With Canada Day right around the corner, we have a hundred and forty years of rights and freedoms that need to be celebrated!!! And while most of us will be attending parties in honour of our amazing hockey teams, great beer and fantastic cottage country, there are some very significant things worth acknowledging on our big day!! When the anthem is being sung this weekend, we should be sure to recognize that we stand on some of the greatest soil in the world, where its citizens spend each day surrounded with prosperity and justice. For all the complaints that can be made towards our governments over the years, they still ensure that we live lives of freedom and opportunity simply unsurpassed by most parts of the world.

While I'm always very proud to be a Canadian and proud of those that brought us where we are...this Canada Day, I am raising my glass to our nation's greatest Canadian, Mr. Tommy Douglas because thanks to Michael Moore...I will never think of him the same way again!!!!

Last night, Steve and I went to an advanced screening of Michael Moore's new movie, Sicko, a documentary about the American Health Care System. We went into the theatre fully prepared for our fair share of "Moore propoganda" but, came out with a good laugh, a bit of a scare and a new appreciation for how good we have it in our country.

Moore takes a rather indepth, albeit "spun", look at the HMOs in the U.S. and compares it to various other nations around the world (namely, Canada, the U.K., France and Cuba...that's right...Cuba!!) and while I've seen most of Moore's films, this is by far, my favourite. I wouldn't be surprised if it doesn't get quite as warm a welcome in the States but, as a Canadian, I found it completely brilliant and I think that every Canadian should be obligated to see this movie in order to have a better understanding of our own system relative to others.

Of course, our universal health care isn't perfect but, it's a hell of a lot better than having to cough up the bill for the ambulance ride when you're in an accident and didn't get the trip "pre-approved" by your insurance company. And it's better than being denied cancer treatment because you're too young to have gotten cancer in the first place. I'd like to think that Tommy Douglas saw this coming when he brought medicare to the masses!!

Steve made a very valid point last night regarding Moore's newest film; he said that it was the most noblest of his projects to date and hence, it's a lot easier to like. Unlike the controversy over the war or gun control, this movie basically supports the idea that all lives are equal and all people should be entitled to the best possible care. Regardless of your feelings towards Michael Moore and his sideways approach to political issues, it's a very moving and inspirational quest.

The movie really brought about many questions regarding why our countries' systems are so different, and it created a great deal of discussion long after the tape stopped rolling. As an observer from one side of the fence, my first thought is that, in the U.S., health care is a business to make money, while in Canada (and many other countries), health care is a right that needs to be paid for. And while we all contribute to a system that we may not all need to the same extent, the bottom line is that we need to be there for each other and help each other...it's simply part of the human condition. This isn't a matter of having the nicest car or the biggest house, this is about the most basic of needs regarding health and well-being, something that shouldn't be determined by economic status.

When Tommy Douglas first introduced our country to a universal health care system, I wonder if he had any idea that he was laying the foundation for the values and beliefs that would set us apart from our neighbors?? It's quite a legacy to leave behind and if anyone out there is on the fence about this issue, I recommend that you see this film sometime before the next election. For those of you who are in favour of privatized health care, just watch the opening segment of the movie as a guy stitches up his own knee because he can't afford the doctor's visit, and let me know if you still think this is the way to go!!!

On November 28th, 2002, the Commission on the Future of Health Care in Canada, headed up by Roy Romanow, delivered its final report to Canadians with recommendations regarding sustaining publicly-funded health care for the needs of the 21st century. What I loved about this report was its acknowledgement of accountability. The report stated that while it's reasonable for Canadians to expect one of the best health care systems in the world, the health of our citizens is a joint responsibility and each person has to take some role for their own well-being. If you want the system to work...you've got to do your part!

I don't think that our health care system is bogged down due to lack of funding and resources (though it is certainly an on-going issue), the system is bogged down with people who take it for granted. The system is strained because of people who spend their whole lives smoking and then expect to get treated for lung cancer or people who refuse to exercise and eat properly, then expect to get care for heart disease and high blood pressure. Though I'm certainly not in favour of privatization, it does bring up a good question...if the possibility of getting lung cancer doesn't deter people from smoking...would knowing that you could potentially have to dish out $100,000 to pay for that treatment do the trick???

This is just one of the many mind-boggling things that came up from Moore's latest creation and you've got to hand it to him...for someone who's job is to spin things in their favour...he's got his work cut out for him!!

So this Sunday, as we celebrate our nation's greatness...I will propose a toast to you, Mr. Douglas, for having a vision that would ensure that life, all life, would be valued equally. And I will propose a toast to you too, Mr. Moore, for reminding me that when I make my toast, I should do it with red wine instead of beer because it has less calories and it's easier on the liver!!!

Picture This...

…It’s eight grade and you are at one of your last elementary school dances. The disco ball is turning, the lights are flashing and the DJ is playing something that you’ve heard on the radio a thousand times already (in my day, it would have been something by Heavy D or Criss Cross…remember them?) when suddenly, a slow song comes on. The gymnasium suddenly parts like the Red Sea, with all of the guys against one wall and all of the girls against the other. The teachers who are chaperoning the evening look about as uncomfortable as everyone else feels and somehow, you all know that you’re all thinking the very same thing…who’s going to make the first move…??? While everyone is standing there, time is slowly ticking away as you are contemplating whether or not you have the guts to ask that guy or girl (okay…never mind, any guy or girl) to dance. Slowly, one brave person begins to walk across the gymnasium into the adolescent equivalent of the Bermuda Triangle…and the song ends. The moment is over and then TLC suddenly comes on the speakers reminding you not to chase after waterfalls…stick to the rivers and the lakes that you’re used to!!!!!

This very situation that defines much of our teenager years is exactly what our guest Pastor, Rev. David Collins spoke of in this morning’s sermon. Now who ever said that church can’t be amusing?!?!

This scenario, like so many others, is a perfect example of what happens when we let the moment slip away. When we long for something but, neglect to take the opportunity because of fear or security or as Bono would so eloquently put it…"we’re stuck in a moment that we can’t get out of".

