When I was in grade school, I used to tell everyone that my birthday was on June 18th (when it’s actually on July 18th). I really disliked having my birthday in the summer because for starters, all of my friends were away at summer camp or on family vacations and secondly, because I was one of the only ones in my class that didn’t get a party or my birthday announced on the PA system on the morning of my big day. For a ten year old…it just seemed like the harshest of punishments.
There was another reason though too; I didn’t particularly like being the sign of Cancer. I love the zodiac signs and the mythical beliefs behind them. While I certainly don’t place much worth to daily horoscopes at all, I have found that throughout my life, zodiac signs have been strangely accurate in describing the type of personality that I am along with those that I love. Take what you like from it but, there are certain elements that simply aren’t transferable among individuals and there is no doubt whatsoever that I am, indeed, a Cancer the crab. I didn’t like this though and I still kind of don’t because I don’t like being the only zodiac signed to share the same name as an often times terminal illness. All in all, I wanted to be as far away from cancer, in every form, as I could be.
I have been unforgivably absent from my blog as of late because cancer has been on my mind a lot lately and it’s a surprisingly exhausting thing to think about. My husband and I are waiting to find out if I have breast cancer. Last Thursday was, by far, one of the worst days of my life, as what should have been a seemingly normal evening at home became a panic-stricken trip to the emergency room.
Last week, I found a lump on my left breast and with that, our world flipped up side down and in some ways…came crashing down. Mere minutes after being in the car on the way to the hospital, Steve had to pull over as I threw up on the side of the road. It was really the only thing that my body knew how to do at the time and I continued to throw up for ten consecutive hours after that. The next morning our doctor confirmed the abnormality and was immediately on the phone to find the earliest appointment for an ultrasound and begin the next steps of God knows what.
To be completely honest, I don’t want to be here writing about this. I don’t really feel like I’m ready to be “talking” about it like this and all the while, I’m not prepared to not talk about it either. From the instant I found out, I was determined not to be that story…that unique case of the thirty-year old wife dying of cancer. I wanted to come here after the fact and tell you all about it once it was over. But it’s not over and I don’t know how long it will be until it is and I don’t like waiting and wondering and pondering all by myself. I want this to be a tiny group of entries on this blog that I will look back at one day and think “geez…wasn’t that sucky at the time?!?!”. I say “at the time” because I very much want there to be a time that doesn’t include this; this anxiety; this waiting; this unwelcome visitor in my body.
Right now, we wait. We wait to get the results of the ultrasound; we wait to hear what the doctor is going to say to us from across the room; we wait to see if we are going to breath a sigh of relief or a stop breathing altogether; we wait to see where life is going to go from here. We wait.
We’re optimistic and aside from the obvious presence of something that indicates otherwise, we have every reason to be. We’re optimistic that this will be a slight glitch in our current journey from here to there and we’re optimistic that whatever the outcome is, it will be manageable. There are still moments though in which our minds wander to the darker places and we find our selves staring at the terror that first flashed before us when this whole thing came into being. I think that it’s human nature to consider the worst and for me, it’s nothing short of my worst nightmare.
There is one thing though that my zodiac description has always failed to mention…
Whatever this thing is that’s in my body…it just fucked with the wrong girl…
There was another reason though too; I didn’t particularly like being the sign of Cancer. I love the zodiac signs and the mythical beliefs behind them. While I certainly don’t place much worth to daily horoscopes at all, I have found that throughout my life, zodiac signs have been strangely accurate in describing the type of personality that I am along with those that I love. Take what you like from it but, there are certain elements that simply aren’t transferable among individuals and there is no doubt whatsoever that I am, indeed, a Cancer the crab. I didn’t like this though and I still kind of don’t because I don’t like being the only zodiac signed to share the same name as an often times terminal illness. All in all, I wanted to be as far away from cancer, in every form, as I could be.
I have been unforgivably absent from my blog as of late because cancer has been on my mind a lot lately and it’s a surprisingly exhausting thing to think about. My husband and I are waiting to find out if I have breast cancer. Last Thursday was, by far, one of the worst days of my life, as what should have been a seemingly normal evening at home became a panic-stricken trip to the emergency room.
Last week, I found a lump on my left breast and with that, our world flipped up side down and in some ways…came crashing down. Mere minutes after being in the car on the way to the hospital, Steve had to pull over as I threw up on the side of the road. It was really the only thing that my body knew how to do at the time and I continued to throw up for ten consecutive hours after that. The next morning our doctor confirmed the abnormality and was immediately on the phone to find the earliest appointment for an ultrasound and begin the next steps of God knows what.
To be completely honest, I don’t want to be here writing about this. I don’t really feel like I’m ready to be “talking” about it like this and all the while, I’m not prepared to not talk about it either. From the instant I found out, I was determined not to be that story…that unique case of the thirty-year old wife dying of cancer. I wanted to come here after the fact and tell you all about it once it was over. But it’s not over and I don’t know how long it will be until it is and I don’t like waiting and wondering and pondering all by myself. I want this to be a tiny group of entries on this blog that I will look back at one day and think “geez…wasn’t that sucky at the time?!?!”. I say “at the time” because I very much want there to be a time that doesn’t include this; this anxiety; this waiting; this unwelcome visitor in my body.
Right now, we wait. We wait to get the results of the ultrasound; we wait to hear what the doctor is going to say to us from across the room; we wait to see if we are going to breath a sigh of relief or a stop breathing altogether; we wait to see where life is going to go from here. We wait.
We’re optimistic and aside from the obvious presence of something that indicates otherwise, we have every reason to be. We’re optimistic that this will be a slight glitch in our current journey from here to there and we’re optimistic that whatever the outcome is, it will be manageable. There are still moments though in which our minds wander to the darker places and we find our selves staring at the terror that first flashed before us when this whole thing came into being. I think that it’s human nature to consider the worst and for me, it’s nothing short of my worst nightmare.
There is one thing though that my zodiac description has always failed to mention…
Whatever this thing is that’s in my body…it just fucked with the wrong girl…
2 comments:
I have the biggest goosebumps right now. I get them when I am nervous or worried.
I just want you to know that I am thinking of you, supporting you through the distance and praying for good news.
Information and Knowledge are the kernals of the steps of living. What is truly known at this time and this place. Yet we all, being what we are, human, we imagine all the variable insects, the "might bees", coulda bees and shoulda bees.
Yet what "is" is a small step by step relevation, taking the waiting, and information we seek a small piece at a time. It is hard waiting and keeping the swarming bees at bay. We stand with you in watch and waiting, and with care and concern, on guard saluting both Gen and Steve.
Love and Blessings Uncle Neil and his Crew whispering the words of Alexander Dumas, "all human wisdom is summed up in wait and hope."
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