sibling rivalry...

So it’s official…I’m having a baby! Of course, it’s been official for a while already but now it’s obvious…the belly is showing and there’s no hiding it! If you didn’t really share in my day to day life, then it could just pass as having had a big lunch (or a “food baby” as they would say in Juno!!!) but for everyone else (myself included)…it’s real now! I put on 4.2 pounds this past month which has made my doctor very happy given that I actually lost weight in my first trimester from being so sick.

This past month has really made me realize though what a strange and somewhat contradictory experience having a baby can be. For women especially, we spend so much of our lives paying great attention to our bodies and our appearance. Now, it’s ones job to actually gain weight on a fairly steady basis and I’ll admit that it feels hard at times. It’s strange to watch your waist line expand and to know that it’s supposed to be happening that way!!

This stopped being hard about a week ago though when I felt the baby move for the first time! Even by text book terms, this is generally quite early on in a pregnancy to feel anything but when something like that moves inside of you…there is simply no mistaking it! My doctor explained to me yesterday that some people, for various reasons, will tend to experience fetal movements much earlier on and lucky for me…it apparently means that all that stretching (or “re-arranging the furniture” as my husband puts it!!!!) could be a bit more agonizing as well! Awesome!

It’s been especially fun over the last week to watch Tugger and the baby battle it out every time Tugger comes to claim his real estate on my lap! Tugger curls up in his usual spot and purrs contently then shortly there after, the baby starts moving up a frenzy!!! I can sort of picture the rivalry going on each time;

Baby: Get lost fur ball…this is my spot!
Tugger: Whatevs man…I’m still bigger than you!
Baby: Yeah…you just wait until that tail of yours becomes public domain!
Tugger: Meh…

And on it goes!

What can I say…everyone wants a piece of the dream ;)

dozing the day away...

Have I ever mentioned how much I love my bed…especially at this time of year? I’m a pretty huge fan of beds in general but our bed in particular is especially wonderful!

We actually received our entire bedroom set as a wedding gift four years ago, including our mattress. It’s this unbelievably comfortable queen size, pillow top mattress that simply radiates happy dreams! Right around this time of year until about April, we drape a king size feather duvet over top of us that is wrapped with the softest and comfiest cover from Pottery Barn that we ordered the year we moved into our new house. Lest we forget the pile of delectable pillows and the wool blanket that we also got for our wedding that stretches across the end of our bed for those extra chilly nights! Add on top of that the purring fur ball of a cat that is usually found buried somewhere amongst this heavenly creation and the pile of delicious books that is always perched on the night stand…and frankly, why would I ever leave?!?!

I’m actually convinced that our bed could heal just about any ailment given enough time!

In recognition of the fact that my time spent in my bed may be diminished quite a bit come March, I’ve been indulging in it as much as I can lately! This ended up including two afternoon naps this past weekend as the cool autumn air breezed through our bedroom window. I would get through a chapter or two of my latest literary indulgence, Little Women, before I would doze off once again with Tugger contently curled up next to me.

It was perfect. As perfect a way to spend the last weekend of summer that I can think of…

It did interfere slightly with my level of productivity though this weekend because I did have a fair bit that I wanted to get done but, as my colleague told me this morning, I’m being quite productive on a cellular level…so it doesn’t really matter how much I get done around the house anymore!!!

Amen!

ignorance is bliss...

I never really used to like the expression “Ignorance is Bliss”. It always seemed like a cop out to me…a reason to stay oblivious to the world around you. I’ve always been a fairly pro-active person; in matters of health, education, international affairs. I like to do my homework, know what I’m getting into and move forward with all the facts in front of me. I’ll be the first to admit that this has caused the odd tumultuous relationship between Google and I, but for the most part…we’re friends! I guess you could say that I’ve always been a big supporter of the after school public service announcements that teach “The More You Know!”

I did learn this weekend however, that ignorance does have its place and that without it, so many of the lessons that get us through life would never happen.

