shadow of a doubt...

Wow…it’s been a while since I’ve been here! I’m surprised sometimes at how easy it is to lose track of time and I’m equally surprised at how distraught I can get when I’ve realized that I haven’t kept any record of that time. Clearly, I’ve created a monster here!

I’ve been thinking a lot about doubt lately. I’m not really sure if I consider it a good thing or not to doubt the world around you but I’ve concluded that while I live my life very strongly through the roots of my faith…that faith has almost constantly been challenged along the way. I’m certainly not a skeptic of the world. In fact, I rather enjoy being able to things at face value and trust in the truth of things around me…but I do ask a lot of questions. I’m pretty sure that given the chance, Brother David would have liked to have sent me to the back of the classroom during Bible Study because I’m the annoying one that wants an explanation for what the world was like before Jesus came to town!

So yes, I do question the world. I’ve questioned my faith; I’ve question my religion; I’ve questioned my choices and the choices of others; I’ve questioned whether or not the doctors are right; I’ve questioned the road that I’ve walked down; I’ve questioned a lot of things I my life…and it’s possible that I haven’t questioned enough things…but is that the same as doubting? Are they one in the same?

I started wondering this when I noticed that I was questioning myself and my abilities and my worth and my place among my fellow humans. Or rather, I should say that I started doubting all of these things which, having been in the midst of it, felt very different from simply putting the questions out there. Doubting felt like my mind had already been made up before even receiving the answer. Doubting felt like scrutiny that wasn’t waiting for a rebuttal. Doubting felt like telling instead of asking. Doubting felt sucky!

Luckily though, I realized that even my doubts should be subjected to the same questioning that I unleash on everything else! If we are to doubt something; faith, love, ourselves, whatever…then we should at least be willing to scrutinize our doubts in the same manner that scrutinize that which we are doubting. It’s only fair because I think that doubt comes from a darker place than questioning does and doubt can shed a darker shadow over our lives than the simple act of questioning can.

Of course, we all want to live lives with the kind of conviction that leaves no shadow of a doubt but that’s only possible when we make enough room for the light to get in.

all grown up...

Well Dorothy...I don't think that we're in Kansas anymore!

Ladies and gentlemen...the business cards have been printed, the word is out and the official fifteen:fifty-one photography site has been launched!

so.exciting.

Visit the new site here...

{if you're viewing on Internet Explorer v.6...it might be a bit finicky...IE has a personal vendetta against me!!}

one of many...

It seems needless to say that the “summer of Gen” hasn’t exactly started out as planned but then again; it’s not officially summer yet, so there’s still hope! As a matter of fact, some good friends and I have decided that the second half of 2009 is going to blow every other year out of the water! From our lips to God’s ears!!!

This past weekend proved that we might have been heard after all! We didn’t do anything exceptionally out of the ordinary but, we were in good company for the weekend and that’s exactly what we needed. Steve and I did our last long run of our training on Saturday morning which always makes me happy because it hereby gives me permission to eat and be lazy for the remainder of the weekend!

I was supposed to have a photo shoot on Saturday afternoon/evening but we got rained out so my two hours of taking pictures turned into two hours curled up in bed with my kitty cat and my latest book! Frankly, it doesn’t get much better than that...regardless of how much I love taking pictures!

We headed out to the Market to spend Saturday night with some friends (and the best white wine that I’ve ever had – way to go New Zealand!) and it was seriously one of the very best nights that I’ve had in a really long time!

Sunday was the re-scheduled photo shoot with a kick ass couple followed by the afternoon spent with our niece and nephew who were on a “fly-by” visit between Edmonton and New Brunswick. While the boys hung out terrorizing with the kids, us ladies took off to Starbucks to raise a latté to good health, new careers and amazing friends & family.

It was really the perfect weekend.

I was thinking about it later this week though and tried to figure out why I enjoyed it so much. Like I said, we didn’t do much out of the ordinary but the weekend, albeit quite busy, left me feeling really rejuvenated and energized. I finally figured it out today when I was making small talk with someone that I don’t know very well and it suddenly struck me; pretending is a lot of work!!! Plain and simple!

