. However, after months of this agonizing feeling brewing inside of me, I woke up on Thursday morning to snow and a soul that was no longer restless! Our natural cycle of seasons hasn’t happened much this past year. We went from winter right into summer and it’s basically stayed like that well into November. I had no idea that the fire burning inside of me was simply a response to Global Warming! It seems as though in the past week alone, I suddenly live in a different city! One day last week, I left work late and by the time I headed home, it was already dark outside. It’s literally been months since I’ve seen that part of the city at night and it’s truly like seeing it for the first time all over again. Between daylight savings, the gorgeous layer of snow and the beautiful Christmas decorations all along Sussex Drive, the seasons seem to have finally caught up with my own desire for change!


There was also a significant end to an era in my life this week…I finally finished the entire Harry Potter series!! Late on Thursday night I flipped the last page of The Deathly Hallows. It’s very safe to say that I am suffering from a severe case of Post-Potter Depression now!!! Unlike most people, I didn’t start the series until the final book was published hence, since July, I’ve been reading each book back to back. It’s been an intense relationship and frankly, I don’t know if I’m ready for it to be over!

For a very long time, Richard Parker from the Life of Pi and Dr. Hannibal Lecter from the series by Thomas Harris have been my favourite fictional characters. But now, I simply don’t know!! My life as recently been consumed with the magical bliss that is Harry Potter and I have to say that I have a very special place in my heart for Dumbledore; a man of true humility and patience, two characteristics that I admire in anyone, fictional or not. Regardless of how my list of favourite fictional characters may change, I can say with absolute certainty that Chapter Thirty-Three of the last book is the best chapter that I’ve ever read of any novel. I was breathless when I was done reading. People often claim that the Harry Potter phenomenon is overrated but, to truly consider the impact that a series of books has had on entire generations of people is spectacular. As an avid reader myself, nothing makes me happier that seeing the written word triumph in the end!!

And so, Sunday has finally arrived and the world seems to have changed in seven short days. I hope that you will forgive my absenteeism!! Us bloggers are always in cyberspace for the greater good but, sometimes, the greater good is right in front of us…in a hospital room…in the pages of imagination…or even in Mother Nature.

Superlatives...

In my senior year of high school, all of us got to nominate our classmates for various future accomplishments…you know, most likely to become famous…most likely to end up in prison…most likely to get their nose broken more than once…and so on and so on…

I didn’t get nominated for anything but, I always found it fascinating because in many ways, it really says something about how other people see you. As I’ve mentioned before, Russ and I have discussed this on more than one occasion and I think it would be a worthwhile investment for everyone to get a dose of themselves through someone else’s eyes. All too often we get so absorbed in the life that we are trying to accomplish that we forget to stop and see what we really project into the world.

I’ve been finding myself getting this reflection from all angles lately and so far, I’ve been pleasantly surprised!! While our worth and validation certainly isn’t determined by others, it’s still nice to know what others see when they look at you and if nothing else, it helps you to take a step back from your bubble and decide whether or not you like the feedback!!

I felt compelled to mention this because yesterday, I added a feature to my Facebook profile called Superlative. My old colleague, Nadia, brought it to my attention and convinced me to tag it on to my already crowded profile space!!! According to Wikipedia, Superlative is an adjective or adverb which indicates that something has some feature to a greater degree than anything it is being compared to in a given context. So for those of us who didn’t seem to stand out in high school…Facebook gives you the opportunity to experience your senior year all over again and nominate each other until your heart’s content!!

I’ve had this feature for about twenty-four hours now and so far, I’ve had four nominations (which really means that my friends rock!!). I’ve been nominated twice for “most likely to get out of trouble by smiling” (this cracks me up!)…once for “most likely to use the word “superfluous” correctly in a sentence” (I don’t know this word but, I appreciate the credit!) and my personal favourite…one nomination for “most likely to kick it with Jesus”!!!

Sometimes it pays to experience high school all over again…maturity has its perks!!!

Update ~ I have since received two nominations for "most likely to spend all of her money at Starbucks", one nomination for "most likely to run through the streets naked" (?!?!) and one nomination for "most likely to win the Giller Prize" (thanks Jesper!). Oh...and I looked it up and now know what Superfluous means!!!

