A good friend of mine recently approached me with a problem that needed advice. As I sat down with her over coffee she uttered the three most agonizing words that a girl can possibly say; “I love him”. Agonizing, you ask? Yes…terribly! And the reason is because if any girlfriend comes to you with a problem that involves this statement, it means that there’s a reason she is telling you and not “him”. The most likely of all reasons is because the “him” being referred to probably isn’t aware that she loves him which in turn, leads us to one of nature’s cruelest of conditions…unreciprocated love.
Now, I’m not sure if all women get to experience this kind of torment during their lives but fortunately (or maybe unfortunately) for my friend, I am one of the lone women who have endured this cruelty. Lucky me!
I have loved three men in my life in a romantic capacity; One being my long time boyfriend during and after university, another being the man that I married and lastly, the mystery man of my life…the man that I silently loved from afar and admired from a distance. Looking back, I have a hard time differentiating between whether or not I loved him or I was IN love with him…two very different kinds of love. But regardless…it was all consuming love none the less and it was just as hard to let go of when the time came. What made it especially hard was that there were feelings to some degree on both ends (at least I think so) and he was a part of my world…just as I wanted him to be. He’d made my knees weak on more than one occasion and left a trail of hopefulness in his wake. And yet he never knew the depths of how I really felt.
One of my favourite songs is John Mayer’s ballad; Say…a lovely song about putting yourself out on a limb and speaking the unspeakable. I thought of this when my friend asked my advice because up until that moment, it never really occurred to me what would have happened had I actually taken John Mayer’s advice instead of my own. Of course, I don’t wish the past to be any different because I wouldn’t want the present to be any different but as my friend sat in anguish over what move to make next, I couldn’t help but think back to my own anguish and what the ripple effect may have been had I made a different decision.
The bottom line is this; I loved someone and I never told him. Actually, I never told anyone. Until this moment, right here...right now, I’ve never even uttered the words. The knowledge of loving someone who didn’t love me back was more than my poor soul could take at the time and worst of all, it took me ages to package that love away in a box so that I could make room for another love. While I’m fairly certain that having him return my affections in the way I had hoped for was not much of a probability at the time, I do wonder if releasing my own feelings would have helped me move on faster?
I wonder if I had had the courage to look him in the eyes and say “I love you”, would my heart still have stopped at the very thought of him even years later? If I had whispered “I love the way you look at me and I love the person that I know you can be”, would I suddenly have been freed of my agony instead of wanting to inhale countless pints of Ben and Jerry’s ice cream just to make sure that I kept my mouth shut?!?! Could those three words have made the pain easier?
I guess that’s the thing about wonderment…there is no real way of knowing and no way of making anything different…and that’s the price we pay for not acting when the opportunity presents itself. The experience as a whole though did leave me with some knowledge to pass on to my friend; that love for another person creates a caring that never really goes away. Even now, although our contact is rather limited, I do genuinely care for him and his happiness in a way that is different than other past men in my life. And I likely always will. Something about having given him a piece of my heart makes him important in a very unique way…whether he knows it or not. This is indeed something that my friend will have to come to accept because regardless of what she chooses to do, that love will override any hurt, fear or fallen pieces that come to be as a result of her decision.
So, what does a formerly agonized girl say to a currently agonized girl? Well, the very best that I could do was this; “go home, have a glass of wine, listen to John Mayer and call me in the morning. If that doesn’t work then we’ll call up our friends Ben, Jerry and Cherry Garcia!”
What can I say…when your heart hurts…no amount of rationale is going to make it better…you have no choice but to call in the big guns!!
“Have no fear for giving in…have no fear for giving over…you better know that in the end…it’s better to say too much than to never say what you need to say again.” ~ John Mayer
Now, I’m not sure if all women get to experience this kind of torment during their lives but fortunately (or maybe unfortunately) for my friend, I am one of the lone women who have endured this cruelty. Lucky me!
I have loved three men in my life in a romantic capacity; One being my long time boyfriend during and after university, another being the man that I married and lastly, the mystery man of my life…the man that I silently loved from afar and admired from a distance. Looking back, I have a hard time differentiating between whether or not I loved him or I was IN love with him…two very different kinds of love. But regardless…it was all consuming love none the less and it was just as hard to let go of when the time came. What made it especially hard was that there were feelings to some degree on both ends (at least I think so) and he was a part of my world…just as I wanted him to be. He’d made my knees weak on more than one occasion and left a trail of hopefulness in his wake. And yet he never knew the depths of how I really felt.
One of my favourite songs is John Mayer’s ballad; Say…a lovely song about putting yourself out on a limb and speaking the unspeakable. I thought of this when my friend asked my advice because up until that moment, it never really occurred to me what would have happened had I actually taken John Mayer’s advice instead of my own. Of course, I don’t wish the past to be any different because I wouldn’t want the present to be any different but as my friend sat in anguish over what move to make next, I couldn’t help but think back to my own anguish and what the ripple effect may have been had I made a different decision.
The bottom line is this; I loved someone and I never told him. Actually, I never told anyone. Until this moment, right here...right now, I’ve never even uttered the words. The knowledge of loving someone who didn’t love me back was more than my poor soul could take at the time and worst of all, it took me ages to package that love away in a box so that I could make room for another love. While I’m fairly certain that having him return my affections in the way I had hoped for was not much of a probability at the time, I do wonder if releasing my own feelings would have helped me move on faster?
I wonder if I had had the courage to look him in the eyes and say “I love you”, would my heart still have stopped at the very thought of him even years later? If I had whispered “I love the way you look at me and I love the person that I know you can be”, would I suddenly have been freed of my agony instead of wanting to inhale countless pints of Ben and Jerry’s ice cream just to make sure that I kept my mouth shut?!?! Could those three words have made the pain easier?
I guess that’s the thing about wonderment…there is no real way of knowing and no way of making anything different…and that’s the price we pay for not acting when the opportunity presents itself. The experience as a whole though did leave me with some knowledge to pass on to my friend; that love for another person creates a caring that never really goes away. Even now, although our contact is rather limited, I do genuinely care for him and his happiness in a way that is different than other past men in my life. And I likely always will. Something about having given him a piece of my heart makes him important in a very unique way…whether he knows it or not. This is indeed something that my friend will have to come to accept because regardless of what she chooses to do, that love will override any hurt, fear or fallen pieces that come to be as a result of her decision.
So, what does a formerly agonized girl say to a currently agonized girl? Well, the very best that I could do was this; “go home, have a glass of wine, listen to John Mayer and call me in the morning. If that doesn’t work then we’ll call up our friends Ben, Jerry and Cherry Garcia!”
What can I say…when your heart hurts…no amount of rationale is going to make it better…you have no choice but to call in the big guns!!
“Have no fear for giving in…have no fear for giving over…you better know that in the end…it’s better to say too much than to never say what you need to say again.” ~ John Mayer
4 comments:
Love your post.... I went through the same thing 7 yrs ago... Had I known you back then, I would have known that Ben & Jerry IS the solution!
The chocolate fudge chunk was dynamite for those days when he looked especially wonderful ;)
Dear lord - I keep loving John Mayer. Somehow his words always strike a chord with me, not to mention his ability to craft beautiful music. virtual hug to your girl who's suffering unrequited love. next round of ben & jerry's is on me ;)
now I'm craving ice cream ;)
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