I've been struck lately by how much the physical child living within me has made me more aware of the figurative child within me. Cognitive specialists tend to share a common belief that most forms of anxiety are learned behaviours developed early in childhood and in turn, adults diagnosed with any form of anxiety should pay special attention to the needs of their "inner child" in order to help overcome what can sometimes be a very debilitating condition.
I was once told by my cognitive specialist, after nearly three months of treatment, that according to his findings, for all intents and purposes, I should have, as an adult, become an alcoholic or a drug addict. He told me this so that it could act as a reminder that we all have the ability to make choices in our lives and that while we may be a product of our past...we are never forced to become a prisoner to it. I had apparently chosen to become something different than the textbook definition of what I was supposed to become. At the time, his statement didn't really make me feel much better because while it's true that I didn't subject myself to any form of substance abuse (I've never actually done a single drug of any kind in my entire life), I grew up internalizing a different kind of addiction; I became a chronic worrier and nearly obsessive about pleasing other people. In my mind, this form of self-abuse is just as bad and in some ways, even more toxic.
But then I became pregnant and for the first time in my life, my health and well-being directly affected the health and well-being of another person, and it wasn't long before I started asking myself the ever important question what do I need right now?
This seems like an easy enough question to address but what happens if you've never actually asked yourself that before? What happens when you genuinely don't know the answer because you've never taken the time to find out? This has been my experience over the past number of months.
I can say with utmost certainty that I have spend a great deal of my life putting the needs of others before my own. Truthfully, I haven't really known how to do any differently and in many ways, this has hindered my ability to grow into the person that I hope to be with any degree of confidence. I am changing that now...but it takes time and oh so much patience!
I once read that some years are for asking questions and others are for receiving answers, and I find comfort in this because it reminds me that the questions are just as, if not more, important than the answers. That being said, before I was able to start finding answers to the question what do I need? I found myself venturing more around the question of how much has the role of obligation, guilt and expectation played in my life thus far? Albeit completely unpleasant, this question had be asked because as my favourite author, Elizabeth Gilbert, once wrote "the rules of transcendence insist that you will not advance even one inch closer to divinity as long as you cling to even one last seductive thread of blame." So I began to ask the questions so that I could make room for the answers.
And I have to say that I've been surprised to see what has come up over time; what has come up actually has been this wolverine like desire to protect myself from things that were previously considered acceptable. This has translated into the need for some space, some time and every now and then...a nap!
So as our son gets ready to make his appearance in the world, it turns out that he is not the only child that I will be getting to know. That little dark haired girl inside of me is also making her appearance and helping to change my life in significant ways as well. Both children, with their innocence and wonder, need to be protected and loved and cherished...and both of them, in their own way and by their mere presence, will make my world a better place.
See you soon little ones...