Take Saturday for example; it was a perfectly delightful and sunny day when I was awoken with a Starbucks in bed from my husband! The air was cool, the sky was bright and I was about to spend the entire day shooting Caroline and Brent’s wedding out in Bourget at her parent’s property. For all intents and purposes, it was a perfect reason to smile and get out of bed with tons of enthusiasm at the day ahead. However, had I known then that I would end up spending a good chunk of that night stranded on a deserted country dirt road in the middle of nowhere…then I might have changed my mind! Had I known that my car just wouldn’t start again after pulling over to check directions as a thick and intense fog rolled over the country…then I might have just stayed buried under the covers! Had I known that I was going to find myself wandering aimlessly in the dark while believing that I was going to play the starring role in the next episode of Criminal Minds…then I might have just opted to stick with my day job instead of braving this new venture!

So ignorance was clearly created for a reason and I’ve just never given it enough credit up until now! Without it, we would likely never try something new and brave through the elements. Ignorance keeps us sheltered from being scared off by how many times we’re going to fail before we succeed; it protects us from running for the hills because we’d already know the errors in judgment that we’re about the make. And as miserable as it is to endure failing, or panicking, or having your heart broken, or being stranded in the middle of the night…it is also necessary. It’s necessary to fail sometimes in order to succeed; it’s necessary to panic sometimes in order to problem solve; it’s necessary to watch a relationship fall apart sometimes so you can know how to put it back together again; and it’s necessary to walk the dark country roads of a Stephen King novel sometimes in order to learn why you should invest in a cell phone…

go...

I read the most fantastic book while we were in Italy! A friend had given me the book The Elegance of the Hedgehog by French novelist Muriel Barbery for my birthday and being poolside in Rome seemed like the perfect place to crack it open. Simply put; I was hooked from page one! It’s unlike most novels that I’ve read but I absolutely loved it. The characters are wonderful and endearing, and the language is nothing short of intoxicating. Read it!

But on separate note, this book also introduced me to a game called Go, a strategic game that originated in ancient China but is most commonly known for its popularity in Japan. Being a bit foggy on the actual rules of the game, my knowledge of it is a bit limited however, I have come to learn that the basic idea of the game is that using something much like a chess board, two players (with either black or white pieces) occupy the game board while they try to move their pieces across to the opposing side of the board. However, each player can only continue to play as long as their opponent also has a certain number of pieces on the board as well. Ultimately, one player wins, but only with the help of the other. I found the concept of this game striking because much of life is about winning…about power; people constantly trying to be the best or be right or be in control and in turn, you must eliminate the opponent. However, that being said, you can’t completely eliminate your opponent because without them, there is no one around to acknowledge your power in the first place…in which case, you essentially don’t have any. But here is a game that’s built entirely around the premise that in order to win…you must also help build up your opponent as opposed to annihilate them. In order for anyone to move ahead, both players must work together. Astounding!

The idea of anything occurring strategically in which greed actually causes you to lose seems like a somewhat foreign concept in our current society. We live in a day and age that tends to be consumed with greed, both monetarily and emotionally. History is always written by the winners…those still left standing to actually tell the story! The more I consider it, the more I realize just how conflicting this must be to human nature to try to balance one’s pursuit of betterment and success without remaining entirely focused on your self.

I’ve been thinking about this concept a lot lately as Steve and I begin to move forward with a lot of major decisions in our life. Mostly, the main objective of our current game is the best interest of our future family. As we prepare for the arrival of our son or daughter, we realize more and more that the decisions we make will no longer be just about us and in turn, they need to be made with a sense of responsibility and protectiveness that only comes with making choices on behalf of another being.

We most certainly want to proceed with our life and our choices in a way that builds instead of depletes. Of course, that is easier said than done when those around you aren’t always playing the same game but our part, at the very least, is to play by the rules of our game. We’ve been noticing that even a game built around such strategic diplomacy doesn’t always leave both players walking away with all of the pieces they may have started with but that being said, we have found ourselves getting shuffled around the board a fair bit as well.

But at the end of the day, I’m left feeling hopeful that a game of such kind even exists at all. That somewhere…twenty-five hundred years ago…someone else also desired a world in which we could all move forward; a world in which we could each move across the board – and through life – without the concern of a being wiped out in the meantime. Life changes, people grow, mistakes are made and lessons are learned…but those are all the moves that we make to get us from one side to the other. More importantly though, I want our child to not only be a player that builds but one that is also surrounded with other players all following the same set of idealistic rules; to build and not destroy. To not destroy ones self-esteem or sense of worth; to not destroy one’s right to having feelings or speaking up about them; to not destroy the very essence of growth and learning; to not receive harsh words as retaliation for hurt feelings. It's a destruction that I see a lot as an adult.