I used to spend a lot of time with people that were merely superficial friends; those that you socialized with but don’t really know much about you. In fact, a large part of my life was like that and ultimately, it left me in a group of people and not really knowing anyone at all. It also left me up to my ears in drama and unexpressed expectations because all parties involved weren't being honest with themselves or each other. Over the last few years though, I’ve done a rather large “purge” regarding my social circle and slowly started putting some distance between myself and those that I don’t entirely feel comfortable with. I guess as I got older, I decided to limit the people that I share my life with and as a result, I’m become very particular about who I’m willing to be friends with…friendships free of pretences and superficiality; people that don’t just pop up in your life when they want to share their great news or prove something to you…but those that share the not so great as well. It wasn’t necessarily an easy decision to make at the time…but now that I’m in it, I’m glad that I did.

I had a new appreciation this weekend for those in my life that render humility a much easier task. It isn’t always easy to be open about fears and insecurities, challenges and sadness, jealousy and envy…but my friends make it easy. And not only do they make it easy…they bring great wine too!!

Really…what more could a girl want?!?

and you thought you were entertaining...

I wouldn't mind having these guys around for one of our parties!!! This small clip doesn't really do them the justice they deserve but the entire clip was almost twenty minutes and even I didn't make it through the whole thing!!!

{Nathan "Flutebox" Lee & Beardyman performing at Google in the U.K.}

change of plans...

I feel so disorganized right now! For anyone that knows me well, you know that this does not sit well with me! It’s kind of interesting how much life seemed to change for the ten days that we found ourselves in “limbo”; our days were essentially put on hold in a way and now that the dust is starting to settle, I find it almost comical how much all of the things we left neglected during that time were patiently sitting there waiting for our return!

I spent the better of last night cleaning our house. As strange as this is going to sound, I often feel like the state of my outward environment is a direct reflection of my emotional state at the time!! Scary but true! So in a hopeful attempt at getting our life organized again…I started with the house! It was very cathartic!

On another note…I have writer’s block! I’m hoping to have my official photography site up and running by next weekend and I’ve been trying to work on the “about me” portion of the site to no avail. Can you believe that? I’ve posted over three hundred blog posts and yet I’ve stared blankly at my computer screen for a week trying to find the right words to explain who I am. Ugh. Actually, I NEED the site to be ready by next weekend because I have five photo shoots scheduled over the next seven weeks and if it doesn’t get done now, it’s going to get buried in a pile of editing and it will end up being July before it ever sees the light of day. No can do!

A bunch of people have been asking me of late what Steve and I did to celebrate our good news last week and I’ve been intrigued by people’s curiosity. Mostly, I’ve been intrigued because had you asked me a month ago what I imagine I would have wanted to do in such a situation, I would have likely said something along the lines of going out for a beautiful dinner, with a bottle of wine and an indulgent dessert. Come to think of it, I think that’s exactly what Steve had in mind when he picked me up from work that night! On our way home, after relishing in each other’s sighs of relief he looked over at me and said “so, what are we going to do tonight? Anything you want…” Honestly, all I wanted to do was to go for a walk in the warm summer air (it was 28 degrees that day), watch some funny shows and peacefully read my book before going to bed. Steve was surprised…he didn’t think it was celebratory enough. But that’s what I wanted; I wanted to enjoy our life, our routine, our day…without the weight of our worry to carry around with us. So that’s what we did…we went for a nice walk after work and ended up at Starbucks & Chapters with indulgent drinks in our hand and too many literary possibilities in front of us!

That’s when we started realizing just how “demanding” this year has been on us so far. We’ve coped better than even we thought we would be able to but nonetheless…it hasn’t exactly been smooth sailing and it’s certainly left us a bit depleted. That’s when we realized how much we would love a vacation right about now; a break from our world for a little bit so that we can really celebrate what it means to cherish life right now instead of later. So we’re going to Italy…for our anniversary! It wasn’t exactly part of the “plan” for this year but neither was any of the crap we just endured…so we’ve decided to change the plan on our terms a little bit as well!! It is only fair I think!

