leaving on a jet plane...

I’m reading Eat Pray Love. Again. For something like the sixth time! Because I love it just that much! It also seemed wildly appropriate to read it as we were heading off to Italy for a much needed “Elizabeth Gilbert-esque” makeover of my own.

I’m not necessarily proud to say this but truth be told, I’ve never looked or felt more tired than I do right now. My entire body simply radiates fatigue at this moment and while I know that ten days in Europe is not the everlasting cure, I do know that ten days in the Eternal City is better than ten days spent here. The last two months (who am I kidding…the last EIGHT months!) have been really challenging and my poor body has taken quite a beaten because of it. I’ve coped and I’ve actually coped quite well but everything has its limit and the timing of this trip couldn’t be more ideal. I can’t think of a better place to renew my body and soul than a country that prides itself on the pursuit of pure pleasure!!! I mean really, any nation that encourages you to eat gelato at 9am is alright by me!!

Steve and I are embarking on a transition of sorts right now and the next ten days is the perfect way to bridge the entrance to some pretty significant changes. A lot is about to happen in our world upon our return and while we’ve known about them for awhile, anticipation is very different than reality. Many elements of our life are undergoing some major overhauls; changes with our work, family moving away, a brother heading to Afghanistan for nine months…and the list goes on. Undoubtedly, the wheels are going to start spinning at a fairly rapid pace when we get back and I think that this trip will provide us with just the opportunity we need to get a little bit more grounded.

So I’ve got my sunscreen, my toothbrush and some good magazines for the plane!

I’d say that I’m set!

See you in ten days!

checking in...

I spent some time in Starbucks this morning while waiting for my appointment and I ended up finishing the book My Year of Living Biblically by A.J. Jacobs! One word (three syllables!); a.ma.zing. Seriously…it was brilliant and refreshingly humorous! Jacobs is a writer for Esquire Magazine and decided to take his secular self and live an entire year following all the rules of the Bible as literally as possible. This is no easy feat for anyone nonetheless a New Yorker!!

I honestly thought that the book was fantastic and I was sad when it ended. I loved seeing the manner in which a person would change shape while learning all about the Bible for the first time and in many ways, we share very similar beliefs. Though Jacobs is agnostic and I’m Catholic, I very much agree with the words of David Usher; “I believe your truth is not my truth and that God can exist in many places at one time”. This is not a view that many of my fellow Catholics would be happy to share with me but for better or worse, I’m okay with a world of mixed beliefs…even if they are not mine!

My favourite part of the book was the manner in which Jacobs would do little “status reports” throughout the course of the book reporting on the evolution of his faith as he ventured further into his year. I like the idea of taking momentary checks with your self. I don’t do that enough. I have a tendency to look back when all is said and done…but hardly ever “mid-stream”. So it compelled me take some time this morning during my walk to work to do a mental status report on my post-traumatic stress progress.

Where am I? Really?

Quantitatively, I’m seven weeks into my ten weeks of dissecting my feelings regarding what happened. Mentally, I sometimes I wonder if my doctor is going to make it out of this alive! I’m not always the most gracious of patients. Emotionally, I’m tired of the process. I often walk out of there feeling as though I’ve just survived a severe gang beating; twenty years of fearing cancer takes hold of me and never fails to kick my ass. Needless to say that I don’t really feel like I’m winning this battle at this moment. It makes me wonder what the real cancer is; the potential tumour or the never ending fear of something that may or may not ever exist? Either way, I certainly know which one is more poisonous. This thought eventually led to another one though and it posed the question of whether or not this is actually a battle to be won or lost? Perhaps it’s actually a nagging roommate that I need to learn to be friends with so we can be in the same room together without fighting over the remote control. Perhaps we were always meant to share the same space but we just never determined the ground rules of living together yet. Maybe it’s about cohesiveness instead of a notice of eviction…about understanding instead of conquering. Maybe it’s about not just checking in with my self more often but also with the big bad monster that lives under my bed.

Or maybe my big bad monster needs to spend some time with my doctor instead of me…I’m tired of being the middle man!!

a closer look...

I’ve been wondering a lot lately about how people perceive themselves. This was triggered in me when I noticed some rather offensive facebook material that left me pondering words none other than this…“and to think that these people are and/or will be parents” {insert cringe here}. As people leave racial and highly cynical remarks all over the pages of cyberspace, I can’t help but feel tempted to ask them if that’s the sort of thing that they would want to be passing on to our world’s most impressionable. It’s as though becoming adults has left us the freedom of financial and personal responsibility but we’ve disregarded the higher and more important responsibility…that which is owed to those other than ourselves.