I acknowledge that perhaps my view of the world that I hope for our child is a world that may not exist yet…that the world and many of the people in it will still prefer to be right instead of being happy. There are still places though, whether they are the ends of the earth, corners of cyberspace or small circles of friends and family where you know you can just go; go about your life; go through life and go be a player in the very greatest game of your life.

And everyone has to go somewhere...

my summer vacation...

Do you remember when you were younger and were just going back to school around this time? It never failed that, inevitably, during some time in the early weeks, you’d get asked to write an essay about your summer holidays! My English class was suddenly a flurry of tales regarding adventures at camp and family trips to the Cape…it always seemed like such a nice way to wrap up the summer months and move into the academic year.

It’s been a really long time since I’ve had to write one of those essays but with the city buzzing full of brand new students this week, it got me feeling a bit nostalgic for our back-to-school ritual and left me compelled to tell you a bit about how I spent my summer months!!

I found out that I was pregnant on July 2nd. It was a really hot and muggy day in Southwestern Ontario and I hadn’t been sleeping very well. The great debate occurring in my head regarding whether or not our world was going to flip upside down in the not so distant future was monopolizing most of my waking hours. Sure enough, two little pink lines were about to tell a really big story!

And then it came; the Great Sickness! It descended upon me in the middle of night while we were away visiting friends. It creeped into our bed, under our blankets and took over every square inch of my body…and then furthermore, it proceeded to stay and keep me company for almost eight entire weeks!

That pretty much became the story of my summer holidays; being curled up in a little ball on my couch…in my bed…on the bathroom floor…at my desk…you name it, as our future offspring kicked my ass for two months straight!!!!! I’ve seriously never felt so sick in my entire life!!

I recently read that the body of a woman at rest in her first trimester of pregnancy is working as hard as a woman running a marathon. And I’ve run a marathon before, hence I can vouch for the fact that it wasn’t pretty, which would likely explain why I spent a large chunk of time feeling like I was having a disease instead of having a baby!

Part way through my summer, when I felt like there was going to be no end to my state of misery, I asked my good friend Joanne if, at the very least, this entitled me to a token “you’re-grounded-for-no-other-reason-than-the-fact-that-you-made-me-barf-for-the-entire-summer-of-2009” card??

She said no…apparently guilt right out of the womb isn’t the way to go!!!!

check.it.out...

I'm so glad that a picture can say a thousand words...
because even the writer in me needs a little help with this one!!

Little Baby Smyth...we can't wait to meet you in March!!

Love,
Mom and Dad
xoxo

all together now...

For all those toddlers with impeccable musical taste...!!!

leaving on a jet plane...

I’m reading Eat Pray Love. Again. For something like the sixth time! Because I love it just that much! It also seemed wildly appropriate to read it as we were heading off to Italy for a much needed “Elizabeth Gilbert-esque” makeover of my own.

I’m not necessarily proud to say this but truth be told, I’ve never looked or felt more tired than I do right now. My entire body simply radiates fatigue at this moment and while I know that ten days in Europe is not the everlasting cure, I do know that ten days in the Eternal City is better than ten days spent here. The last two months (who am I kidding…the last EIGHT months!) have been really challenging and my poor body has taken quite a beaten because of it. I’ve coped and I’ve actually coped quite well but everything has its limit and the timing of this trip couldn’t be more ideal. I can’t think of a better place to renew my body and soul than a country that prides itself on the pursuit of pure pleasure!!! I mean really, any nation that encourages you to eat gelato at 9am is alright by me!!

Steve and I are embarking on a transition of sorts right now and the next ten days is the perfect way to bridge the entrance to some pretty significant changes. A lot is about to happen in our world upon our return and while we’ve known about them for awhile, anticipation is very different than reality. Many elements of our life are undergoing some major overhauls; changes with our work, family moving away, a brother heading to Afghanistan for nine months…and the list goes on. Undoubtedly, the wheels are going to start spinning at a fairly rapid pace when we get back and I think that this trip will provide us with just the opportunity we need to get a little bit more grounded.

So I’ve got my sunscreen, my toothbrush and some good magazines for the plane!

I’d say that I’m set!

See you in ten days!

checking in...