What happens when we stand there against the wall of the gymnasium, staring at that one single person that we so desperately want to approach?? Is it a fear of rejection?? Fear of what we know?? Or fear of what we don’t know?? I think that in many cases, our imagined reality (that the guy/girl of our elementary school dreams secretly has a crush on us and wants to ask us to run away to Mexico with them!!) is better than the potential truth of our current reality (that they may say no and immediately go running for the hills!!). Here’s the thing though, how often, when weighing these odds, do we stop to consider the difference between probability versus possibility?? Anything is possible…but the odds of the worse possible scenario happening are a lot less in our favour when we consider the probability of it happening!! All this to say that, okay, perhaps that guy/girl won’t suddenly be stuffing your desk with little Garfield Valentine cards but, odds are that they also aren’t suddenly going to transfer schools the following Monday just so they don’t have to look you in the eye ever again!! My guess is, whatever does happen…come grade nine, it won’t matter anyways because you’ll find yourself in a whole new adolescent abyss and four years of just trying to avoid embarrassment!! With that being said though, you will also never have to look back and wonder if those four years could have potentially been spent on the beaches of Mexico ordering virgin daiquiris with your elementary school flame!!

How many of these little things have happened to you?? A moment comes and provides the best, and possibly the only, opportunity and we spend so much time contemplating it and weighing its options…that before we know it…it’s gone. Now of course, in this morning’s sermon, we were discussing it in a divine capacity but religion aside, how many times have you failed to seize the day??

Seizing the moment, any moment, is guaranteed to do two things; first, it is guaranteed to throw you into the unknown. What’s interesting about this is that this is why most people don’t seize it…fear of the unknown. Secondly, it is guaranteed to change your life. What’s interesting about this is that this is why most people DO seize it; regardless of the outcome, your life will be altered in some manner…and more times than not, in a forward motion. Either way though, you will never be left wondering what could have been.

So, after having had the day to reflect upon this enlightenment, I noticed that there is one thing in particular that I have never seized…my passion for photography. Steve and I collect photographs, usually purchasing a new work to mark each new occasion in our relationship; moving in together, getting married, our honeymoon. I simply love photography and always have. Perhaps it’s my love of people watching or the fact that I’m highly intuitive when it comes to people’s emotions but whatever it is, I feel the need to capture it somehow. Oddly enough though, I’ve never taken up photography and I’ve hardly even owned a camera before!! And, much to my surprise, I can explain this (God bless psychology classes!!!); I have no idea whether or not I would make a good photographer but, my imagined reality that I’m an award winning photographer in hiding is better than the potentially true reality that I’m a terrible photographer altogether. Crazy…I know!!! But sometimes, we just want to believe something so badly that the possibility, whether its true or not, is easier than the probability.

So, what’s a girl to do when confronted with this dilemma?? Well, you have to allow your hand to let go of the wall and make the long journey to the other side of the gymnasium with everyone watching (yes, even the teachers!!) and you have to ask that cute boy from home room if he’ll dance with you because they are only going to play Boyz II Men once tonight and you better believe that you are going to be in love when they do!!! And you know what…even if he says no…you can still find joy in knowing that the moment you crossed over to the other side of the line, everyone else took a deep breath and did the same thing. And because everyone else was so busy worrying about their own sweaty palms, they didn’t even notice that you had to swallow your pride, walk away and touch up your cherry flavoured lip-gloss!!!

So that’s what I did…I let go of the wall, seized a giant online camera sale and bought a Nikon D40 (go big or go home, right?!?). It’s sleek, sophisticated and perfect for capturing our life on film!! I’m certainly not saying that National Geographic will soon be knocking at our door but, at the very least, we now have a digital witness to our lives; Something and someway to look back and smile at the moments gone by…the moments that we seized so we’d never be left wondering.

Go easy on me though…it was a long and scary walk across the dance floor!!

When I was in my second year of university, my Dad got lung cancer and had to have his lung removed. They basically had to cut him in half from the waist up and in turn, he has an enormous scar that runs from his back all the way around his chest and up to his throat. He's very self-conscious of this scar and has changed his life somewhat to ensure that it's not seen by the outside world. I am always telling my father to never be afraid of that mark on his body because that scar is evidence of a second chance and a battle that what was won. He should be proud of that scar and tell his story victoriously because it's like they say...our scars are proof that our past was real.

Meanwhile, I look at my legs and see all of the little scars that I got from being a reckless child who would constantly trip over my long legs. Or the scar on my thumb from doing my chores and cutting my hand on a broken glass while doing the dishes!!! My knees are like badges of honour that proved I survived childhood!! Sometimes they even make me smile because I am reminded that once upon a time, the scariest and hardest thing in life was having to rip the band-aid off!!! "One quick movement", I was always told. Why do people think that works!?!?!

Looking at my physical scars, I find myself wondering why our emotional scars don't work the same way...?? They too, are a part of our past and the experiences that we have overcome, yet they tend to leave a painful reminder as oppose to an innocent one. For some reason, there never appears to be a quick and easy way to rip off the band-aid of an emotional wound. Why is that?? While childhood seems to be a turbulent time of scraped knees and bumped heads, adulthood is full of broken hearts and wounded spirits. And it's true that a broken heart still beats just the same, it's discouraging at times to know that a colourful band-aid and an orange popsicle don't distract from the pain the same way it used to.

Last September, I decided to join my church's bible study group. We would meet once a week and discuss several topics but, more times than not, we just discussed life and the many challenges that we have confronted along the way. It was like therapy but, with better cookies!!! Being one of the younger people in our study group, I was always fascinated to hear some of the stories of hurt and forgiveness that came up because, I always thought that, with time, forgiveness would be an easier pill to swallow. I think with time, forgiveness does become easier to do but, with more experiences and emotional scars, you find yourself having to do that much more of it. The conclusion that I've drawn from my observations is that practice really does makes perfect.

My mother-in-law, Kathy, has been such a wonderful addition to my life. She has shown support and unconditional love beyond what I ever could have hoped for. She has taught me a great deal about family and sacrifice and most of all, the blessing of being a parent. It seems that regardless of how old we become, we will always be her children and she will always want to be there to help with those band-aids and scars. One of the most special things about Kathy though, is the spiritual guidance that she has provided me over the years. I'm still fairly new in my faith and I often struggle with certain elements of what it means to be Catholic and a Child of God. Being an incredible woman of faith, she has led me through various challenges that I've encountered along my faith-filled path.

Last Christmas, she gave Steve and I a beautiful new Bible to aid us in our studies. While the Bible can be very complex and overwhelming to read at times, it's been a worthwhile and fascinating investment of time. I hope to be able to read the entire Bible at some point in time during my life and I know that Kathy's encouragement and guidance is making it more and more a reality.