Hello Italian wine!

totally random thought...

Steve and I were doing our run last night through the NRC campus when we both commented on how the air smelled like a wet dog. But sure enough, there were no dogs, nonetheless wet ones, anywhere to be seen.

This got us thinking; maybe it’s not actually dogs that smell bad…maybe it’s spring and dogs actually smell like "wet spring" and not the other way around??

Maybe dogs have been taking the blame for decades because of the stinky spring air and all the while, they've been given a bad name because of it.

I think it’s possible that we’ve just uncovered a really big Dan Brown mystery here! I totally see a movie in the works somewhere!

breathe and reboot...

When I was in my second year of University, I worked with a guy named Tim at our local video store. One morning, Tim called in sick, saying that he had the flu and later that day, near the end of my shift, Tim’s Mom called saying that he had been hospitalized and that the doctor’s weren’t expecting him to live through the night. Needless to say, it was very shocking for all of us that knew him.

It turned out that Tim had drank a glass of water that had been sitting out and a form of bacteria that would have normally just given the rest of us an upset stomach, ended up attacking Tim’s heart and he developed an infection. At some point in time throughout the night, Tim was being transported by ambulance from the hospital to the heart institute for further treatment. Tim died on the way there. And then he was revived. He had actually flat lined and was considered clinically dead for close to three minutes before his heart was brought back to life and later treated. Tim’s life is the miracle that so many of us hope for.

When Tim returned to work about a month later, he seemed to be a completely different person. Tim was a writer and poet and had always possessed a very philosophical view of life. He was intense; passionate; joy filled and lived life with great intent. While he certainly had moments of happiness, Tim seemed very sad in the months following his illness. One night, a bunch of us went out for drinks after work and I asked Tim how he was feeling now that his life was starting to go back to normal. He said that he was sad and that he had been sad ever since. He said that everyone in his “life after death” support group had discovered this new found appreciation for the beauty and simplicity of life, and he found himself suffering from a depression that he didn’t quite know how to get himself out of. The world was just a sad place to him now. All I could really do for Tim was listen because in no way could I sympathize with what he was going through but, if I could see Tim now, I would look him in the eye and say “Tim…I understand”.

In no way has the outcome of our recent ordeal in any way compared to what he went through but in the three days since my test results came back…I’ve been sad. While I’ve been beyond grateful for the best possible outcome, I’ve also felt a despair that I haven’t quite been able to shake. I’ve felt sad at the realization of just how fleeting life is and at just how little we truly appreciate the subtle moments that pass us by. It makes my heart hurt to know how much time we spend suffering and struggling at the hands of our ego, our pride, our jealousy.

Death is scary. For most of us, its anticipation makes us shutter and despite our best efforts, it will catch up with all of us eventually. Some sooner than others but either way, we all know in the deepest recesses of our mind, that we are no exception. This is hard…at least for me. Just before Steve and I left to go to the hospital on the night we discovered the lump, I was curled up on the floor of our hallway telling Steve that I wasn’t ready yet; I didn’t want to go to the hospital because I wasn’t ready for our life to change this way yet; I wasn’t ready to go through something like this yet and I wasn’t ready to die yet. As long as I stayed on the floor, this wasn’t happening yet. And that’s what the prospect of death does to a lot of us; it paralyzes us in hopes that if we stay very, very still…so will time.

We all know that it doesn’t work this way though…and yet we still go about life as though it does.

I read once in a book that people who live with autism have a very different awareness of time and its passing. Somehow, they are almost always acutely aware that this moment, this minute, this day is eternally over and that you can never get it back. In turn, they are left with a melancholy from one passing moment after another. It’s left me wondering if perhaps getting bogged down in office politics or worrying about money is a human necessity sometimes…a defense mechanism to keep our world and our perspective small enough that it doesn’t scare us so much? Because the hugeness of our potential and our universe and our mortality can be a really scary place when you let yourself consider it for too long.