I don’t have children of my own but I don’t think that you need to be a parent to acknowledge that a lot of time is spent being very cautious about the people who influence the children in your life. You want them to mingle with the “right” crowd, go to the “right” schools, preferably grow up in the “right” neighborhoods and yet all the while, how often do we consider if we, ourselves, are people that we would want our children spending time with? Do we demonstrate the same values and morals that we would want our children to learn or do we leave it up to those “right” people and places to do that for us?

Of course, we’d all like to think that we play our part but I’m really starting to wonder. If I had children, would I want them to demonstrate the same self-criticism that I have towards myself or expect discipline from them that I have yet to achieve? Simple answer; probably! And why not? We always want the best for the children in our lives, right? But then I find myself wondering whether or not that’s a fair expectation to put on any child; to expect them to learn despite our own example? Simple answer: no!

All this to say that I’ve taken this realization as an opportunity to attempt at curbing some of my own behaviour based on the “would I want my child to see this?” theory! It’s one thing to do something and judge it as right or wrong by your own standards but it’s entirely different to do so when you’re considering the influence on future generations. Perhaps next time I’m tempted to exude my judgement or my jealousy, I’ll imagine the future “mini me” standing alongside and maybe that will be motivation enough to reconsider what kind of mark I really want to leave on the world…

the universe wins again...

So everyone has had those moments when the universe subtly nudges you in a certain direction but don’t you just love it when it outright slaps you in the face?!?! I don’t have those moments a lot but when I do, they usually make me laugh out loud from the pure irony and hilarity of their timing.

Today, I had one of those moments!

For a little while now, I’ve been considering shutting down this blog. I’ve had the hardest time though because there is a piece of me that really, really doesn’t want to. I’ve grown so attached and while my posting may be a bit more sporadic than I would like right now, my blog is still like an old friend that is always there for me when I need it…just waiting for me to vent away about my life’s recent happenings.

A large part of the debate that I have with myself is regarding my writing in general. With the overwhelming amount of work that has been launched into my photography, my writing has taken a major backseat in terms of priority. And I’ve been sad to see this happen. However, I also know that the start of my photography is much like having a small child; it requires a lot of care and attention right now but eventually it will grow up and be able to hold its own a little bit more. I find comfort in this; in knowing that the learning curve won’t always be so steep and that eventually, my photography will be my only job instead of one of my jobs and that in turn, will give my life the equilibrium that it’s been lacking over the past six months. And of course, this is where my novel and my writing in general will once again see the light of day. So needless to say that I haven’t yet been able to pull the plug!

Then low and behold, this morning I received an email from the Manager of Member Outreach at Helium.com, the writing network that I’m a part of, asking if they could feature my blog on their site! Seriously, I had to laugh; just as I was fighting with the idea of bidding farewell, the universe finds its way of telling me that it’s not quite the time just yet! I promptly emailed her back and all the while, accepted the fact that certain powers that be might know better than I do…

…at least for now!

ever after...

It was a Wednesday…an especially delightful one at that. I remember walking down the street towards our apartment during what seemed to be an absolutely perfect summer afternoon. The air was warm, the breeze was light and sun was beaming through the trees. It was, most definitely, a perfect day!

Steve had called me earlier in the afternoon to let me know that he had a meeting that was going to go a bit later and to just head home…that he would see me there. We normally touch base every evening before leaving work and it felt strange not to hear his voice before leaving the office.

I remember thinking to myself as I approached our apartment that we should go out for dinner or dessert or at least do something to celebrate and enjoy how amazing this summer day. We had had a pretty busy summer up until then; we had just moved into our new apartment a few months earlier and I had just changed jobs a few weeks earlier…so a lot of our time involved adjusting to a new routine and getting used to a lot of changes, albeit good ones. It seemed like the perfect occasion to take a breather from our usual schedules and indulgence in the very best of summer.