With that being said, I just finished the Book of Genesis last night. I'll admit that the Old Testament can be a bit rough around the edges but, there is something so beautiful about reading the first Book of the Bible and seeing that it's all about forgiveness and compassion. Even in the earliest days, forgiveness was one of humanity's greatest needs. Likewise, hurt and pain was part of the human condition and in turn, grace and compassion was what set us apart from the rest of God's creation.

All this to say that I found the timing of this to be uncanny!!! I've been confronted a lot lately with the need for compassion and forgiveness. I've also been struggling lately with letting go of certain relationships that have been important to my life. Those relationships though, have also left scars that don't seem to want to heal. No amount of band-aids seem to be doing the trick and like in the Book of Genesis...I feel that I can either fight with God out of frustration, or I can turn around and make my path through the desert to a more serene place. The choice may seem obvious but, if it were that easy, than everyone would make wiser decisions and those tales of forgiveness would be nothing more than a story.

There are people in this world that I love dearly and who have left me with very beautiful memories. Some have even changed my life in ways that they may never know. But, just like falling down on the playground and having scraped knees or having a tumour and conquering cancer...you can and should wear those scars with great pride but, you also don't need to deliberately put yourself in a position to need more stitches. There are far better places to be than the doctor's office and far easier ways to get yourself an orange popsicle!!

Is anyone there...???

So, on the off chance that there happens to be anyone out there who still reads our blog…we are back!! Maybe not with a vengeance…but, nonetheless, the world has stopped spinning long enough for us to get our feet back on the ground!! So, if you are out there…I apologize for our tardiness…you win some and you lose some!!

Last week, I got in trouble from someone because they were all upset that they were hearing about our life on “public domain” as oppose to in person. I had to laugh at this because given the pace of our life over the past four or five weeks, the reality is that if they hadn’t heard about life on our blog, then they wouldn’t have heard about it at all!!! For the short periods of breathing space that we had, posting something online was the very best that we could do. However, between that comment and the Ottawa Senators’ season coming to an end, I had an interesting realization last week…there are two kinds of people in this world; those that appreciate what they can get and those that insist on someone paying for their expectations not being met!!!!

Last Wednesday night, we, along with most other people (at least from the region) paced back and forth with baited breath to see if the Ottawa Senators would endure another game at the hands of the Anaheim Ducks. They did not. And while there was a shared disappointment felt across the capital, let’s face it, Anaheim could have scored on their own net twice as many times as we did, and still beat us!!!! It’s okay, they were just a better team and after crossing the continent ten times in two weeks, there is only so much that you can give. What they did give us was the best that they could and that’s all that we can ask for. The bottom line is that they still beat out twenty-eight other teams and gave us the best season we ever had. They did us VERY proud and if nothing else, this city was charged with an energy that will live long into the next season.

What was very interesting though, was to watch how people reacted to the finals over the next couple of the days. While most people were thrilled with the playoffs and the effort put forth, there was always someone suggesting that someone should get fired or traded for disappointing everyone and not bringing home the Cup. Some people went so far as to say that the team is just a huge let down because they “couldn’t get it done”…

These people have got a lot of nerve!!!!

But, I digress…when I first heard of “someone’s” disapproval regarding our lack of communication, I felt much the same way as I did for the Sens and their mass of critical fans…blind sighted with criticism when I was already giving all that I could!!!

The past month for Steve and I has gone a little something like this…

We started off with already being very busy due to work responsibilities. We are short of number of people in our office and it’s already a busy time for us without the added work. We unexpectedly bought a house!!! We love it, we can hardly wait but we also haven’t had the time to be excited about it because once we signed the dotted line, it was back to business as usual! We also bought ourselves a fancy new camera (this has been a long time coming) and again, no time to enjoy or play!! So far, we were 0 for 2 when it came to the new toys!!!

At work, we (as in, my colleagues and I) were busy closing up two exhibits and preparing to open four more, two at the beginning of the month and the two big summer shows at the end of the month. Meanwhile, I was not only preparing to pace for the Ottawa Race Weekend but, I was also training a group of people, preparing logistics for a water station being hosted by the Gallery for the Marathon and doing some promotional work with the Race. It was a blast but, a full-time blast!!!

We also had our fair share of drama thrown into the mix (you know, just to keep things interesting!!!). Just in case keeping afloat wasn’t enough work already!!!

We also found ourselves doing a lot of praying during the month of May as well. While our life was swirling around us in a frenzy, those in our life were also dealing with some challenges of their own. We prayed for Louise and her mother, for Kristy and her husband, for Jesper and his mother, as well as for Christina and her grandpa. It was tough to not be able to do more.

Once the Race Weekend came to an end, I had to almost immediately leave for Shawinigan to open our new exhibit, Carsten Holler. Oddly enough, I really enjoyed my time there. I had never visited the Shawinigan Space before and the break from the office was nice. When I returned, Steve and I then left for Montreal to celebrate his birthday and see the new Cirque du Soleil (AMAZING…I highly recommend it!!). All of this was followed by a crazy week of opening our summer exhibit, Renoir’s Landscape, last week (successfully though!!).

Yes, life has rocked for the past month or so, but the excitement and blessing of having so many commitments has taken us out of commission for a while! Unless you have been one of my runners whom I have shared most of my weeks with…unless you are one of the Smyths who have had to make the trek East to visit us…unless you are Christina, Sara or Joanne who raced with us…or unless you are Marie and Abby, who have helped me keep my sanity over the last month…then our ability to give our time or energy has been quite limited. If it weren’t for people like my amazing sister-in-law, Kelly, who has been sending me adorable emails and updates on the family…then it’s likely that people may have forgotten what we looked like!!!!

Now that we have lived to tell the story…this is where we stand (for anyone still listening in!!)…

- We bought a house…YEAH!!! More to come on that… (I am up to my ears in paint chips!!)
- We bought a new camera. Part of the realization that I can’t have my own photography exhibit without taking the pictures!! Will post some shortly!
- Race weekend was incredible…I may be the very best pace bunny that ever was!!!!
- I start training for the Montreal Marathon in a bit.
- Saw the movie “Knocked Up”…HILARIOUS!!
- There is a movie being filmed on our street!!! It’s funny watching the police trying to figure out if you can tow filming trucks!!! “Fear and loathing on Powell Avenue”…???…It’s got a nice ring to it!!
- Krista and my mother got cut from the blogroll!!! Sorry girls…it’s been six months since you last updated and it’s not nice to play with our emotions like that!!!
- Tim’s photo blog got added because, let’s face it…your pictures ROCK!!
- Facebook will be the death of me!!