Like most couples, when Steve and I got engaged, we had to participate in pre-marital classes leading up to our wedding. These classes tend to come in a variety of formats ranging from one-on-one classes with a priest or pastor, to large group settings in a church basement. For us, we experienced a little bit of both…a large group weekend retreat at the church followed by a meeting with Father Joe closer to the wedding.

We were extremely fortunate to have the entire process of our wedding guided by Father Joe from Blessed Sacrament Church. Not only is Father Joe an amazing priest and leader but, he’s personally guided me a great deal along my spiritual path. Blessed Sacrament Church is where I was baptized as a baby and confirmed twenty-five years later so the experience of also being married there was quite overwhelming.

Though Father Joe has most certainly followed a calling to the priesthood, he is also educated in the field of psychology and marital councelling. Thanks to this background, the intensity of the pre-marital courses for those that he personally marries is a bit different than those being married in other churches. Father Joe strongly believes that every person possesses the alter ego of an animal who, in times of stress, show instinctive features and, if we learn to understand these characteristics, can better enable us to support each other through marriage. He believes that when our human abilities to cope are depleted, we fall back on our instinctive animal behaviour as a means of getting by.

This alter ego, along with a psychological profile of nearly three hundred questions, can help Father Joe determine a specific degree of compatibility for each couple as well as determine potential problems such as alcoholism or abuse. With the strong consideration of these two factors, Father Joe is entitled to refuse marrying a couple that he fears may not be suitable for one another due to a variety of reasons. While I imagine that these situations are relatively rare, it’s refreshing to see someone take the vows of marriage so seriously.

I have to honestly say that I certainly wasn’t nervous going into this process at all, but found myself completely fascinated by the many components taken into consideration when rating two individual’s compatibility. When Steve and I finally met personally with Father Joe, he spoke to us very candidly about our results and determined that we had a compatibility of 96%, which in his eyes, was more than enough reason to go ahead with our wedding!! Obviously, we were thrilled to hear such great feedback (though we certainly had no doubt) but, I’ll admit that I was a bit surprised by my animal alter ego!!

Going into it, I figured that most certainly, I would possess the alter ego of some feline. Throughout my life, other people have consistently compared my personality to the characteristics of a cat. Back in university, one of my roommates once told me that he thought watching me go about my day was like watching a jungle cat in the wild!! I have no idea what he meant by this, but it still cracks me up when I think about it!! I suppose, over time, I just became accustomed to such comparison and frankly, it could be worse!! Imagine being compared to a naked mole rat…

Anyways, as it turns out, my animal alter ego is that of a white wolf. The more Father Joe proceeded to describe my “instinctive characteristics”, the more surprised I was to hear someone describe me in such a way. Apparently, the significance of being a white wolf is to be a pack animal that is extremely loyal to family. I would spend my entire life with my family and never leave their side. I tend to be a very docile animal however I am still wild by nature and when provoked, will readily defend my family and safety. Though wolves are rather peaceful, they also have very few predators (in their natural habitat) which enable them to roam with a certain degree of confidence. Father Joe also mentioned the significance of my alter ego having specific physical features. He said that while all wolves are very beautiful creatures, white wolves are especially distinctive and very captivating to the eye (remember, Father Joe said this…I would NEVER describe myself this way!!!!). In recognition of this alter ego, it is suppose to enable me (and Steve) to better understand my actions when my human spirit is depleted. As a wolf, I will almost always back away when I feel threatened and in times of need, affection and physical contact is the most reliable way to calm the beast in me.

Some cultures even believe wolves to be the highest animal in the spiritual plane as they tend to represent balance in nature. White wolves especially, are believed to live in the spiritual and physical dimensions at the same time, which enables them to act as a bridge between the two worlds. They are believed to teach the necessary lessons that enable to bring both of these lives into balance and help to understand the underlying purpose of events and issues in our lives.

If only that understanding would come now…right when I need it most!!!!