Steve had other plans though…

As I walked up the stairs to our top floor apartment, I could hear music coming from our living room and it made me wonder if we had forgotten to turn off the radio before leaving home that morning. As I opened the door, Steve popped his head out from the kitchen…smiled and said hi! Clearly confused (because he was supposed to be a meeting), I merely stood in my tracks wondering what I had missed. As I looked around the room, I quickly realized that Steve’s presence wasn’t the only thing that seemed out of place; our apartment was filled with the smell of his famous lasagna; there were a dozen roses on our table in the hallway; our bed was covered with rose petals and our entire apartment was lit with candles. Before I even had the chance to understand what was happening, my beloved was on one knee with the most beautiful diamond ring I had ever seen. I don’t honestly remember what he said but I remember being speechless because there were no words…only him. Only my Steve…my love…my fiancé!

And here I thought that I was just walking home that day and going out for dinner when really, I was going home and walking right into a fairytale.

a wrestler named jacob...

I’ve been realizing this week just how immature I often still feel in my faith. While I may be turning a year older in a couple of days, I don’t feel like I’ve made the same progress regarding my wisdom. I still worry a lot. I still panic a lot. I still fight the elements a lot. I still would rather talk to God than listen to Him. I still argue with God all the time and often mistake His “not yet” for “no” (and then throw a five year old temper tantrum when I don’t get my way). Most of all though, I still have a really hard time letting go; letting go of the things that I can’t control, letting go of the desire to know the unknown, letting go of the people who have hurt or disappointed me, letting go of my fears and insecurities and letting go of the notion that no matter how much I try to “will” it otherwise…bad things still happen. I have a hard time letting go.

I’m amazed sometimes at how much I am able to lose control (the little amount that I do actually have). My world becomes a fog of anxiety and while I act like time is standing still, it still moves along at its steady pace leaving me looking back, days later, wondering what I did with it. And the reality is that not only do I let this happen…but I make this happen. I make this chaos around me. I make the energy of panic swirl around me in a dense cloud of doom not unlike the funnel clouds that I used to see every summer as a little girl. They too created a deep panic in me that I couldn’t quite shake.

I often spend entire days begging God to help me trust Him more…to take away my despair towards a situation that hasn’t even happened yet (and often never does). And yet I still fight. Just like Jacob, I fight determined to prove to God that I am right and that I ultimately know best. Needless to say that I never win, instead, I make the waiting unbearable with my own rationale and logic (that’s usually drenched with emotion instead of faith).

How do others do it? How do they find that ability to take the possibility of broken hearts and broken dreams, and hand it over for someone else to bear the weight? How did Jacob learn to stop wrestling in the dirt with God all the time? How does someone gain maturity in their faith at the same pace that we gain candles on our cake? When do the answers start coming faster than the questions?

All of this to say that for my birthday, I would like my name to be changed to Israel. It seemed to work nicely for Jacob!!

collecting dust...

I got a very funny email a little while ago that still makes me laugh any time I think about it; it was very short and sweet…saying only “I really love your pictures! Don’t forget that you still owe me a novel though!”

I have to admit that my book has indeed taken a major backseat to my latest endeavor. I only just checked my helium account for the first time today in probably three months. I was pleased to see that three of my articles are still ranked number one! I knew going into this that I wouldn’t have the same time to write as before. I knew that the learning curve would be high and that the business aspect alone would be all consuming but I didn’t realize how much I would miss it. I didn’t realize how much of myself I sorted out here…how much of my self was literally sprawled out on this screen.

Even my journal, that I literally carry with me everywhere I go, has sat unloved in my bag for months without so much as even a date scribbled in it. I can’t really remember a time when I would go more than a day or so without writing; either here, in my journal or to a friend. It’s amazing how much life alters in little ways when you remove such a large component of your day to day living.

So I’ve decided that I’m going to spend my lunch hour on my own today and crack open my journal again. I have so much to write about and no idea where to start so I’ll start with the most obvious place…Starbucks! That should put me in the mood!!! I’ll take my peppermint half-caf (because I’m still purging!) mocha and let the words flow out of me.

And hopefully, with any luck, that will lead to a few more of them here too!

bad gen...

I know…I know…you don’t need to tell me twice; I’m a bad blogger! BUT…to be fair, I’m only a bad blogger because I’m (at least somewhat) a good photographer!

But I did get my wrist slapped today for not “respecting my readership” enough to give you something other than the cute little horse to look at! My bad! So here I am…despite my writer’s block, with my sad attempt at keeping you informed!

