Why is it so easy to feel trapped and cornered in this huge world of possibility? As I often sit in my office, I become overwhelmed with this feeling of having taken a wrong turn somewhere and suddenly finding myself in unfamiliar territory. The more lost I get, the more I fear that I can no longer find my way out.
Sometimes I wonder if I was born during the wrong time in history. Women in the 21st century seem to lack so much balance and more so, they seem to consistently pursue further imbalance by taking on more and more that inevitably continues to tip the scale. I often feel like I don’t know how to live in this state of disregard for our well-beings and it frightens me how surrounded I already am by the influence of ambition. I spend all day surrounded by women who scramble relentlessly to climb the corporate ladder and all the while, are watching their marriages, their families and their sanity dissolve before their very eyes.
I long for days of horse-drawn carriages and isolated convents…days of simplicity and mental equilibrium…days when having red hair was the worst of our problems! This place, these walls, this computer screen has chained me to feelings of driving in a fast lane that I accidently merged into, sadly enough though, I don’t exactly feel like I’m in the driver’s seat anymore.
I want out. I want to break free of this crippling feeling of being held captive against my will…held hostage for all to judge and criticize for my lack of desire to work sixty hours a week. I feel like a pack of wolves is keeping watch while the blackberry gets forcefully glued to my hand. How do we end up like this? How do we find our way out?
I find it incredible how so many of us have spent our whole lives going to school in order to live a life pursuing careers. I, myself, never thought to do otherwise. At the age of ten we’re asked “what do you want to be when you grow up?”, only to find ourselves at the age of twenty, thirty or forty still asking the same question.
When I sit on the front steps of my new house, the world seems vast and full of possibility. I am reminded that I’ve travelled to the corners of the world and read history in the palm of my hands. When I sit here, in my office, I feel like my world is reduced to this time and this place…with no where else to go. Even more tragically is that I overlook a spectacular scene of creation and a miracle that should bring serenity at its very sight. But it doesn’t. It brings heart palpitations and a depletion of my hope.
Two summers ago looked much the same way. My beautiful view was blurred by tears and anxiety that perpetually seemed to have brought me to my knees asking for mercy. Time did bring clearer skies and a more optimistic forecast…but I spent forty minutes this afternoon at the foot of the Lord begging for Him not to make me endure that storm again.
One of my favourite writers once said that when days like this fall upon us, we are to try and find comfort in that which soothes our soul; a good book, a beloved pet, a warm bath, the embrace of a loved one, a good dose of chocolate…whatever it takes to makes the rumbling, dark clouds a little easier to bear. In the end…if all that fails…we’re to take two Tylenol, go to bed and give her a call in the morning!
The fact that I have the book, the pet, the bath (a rather large one!), the loved one (lots of them), the chocolate AND the Tylenol leaves me feeling a little selfish for being sad at all…but maybe the best remedy to sad days is just that…counting all the ways that could make it better. Fur balls and loving arms are indeed very hard to frown at.
But still, just for today…anyone got any Tylenol?!?!?
Sometimes I wonder if I was born during the wrong time in history. Women in the 21st century seem to lack so much balance and more so, they seem to consistently pursue further imbalance by taking on more and more that inevitably continues to tip the scale. I often feel like I don’t know how to live in this state of disregard for our well-beings and it frightens me how surrounded I already am by the influence of ambition. I spend all day surrounded by women who scramble relentlessly to climb the corporate ladder and all the while, are watching their marriages, their families and their sanity dissolve before their very eyes.
I long for days of horse-drawn carriages and isolated convents…days of simplicity and mental equilibrium…days when having red hair was the worst of our problems! This place, these walls, this computer screen has chained me to feelings of driving in a fast lane that I accidently merged into, sadly enough though, I don’t exactly feel like I’m in the driver’s seat anymore.
I want out. I want to break free of this crippling feeling of being held captive against my will…held hostage for all to judge and criticize for my lack of desire to work sixty hours a week. I feel like a pack of wolves is keeping watch while the blackberry gets forcefully glued to my hand. How do we end up like this? How do we find our way out?
I find it incredible how so many of us have spent our whole lives going to school in order to live a life pursuing careers. I, myself, never thought to do otherwise. At the age of ten we’re asked “what do you want to be when you grow up?”, only to find ourselves at the age of twenty, thirty or forty still asking the same question.
When I sit on the front steps of my new house, the world seems vast and full of possibility. I am reminded that I’ve travelled to the corners of the world and read history in the palm of my hands. When I sit here, in my office, I feel like my world is reduced to this time and this place…with no where else to go. Even more tragically is that I overlook a spectacular scene of creation and a miracle that should bring serenity at its very sight. But it doesn’t. It brings heart palpitations and a depletion of my hope.
Two summers ago looked much the same way. My beautiful view was blurred by tears and anxiety that perpetually seemed to have brought me to my knees asking for mercy. Time did bring clearer skies and a more optimistic forecast…but I spent forty minutes this afternoon at the foot of the Lord begging for Him not to make me endure that storm again.
One of my favourite writers once said that when days like this fall upon us, we are to try and find comfort in that which soothes our soul; a good book, a beloved pet, a warm bath, the embrace of a loved one, a good dose of chocolate…whatever it takes to makes the rumbling, dark clouds a little easier to bear. In the end…if all that fails…we’re to take two Tylenol, go to bed and give her a call in the morning!
The fact that I have the book, the pet, the bath (a rather large one!), the loved one (lots of them), the chocolate AND the Tylenol leaves me feeling a little selfish for being sad at all…but maybe the best remedy to sad days is just that…counting all the ways that could make it better. Fur balls and loving arms are indeed very hard to frown at.
But still, just for today…anyone got any Tylenol?!?!?
2 comments:
No Tylenol, no advice but a great big hug.
Love
Mom
XOXOXOXOXO
Thanks Mom!
Miss you!
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