Perhaps Tim was pushed too far. Perhaps I was pushed too far. While Tim physically experienced death, I spent ten days mentally lingering in its presence. Perhaps we were both taken to places that we were not yet prepared to venture to and it’s left us with a sadness over how quickly the beauty of our world can slip between our fingers and turn to a grief that none of us are quite prepared for. Some people come out of such experiences living their entire life differently and as odd as this sounds; I don’t want to. I don’t want to because I don’t want to be reminded that I was once crying on the floor pleading with God to spare us this terror. I don’t want to be reminded that a moment changed everything. I don’t want to be reminded that my husband once had to worry about losing his wife…and that I had to see it in his eyes. I don’t want to be reminded that our universe can turn its dials that quickly. I don’t want to be reminded that this whole thing could have turned out very differently.

I’m sure that with a bit of time, I will be restored to my usual, if not better, self. But right now I need to acknowledge the fact that I’ve been shaken too hard and it’s changed something about the way I see the world. A good friend of mine and I were discussing yesterday how living life fully and happily is really a very fine line; it’s a delicate balance between appreciating the fragility of life without waiting for the other shoe to drop. I’ve experienced the other end of the spectrum more than I would have liked as of late and it may take me a little while to find my way back but it’s kind of like what Anna Nalick sings I guess, “You can’t jump the track, we’re like cars on a cable and life’s like an hour glass glued to the table…

…so just breathe.”

two points for us...

I went for an ultrasound this past weekend to start the process of finding out what our next steps are and let me just say that sitting in a dark and dinging lab office for over an hour (because apparently making an appointment doesn’t actually mean having an appointment!) is less than appealing!

To add insult to injury, the only magazines that were left in the waiting room were Canadian Living Magazines from 1984 and ironically enough, they were all October issues hence every article was geared towards promoting Breast Cancer Awareness Month. So every other page was stories of people living with breast cancer and I couldn’t help but look to the heavens and whisper “Really? Are you kidding me?!?!”

An hour later I went in for my ultrasound and then we walked out into the warm summer air with no more answers than what we went in with. I had a little chat with the technician about our health care system and whether or not our waiting periods affect the survival rate when it comes to cancer. He went on to tell me that I shouldn’t worry about that because cancer is determined by weeks and not by days. Funny though given that I had waited a week for the appointment and would wait another week for the results. I didn’t say anything though since I was lying half naked on a table in front of him while he stared at a big black hole on the screen that brought our life to abrupt halt…I thought it was best to stay on his happy side!

So that was Saturday and today at 3pm I received a call from our doctor’s office to tell me that I don’t have cancer. In fact, I’m perfectly healthy and instead, I have a benign cyst that was masquerading as a tumour. Jerk!

I will have to call my doctor again and ask them to re-read the report because I didn’t really hear much after “you’re okay” but I did manage to catch the last thing she said before hanging up the phone…

“You get to win this one!”

Amen to that!

a crab of a time...

When I was in grade school, I used to tell everyone that my birthday was on June 18th (when it’s actually on July 18th). I really disliked having my birthday in the summer because for starters, all of my friends were away at summer camp or on family vacations and secondly, because I was one of the only ones in my class that didn’t get a party or my birthday announced on the PA system on the morning of my big day. For a ten year old…it just seemed like the harshest of punishments.

There was another reason though too; I didn’t particularly like being the sign of Cancer. I love the zodiac signs and the mythical beliefs behind them. While I certainly don’t place much worth to daily horoscopes at all, I have found that throughout my life, zodiac signs have been strangely accurate in describing the type of personality that I am along with those that I love. Take what you like from it but, there are certain elements that simply aren’t transferable among individuals and there is no doubt whatsoever that I am, indeed, a Cancer the crab. I didn’t like this though and I still kind of don’t because I don’t like being the only zodiac signed to share the same name as an often times terminal illness. All in all, I wanted to be as far away from cancer, in every form, as I could be.

