life on paper...

Many, many years ago, a dear friend of mine gave me a journal for my birthday. I’ve had many journals in my life but none of them have ever “stuck”. They all sit in my night stand now with a page or two filled out. For some reason, something about them just didn’t feel right. This one was perfect though. It was brown with a leather cover, lined, gold-trimmed pages and the best part of all; my friend actually filled the first page for me knowing that that was always the hardest part for me! She filled it with beautiful words about our friendship, our lives, our memories and then ended it off with a little reminder that, if nothing else, I at least owed it to my future children to put my life on paper.

That was five years ago and now I only have four pages left.

I don’t know how many pages are in this journal but I have spent five years filling every page of it with my most intimate thoughts. I can honestly say that I never leave the house without it. I grab my journal long before I hunt down my keys or my wallet. It’s been with me through getting engaged, getting married, joining a new family, finding new friends, letting go of other friends, buying a house, seeing the world, leaving jobs, starting new ones, being afraid, being uplifted, praising God, yelling at God, and of course, becoming pregnant. Ironically enough though, all of this “record keeping” for my future children means that this journal won’t be the one to record the day that he ultimately comes into our life!

The dilemma that I find myself conflicted with is what to do with it now that it’s done?

I’m certainly not ready to have anyone read it and in all honesty, I may never be. But I’m also not ready to leave it sitting dormant somewhere only to get forgotten about. One of my colleagues said that she has a box at home that a friend entrusted to her for safe keeping. She said that she’s had it sitting in her bedroom closet for years so she can play guardian over it; protect it from the wrong hands and yet ensure that its memory never dies. She has no idea what’s in it, how long she’ll have it or why her cats seem to like it so much (!!) but all she knows is that when the time is right, whenever that may be, her friend will want it back. It’s really quite eloquent and romantic in its own way, and something that I will certainly give some thought to. Until then though, it will remain under my arm as my most important travel companion.

But speaking of journals and the number four…this is also my four hundredth post!

C.RA.ZY.

Thanks to everyone for their interest in a seemingly uninteresting life!