So, what’s the point of all this venting…??? Well, just like hockey fans, we have spectators to our lives. Those spectators tend to either check in from time to time and enjoy what’s being offered or, they watch attentively for you to slip up and then want an explanation for why the game wasn’t played up to par!!

I am beginning to accept this characteristic in others. It doesn’t mean that I like it but, it was enlightening to see what expectations others have of you in times when there is nothing left to give. While some will congratulate you on coming this far, others will wash their hands of you and make you feel guilty for not going the extra mile.

This is what my thoughts are on this…

Either pick up a hockey stick and show ‘em how it’s done or quit complaining and be a gracious fan!!!

Step Back...Pace Bunny Coming Through...

Enough Said...

I am slowly going crazy ... one ... two ... three ... four ... five ... six ... SWITCH!!! Crazy going slowly am I ... six ... five ... four ... three ... two ... one ... SWITCH!!

It's been almost three years now since I left Parliament Hill and moved here to the Gallery. It's hard to believe how much has happened in that time and all of the directions that us Hill staff have since taken. Political life was hard for me. It can be terribly ruthless at times and I was seldom accustomed to the cut throat environment of people trying to make it to the top.

For the things that I was happy to leave behind, the one thing that I still miss to this day, is many of the people that I came to know. Some of my closest friends were people that I met on the Hill and though we are still friends, I miss seeing them on a day to day basis. Matty, Sarah, Keir, Natalia...all these people made life in the snake pit much more bearable. And I miss them.

One of the greatest blessings from working on the Hill though was another girl I met named Kristy. Looking back, she had such an impact on my life because she came along at time when I needed her most. Kristy was one of the most thoughtful people that I had ever met in my life. She was constantly thinking of others and had such a strong desire to make the world a better place. She came to work in our office for just a couple of days a week and eventually, Kristy and I spent close to five days a week together!! She was such a fun girl and I just adored her spirit.

The morning after I got engaged, I rushed over to Parliament Hill to tell Kristy. We celebrated over Starbucks and I asked her if she would be in my wedding party. She happily agreed and for a number of different reasons, it didn't end up happening. The summer before my wedding was the last time that I saw Kristy. There is a letter that she gave me for my birthday a number of years ago that I still carry around with me to this day, as a reminder of what a blessing she was to my life.

Even though Kristy and I didn't keep in touch, it was fun to hear about her life through other friends. I was thrilled when I heard that she was getting married to her long time boyfriend, Mike. Steve and I had spent quite a bit of time with the two of them and it was always very apparent that their relationship would last a lifetime. For all the goodness that Kristy brought to this world, she deserved nothing more than to live out her fairytale.

On April 23rd, Mike was driving from Ottawa to North Bay when he collided with a moose. He is in critical condition at a Sudbury hopsital with a skull fracture, multiple cuts and bruises, and numerous torn ligaments. He is currently in a medically induced coma and a shunt has been inserted to drain the fluid from his brain.

As a wife, the thought of receiving such a phone call makes me physically sick to my stomach. As someone who knew both Kristy and Mike, the thought of them enduring this makes my heart break.

Please pray for Mike and that the hand of God will heal him and bring him to a quick recovery. Please pray for Kristy and that she will feel the presence of God while she has to endure this. While I know that they are both strong enough to get through this, I wish more than anything that they didn't have to.

Lord, hear our prayers.

And the Winner Is...

MoneySense Magazine just recently released its rankings of the best places in Canada to live. With statistics from weather, to crime rate, economic prosperity and attractions, they roamed communities far and wide for the most ideal city in which to live.

And the trophy goes to.....OTTAWA!!!

Check out the article here, it's very interesting!

And kudos to Leamington for making the top three places with the best weather (who knew?!?!)!!!

Looks like Ottawa rocks for more than just their hockey team!!

Once Upon a Time...

Being an only child, I feel like I have a unique perspective of sibling relationships given that I've only ever seen them from the outside looking in. I can't say that I ever wished I had siblings because life is really about what you know and experience on a day to day basis. Though many people feel that the grass is always greener on the other side, I experienced a wonderful childhood as an only child, filled with beautiful friends and a close knit family. I can't say that the sibling relationships that did exist amongst our family were the healthiest ones I've witnessed and over time, made me very thankful that I wasn't forced to be raised in such a competitive environment. Somehow, it always seemed as though siblings felt this obligation to be best friends and when they discovered fundamental differences between them, it resulted in anger and disconnect. I remember a lot of ugly fights in our family at the hands of siblings.

As I got older and moved away to university, I had the priviledge of living with other students that gave me a glimpse into what it was like to experience siblings. Of course, having roomates for eight months at a time doesn't compare to a lifetime spent with someone that shares your DNA but, for someone that was an only child her whole life...it was a very significant opportunity to experience something beyond of my realm of understanding up until then.

In my second year of university, I lived in a busy house full of guys and another girl. It was a bit chaotic and the drama was often a shock to the system but, nonetheless, I think it's safe to say that we all walked away with some memorable stories to tell. It wasn't until my last year of university that I lived in a home with three other girls. All of us living away from home and all of us new to the situation we currently found ourselves in. The bond was almost immediate. For a week straight, we looked through each other's pictures, told stories about life before "this place" and our desire to be friends was overwhelming at times. I think that we needed each other. We needed to look out for someone and have someone look out for us. We needed understanding and support in the stages of life we were all experiencing. For the eight months that followed, we had some hysterical times, some yelling matches and times with tears so heavy it nearly brought you to your knees. At the end of the day though, I always longed for that connection with them because there was something we could offer each other that couldn't be found in a boyfriend or parent.

When the end of our time rolled around, the departure cut deep. We were all going in very seperate directions and the truth was, that our lives extended far beyond our four bedroom house. It was as though we had been kept in this little bubble that seperated us from everything else and suddenly, it was time to go home...back to high school friends...back to the initial paths that we were taking...back to recovering...back to finding our way...and unfortunately, none of that seemed to include each other.