I have been unforgivably absent from my blog as of late because cancer has been on my mind a lot lately and it’s a surprisingly exhausting thing to think about. My husband and I are waiting to find out if I have breast cancer. Last Thursday was, by far, one of the worst days of my life, as what should have been a seemingly normal evening at home became a panic-stricken trip to the emergency room.

Last week, I found a lump on my left breast and with that, our world flipped up side down and in some ways…came crashing down. Mere minutes after being in the car on the way to the hospital, Steve had to pull over as I threw up on the side of the road. It was really the only thing that my body knew how to do at the time and I continued to throw up for ten consecutive hours after that. The next morning our doctor confirmed the abnormality and was immediately on the phone to find the earliest appointment for an ultrasound and begin the next steps of God knows what.

To be completely honest, I don’t want to be here writing about this. I don’t really feel like I’m ready to be “talking” about it like this and all the while, I’m not prepared to not talk about it either. From the instant I found out, I was determined not to be that story…that unique case of the thirty-year old wife dying of cancer. I wanted to come here after the fact and tell you all about it once it was over. But it’s not over and I don’t know how long it will be until it is and I don’t like waiting and wondering and pondering all by myself. I want this to be a tiny group of entries on this blog that I will look back at one day and think “geez…wasn’t that sucky at the time?!?!”. I say “at the time” because I very much want there to be a time that doesn’t include this; this anxiety; this waiting; this unwelcome visitor in my body.

Right now, we wait. We wait to get the results of the ultrasound; we wait to hear what the doctor is going to say to us from across the room; we wait to see if we are going to breath a sigh of relief or a stop breathing altogether; we wait to see where life is going to go from here. We wait.

We’re optimistic and aside from the obvious presence of something that indicates otherwise, we have every reason to be. We’re optimistic that this will be a slight glitch in our current journey from here to there and we’re optimistic that whatever the outcome is, it will be manageable. There are still moments though in which our minds wander to the darker places and we find our selves staring at the terror that first flashed before us when this whole thing came into being. I think that it’s human nature to consider the worst and for me, it’s nothing short of my worst nightmare.

There is one thing though that my zodiac description has always failed to mention…

Whatever this thing is that’s in my body…it just fucked with the wrong girl…

the sound of music...

I would be so much less opposed to public transit
if this happened more often!!!

it's almost time...

On this very day last year, Steve and I were in Australia! It seems funny to say that now as a part of my past experiences, especially given how much time we spent preparing for it. But that’s how it goes…we slowly went from “I want to visit Australia one day” to “I’ve swam with a sea turtle in Australia!!” It’s funny how that happens.

I remember how Steve and I were so excited to come home and settle in to our new house and our new routine. The beginning of the year had been so full of new things that we were very much looking forward to spending the second half of the year living the boring suburban life! Even after our return, we found ourselves adjusting to more changes; new pets, new jobs, new colleagues. There just seemed that there was no end to the transitions in our life. By the time everything did settle down, we were so tired that all we could do was let ourselves hibernate alongside the cold weather and hope for the best! We discovered that the decline from that much change is seldom ever subtle. While we had visions of “coming down” gradually, the universe had an entirely different plan!!!

Summer is back though! It’s 16 degrees here in Ottawa today (that’s 60.8 degrees for you Jim!!!!) and you can just feel the warmth approaching! That means that we officially have a second chance to relish in the island of summer that we missed last year due to relentless fatigue! In honour of the first true summer day of the year, I’ve taken it upon myself to declare 2009 the summer of Gen! I don’t mean it in a “summer of Gen and no one else” kind of thing…more so a “summer of all the things that Gen wants to do and hasn’t done during summers past”. I want to spend the summer relaxing and reading…getting a tan and doing yoga…drinking slushy drinks and eating peaches every day! That’s not too much to ask, is it?!?!