While I may not have all the answers, at least now, when things seem daunting in the woods, I try hard to remember what the likes of my alter ego craves in her time of need. More times than not, closing my tired eyes and getting a good scratch behind the ear does make the journey in the forest a little less wild.

Now Steve on the other hand…I’m not allowed to say what animal he is (he wasn’t pleased!!) but, let’s just say that I could eat him alive if he doesn't behave himself!!!!! Grrrr….

Sweet Madness and Glorious Sadness...

This past week has been very challenging and I couldn’t be happier to see Friday with the anticipation of a long weekend. Sometimes more than just the body needs the rest. Last night, after having been pushed to my emotional limits by my workplace, I stood in our kitchen filled with an anger that I don’t often experience and tears just streaming down my face. Life unfolds in many manners and at its own necessary pace, I have come to learn and accept that over time. However, last night, as I was expressing a degree of distress towards an ongoing conflict, I suddenly realized that I had had that very same conversation, in that very same place about two years earlier. The thought stopped me dead in my tracks as my mind drifted into the next question…”why then, was I having this conversation again”?? The answer was because I had simply never done anything about it the first time…because I let the wave of emotion pass over me and when the dust had settled, so did I. I settled back into an environment that I knew wouldn’t make me happy and that the emotion would be back again, but until then, life would go on. How many times has this happened?? How many times have you done the same thing over and over again, all the while, expecting different results?? How many times have you said “it could be worse” and continued on in spite of yourself?? There is something to be said for persistence…for picking yourself up time and time again and not giving up. However, at some point in time, you have to decide whether or not the destination is really worth sacrificing the journey.

I think that the older we get and the more commitments we have, the less our own life becomes a priority. Our goals slowly get put aside for any number of reasons and the path that we are on becomes the only path that we know. As children, we never see the world through such restrictive eyes. We spend years playing with the idea of what we want to be “when we grow up” and at the same time, never really knowing when that is. Something happens as adults though, something that Sarah McLachlan so eloquently states as “sweet madness and glorious sadness”…that state of complacency between the evil that we know and the evil that we don’t know. While the evil is unpleasant, at least it’s familiar and more times than not, we’ve developed all the essential tools for coping through it time and time again.

What happens though when there isn’t anywhere left to go or anything left to give?? When you suddenly find yourself caged in a place that you never thought you’d be?? Anger happens. Like all animals, when pushed into a corner without any more options, even the most docile of creatures will begin to fight back. They begin to turn their sense of fear into a sense of fury. With their feet firmly planted on the ground, they stop backing away and begin standing tall, prepared to do whatever needs to be done to ensure their survival. It is nature’s way of not letting you give up on yourself.

In the dimness of our kitchen, I suddenly realized that all this time, I had given up on myself. I had given up by allowing myself to think that I didn’t have options. I had given up by thinking that there was nothing to do but be backed into a corner. I had given up by believing that my desire for peace meant I couldn’t fight back. With a clarity that I had never seen before, I understood for the first time what Marilyn meant when she said that while someone may have been holding a gun to my head…I was giving them the bullets.

Without the bullets, someone can still take their best shot at you and it will still be loud, scary and unpleasant…but it has no ability to drain the life out of you anymore. Without the bullets, you will not fall to your knees, wounded and weak or be blinded where you stand.

I woke up this morning feeling like a different person. I no longer felt sweet madness or glorious sadness. I no longer felt overwhelming anger either. I felt like I had suddenly taken all the bullets away and was slowly moving away from the corner. The animal in me had just fought back...

I decided this morning that I am going to win the Giller Prize one day!! It’s a bit ambitious for a Wednesday morning but, hey, you do what you’ve got to do!!

In the meantime though, congratulations to Elizabeth Hay for winning the 2007 Giller Prize last night for her novel Late Nights on Air. Ms. Hay…you made the cold Canadian North worth $40,000!!!