I spent some time in Starbucks this morning while waiting for my appointment and I ended up finishing the book My Year of Living Biblically by A.J. Jacobs! One word (three syllables!); a.ma.zing. Seriously…it was brilliant and refreshingly humorous! Jacobs is a writer for Esquire Magazine and decided to take his secular self and live an entire year following all the rules of the Bible as literally as possible. This is no easy feat for anyone nonetheless a New Yorker!!

I honestly thought that the book was fantastic and I was sad when it ended. I loved seeing the manner in which a person would change shape while learning all about the Bible for the first time and in many ways, we share very similar beliefs. Though Jacobs is agnostic and I’m Catholic, I very much agree with the words of David Usher; “I believe your truth is not my truth and that God can exist in many places at one time”. This is not a view that many of my fellow Catholics would be happy to share with me but for better or worse, I’m okay with a world of mixed beliefs…even if they are not mine!

My favourite part of the book was the manner in which Jacobs would do little “status reports” throughout the course of the book reporting on the evolution of his faith as he ventured further into his year. I like the idea of taking momentary checks with your self. I don’t do that enough. I have a tendency to look back when all is said and done…but hardly ever “mid-stream”. So it compelled me take some time this morning during my walk to work to do a mental status report on my post-traumatic stress progress.

Where am I? Really?

Quantitatively, I’m seven weeks into my ten weeks of dissecting my feelings regarding what happened. Mentally, I sometimes I wonder if my doctor is going to make it out of this alive! I’m not always the most gracious of patients. Emotionally, I’m tired of the process. I often walk out of there feeling as though I’ve just survived a severe gang beating; twenty years of fearing cancer takes hold of me and never fails to kick my ass. Needless to say that I don’t really feel like I’m winning this battle at this moment. It makes me wonder what the real cancer is; the potential tumour or the never ending fear of something that may or may not ever exist? Either way, I certainly know which one is more poisonous. This thought eventually led to another one though and it posed the question of whether or not this is actually a battle to be won or lost? Perhaps it’s actually a nagging roommate that I need to learn to be friends with so we can be in the same room together without fighting over the remote control. Perhaps we were always meant to share the same space but we just never determined the ground rules of living together yet. Maybe it’s about cohesiveness instead of a notice of eviction…about understanding instead of conquering. Maybe it’s about not just checking in with my self more often but also with the big bad monster that lives under my bed.

Or maybe my big bad monster needs to spend some time with my doctor instead of me…I’m tired of being the middle man!!

a closer look...

I’ve been wondering a lot lately about how people perceive themselves. This was triggered in me when I noticed some rather offensive facebook material that left me pondering words none other than this…“and to think that these people are and/or will be parents” {insert cringe here}. As people leave racial and highly cynical remarks all over the pages of cyberspace, I can’t help but feel tempted to ask them if that’s the sort of thing that they would want to be passing on to our world’s most impressionable. It’s as though becoming adults has left us the freedom of financial and personal responsibility but we’ve disregarded the higher and more important responsibility…that which is owed to those other than ourselves.

I don’t have children of my own but I don’t think that you need to be a parent to acknowledge that a lot of time is spent being very cautious about the people who influence the children in your life. You want them to mingle with the “right” crowd, go to the “right” schools, preferably grow up in the “right” neighborhoods and yet all the while, how often do we consider if we, ourselves, are people that we would want our children spending time with? Do we demonstrate the same values and morals that we would want our children to learn or do we leave it up to those “right” people and places to do that for us?

Of course, we’d all like to think that we play our part but I’m really starting to wonder. If I had children, would I want them to demonstrate the same self-criticism that I have towards myself or expect discipline from them that I have yet to achieve? Simple answer; probably! And why not? We always want the best for the children in our lives, right? But then I find myself wondering whether or not that’s a fair expectation to put on any child; to expect them to learn despite our own example? Simple answer: no!

All this to say that I’ve taken this realization as an opportunity to attempt at curbing some of my own behaviour based on the “would I want my child to see this?” theory! It’s one thing to do something and judge it as right or wrong by your own standards but it’s entirely different to do so when you’re considering the influence on future generations. Perhaps next time I’m tempted to exude my judgement or my jealousy, I’ll imagine the future “mini me” standing alongside and maybe that will be motivation enough to reconsider what kind of mark I really want to leave on the world…

the universe wins again...