Our summers always seem to be so busy in the flurry of the few nice months that we experience in this end of the province that they tend to be gone before they even get started. So far, we’ve managed not to make too many plans for the summer other than some travelling to visit friends and family. And although I have class twice a week, school will be done in early July…just in time to park myself on a park bench with a Jane Austen book in one hand and a frozen drink in the other…!!!

I’m already luxuriating in the loveliness of it all!!! Any one care to join me?!?! There’s plenty of room on my park bench!!

Easter is Cancelled...!!!

fifteen:fifty-one...

So I've been getting threats lately! That's right...THREATS!

People have been threatening me within an inch of my life if I even consider the prospect of leaving writing for photography (seriously...I always took you as more of a pacifist!!). I've been told under no uncertain terms that photography is all well and dandy...just as long as the blog doesn't take a back seat! It's nice to see who's really in control here!!

Well, I'm sure that you've noticed that the neglect has begun and believe me when I say that I've been getting an earful about it! So, in the name of keeping the peace...I'm willing to offer a compromise...

A photo blog!

Now before you get all up in a knot, let me first announce that Fifteen:Fifty-One Photography has officially gone live! My private passion has been "outed" and what was once a personal affair is...well...not anymore! The pictures need their own home now and since I wouldn't dream of abandoning you, Fifteen:Fifty-One {the blog}, is now up and running! I also have a group on Facebook and the official website should be ready in the coming weeks.

I'll admit that it's all a little bit scary and I will take all the encouragement I can get! Having my pictures here...in my own little corner of cyberspace is one thing. Having them "out there"...is a bit terrifying! So please be gentle!!!

So I may not be here quite as often but the story telling will continue...and hopefully, some pretty pictures to go with it!!

Join me...bookmark me...visit me. I could use the company ;)

fifteen:fifty-one photography {the blog}

hot pink dreams...

I’ve been meaning to blog for a few days now but every time I get here, I find myself with writer’s block! Too much has been happening and none of it makes enough sense to write about…yet!

I do have some fun news to share though; my fancy pants designer, Jamie McGlashan, has recently given me the final art work for my new business card! I’ve only ever had two business cards in my life…both left much to be desired, not only in design but in their significance to my life! I’ll admit that it was pretty exciting to have my first business card but this new one isn’t just a business card…it’s my new direction…my new endeavor…my new leap of faith…my new found bravery that arose from an otherwise tumultuous situation.

This is the business card for my soon to be photography company…

Isn't she beautiful...?!?!?!

lady in waiting...

Fear is such a funny thing. I wouldn’t say that I’m afraid of a lot of things but the few things that I am afraid of…I’m deeply afraid of them! Thunderstorms, cancer, the colour yellow…you know, all of the perfectly normal and logical things to fear in life!! Generally speaking, when I’m afraid of something, I just avoid it; I avoid thinking about it, I avoid learning about it and most of all, I certainly avoid confronting it. Not to say that this is the healthy way of managing fear (I’m sure that most psychologist would agree) but I won’t lie…it works for me and you know what they say; “if it ain’t broke…”

There is the odd occasion though, from time to time, when I’m motivated to swallow my fear, take a deep breath and move forward in spite of it. It’s rare but this past weekend was one of them!

One of my good friends is expecting her second child in May and she asked me if I would come over and take some pictures of her and her family before their newest addition arrives. At first thought, I glimmered at the idea of taking pictures for them…but that was before she suggested taking them at her house!! This is the moment in which my irrational fear of indoor photography grabbed hold of me and went directly for the jugular!!! There is certainly no hiding my fear of indoor photography; artificial light can be so daunting and unpredictable, and can often leave you with some pretty mortifying results to show for it {insert dark shadows due to poor angles here!!!} but…there is also no hiding the fact that this is one of my most favourite families in the entire world and there are few things as flattering as being asked to photograph them together as they anticipate the new miracle entering their lives.

