When I was in grade six, I confronted my first bully! She was someone that I had gone to school with since kindergarten and though she didn't specifically bully anyone in particular, she was very used to getting her way. One afternoon, our music teacher called in sick and we didn't have a substitute so, the principal set up a couple of televisions in our classroom with a variety of movies and we could watch whichever one we wanted (this was my kind of music class!!). There was about four or five of us curled up in a corner watching a particular movie when this girl came along and decided that she didn't want to watch any of the selected movies and, instead, wanted to put in her own movie in place of what we were watching. She walked over to our VCR (yes, we used VCRs back then!) and just began taking out our movie. Now, I have no idea what came over me at that time because I was never one to stand up to anyone but, I got up, took the movie out of her hand, put it back in the VCR and told her that she could either watch that movie with us or watch one of the other ones but until we were done, her movie was going to have to wait. I do remember quite vividly thinking for a brief moment that I was about to get beat up from here to kingdom come but instead, she just looked at me with fairly remorseful eyes and said "oh...sorry then...". She just walked away and from that day forward, she was always very nice to me. Funny how that happens!!!
I was thinking about that moment a little while ago because many of my friends and I have all been dealing with a variety of issues with people in our lives lately. Whether they be family, friends or the "x" factor, we all seem to be in a position where once again, someone needs confronting. Maybe it's something in the water...!!!!
I've heard it been said many times that we teach people how to treat us and while I think there is a great deal of truth to that comment, I think it overlooks the whole principle of ROE...Rules of Engagement!! Wikipedia (thanks Lesley!) defines ROE as a set of rules that determine when, where, and how force shall be used in military or police operations. While the rules may be made public, they are typically only fully known to the force that intends to use them. This whole concept is very intriguing to me because I can't understand how if, even in times of war, there can be a certain "understanding" regarding the proper rules of conduct, why is so difficult to get by as an adult in the everyday world without a lifetime worth of battle scars???
A lot has happened to me in the past eighteen months that has forced to me approach my life differently, and one of those things, has been to be really clear about what my own personal rules of engagement are. While I think that most people (myself included) have a pretty good understanding of their "non-negotiables", have you ever really stopped to consider how you react when people break your rules?? I used to be one of those people who would fight to the death. I thought that all things were worth talking out (and with some people, they are) but, overtime, I have come to understand that certain people believe that because of their position in your life...the rules simply don't apply to them. As disheartening as this is, these people are better left to their own devices because you can't break the rules until you've mastered them (or at the very least, taken the time to get to know them!!!).
I have come to believe that there are two types of people in this world; those who want to be right and those that want to be happy. Some people are so busy defending their actions that they overlook the possibility that someone's feelings have been hurt in the process. Don't get me wrong, these things happen, it's the nature of human relationships but, the best of relationships are those that possess humility and sincerity. The most important people in the world to me are those that I can I sit across from and sincerely share feelings without judgement or threat. Conflicts happen and people inadvertently get hurt but, ultimately the definition of a relationship is how that wound is cared for.
I think what I am trying to get at here, is that at some point in time, my friends and I are going to have to decide what the next move is. While Russ, Joanne and I can form our own support group for dealing with unreasonable people, we will still have to decide on our next move. I know that my next move is to simply not play the game, because one of my rules of engagement is to not spend any time on hostile enemy territory...what good is that when you're just going to get shot at all the time...?!?!
It always sucks to have to draw a line in the sand but, rules are rules and if someone can't make atleast an attempt to be respectful of them, then that becomes a choice that they have made. All you can do is round up your troops and continue on in pursuit of peaceful ends by peacefuls means. Let the bad guys wave their ammunition around and clean up the mess. While their busy proving their right, you'll be looking from beyond the battle grounds...being happy.
Game over.
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