I was a beast of a wife on Friday and ended up hurting Steve’s feelings. After too many sleepless nights, I ended up losing my patience with him and soon found myself in the presence of sad eyes that made me feel horrible. Obviously, I didn’t intend to hurt his feelings and obviously, the guilt set in quickly but, what surprised me most was how long it took for the guilt to subside. Given not only my “baggage”, but also my perfectionist nature, it sometimes takes me a long time to get over having hurt someone. In the past, if the people that I loved were hurting (be it because of me or not), they have always left…left the city, left the house, left the relationship…whatever. So I have become accustomed to relating a state of sadness to me being left behind. It has become a brutal and relentless insecurity of mine that I have yet to shake.

Steve doesn’t often get sad, so this side of me does not come up often in our relationship but, sure enough, there are times when my emotional state at the time overrides my sensitivity to his feelings, and then the flood gates open. He laid on our bed with a crushed look on his face and in an instant, when I should have been trying to make him feel better…I suddenly felt sick to my stomach as a twenty nine year old demon reared its ugly head. It’s never easy to get left behind. Rejection aside, it’s gut wrenching to get through those initial moments of saying what can’t be said and acknowledging that it’s all really happening. The signs are usually the same though…the silence…the knot in your stomach that tells you something horrible is about to happen and then finally…asking the question that you don’t really want the answer to.

Of course, this is not what happened to us. Steve wrapped me in his arms and told me not to be so hard on myself. This is marriage and the incident, albeit unkind of me, was insignificant in the big picture. I was tired, grumpy and I took it out on the man that I loved. It’s not the first time and likely won’t be the last. It’s the nature of imperfection and the reality of life-long relationships. What was frightening though was that, while my intellectual side was consciously aware of all this…my emotional side had turned into a seven year old girl gripped with fear that she was about to be left…orphaned, destined to fend for herself and once again, provided with proof that she is unlovable. I was caught off guard by how quickly this state overwhelmed me and how much I wanted to beg for another chance.

Reactions like this are not for the faint of heart. It takes years of conditioning to develop this in a person and only now, I am starting to realize its existence. It is evidence of some deeply rooted need to be perfect at all times and the moment that my so called perfection slips through the cracks…I am no longer worthy of being loved or happy, nonetheless forgiven.

My beautiful friend Kate said at her wedding that woman often need reminding that they are loved. I’ve seldom heard a statement that is so true and I often wonder if even the most confident of woman among us are spared these moments?? It’s true that I’ve carried far more “baggage” into our relationship than Steve has and in turn, it has required a great deal more work on my part to sort through the dark corners of my mind in order to clear out space for a life beyond my past. It hasn’t always been easy for Steve but, I think that I’ve done well. I think that I’ve bravely looked at the roads ahead and made the courageous choice that my life would be different. I think that I’ve devoted the time, the pain and the effort to seriously reconsider the toxins in my life so that I could forgive others and more importantly, forgive myself.

The challenge of such an endeavour became clear this weekend though when it took hours for the dust that my dagger had stirred up to settle. I had hurt the man that I love and couldn’t forgive myself for having done so. Somewhere, in the recesses of my mind, I believed that while all the work I’ve done has turned my life around, it still doesn’t change the fact that, in comparison to most, I’m still damaged goods and my margin for error then becomes much smaller than those around me. I was suddenly unworthy of being loved anymore and the only way to make things right was to endure the pain of watching him walk away.

How does this happen to a person?? Russ and I have often discussed the differences between how we perceive ourselves and how others perceive us only to realize that our realities are quite different. While some may see a strong, confident woman in me, there are times when I see (and feel) a scared little girl that desperately wants to be loved…and mostly by herself. I think it’s safe to say that we all have our insecurities and that everyone has moments of weakness that hit certain nerves more than others. Clearly, mine is a state of vulnerability in which I need forgiveness for my lack of perfection. I need reminding that even though I simply don’t get it right all the time, it doesn’t mean that I deserve the punishment of being left behind. Clearly, for all the work I’ve done…there are still bruised parts of my soul that have yet to heal from enduring years of brutal beatings. This has to be okay though because, although I refuse to be a prisoner to my past, I am shaped by it and as the saying goes, “our scars remind us that the past was real”.

And so we move ahead…our broken hearts still beating just the same…

Fabulous Fall Fun with Beautiful Baby Virginie!!