So I did it! I walked into their house, bad lighting and all, told my fear to take a hike for a few hours and did my very best to do justice to this fabulous family. And what a family they are…we had so much fun hanging out in the baby’s room, playing with blocks and of course, learning that it pays to tackle your fears head on… even if it is only for a couple of hours!

the single moment...

I remember many years ago looking at a National Geographic magazine and one of the photographs was an award winning image taken in Ethiopia. It was part of a collection intended to profile those enduring the famines in Africa. It was sad.

This picture in particular was of a small child that had been on route to a shelter and collapsed part way. Curled up in the fetal position, the child just laid there naked on the cracked, dry soil while vultures flew up above and waited for him to die. I remember thinking how devastating it must have been for that photographer to watch this moment…to be a part of this moment…to capture this moment.

It compelled me to read up on the photographer a bit and as it turned out, the photographers on site were actually given very strict orders not to touch any of the children as their immune systems were so depleted that even the most harmless of our germs could cause serious illness. It broke my heart to read it and without a doubt, it was even more excruciating to witness in person. The photograph ended up winning one of the world’s most prestigious awards and shortly there after, the photographer killed himself. The guilt and grief of having to watch this child die was more than his soul could handle.

I remember telling myself afterwards that if I were ever so privileged as to capture moments that intimate…I would pray that God would let them be moments of joy instead. As I take more pictures, I also realize a bit more that there are moments in which I feel I should look away; moments that seem too private for me to be seeing them through a lens. That being said though…those are also the moments that make being there such a gift…being there to take a split second and turn it into something eternal. That is why I love photography.

That is also why I love this picture that I captured of my dear friend and her daughter over the weekend; what an honour to be present during this brief moment…

caught in the act...

I was working on my photography website yesterday (did I mention that I was creating one? It will soon be here!), and as I was playing around with the design of the “about me” page, I realized that I didn’t have any good pictures of me with a camera! That’s kind of the thing with being the photographer…you’re generally behind the camera!

Low and behold though, Christina sent these to me this morning; “action shots” from our weekend in Toronto! Talk about aiming to please!!

{Christina…I would also like a million dollars!}

So here they are…the first shots of me getting down and dirty for my craft! It’s such a hard life being surrounded by beautiful people…

a day at the distillery...

Toronto; an economic powerhouse for our country; our provincial capital; a tourist hotspot and despite having spent quite a bit of time there when I was young, it’s also a city that I’m not a big fan of! We used to travel there often when I was a little girl to visit family and even now, decades later, I still feel the same way; too big, too busy, too many people who should be in anger management classes instead of behind the wheel! That being said, I’ve driven through it…but seldom ever send a postcard!

I have a problem now though…over the past years, months, days…the city has taken a number of the people that I love hostage!!! Whether it be due to family, work or a combination of the two, one by one, they are being plucked from me and taken to Toronto!! And because I love my friends more than I dislike Toronto, I felt that it was time for a little truce!!!!

So this past weekend, I packed up our car and made the four hour drive to visit my nearest and dearest! Because there were so many of us coming from different directions, the big question was “what do we do for the one afternoon that we have together?” Our question was easily answered by suggesting a meeting place in Toronto’s historic Distillery District where all of my friends could play dress up for me and I could spend hours in one of my favourite places…behind the camera!

So we met up at Balzac’s with coffee in hand, ready to make our few hours together rock; Olivia and Josh melted my heart (it wouldn’t be the first time!); Christina and Jason reminded me of how much fun it is to photograph true love; Joanne was her usual stunning self and even though she was plagued with a rotten cold, Sara still made it out to offer her moral support!

Bottom line; my friends are amazing! Some people may make more money than me, have a bigger house than me or have nicer clothes than me…but they don’t have my friends and frankly, they are about as good as they get and so worth braving Toronto traffic for!

Needless to say that an afternoon together just wasn’t enough but thankfully, 325 raw files and four hours of post-production later...we do find ourselves with a little something to remember it by…

For more pictures from our day at the Distillery, click here.

just because she can...

haunted...

