It was the worst of times and it was the best of times. That’s how the saying goes, doesn’t it?
I always wondered what exactly that meant and then finally, this past week, I did indeed experience the best of times and the worst of times. As far as experiences goes, it’s not something that I would recommend on a regular basis…the intensity of it alone is enough to put anyone on blood pressure medications in a hurry!
Allow me to elaborate a little bit though…
About two years ago, I changed. I know that we are all changing all the time but this was different. Something in my head changed…something about the way I looked at the world and my place in it changed. I began to realize that our relationships do not define us. I have so often reacted to situations out of fear that it has consistently blurred my vision and my ability to make choices that are in the best interest of my health and happiness. Fear of what, I’m still not quite sure. Fear of rejection, fear of being alone, fear of not having someone there to validate my existence. Two years ago though, I started to realize that if I lost every person that I was close to, whether it be by choice or not, I would still fundamentally be me. Granted, I would be a sad, broken hearted version of me, but still me nonetheless. My values wouldn’t change, my morals wouldn’t change, my ability to walk through this world wouldn’t change. One foot in front of the other, I would still go on. Of course, relationships alter the course of our lives and change the way we live it (usually for the better) but at the end of the day, they do not determine our worth.
This revelation was a rather significant turning point for me because in doing so, I no longer considered relationships as a means of survival but instead, one of the joys of living. It also enabled me to stop reacting out of fear and start making choices that I thought were in the best interest of those that I care about, myself included. Don’t get me wrong, fear still creeps into my pores from time to time and it’s a conscious choice on my part to move forward in spite of it, but now it is indeed just that…a choice.
I had to put my learning to the test this week though and believe me, it wasn’t easy. I wasn’t expecting it to be easy…I was prepared for that. What I wasn’t expecting though was how incredibly loved I would end up feeling. It was overwhelming. Just when I was forced to make difficult choices regarding people that I love and just as my heart was breaking, I was suddenly surrounded with so many people wanting to hold all of the pieces together for me. At the risk of sounding too emotional and sappy, the amount of support that I had -- the gentle words from an ocean away, the hugs from friends near and far, the chocolate cookies for breakfast – all of it nearly brought me to more tears than the pain did. And there is, of course, my husband…the most amazing man that I’ve ever known and the one who consistently gives back to me all the love that I’ve ever put out into the world…the one that holds me long into the night and tells me that everything will be okay.
And just as I told my beautiful, stunning friend yesterday afternoon as we stood on the sidewalk saying goodbye to each other; for the potentially the first time in my life…I believe it. Everything will, most definitely, be okay.
I always wondered what exactly that meant and then finally, this past week, I did indeed experience the best of times and the worst of times. As far as experiences goes, it’s not something that I would recommend on a regular basis…the intensity of it alone is enough to put anyone on blood pressure medications in a hurry!
Allow me to elaborate a little bit though…
About two years ago, I changed. I know that we are all changing all the time but this was different. Something in my head changed…something about the way I looked at the world and my place in it changed. I began to realize that our relationships do not define us. I have so often reacted to situations out of fear that it has consistently blurred my vision and my ability to make choices that are in the best interest of my health and happiness. Fear of what, I’m still not quite sure. Fear of rejection, fear of being alone, fear of not having someone there to validate my existence. Two years ago though, I started to realize that if I lost every person that I was close to, whether it be by choice or not, I would still fundamentally be me. Granted, I would be a sad, broken hearted version of me, but still me nonetheless. My values wouldn’t change, my morals wouldn’t change, my ability to walk through this world wouldn’t change. One foot in front of the other, I would still go on. Of course, relationships alter the course of our lives and change the way we live it (usually for the better) but at the end of the day, they do not determine our worth.
This revelation was a rather significant turning point for me because in doing so, I no longer considered relationships as a means of survival but instead, one of the joys of living. It also enabled me to stop reacting out of fear and start making choices that I thought were in the best interest of those that I care about, myself included. Don’t get me wrong, fear still creeps into my pores from time to time and it’s a conscious choice on my part to move forward in spite of it, but now it is indeed just that…a choice.
I had to put my learning to the test this week though and believe me, it wasn’t easy. I wasn’t expecting it to be easy…I was prepared for that. What I wasn’t expecting though was how incredibly loved I would end up feeling. It was overwhelming. Just when I was forced to make difficult choices regarding people that I love and just as my heart was breaking, I was suddenly surrounded with so many people wanting to hold all of the pieces together for me. At the risk of sounding too emotional and sappy, the amount of support that I had -- the gentle words from an ocean away, the hugs from friends near and far, the chocolate cookies for breakfast – all of it nearly brought me to more tears than the pain did. And there is, of course, my husband…the most amazing man that I’ve ever known and the one who consistently gives back to me all the love that I’ve ever put out into the world…the one that holds me long into the night and tells me that everything will be okay.
And just as I told my beautiful, stunning friend yesterday afternoon as we stood on the sidewalk saying goodbye to each other; for the potentially the first time in my life…I believe it. Everything will, most definitely, be okay.
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