We actually only just got back yesterday from our quick little trip to Tilbury and Port Elgin. Steve’s cousin, Sarah, got married last Saturday and we were all there to pay our tribute to Michael Jackson on their dance floor (even Grandma Smyth got her groove on…which is the first that I’ve seen!). Then it was off to Port Elgin to visit Colin and Sandra for a couple of days before making our way back to Ottawa. It actually took us nine painful hours in the car to get home yesterday. How sad is that?!?! This leads me to conclude that I despise two things; construction season and eighty-year-old women who drive ten kilometers below the speed limit. It’s infuriating. Not to mention that we hit Ottawa just in time to for rush hour which meant that it took us another forty-five minutes just to cross town.

On a happy note though; Tugger is still alive and well! He was a bit pissed that we left him for a week (don’t go calling the SPCA…we did leave him in the very capable hands of my father while we were gone!) and then eventually his grumpiness turned into an inability to walk anywhere without being glued to our ankles. Felines are so predictable!!!

Also, I returned home to receive word of four more confirmed photo shoots and another inquiry. I am officially booked solid until mid-September now with two more weddings, an engagement shoot, another maternity shoot, a family session and a couple more surprises that I’m not allowed to mention just yet (because the pictures are a surprise for someone!). I have to say that it was a pretty great way to come home!

I’m kind of surprised that I forgot to mention this sooner but, I’ve decided to go on a caffeine purge! I’ve been drinking oodles of coffee lately because of the crazy late nights that I’ve been pulling editing pictures and recently decided that I’m not cool with that! Coffee is okay…but sleep is better! Tilbury and Port Elgin provided the perfect places to start my purge because there isn’t a Starbucks anywhere within forty minutes of either place. As my reward though for not having coffee for an entire week, we stopped at the Starbucks in the Blue Mountains for a double chocolate chip blended cream frappuccino; the most calorie laden drink ever made but…completely caffeine free!!!!

As anyone who has ever kicked a habit knows very well; you need to substitute your previous behaviour with something new. In my case, I replaced coffee with vampires! That’s right…I caved and started reading Twilight! I’m about three quarters of the way through the first book right now and I’ll admit; I like it! I don’t “read-all-four-books-in-one-week-the-way-Jamie-did” like it…but it’s certainly charming in its own blood sucking kind of way! I don’t think that I’ll continue to read the other three books but then again, I said that about the first one too! I guess only time and caffeine withdrawal will tell!

It’s my birthday next week! That came as a bit of a surprise to me when my sister-in-law gave me an early birthday card while we were in Tilbury because my birthday being around the corner means that the second half of July is also just around the corner…which really blows my mind.

Perhaps my birthday resolution will be to post here more often…?!?!? Or not?!?! Two blogs sounds like a lot of work for a thirty-one year old!!!!

speaking of which...

The pictures from the below mentioned post are now ready and can I just say that baby horses rock my world!!!!

Check them out here.

god bless camera phones...

Ugh…so I don’t have too much time to blog because I’m in a state of “über editing” as I like to call it! I’m in the process of editing three different photo shoots, all of which were incredibly fun and all of which I want to see the results RIGHT NOW!

One of them though was out in rural Ottawa with some very photogenic horses! Yeah for me! Not only did we have a blast but the day got somewhat documented by another camera that happen to be on hand.

So I wanted to post of couple of pictures of me hard at work and out in the sticks!! You’ll be able to see the final photos from this shoot over at my photo blog hopefully within the next week or so but in the meantime, both wedding slideshows are now up! Whew…what a month!

Thanks Shawn for having such a wicked camera phone!!!

one hundred years of solitude...

I think that I’ve mentioned on more than one occasion about my need to have time and space to myself. I’m pretty sure that this is a result of being an only child and never having been forced to share either if I didn’t want to. My regular routine has generally included numerous hours of reading or writing on my own without the obligations and responsibilities of the outside world.

Now, having said that, those days seem to have come and gone!!!! In fact, I have never been busier or worked harder in my entire life than I have during the past two months and with that, my solitary hours of “nothing-ness” have become a thing of the past!! Much to my own surprise though, I don’t seem to mind too much. There is the odd Monday morning meltdown (“ugh…is it Monday already?!?!”) but otherwise, my stamina has been holding out rather well despite the fact that my body wants to sleep for an entire week!

