It recently occured to me that this summer would commemorate ten years of me living in Ottawa. It will be ten years in August that I packed up my things and my life, and moved onto the 13th floor of the Thompson Resident at Ottawa U.
More than this though, it would be ten years since my mother and I last lived together. And when you have spent your entire life living with someone...it's a big change.
I think that my mother and I could both easily admit that our last few years together were tumultuous at best, and we needed our space. Shortly after I came to Ottawa, my mom moved out west. Though not everyone supported her decision to do so, I always understood why my mother needed to go. After spending nearly twenty years being a single mother and raising an only daughter, I easily recognized that it was important for her to reconnect with the person that she used to be, outside of being a parent.
I think that we would both also agree that moving away was one of the best decisions that either of us made and it was likely the only way to salvage our depleting relationship. However, what we didn't take into account was that such distance would make it next to impossible to rebuild again. When you've spent a lifetime being a part of each other's day to day life, living across the country from each other does indeed give you space...and nothing else.
After we both moved, we have since never been able to be in a room together harmoniously. Old angers and resentments never fail to rear their ugly head and remind us of why we put five provinces between us. The reality is that we have both grown and changed so much in ten years but, never put in the necessary effort to include the other in that growth. Now, being together is like having to get to know each other all over again. Something that can't be done in a ten day visit.
I would never go so far as to say that my mother and I ever stopped loving each other but, I'm quite sure that there have been numerous times when we stopped liking each other. Even now, the only thing that we really have in common is our past. I question whether or not our relationship could ever be what it was however, I don't know that I would ever want it that way again because I'm not seventeen anymore and I think the reason it was so hard was because we were growing out of the relationship that we had.
With this being said though, I have very much missed my mother over the past decade. She was my very best friend for most of my life and the love that I have for her is very unique. I have missed being able to talk to her without arguing with her. I have missed her support and her acceptance for the person that I am (as opposed to the person that I didn't become). I miss going out to dinner with her and laughing at life. I miss talking about everything instead of having to pick and choose what topics to bring up. I wish that she could have been a part of the changes and growth that I experienced but, I also have to believe that the way our lives unfolded were for a reason, and I find comfort in that.
It all seems very sad when you look back at ten years of butting heads and never being able to get along but, alas, all new relationships have to start somewhere, and I think that we are starting to find that place once again.
Like myself, my mother is very "self-aware" person. She spends a great deal of time by herself and in turn, spends a lot of time writing and reading. I think that I attained a great love of words from my mother (I just so happens that we don't know how to use them properly all the time!!). I have always turned to writing when I've felt anxious or angry, and I have always turned to books for endless reasons. Sometimes, the written words surpasses everything else.
In recent months, my mother and I have started emailing each other. This is something that we seldom did before and somehow, has become a way of reconnecting. It forces us to listen without interruption, judgement or walking away. It enables us to connect without letting our hurt get in the way. Even if we are not in a position to be open at that time, our emails are always there to go back to later. In turn, we have to opportunity to really think about what we are saying to the other. My mother and I never really did learn that words cannot be taken back and often times, it only takes a few of them to rip a family apart. Emailing has been a lesson in rethinking what it is that you really want to communicate.
I don't know if I created this blog more for myself or for others. I never really thought that it would be used to scrapbook our life but, sure enough, it has become just that. I often get told that friends and family come by to visit as a way of keeping up with the ever changing lives that we all live in and I'm glad for that. I suppose, in my own way, it allows us to be a part of each other's day to day life again..because oddly enough, it is often those little things that make up who we are and who we become.
My mother, at the age of 58 (sorry Mom!) has also just created her own blog, called Living on the Edge, and I hope that he can be as cathartic for her as ours has been for us. I just love reading it and it really helps me to see her life through her eyes, as opposed to through my lens. I have learned in recent years that understanding is often the biggest hurdle to overcome in relationships. Often, we are so busy expecting from others that we don't allow ourselves to accept others. And accepting is all we can really do. Relationships take time and effort (regardless of what Hollywood tells us, love is not enough. I don't say that to be cynical but, the reality is that commitment is what makes the difference, not love.) and until both parties are willing to put forth that effort, than you're not likely to get very far. But every little step counts and brings us that much closer to understanding. For us, this is our step and (I think), a step in the right direction.
So, please drop by and visit my mom at her blog. As her daughter, if there is anything that can be said about my mother...it's that she's worth getting to know. She's had quite a journey and many stories to tell! And while you're there...ask her for her spaghetti recipe...it's to die for!
Check her out here.