I remember going to visit my mom in B.C. for a couple of weeks after my final exams. During that time, the girls were all moving back home for the summer and since I was staying in the city, I agreed to stay until the end of our lease to ensure that everything was finalized with our landlord before moving on myself. My flight arrived back in Ottawa very late on a Monday evening and it was a warm, summer night when I walked into our empty home. The girls were gone...the lights were all off...all of their stuff was gone and there was a goodbye note taped to my bedroom door. It was likely the loneliest that I've ever felt. Even though we had said our goodbyes before I left, it wasn't real until that night. Somehow I thought I was going to come home and they would still be there. They would either be cooking dinner together or watching tv while talking about the latest dates they had just been on. I haven't really seen any of them since.

My heart was so broken by that seperation that I spent a great deal of time distancing myself from relationships of that nature again. I had accepted and believed that, as an only child, I would continue to walk through this life as such and that long term connections like that were reserved for those bound together by life.

In 2003, I met my husband. He comes from a large family with three siblings of his own and an extended family that easily makes Thanksgiving a circus!!! A couple of weeks after we started dating, his first niece, Priya, was born. The two of us drove down to Kingston to see her and utilized the opportunity for me to meet some of his family. That's when I met my beautiful sister-in-law, Monica; on a warm June day when the tulips were in full bloom and her world had just changed forever with the birth of her daughter. I bet she didn't know this at the time, but much of my world changed then too.

Monica and I got along from the very beginning but, then again, Monica is magnetic that way. There is nothing that you couldn't adore about her. Given our proximity to each other, we ended up seeing a lot of each other in the months that followed. A little over a year later, when Steve and I got engaged, I knew right away that I wanted Monica to stand with me during our wedding...and she did. More so, she carried me through much of the challenges I struggled with as a bride-to-be. During the first week after being engaged, she called the house only to find me in tears due to all the sudden decisions that needed to be made. Shortly there after, she drove to Ottawa and saved the day...just like she always does. It's as though she protected me from all the rages that threw their daggers at us.


The wedding came and went, and with it, I felt a bit of sadness. While I was relieved that all the planning was complete and that our day was as perfect as we could have hoped for...something seemed to be missing. Monica was missing. For a year, I had this wonderful and brilliant woman all to myself...and in much the same way that our lease had finished...the wedding was done and I now had to give her back. I felt the ache inside of me start all over again. And to be honest, I don't know that that ache has ever really gone away.

Monica is this wonderful human being that means well in everything she does. She is beautiful and brilliant and kind. She has strong relationships with everyone in her life. She has phenomenal children who are a product of her amazing abilities as a mother. She is successful at everything she does and she is loved by everyone she knows. And herein lies the source of my heart ache...with the whole world in front of her and the incredibly inspiring life that she already lives...will she have enough room in it for me??

Have you ever wanted to "belong" so badly that something inside of you physically hurts?? Of course you have...we all have. I think that as humans, we all crave the approval and acceptance of those that we admire...some more than others. Monica is that for me. I know...this all sounds very selfish and childish, and maybe it is but, if you knew her...you would understand!! To be in her presence is to truly want the priviledge of being in her life.

Monica is moving to Australia at the end of this year. She will only be there for a year but, even then, I have very mixed emotions about it. While I'm excited for her and her family as it will be the adventure of a lifetime, I'm afraid that she is going to forget about me and that the ocean between us will fade me out of her life. I was discussing my anxiety with a friend of mine a little while ago and she looked at me sympathetically and said " Gen, don't worry...that's what little sisters do".

Little sisters?? Really?? Is that what I am?? Well, no wonder I'm struggling with my feelings...I've never been a little sister before and it never really occured to me that I was now!!

After having some time to reflect on the concept a little bit, things started to make a bit more sense and the pieces of my confusion started to fall into place; Monica is my "big sister" and with that comes a whole range of emotions that are foreign to me as an only child. As my big sister, I look up to her and I admire her. As my big sister, I want her to be proud of me and to miss me. As my big sister, I want her approval and her advice. As my big sister, I don't want her to leave me in this big, bad world by myself. And because she is my big sister...I want, more than anything, to be a good little sister!!!

It's Monica's birthday tomorrow and I don't think I've ever told her any of this. My big sister is a year older and for her birthday, she deserves nothing less than knowing how wonderful she is and how much I adore her. And while I work through the emotions that come with "idolizing my big sister"...there is no one that I would rather do that for. By the graces of God, I was blessed with an understanding of what it means to have that in ones life. And though I didn't grow up sharing a room with Monica, I am still "growing up" with Monica. And when I do grow up...I hope to be just like her!!

Happy Birthday Monica!!

I love you!

Gen

Spreading the Word...

Someone asked me once "is it a small world or do we just move in small circles"??

I think the answer is that with all this technology...our small world is becoming a very small circle!!!

Anyways, for a glimpse into my small world...go visit Russell in New Brunswick...he just did a very thoughtful little post about our blog and frankly, I just want to brag about how awesome my friends are!!

By the way, don't get all seduced by his sexy graphics and pretty pictures...you won't find any of that here!!!

One Hundred and Counting...

It's just creeping up on 9am...the sun is bright...the office is quiet and guess what...??? This is my 100th post on our blog!! I had to see it to believe it but, it's true...this is the 100th page in the life of Gen and Steve (or rather, mostly Gen and sometimes Steve!!!).

I started this blog on Thursday, February 16th, 2006 on a really cold and dreary day. I was home sick with a cold and was reading Dan and Shannen's website with admiration when I decided to try and test my skills at cyberspace myself!! Ever since getting married, Steve and I were feeling a bit overwhelmed at trying to keep in touch with everyone in our lives. With our time now split between two families, it was more of a challenge to be everywhere at once. I've learned the hard way that sometimes the distance between families can be very hard to manage at times and the extra effort put into keeping in touch goes a long way.

So, with my neo-citron in one hand and kleenex in the other, I spent the afternoon trying to put together a blog site for the first time in the hopes that it could bring us that much closer to those that we love on a day to day basis. Even if no one ever read our blog...feeling like we were connecting somehow made the distance between everyone seem smaller.

100 posts later, I'm happy to say that our "readership" has increased slightly (everyone...say hello to Russell in New Brunswick!!) and I think it's safe to say that we have our regulars!! It's those regulars that I'm very grateful for because sometimes, I feel very alone in my blogging world...as though it's just me and cyberspace with no one in between. Every now and then though, I'll get an email reminding me that it's been "too long" since I've updated the blog and I am renewed with a sense that maybe it's not all for nothing!!!

