until there is three...

I spent an evening last week with an old friend of mine whom I haven’t seen in awhile. As we indulged ourselves in some ice cream and much needed catching up, we crossed paths with an old colleague of hers taking a stroll with her young daughter. We chatted for a couple of minutes and just before parting ways, this woman said to my friend “when am I going to see you out here with a little one? You certainly seem to be late in the game!” As I stood there appalled at what I had just heard, my friend stood there crushed. While she smiled politely and gave the standard answer of “all in due time”, I could tell that she was devastated.

My friend and her husband got married about five years ago and for the last three years, they have been trying to start a family of their own. So far, to no avail. With no easy answer to their difficulties, they just keep trying. What started as a fun reason to “practice” quickly turned into charting and temperature taking and one month at a time anxiously waiting to see if they would have to endure it all over again. It hasn’t been easy for them and fertility issues aside, one of the biggest challenges has been tolerating people’s complete lack of consideration and sensitivity to a situation that frankly, is none of their business.

There seems to come a time in every couple’s life when all of the cosmic pieces seem to fall into place and you suddenly wake up one day realizing that everyone around you is expecting an announcement unveiling the expansion of your family. I know because Steve and I are currently in the thick of that storm. We’ve been married for three years, recently bought a house, went on a big trip and got a pet. In the lottery of life, it appears that we have four out of the five winning numbers which, to the outside world, seems to mean that having children is the next obvious step. And maybe it is (or even surely it is) but, as a couple, it would be nice to be able to make that decision without an entourage of people waiting with baited breath to spit the words out before we do. Don't get me wrong, I'm not saying that loved ones don't have the right to be joyful and optimistic about the prospect of children. In fact, even we have our own small little circle of trusted friends that have always shared in our intentions and with whom we are already grateful for their support, discretion and excitement towards our future, whatever and whenever it may come to be. I can say though, from experience, that there are times when the hopefulness, spontaneity and surprise of starting new life can get lost in the all-consuming desire to avoid the inevitable question...

This being said, for months now I haven’t been able to do so much as sneeze without people asking me if I’m pregnant. For the most part, we don’t validate these comments with a response but at other times, we have been forced to put some distance between ourselves and the inquiring minds because we simply don't want to continue to justify why we currently only have the pitter patter of little paws instead of little feet.

This brings me back to my friend, my beautiful friend who grins and bears it every time someone throws an interrogative remark her way. I'll be the first to say that surely no one's ever had the intention of hurting her feelings or indirectly reminding her of how hard they’ve been trying to make this happen. In fact, some may even have the best of intentions but, even then, you could still be opening the flood gates for someone that may already be struggling to keep their head above water. You just never know. Having children is not like buying a house or going on a trip. No amount of saving your money or planning your vacation can create a child and at the end of the day, it’s God’s timing and not yours.

I suppose my sadness and heart ache comes from the recognition that maybe someday that could be me. Again, you just never know. Maybe someday I could be sitting here three years from now desperately wanting to be a parent but instead only feeling the betrayal of a body that doesn’t seem to be working and the pressure of people anxiously waiting to share in yet another part of our life. Someday it could be me smiling politely at yet another acquaintance who has suddenly decided that my private struggle should be their public knowledge. I can't help but wonder what the reaction would have been if my friend had just answered truthfully. Somehow I think the discomfort alone might have caused her old colleague to think twice before taking it upon herself to decide who's "late in the game" ever again. But then, by sparing her the embarrassment and awkwardness, my dear friend was giving more compassion than what was being offered to her in return.

So, as I trudge through my own journey amidst the perfect storm, I pray that not only, when the time comes, will the creation of a family come a little bit easier to us, but I also pray that the friends and family that we already have will be a little bit easier on us as well.

I’m sure that creating the miracle of a child is hard enough all by itself…so at the very least we should be able to enjoy our ice cream in peace!