Do you believe in ghosts?

I know that we’ve all sat around campfires in our younger days scaring ourselves out of our wits telling urban legends about flesh eating neighbors living under our beds. But now that we’re all a little bit older and wiser, where do we all stand on the whole “spirits lurking among us” thing?!?!

When I was about fifteen years old, I spent my summer at ranch just outside of London. As a counselor in training that year, I had spent nearly two and half months doing everything from kitchen duty, riding instructor and of course, camp counselor for the hundreds of kids that came to stay with us in the woods for weeks at a time.

The ranch was set on 220 acres of land, including wooded areas and cornfields. Each camping area was tucked away in different parts of the ranch to give each group a more private setting once group events were over. There was no doubt that once the sun went down, the ranch was a scary place! Without the light pollution radiating from the city, the ranch was very dark at night and no amount of flashlights ever seemed to make it better!

One night in early August, I was co-counseling a group of eleven year-old girls for two weeks. Each of us counselors were required, throughout each camp session, to take turns monitoring the sites after dark. The girl’s site was the closest to the camp lodge but still far enough away that it would give you a run for your money if you needed to use the washroom in the middle of night. Our site, unlike most of the others, was protected by the shelter of enormous maple trees that had a small clearing just in the middle of them. While this provided a welcome canopy during the rainy days of summer, it also made the perfect home for the many things that go bump in the night. The nocturnal happenings of the woods were certainly more alive under the trees and became one of the scariest places that I endured during my childhood!

Late one night while I happen to be on monitoring duty, another counselor came back to their tent to call it a night. Given that it was going to take her a couple of minutes to settle in, I asked her if she would mind taking over for me while I ran to the lodge to use the washroom and grab a drink. So, flashlight in hand, I took a deep breath and made my way through the dark woods to the lodge. Every step that I took made the leaves and branches crinkle under my feet and my heart start beating a little faster. It was impossible to get around the site without perpetually thinking that someone was trailing close behind you (and, if my imagination had anything to do with it, it was almost always someone of the “knife-wielding-camp-counselor-abducting” disposition!).

Ten minutes later, I arrived back at the site unharmed and unwilling to return to the lodge regardless of how much my bladder needed it! I quickly went to my co-counselor’s tent to let her know that I had returned and that she was free to peacefully head off to dreamland for the night. Just as I about to pull back the thick canvas flap of her tent, I was startled by a young girl standing right next to me in front of the tent. She was young…too young (maybe eight years-old or so), with long dark hair, extremely sad eyes and a long white night gown nearly reaching the ground. I looked over at her, puzzled as to how she could have sneaked up on me so unexpectedly, and quietly said to her “stay here for one second and I’ll take you back to your tent”.

Desperately wanting to return the little girl to her bed, I quickly poked my head in the tent to let my colleague know that I returned and no more than ten seconds later, I closed the tent flap, turned to take the little girl’s hand and realized that she was gone. She was nowhere to be seen. I glanced around and there was no sight of her. I hadn’t heard her move or enter her tent. She was just…gone.

I didn’t think too much of it at the time but the next morning, as I looked around at the campers during breakfast, I noticed that there wasn’t anyone bearing the same resemblance as her. No one with long, dark hair like hers and certainly no one that looked that young. When I asked around to other counselors, no one remembers any of their campers having any white, frilly nightgowns either. In fact, the standard response was “who would send their kid to camp with something like that anyways?!?!”

Good question. I would have said the same thing myself had I not seen it with my own eyes.

I’ll admit, my eyes could have playing tricks on me and it might not have been real. But it felt real and my brain thought it was real enough for me to actually speak to whatever it was that I was looking at. I’ll also admit that maybe there was in fact a little girl standing there and that in the light of day, every thing just looked different. I honestly don’t know. All I know is that even now, fifteen years later, I still think about it, still believe it and most certainly…still get a little weary of little girls in white dresses!!!