Mind you, it's never for nothing because on a personal level, it's very therapeutic for me to post here. While I often daydream of writing a book one day...for now...these are the first chapters. Even on days when my book is in the far off corners of my mind...sometimes it's cathartic to express the moments of my life that go from serenity to insanity in the blink of an eye!!

Aside from that though, there is also the unexpected...the surprises that come from the things you didn't plan. I've been surprised at times by the connections that have been made and the long lost relationships that have been able to resurface because, sometimes, the written word is all that is necessary to bring breath back into a friendship in need of air. So often, we can write what we could never say. I'm grateful that we can bring a piece of home to Heather while she is away and on her own for a little while longer. I'm grateful that Ginger and Michael can know that though we've never met, we are still family in the distance. I'm so grateful for Lesley in Kingston who has brought life, laughter, support and wisdom to my world in times when I thought there was little left. I'm grateful for Kelly and her faithfulness to our blog. I'm grateful that I can know what Nadia's really doing on the weekends!!! I'm grateful that I have the chance to get to know Russell better now than I did when we spent time together many years ago. I'm grateful that I can be with my runners via my running blog in times when we can't run together...because ultimately, we are all still getting there together. I'm grateful that Marie holds me responsible for my blogging responsibility!! I'm grateful that I could have a glimpse into Heidi's inspiring life even though we don't share a kitchen anymore. I'm grateful that even though I miss seeing Anne's face every day, she can still "visit" me every week. I'm grateful that I can share myself through the beauty of technology in a time when technology has become the death of us. And I'm surprised at how many people have found our blogsite by googling Ron Mueck!!!! Clearly more people are interested in him than they are in us...understandably so!!

Looking back (and for those of you who are just recently joining us), these posts have been some of my own personal favourites:

February 17th, 2006 - What's Yours??
February 22nd, 2006 - The Ultimate Escape
May 5th, 2006 - The Vice or The Versa??
June 25th, 2006 - Pathways to Peace
August 2nd, 2007 - The Kite Runner
August 29th, 2006 - Who's Life Will You Change??
September 13th, 2006 - Tragedy Strikes Again
October 1st, 2006 - Who's On First??
November 4th, 2006 - The Nearest Book
January 29th, 2007 - Living on the Edge
February 8th, 2007 - Own the Bunny

The quote of my Starbucks cup this morning says "I believe with all my heart in the power of art to saves lives". With that being said...I believe with all my heart in the power of the written word to bring people together and mend broken hearts.

Thanks to everyone for sharing in our life.

- Gen

Want a Cheap Trip to Paris...??

Go to google maps (http://maps.google.ca).

Click on get directions.

Put in New York, NY as your start address and Paris, France as your end address.

Scroll down to #24 in the list of directions.

And be sure to note the "estimated time of travel"...it cracks me up!!!!

Auntie Gen misses baby Rohan!!!

The Bigger Picture...

Every day, when I walk to and from work, I pass a homeless man that sleeps outside the Chapters at Rideau and Sussex. He's been sleeping there ever since the weather warmed up and he calls himself Crazy Dave, the homeless poet!! He writes poetry on scrap pieces of cardboard and "sells" them for change. He chooses to live on the streets because he feels that shelters are too unsafe and anything that he manages to possess just gets stolen right from under him.

A journalist took a photograph of him once and gave Dave a copy of the print. I bought it off of Dave and it is now framed in our bedroom. He looks so worn and as though he has seen so much in his life. What I love about the photo though is that it shows so eloquantly just how much spirit Dave has. He's not bitter or angry or rude. He's full of life and optimism about his circumstances. I seldom ever give Dave money, but I will often bring him food or have a coffee with him and chat a bit...he's got a lot of stories to share.

About a month ago, I was at Chapters buying a book when I saw Dave in line in front of me. He was buying a sale copy of the The Jungle Book with the money that he had collected!! I asked him about it and he just smiled at me and said that he was excited because he had never read it before! I sort of chuckled because I have never read it either!! I've been bringing him books ever since.

I was so moved by this moment because so often, we tend to judge those that live on the street...being quick to assume that they missed the boat and ended up there due to addiction or an error in judgement on their part. Dave may call himself Crazy but, he's anything but crazy. He is a reminder that the world needs more compassion and there is hope in all situations. People need our generosity, our kindness, our simple acts of giving eye contact and saying "good morning".

I am not always in a position to give monetarily to Dave but, I always express my respect and gratitude to him because he has more spirit and hope within him than most other people I know...people with beds to sleep in, jobs to go to and homes to call our own. It's frightening at times to realize how much we take for granted, especially as consumers of the Western World.

If you ever need a sense of perspective and gratitude, feel free to visit Dave...have a chat with him, ask him about his favourite book...and remember that it's only when we have nothing that we realize we truly have all we'll ever need.

"Truth or consequence...say it aloud...use that evidence...race it around...There goes my hero...watch him as he goes...there goes my hero...he's ordinary..." - Foo Fighters

photo by Sarolta Gyoker (designsoul)

What Would You Do...

...if you only had one day left to live??

I know...it's a pretty intense question but, really...if you knew just how limited your time was...what would you do?? Or what would you have done differently??

One of my training partners and friend, Jesper, sent me this great website called The Buried Life, about a group of four friends who made a list of 100 things to do before they die. They got themselves an RV and travelled cross country in hopes of checking off as many of their items as possible. While doing so though, they also asked other people what they would like to do before their time was up and ultimately, made a documentary about what would essentially be people's last wish.

Some of my personal favourites from their list are...
- to smash a computer
- take a stranger out to dinner
- lead a parade
- go into space
- kiss Rachel McAdams

In 2001, I made my own list of 100 things to do before I die, and I'm proud to say that I've been plucking away at it fairly consistently ever since, gradually checking off one or two things a year. Last year I learned how to drive standard...this year I am pacing the National Capital Race Weekend...next year we are off to Australia for a month...the list is really going faster than I thought it would!! And it's equally growing faster than I thought it would too!

However, if I knew that today was my last day...putting aside the obvious of wanting to spend it saying "I love you"...I would want to take more pictures. I know that must sound weird but, I haven't taken enough pictures in my life. I haven't recorded all the people and places that have shaped who I am as a person. Especially these days, when digital cameras make it so easy to capture your life, there is very little excuse for not doing so.