Knowing all too well that my days of solitude and leisurely summer reading have gone the way of high school summer breaks, I’ve been trying to find a way to incorporate the days I once knew with the days I now have. So far, it’s been a lot of bringing my laptop to work and enjoying my lunch hour Starbucks whilst I edit photos. But I’ve had to be more creative lately because the pace has picked up and I now find myself juggling photo shoots and needing even more time in order to make sure that they don’t pile up too much!! So yesterday, after spending the afternoon shooting the most adorable of one year olds, I parked myself on my living room floor, turned on season four of Sex & the City and continued working on my other two shoots in the company of my favourite New York City girls! It was lovely! I can’t believe that I hadn’t thought it earlier!!

Ergonomic…shmergonomic!! Mental health is far more important than good posture!!

the dark side of facebook...

I’ve concluded that you don’t ever really know someone that until you’ve seen their Facebook profile! Okay, that’s not true but I am realizing that when it comes to people that you are acquainted with, their cyber world can and does become a very revealing place.

I recently became “friends” with someone that I’ve known since late last year. She is seriously one of the most stunning of stunning girls that I’ve ever met! She should be on a Calvin Klein poster somewhere and come to think of it…I have no doubt that she actually will one day! I never realized though just how little I really knew about her until I creeped onto her profile page to get a glimpse into her “real life”. From the stories that she would tell me, I always knew that life was far more adventurous than mine had ever been but I only just discovered that that’s putting it very midly!!!

So, not only has she received the lion’s share of beauty in this world but, she’s also visited every continent in the world; lived on three of them; been accepted to two Ivy League schools; worked as a photographer for a modeling agency; begun work on her own upcoming photography exhibit and is in the midst of debating which Ph.D. would suit her best.

Did I mention that she’s twenty years old…?!?!

Seriously, I don’t think that I can be friends with her anymore!!! That’s simply too much magnificence to read about first thing in the morning!!!!

Note to self: only read about gorgeous, brilliant, cultured, talented, twenty year olds who can use the words “post-modernism” and “neuropsychology” in the same sentence when tequila is well within arm’s reach! Ugh!

too many memories...

So apparently, the wrath of 2009 has caught up with me and I have post-traumatic stress. I haven’t been sleeping well for the last little while and certain things seem to trigger panic attacks in me of the likes that I haven’t experienced in years.

The night that I first discovered the lump was a Thursday. It was one of the first really warm days of the season and we had just been out for a walk. The sun had gone down, the windows were open and the night air was still really comfortable. We had been in our bedroom laughing about something and the television was playing some rerun of a sitcom. Our cat was playing on our bed with a green blanket that had just come out of the dryer. I could hear the neighbors outside and the busyness of everyone relishing summer for the first time in many months. I am finding that any of these memories, aligned in just the right way, end up flooding me with an overwhelming feeling of recognition that I can’t quite shake. It brings me to tears, it brings me to my knees and it brings me to a place that I would rather not remember over and over again.

The day that we received the call saying that I was healthy was a Monday. It too was an unusually warm day and the wind was blowing through in a sometimes violent manner. Dozens of little kids were outside preparing for soccer practices and neighbors were out walking their dogs. Tugger was stretched out in a ray of sun across our kitchen floor. I can remember the smell of someone nearby barbecuing ribs and the sound of a lawnmower. The days were getting longer and the anticipation of summer was getting nearer. But these things don’t matter because I am still locked in Thursday and the perpetually slow speed at which Monday seemed to find its way to us.

Fortunately, one of the top specialists in the region for treating post-traumatic stress is right here in Ottawa and also fortunately, my particular case has become enough of a priority that I am not forced the endure the four or five month waiting list that most people are being subjected to. Instead, I will spend the next three months, starting today, being treated for a wound that happened in a moment.

My new project this summer is going to extend beyond my photography or my writing or planning our trip to Italy; it’s going to include learning to cope with life after seeing a scarier side of it; It’s going to include learning to find joy in places despite my found realization that they can be gone in an instant; It’s going to include being brave enough to stare down my worst nightmare and not let it haunt me in my dreams anymore.

It’s going to include being happy again.

shadow of a doubt...

Wow…it’s been a while since I’ve been here! I’m surprised sometimes at how easy it is to lose track of time and I’m equally surprised at how distraught I can get when I’ve realized that I haven’t kept any record of that time. Clearly, I’ve created a monster here!