More than this though, it would be ten years since my mother and I last lived together. And when you have spent your entire life living with someone...it's a big change.
I think that my mother and I could both easily admit that our last few years together were tumultuous at best, and we needed our space. Shortly after I came to Ottawa, my mom moved out west. Though not everyone supported her decision to do so, I always understood why my mother needed to go. After spending nearly twenty years being a single mother and raising an only daughter, I easily recognized that it was important for her to reconnect with the person that she used to be, outside of being a parent.
I think that we would both also agree that moving away was one of the best decisions that either of us made and it was likely the only way to salvage our depleting relationship. However, what we didn't take into account was that such distance would make it next to impossible to rebuild again. When you've spent a lifetime being a part of each other's day to day life, living across the country from each other does indeed give you space...and nothing else.
After we both moved, we have since never been able to be in a room together harmoniously. Old angers and resentments never fail to rear their ugly head and remind us of why we put five provinces between us. The reality is that we have both grown and changed so much in ten years but, never put in the necessary effort to include the other in that growth. Now, being together is like having to get to know each other all over again. Something that can't be done in a ten day visit.
I would never go so far as to say that my mother and I ever stopped loving each other but, I'm quite sure that there have been numerous times when we stopped liking each other. Even now, the only thing that we really have in common is our past. I question whether or not our relationship could ever be what it was however, I don't know that I would ever want it that way again because I'm not seventeen anymore and I think the reason it was so hard was because we were growing out of the relationship that we had.
With this being said though, I have very much missed my mother over the past decade. She was my very best friend for most of my life and the love that I have for her is very unique. I have missed being able to talk to her without arguing with her. I have missed her support and her acceptance for the person that I am (as opposed to the person that I didn't become). I miss going out to dinner with her and laughing at life. I miss talking about everything instead of having to pick and choose what topics to bring up. I wish that she could have been a part of the changes and growth that I experienced but, I also have to believe that the way our lives unfolded were for a reason, and I find comfort in that.
It all seems very sad when you look back at ten years of butting heads and never being able to get along but, alas, all new relationships have to start somewhere, and I think that we are starting to find that place once again.
Like myself, my mother is very "self-aware" person. She spends a great deal of time by herself and in turn, spends a lot of time writing and reading. I think that I attained a great love of words from my mother (I just so happens that we don't know how to use them properly all the time!!). I have always turned to writing when I've felt anxious or angry, and I have always turned to books for endless reasons. Sometimes, the written words surpasses everything else.
In recent months, my mother and I have started emailing each other. This is something that we seldom did before and somehow, has become a way of reconnecting. It forces us to listen without interruption, judgement or walking away. It enables us to connect without letting our hurt get in the way. Even if we are not in a position to be open at that time, our emails are always there to go back to later. In turn, we have to opportunity to really think about what we are saying to the other. My mother and I never really did learn that words cannot be taken back and often times, it only takes a few of them to rip a family apart. Emailing has been a lesson in rethinking what it is that you really want to communicate.
I don't know if I created this blog more for myself or for others. I never really thought that it would be used to scrapbook our life but, sure enough, it has become just that. I often get told that friends and family come by to visit as a way of keeping up with the ever changing lives that we all live in and I'm glad for that. I suppose, in my own way, it allows us to be a part of each other's day to day life again..because oddly enough, it is often those little things that make up who we are and who we become.
My mother, at the age of 58 (sorry Mom!) has also just created her own blog, called Living on the Edge, and I hope that he can be as cathartic for her as ours has been for us. I just love reading it and it really helps me to see her life through her eyes, as opposed to through my lens. I have learned in recent years that understanding is often the biggest hurdle to overcome in relationships. Often, we are so busy expecting from others that we don't allow ourselves to accept others. And accepting is all we can really do. Relationships take time and effort (regardless of what Hollywood tells us, love is not enough. I don't say that to be cynical but, the reality is that commitment is what makes the difference, not love.) and until both parties are willing to put forth that effort, than you're not likely to get very far. But every little step counts and brings us that much closer to understanding. For us, this is our step and (I think), a step in the right direction.
So, please drop by and visit my mom at her blog. As her daughter, if there is anything that can be said about my mother...it's that she's worth getting to know. She's had quite a journey and many stories to tell! And while you're there...ask her for her spaghetti recipe...it's to die for!
Check her out here.
1 comment:
i've had a very similar experience with my mom. obviously its different some, but there's something about being raised by a single mom that draws you close but also drives a wedge.
it was interesting discovering we have that in common. AND if you started university 10 years ago, we're approximately the same age too!
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