I love photos and I love being surrounded with them. I love going through old baby pictures and remembering how much life changes. I am grateful to family and friends for having taken so many pictures for me throughout the years but, I wish that I had taken more myself.

My favourite photographer, Yousuf Karsh, once said that "there is a brief moment when all there is in a man's mind and soul and spirit is reflected through his eyes, his hands, his attitude. This is the moment to record."

That statement is why, if I had one single day left to live...I would spend it being camera happy!!

What would you do??

Almost Famous...

Well...when I say almost famous...I mean a split second of fame really!!

The final version of the commercial has been aired and is now posted on the Ottawa Hospital Foundation website as well as youtube.

I can't believe that it took nearly twenty hours of filming for a thirty second commercial!!! None the less...I'm in it briefly.

I appear near the end of the shoot...there is a scene in which we are all running down a hallway (away from the cameras) past a poster for the race. I'm in scrubs and wearing bib number 3371!! Look for the ponytail!!!

Though my appearance in the commercial is brief, I am in the final shot that made up the Ottawa Hospital Foundation poster!! Look for me, front and center, pushing a wheelchair across the finish line!!

Who knew I would be a doctor one day?!?!

Check out the commercial here! (bottom right hand corner: "view our tv ad")

Sleepless in Ottawa...

So, I've been having a hard time sleeping lately. And it's only at night. I could sleep the day away given the opportunity but, once the sun goes down, I'm ambushed with a new sense of vitality that doesn't leave until my alarm clock goes off! I've always been more of a night hawk than a morning person and up until I started a nine to five job, I would often be up until two or three in the morning (most of my best school work got done in the wee hours of the night). Lately though, my sleep has been taken away from me for different reasons...mostly because I have been finding that my mind doesn't want to stop going a mile a minute. It's been grappling a lot lately with the roads and directions in which our lives take us. It seems as though we get into these routines and forget that things really can change at a moment's notice.

I've never really been one to second guess my choices and even now, that's not really what I'm doing. My life is wonderful and everyday I am grateful for everything that God has blessed me with. I have the very best husband that I could have ever hoped for, we have phenomenal friends and family, a wonderful home and challenging jobs to go to everyday. We have our health, we have joy, we have love, we have laughter and inspiration. Everyday we have more and more things to be thankful for. Right now though, I am trying to decide what the next path is to take.

It's an interesting time in our lives right now and we are in a position to make numerous different choices. Each one is exciting and just being at this point fills me with a wonderful sense of possibility. Steve and I have been very careful regarding the decisions that we've made and the priorities that we've followed through with in the past few years, and in turn, they are really starting to pay off. The patience and long term vision that we have had is proving to have been a worthwhile investment. The world really is our oyster right now and honestly, it's one of the first times in which I've felt so at liberty to be and go wherever the spirits take us. It's an incredible feeling!!

I've learned a lot about myself in the past year and for various reasons, I've discovered that many parts of my life and the decisions that have been made occured more due to other people's expectations as oppose to any authentic desire to do so. It's a harsh and sucky reality but, I'd rather discover that now than thirty years from now. In light of this, I'm really finding a new side of myself that I haven't appreciated as much in the past. I'm following new interests, pursuing forgotten dreams and surrounding myself with different people. It's new...it's exciting...and it's also very scary.

It's that scary side of this new venture that is keeping me up at night...weighing my options and visualizing all the different possible journeys to be taken. Don't get me wrong...knowing that I could write a book...dig up a dinosaur...or become a kindergarden teacher is thrilling. But when you've spent your entire life taking one path, the realization that you have so many options becomes a bit intimidating!!!

One of my biggest weaknesses is worrying. I always worry. I was a very worried little girl growing up and even now, worry and anxiety often get the better of me. Since renewing my faith four years ago, I've been much better but, constantly trying to pave a smooth road has somehow been ingrained in my blood. I think that much of the time, worry can drive us into action but, other times, worry just sucks the joy out of life and the adventure out of the unknown. It's not a side of myself that I like and I work at it constantly.

This past weekend though, I was especially nervous and fearful. Things at work were going a little rough and the pressure was getting to me. It made looking ahead at different options that much more important. For some reason though, nothing brought comfort and even that became distressing in and of itself. On Sunday afternoon, I went to Starbucks to read a bit. The place, as usual, was packed and there wasn't any tables available. I asked two gentleman sitting at a large table if I could share with them until another spot became available. Shortly there after, we starting conversing about various things and before I knew it, two hours had past and I never even noticed. Part way through our conversation, the topic of religion came up and one of the gentleman told me his profound story that lead him to believe in the peacefulness of death;

Apparently, in 1986, this gentleman was gunned down in an intersection here in Ottawa by someone that he didn't know. He was left to die and spent four days in a coma and the next two years learning how to walk again after being paralyzed. In those four days, he flatlined seven times and was clinically dead once. In that moment, he said that he didn't see a light or have an out of body experience but, he did say that it was the most peaceful thing that he's ever experienced. He said that because of that experience, he is no longer afraid of anything. Granted, for a long time after the shooting, if he would hear a loud noise, he would instantly begin shaking and he would experience the shooting all over again. However, one day, he remembered that peacefullness and decided that he would no longer be afraid of anything ever again.

I found his story fascinating and asked him if he looked back gratefully for that experience. He said no!! I have to admit that I was surprised. I asked him how he could not be thankful for such a thing when it has enabled him to live the rest of his life without any fear...something that many of us struggle with on a daily basis?? He responded quite simply by saying that anyone could choose not to be afraid. He said that it wasn't getting shot that made him not afraid...it was making the decision that made the change. He believed that at any point in time we can choose to live our lives that way and that we don't need to be left for dead or learn how to walk all over again in order for this happen.

I was stunned. I've never heard something so true in my life.

Shortly there after, we all decided that our time was up and we went our seperate ways. I never caught either of their names and it's likely that I'll never see them again but, that story has lingered with me.

I'm sure some people would say that it's meaningless and others would call it a coincidence or a bias perspective of the conversation.

I call it a reminder that God is always listening...and I'm suddenly feeling adventurous!!

- Gen

Name of the Year

I religiously read articles by Bill Simmons (aka The Sports Guy) on EPSN.com’s Page 2. I’ll admit that he was funnier in his earlier, less popular years. Maybe making the big bucks, moving from Boston to L.A., and being one of the most read sports journalists on the internet has gone to his head. I would consider him the internet sports equivalent to Oprah. He has such a huge readership that he influences millions of people each day and I think he knows it.