I’ve been thinking a lot about doubt lately. I’m not really sure if I consider it a good thing or not to doubt the world around you but I’ve concluded that while I live my life very strongly through the roots of my faith…that faith has almost constantly been challenged along the way. I’m certainly not a skeptic of the world. In fact, I rather enjoy being able to things at face value and trust in the truth of things around me…but I do ask a lot of questions. I’m pretty sure that given the chance, Brother David would have liked to have sent me to the back of the classroom during Bible Study because I’m the annoying one that wants an explanation for what the world was like before Jesus came to town!

So yes, I do question the world. I’ve questioned my faith; I’ve question my religion; I’ve questioned my choices and the choices of others; I’ve questioned whether or not the doctors are right; I’ve questioned the road that I’ve walked down; I’ve questioned a lot of things I my life…and it’s possible that I haven’t questioned enough things…but is that the same as doubting? Are they one in the same?

I started wondering this when I noticed that I was questioning myself and my abilities and my worth and my place among my fellow humans. Or rather, I should say that I started doubting all of these things which, having been in the midst of it, felt very different from simply putting the questions out there. Doubting felt like my mind had already been made up before even receiving the answer. Doubting felt like scrutiny that wasn’t waiting for a rebuttal. Doubting felt like telling instead of asking. Doubting felt sucky!

Luckily though, I realized that even my doubts should be subjected to the same questioning that I unleash on everything else! If we are to doubt something; faith, love, ourselves, whatever…then we should at least be willing to scrutinize our doubts in the same manner that scrutinize that which we are doubting. It’s only fair because I think that doubt comes from a darker place than questioning does and doubt can shed a darker shadow over our lives than the simple act of questioning can.

Of course, we all want to live lives with the kind of conviction that leaves no shadow of a doubt but that’s only possible when we make enough room for the light to get in.

all grown up...

Well Dorothy...I don't think that we're in Kansas anymore!

Ladies and gentlemen...the business cards have been printed, the word is out and the official fifteen:fifty-one photography site has been launched!

so.exciting.

Visit the new site here...

{if you're viewing on Internet Explorer v.6...it might be a bit finicky...IE has a personal vendetta against me!!}

one of many...

It seems needless to say that the “summer of Gen” hasn’t exactly started out as planned but then again; it’s not officially summer yet, so there’s still hope! As a matter of fact, some good friends and I have decided that the second half of 2009 is going to blow every other year out of the water! From our lips to God’s ears!!!

This past weekend proved that we might have been heard after all! We didn’t do anything exceptionally out of the ordinary but, we were in good company for the weekend and that’s exactly what we needed. Steve and I did our last long run of our training on Saturday morning which always makes me happy because it hereby gives me permission to eat and be lazy for the remainder of the weekend!

I was supposed to have a photo shoot on Saturday afternoon/evening but we got rained out so my two hours of taking pictures turned into two hours curled up in bed with my kitty cat and my latest book! Frankly, it doesn’t get much better than that...regardless of how much I love taking pictures!

We headed out to the Market to spend Saturday night with some friends (and the best white wine that I’ve ever had – way to go New Zealand!) and it was seriously one of the very best nights that I’ve had in a really long time!

Sunday was the re-scheduled photo shoot with a kick ass couple followed by the afternoon spent with our niece and nephew who were on a “fly-by” visit between Edmonton and New Brunswick. While the boys hung out terrorizing with the kids, us ladies took off to Starbucks to raise a latté to good health, new careers and amazing friends & family.

It was really the perfect weekend.

I was thinking about it later this week though and tried to figure out why I enjoyed it so much. Like I said, we didn’t do much out of the ordinary but the weekend, albeit quite busy, left me feeling really rejuvenated and energized. I finally figured it out today when I was making small talk with someone that I don’t know very well and it suddenly struck me; pretending is a lot of work!!! Plain and simple!

I used to spend a lot of time with people that were merely superficial friends; those that you socialized with but don’t really know much about you. In fact, a large part of my life was like that and ultimately, it left me in a group of people and not really knowing anyone at all. It also left me up to my ears in drama and unexpressed expectations because all parties involved weren't being honest with themselves or each other. Over the last few years though, I’ve done a rather large “purge” regarding my social circle and slowly started putting some distance between myself and those that I don’t entirely feel comfortable with. I guess as I got older, I decided to limit the people that I share my life with and as a result, I’m become very particular about who I’m willing to be friends with…friendships free of pretences and superficiality; people that don’t just pop up in your life when they want to share their great news or prove something to you…but those that share the not so great as well. It wasn’t necessarily an easy decision to make at the time…but now that I’m in it, I’m glad that I did.

