Have you ever been given permission to be angry?
I know that this must sound like a very strange question but I’m genuinely curious to know. Anger was not something that was easily addressed in my family, at least not in a productive way. Anger often resulted in extreme defensiveness and hurt feelings. Most of all, anger usually resulted in unresolved issues years, and even decades later. I don’t judge or criticize my upbringing at all because anger is not an easy emotion to deal with nonetheless to teach others how to deal with, but I did grow up believing that anger should be avoided at all cost…or at the very least, the expression of anger should be avoided. I believed this because anger so often seemed to be associated with blame and I was always taught to be accountable for your own actions and to consider what contribution you may have made to any given situation. In an age where society is found less and less accountable for their actions, I feel that my parents (and those that assisted in raising me) were brilliant to enforce this in me at such a young age.
I bring this up though because I am starting to see anger quite differently as an adult. My husband and I seldom get very angry with each other but when we do, we give each other permission to be angry. Sometimes, that’s all we need; an hour or so to be curmudgeon and cranky before we move on to resolution. This has worked well for us and our anger rarely extends for very long. My marriage has enlightened me to the necessity of actually feeling and expressing our anger and how easily it can be overcome when it’s addressed constructively.
Right now, I am angry about something; something completely unrelated to my marriage or my work or even my day to day living for that matter. It’s something that has been a long time coming and something that I have been forced to avoid feeling angry about because I’ve managed to convince myself that I don’t have the right to be angry about it. I was reading a psychology book a little while ago and it was discussing how so often, in our desire to forgive and let go, we tend to bypass the process of feeling angry in order to bring closure to whatever conflict we are dealing with. As a result, we often find ourselves with very unresolved emotions that can often manifest itself in very self-destructive ways. This book also discussed the ever so sensitive issue of blame and the role that it plays in conflict. Apparently some believe that while everyone does have their part to play, in many instances, someone truly is to blame more than the other. In an ideal world, we could all share equal responsibility but in a realistic world, we have developed so many different coping mechanisms that this is rarely the case.
What happens though when your anger is directed towards the human equivalent of a brick wall…someone that won’t listen, won’t fight back and certainly won’t acknowledge or apologize? This is the dilemma that I find myself in; to finally express (or at least, put into words) my feelings and risk further anger due to the lack of responsiveness, or walk away…aware that it will most definitely remain unresolved, likely for all the days of our life?
As I have come to understand anger a bit better over the past few years, I have also come to realize, much to my own surprise, that I’m actually entitled to be angry. I have the right to have feelings as well and most of all, I deserve closure from it and the permission to move on just as much as anyone else does. There is one last thing though…one final piece to the emotional puzzle; when you finally discover that you have the right to be freed from the bondage of your anger, you also discover that the only person able to grant you that permission is you. And that, my dear friends, is all the freedom that you’ll ever need.
I know that this must sound like a very strange question but I’m genuinely curious to know. Anger was not something that was easily addressed in my family, at least not in a productive way. Anger often resulted in extreme defensiveness and hurt feelings. Most of all, anger usually resulted in unresolved issues years, and even decades later. I don’t judge or criticize my upbringing at all because anger is not an easy emotion to deal with nonetheless to teach others how to deal with, but I did grow up believing that anger should be avoided at all cost…or at the very least, the expression of anger should be avoided. I believed this because anger so often seemed to be associated with blame and I was always taught to be accountable for your own actions and to consider what contribution you may have made to any given situation. In an age where society is found less and less accountable for their actions, I feel that my parents (and those that assisted in raising me) were brilliant to enforce this in me at such a young age.
I bring this up though because I am starting to see anger quite differently as an adult. My husband and I seldom get very angry with each other but when we do, we give each other permission to be angry. Sometimes, that’s all we need; an hour or so to be curmudgeon and cranky before we move on to resolution. This has worked well for us and our anger rarely extends for very long. My marriage has enlightened me to the necessity of actually feeling and expressing our anger and how easily it can be overcome when it’s addressed constructively.
Right now, I am angry about something; something completely unrelated to my marriage or my work or even my day to day living for that matter. It’s something that has been a long time coming and something that I have been forced to avoid feeling angry about because I’ve managed to convince myself that I don’t have the right to be angry about it. I was reading a psychology book a little while ago and it was discussing how so often, in our desire to forgive and let go, we tend to bypass the process of feeling angry in order to bring closure to whatever conflict we are dealing with. As a result, we often find ourselves with very unresolved emotions that can often manifest itself in very self-destructive ways. This book also discussed the ever so sensitive issue of blame and the role that it plays in conflict. Apparently some believe that while everyone does have their part to play, in many instances, someone truly is to blame more than the other. In an ideal world, we could all share equal responsibility but in a realistic world, we have developed so many different coping mechanisms that this is rarely the case.
What happens though when your anger is directed towards the human equivalent of a brick wall…someone that won’t listen, won’t fight back and certainly won’t acknowledge or apologize? This is the dilemma that I find myself in; to finally express (or at least, put into words) my feelings and risk further anger due to the lack of responsiveness, or walk away…aware that it will most definitely remain unresolved, likely for all the days of our life?
As I have come to understand anger a bit better over the past few years, I have also come to realize, much to my own surprise, that I’m actually entitled to be angry. I have the right to have feelings as well and most of all, I deserve closure from it and the permission to move on just as much as anyone else does. There is one last thing though…one final piece to the emotional puzzle; when you finally discover that you have the right to be freed from the bondage of your anger, you also discover that the only person able to grant you that permission is you. And that, my dear friends, is all the freedom that you’ll ever need.
3 comments:
Lucky us,anger was one of those wonderful lil gifts we got when Eve sinned in the garden!
Yep - stupid Eve!
Ooo. Yup. That hurts.
I feel like I have some things hidden in the recesses of myself on this, having fought through some of this myself. I'll try and remember to carve out some 'thoughtful' time on Sat. I've bookmarked this so I *will* actually come back to it at some point...it just might take a day...or a few years. (A yes I do 'remember' things that long...sometimes...) :O)
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