Be that as it may, I was reading one of his articles today and he had a link to a NCAA tournament style bracket for Name of the Year (NOTY). Check out the website here. It’s quite hysterical what some people deem appropriate names for their children.

The names are supposedly all “real”, although looking through the archives I noticed that some past winners of the NOTY were disqualified because the names were later “invalidated”. I’m not sure how they find all of the names, but it appears that they scour the internet, newspapers, magazines, etc. looking for people with “unusual” names.

For example, Intelligent Infinite Botts lives in Albany, NY, and at the ripe old age of 14 went back to jail for the second time for assaulting a 12-year old. In 2005, he stabbed a fellow student and was in jail for a year.

This makes me wonder – at what age do you think Intelligent became intelligent enough to realize that his parents were swimming at the shallow end of the gene pool and that the future wasn’t that bright for him? I’m guessing he figured it out in his early teens and threw in the towel after that.

Or how about Destinee Hooker? She plays volleyball and competes in track and field at the University of Texas. I think it’s safe to say that she has vastly exceeded her parent’s expectations for her life, unless of course she has been using “alternative” methods to fund her education.

There is also Phyre Burns Quickly. Do you think her (I’m assuming it’s a girl) parents are hoping that she will learn something from her name at a young age? Or perhaps this was something that they came to realize and in order to never ever forget this important fact they decided to immortalize it in their next child’s name?

Looking at the brackets, Anita Fiel is clearly a darkhorse as she got a raw deal as the 14th seed in the Sithole regional. Her name is simple, yet brilliant. I wonder if she knows Gertrude Nipple.

It is hard to argue with the four number 1 seeds in each regional – the previously discussed Mr. Botts, Yourhighness Morgan, Vanilla Dong, and Mario Hilario. I think that Mario Hilario and Vanilla Dong are clearly the favourites and may end up meeting in the finals, in which case, I would give the edge to Mario.

Some of my other favourites are D. Zeke Ezekowitz, Kyle Sackrider, Doris Morris, and Sasha Junk.

Who do you think will win the 2007 NOTY?

- Steve

February Song...

Where has that old friend gone

Lost in a February song

Tell him it won't be long

Til he opens his eyes

Where is that simple day
Before colors broke into shades

And how did I ever fade
Into this life

I never want to let you down
Forgive me if I slip away

When all that I've known is lost and found
I promise you I'll come back to you one day

Morning is waking up
And sometimes it's more than just enough

When all that you need to love
Is in front of your eyes

And I never want to let you down
Forgive me if I slip away

Sometimes it's hard to find my ground

Cause I keep on falling as I try to get away

From this crazy world

I heard this song for the first time at the Josh Groban concert last week and it nearly brought me to tears. Granted, I tend to have very strong emotional reactions to music (especially live music) but, I think that this is one of the most beautiful songs that I've ever heard. It's so sad and so romantic all at the same time.

When I listen to it, I picture this song being a letter from a father to his daughter on her wedding day as the new couple are dancing to their first song. Her dress is long and flowing, as is her hair and they are dancing under the stars on a warm summer night. Josh is at a grand piano singing (perhaps a wedding gift from the family!) and suddenly, all is right with the world. I picture paper lanterns hanging from trees and tiny little lights strung over water. I picture peach coloured tulips and green ivy. I see a white century home in the distance that holds the future of many years to come. I see a father saying goodbye for the first time and letting go for the last.

I think that it often happens that people have the words and just don't know how to say them...and then songs like this come along and change everything.

The Reality of Ron Mueck

One of the best decisions that I ever made in my life was to leave politics and take on the learning curve of working in the fine arts. Though it took me almost six months to eventually get my feet underneath me, I have been eternally grateful for the change and have never once looked back. It's been good for my soul to work in the arts. Though I'm not an artist myself and have never really enjoyed art history a great deal, art, in general, is a very soothing field of practice. It's almost therapeutic to walk through the Galleries and try to comprehend the existence of a five hundred year old painting. I often wonder, given the opportunity, what stories they would tell!

Of course, behind the scenes isn't always as calm and collected as the final product but, artistic chaos still somehow seems better than anything that politics ever threw my way!!

For numerous months now, my colleagues and I have been pushed outside of our comfort level in order to promote a very unique exhibit that is not only making it's Canadian debut but, has been breaking attendance records all over the world. Finally, last Thursday evening, in the presence of the NGC Foundation, Madame Chretien, regional media and hundreds of invited guests, we got to watch all of our hard work come together in the phenomenal exhibit presenting the works of Ron Mueck.

Mueck, originally from Australia but now living in Britain, is a fairly new artist (within the past ten years) who creates life like sculptures using fiberglass and silicone. The result is truly an experience that will take you on an emotional rollercoaster! He originally worked for such shows as the Muppets and Sesame Street, but eventually turned his gift into his own works of art. All of his sculptures are either miniature in size or larger than life with a sense of detail that almost makes you wonder if they are going to start up a conversation with you...they're incredible! Unfortunately, my favourite work, Angel, won't be presented but, overall, our exhibit (presented with the Fondation Cartier pour l'art contemporain) is the largest exhibit of his works in the world (featuring 16 pieces).

Mueck is also an artist well known for his privacy. Though he almost always travels to assist in the installation of his exhibits, he seldom, if ever, agrees to give interviews regarding his work. Thursday evening however, I had the extraordinary priviledge of meeting Mr. Mueck and talking with him a bit about his craft. There is something particularly exciting about preparing for an exhibit in which the artist is still living. So often, we are showing art that is many centuries old and when the time finally comes when you can honour a living artist, the experience is so much more rewarding! With one slight exception, I have had nothing but wonderful experiences with all the artists we have worked with...and Mueck is now at the top of my list (or atleast tied with Christopher Pratt!!). A man of great humility and class, he was an absolute pleasure to speak with and was incredibly humble about the huge contribution that he has made to the artistic world. It makes working to ensure the success of his exhibit that much more fun!!

Click here to see the Mueck mini site at the National Gallery of Canada webpage.
Mueck is on view until May 6th, 2007.

photo credits:
Untitled (Big Man), 2000
Hirshhorn Museum and Sculpture Garden, Smithsonian Institution, Washington (DC)
Two Women, 2005
Collection Glenn Fuhrman, New York