I had a new appreciation this weekend for those in my life that render humility a much easier task. It isn’t always easy to be open about fears and insecurities, challenges and sadness, jealousy and envy…but my friends make it easy. And not only do they make it easy…they bring great wine too!!

Really…what more could a girl want?!?

and you thought you were entertaining...

I wouldn't mind having these guys around for one of our parties!!! This small clip doesn't really do them the justice they deserve but the entire clip was almost twenty minutes and even I didn't make it through the whole thing!!!

{Nathan "Flutebox" Lee & Beardyman performing at Google in the U.K.}

change of plans...

I feel so disorganized right now! For anyone that knows me well, you know that this does not sit well with me! It’s kind of interesting how much life seemed to change for the ten days that we found ourselves in “limbo”; our days were essentially put on hold in a way and now that the dust is starting to settle, I find it almost comical how much all of the things we left neglected during that time were patiently sitting there waiting for our return!

I spent the better of last night cleaning our house. As strange as this is going to sound, I often feel like the state of my outward environment is a direct reflection of my emotional state at the time!! Scary but true! So in a hopeful attempt at getting our life organized again…I started with the house! It was very cathartic!

On another note…I have writer’s block! I’m hoping to have my official photography site up and running by next weekend and I’ve been trying to work on the “about me” portion of the site to no avail. Can you believe that? I’ve posted over three hundred blog posts and yet I’ve stared blankly at my computer screen for a week trying to find the right words to explain who I am. Ugh. Actually, I NEED the site to be ready by next weekend because I have five photo shoots scheduled over the next seven weeks and if it doesn’t get done now, it’s going to get buried in a pile of editing and it will end up being July before it ever sees the light of day. No can do!

A bunch of people have been asking me of late what Steve and I did to celebrate our good news last week and I’ve been intrigued by people’s curiosity. Mostly, I’ve been intrigued because had you asked me a month ago what I imagine I would have wanted to do in such a situation, I would have likely said something along the lines of going out for a beautiful dinner, with a bottle of wine and an indulgent dessert. Come to think of it, I think that’s exactly what Steve had in mind when he picked me up from work that night! On our way home, after relishing in each other’s sighs of relief he looked over at me and said “so, what are we going to do tonight? Anything you want…” Honestly, all I wanted to do was to go for a walk in the warm summer air (it was 28 degrees that day), watch some funny shows and peacefully read my book before going to bed. Steve was surprised…he didn’t think it was celebratory enough. But that’s what I wanted; I wanted to enjoy our life, our routine, our day…without the weight of our worry to carry around with us. So that’s what we did…we went for a nice walk after work and ended up at Starbucks & Chapters with indulgent drinks in our hand and too many literary possibilities in front of us!

That’s when we started realizing just how “demanding” this year has been on us so far. We’ve coped better than even we thought we would be able to but nonetheless…it hasn’t exactly been smooth sailing and it’s certainly left us a bit depleted. That’s when we realized how much we would love a vacation right about now; a break from our world for a little bit so that we can really celebrate what it means to cherish life right now instead of later. So we’re going to Italy…for our anniversary! It wasn’t exactly part of the “plan” for this year but neither was any of the crap we just endured…so we’ve decided to change the plan on our terms a little bit as well!! It is only fair I think!

Hello Italian wine!

totally random thought...

Steve and I were doing our run last night through the NRC campus when we both commented on how the air smelled like a wet dog. But sure enough, there were no dogs, nonetheless wet ones, anywhere to be seen.

This got us thinking; maybe it’s not actually dogs that smell bad…maybe it’s spring and dogs actually smell like "wet spring" and not the other way around??

Maybe dogs have been taking the blame for decades because of the stinky spring air and all the while, they've been given a bad name because of it.

I think it’s possible that we’ve just uncovered a really big Dan Brown mystery here! I totally see a movie in the works somewhere!

breathe and reboot...

When I was in my second year of University, I worked with a guy named Tim at our local video store. One morning, Tim called in sick, saying that he had the flu and later that day, near the end of my shift, Tim’s Mom called saying that he had been hospitalized and that the doctor’s weren’t expecting him to live through the night. Needless to say, it was very shocking for all of us that knew him.

It turned out that Tim had drank a glass of water that had been sitting out and a form of bacteria that would have normally just given the rest of us an upset stomach, ended up attacking Tim’s heart and he developed an infection. At some point in time throughout the night, Tim was being transported by ambulance from the hospital to the heart institute for further treatment. Tim died on the way there. And then he was revived. He had actually flat lined and was considered clinically dead for close to three minutes before his heart was brought back to life and later treated. Tim’s life is the miracle that so many of us hope for.

When Tim returned to work about a month later, he seemed to be a completely different person. Tim was a writer and poet and had always possessed a very philosophical view of life. He was intense; passionate; joy filled and lived life with great intent. While he certainly had moments of happiness, Tim seemed very sad in the months following his illness. One night, a bunch of us went out for drinks after work and I asked Tim how he was feeling now that his life was starting to go back to normal. He said that he was sad and that he had been sad ever since. He said that everyone in his “life after death” support group had discovered this new found appreciation for the beauty and simplicity of life, and he found himself suffering from a depression that he didn’t quite know how to get himself out of. The world was just a sad place to him now. All I could really do for Tim was listen because in no way could I sympathize with what he was going through but, if I could see Tim now, I would look him in the eye and say “Tim…I understand”.

In no way has the outcome of our recent ordeal in any way compared to what he went through but in the three days since my test results came back…I’ve been sad. While I’ve been beyond grateful for the best possible outcome, I’ve also felt a despair that I haven’t quite been able to shake. I’ve felt sad at the realization of just how fleeting life is and at just how little we truly appreciate the subtle moments that pass us by. It makes my heart hurt to know how much time we spend suffering and struggling at the hands of our ego, our pride, our jealousy.

Death is scary. For most of us, its anticipation makes us shutter and despite our best efforts, it will catch up with all of us eventually. Some sooner than others but either way, we all know in the deepest recesses of our mind, that we are no exception. This is hard…at least for me. Just before Steve and I left to go to the hospital on the night we discovered the lump, I was curled up on the floor of our hallway telling Steve that I wasn’t ready yet; I didn’t want to go to the hospital because I wasn’t ready for our life to change this way yet; I wasn’t ready to go through something like this yet and I wasn’t ready to die yet. As long as I stayed on the floor, this wasn’t happening yet. And that’s what the prospect of death does to a lot of us; it paralyzes us in hopes that if we stay very, very still…so will time.

We all know that it doesn’t work this way though…and yet we still go about life as though it does.

I read once in a book that people who live with autism have a very different awareness of time and its passing. Somehow, they are almost always acutely aware that this moment, this minute, this day is eternally over and that you can never get it back. In turn, they are left with a melancholy from one passing moment after another. It’s left me wondering if perhaps getting bogged down in office politics or worrying about money is a human necessity sometimes…a defense mechanism to keep our world and our perspective small enough that it doesn’t scare us so much? Because the hugeness of our potential and our universe and our mortality can be a really scary place when you let yourself consider it for too long.

Perhaps Tim was pushed too far. Perhaps I was pushed too far. While Tim physically experienced death, I spent ten days mentally lingering in its presence. Perhaps we were both taken to places that we were not yet prepared to venture to and it’s left us with a sadness over how quickly the beauty of our world can slip between our fingers and turn to a grief that none of us are quite prepared for. Some people come out of such experiences living their entire life differently and as odd as this sounds; I don’t want to. I don’t want to because I don’t want to be reminded that I was once crying on the floor pleading with God to spare us this terror. I don’t want to be reminded that a moment changed everything. I don’t want to be reminded that my husband once had to worry about losing his wife…and that I had to see it in his eyes. I don’t want to be reminded that our universe can turn its dials that quickly. I don’t want to be reminded that this whole thing could have turned out very differently.

I’m sure that with a bit of time, I will be restored to my usual, if not better, self. But right now I need to acknowledge the fact that I’ve been shaken too hard and it’s changed something about the way I see the world. A good friend of mine and I were discussing yesterday how living life fully and happily is really a very fine line; it’s a delicate balance between appreciating the fragility of life without waiting for the other shoe to drop. I’ve experienced the other end of the spectrum more than I would have liked as of late and it may take me a little while to find my way back but it’s kind of like what Anna Nalick sings I guess, “You can’t jump the track, we’re like cars on a cable and life’s like an hour glass glued to the table…

…so just breathe.”