So everyone has had those moments when the universe subtly nudges you in a certain direction but don’t you just love it when it outright slaps you in the face?!?! I don’t have those moments a lot but when I do, they usually make me laugh out loud from the pure irony and hilarity of their timing.

Today, I had one of those moments!

For a little while now, I’ve been considering shutting down this blog. I’ve had the hardest time though because there is a piece of me that really, really doesn’t want to. I’ve grown so attached and while my posting may be a bit more sporadic than I would like right now, my blog is still like an old friend that is always there for me when I need it…just waiting for me to vent away about my life’s recent happenings.

A large part of the debate that I have with myself is regarding my writing in general. With the overwhelming amount of work that has been launched into my photography, my writing has taken a major backseat in terms of priority. And I’ve been sad to see this happen. However, I also know that the start of my photography is much like having a small child; it requires a lot of care and attention right now but eventually it will grow up and be able to hold its own a little bit more. I find comfort in this; in knowing that the learning curve won’t always be so steep and that eventually, my photography will be my only job instead of one of my jobs and that in turn, will give my life the equilibrium that it’s been lacking over the past six months. And of course, this is where my novel and my writing in general will once again see the light of day. So needless to say that I haven’t yet been able to pull the plug!

Then low and behold, this morning I received an email from the Manager of Member Outreach at Helium.com, the writing network that I’m a part of, asking if they could feature my blog on their site! Seriously, I had to laugh; just as I was fighting with the idea of bidding farewell, the universe finds its way of telling me that it’s not quite the time just yet! I promptly emailed her back and all the while, accepted the fact that certain powers that be might know better than I do…

…at least for now!

ever after...

It was a Wednesday…an especially delightful one at that. I remember walking down the street towards our apartment during what seemed to be an absolutely perfect summer afternoon. The air was warm, the breeze was light and sun was beaming through the trees. It was, most definitely, a perfect day!

Steve had called me earlier in the afternoon to let me know that he had a meeting that was going to go a bit later and to just head home…that he would see me there. We normally touch base every evening before leaving work and it felt strange not to hear his voice before leaving the office.

I remember thinking to myself as I approached our apartment that we should go out for dinner or dessert or at least do something to celebrate and enjoy how amazing this summer day. We had had a pretty busy summer up until then; we had just moved into our new apartment a few months earlier and I had just changed jobs a few weeks earlier…so a lot of our time involved adjusting to a new routine and getting used to a lot of changes, albeit good ones. It seemed like the perfect occasion to take a breather from our usual schedules and indulgence in the very best of summer.

Steve had other plans though…

As I walked up the stairs to our top floor apartment, I could hear music coming from our living room and it made me wonder if we had forgotten to turn off the radio before leaving home that morning. As I opened the door, Steve popped his head out from the kitchen…smiled and said hi! Clearly confused (because he was supposed to be a meeting), I merely stood in my tracks wondering what I had missed. As I looked around the room, I quickly realized that Steve’s presence wasn’t the only thing that seemed out of place; our apartment was filled with the smell of his famous lasagna; there were a dozen roses on our table in the hallway; our bed was covered with rose petals and our entire apartment was lit with candles. Before I even had the chance to understand what was happening, my beloved was on one knee with the most beautiful diamond ring I had ever seen. I don’t honestly remember what he said but I remember being speechless because there were no words…only him. Only my Steve…my love…my fiancé!

And here I thought that I was just walking home that day and going out for dinner when really, I was going home and walking right into a fairytale.

a wrestler named jacob...

I’ve been realizing this week just how immature I often still feel in my faith. While I may be turning a year older in a couple of days, I don’t feel like I’ve made the same progress regarding my wisdom. I still worry a lot. I still panic a lot. I still fight the elements a lot. I still would rather talk to God than listen to Him. I still argue with God all the time and often mistake His “not yet” for “no” (and then throw a five year old temper tantrum when I don’t get my way). Most of all though, I still have a really hard time letting go; letting go of the things that I can’t control, letting go of the desire to know the unknown, letting go of the people who have hurt or disappointed me, letting go of my fears and insecurities and letting go of the notion that no matter how much I try to “will” it otherwise…bad things still happen. I have a hard time letting go.

I’m amazed sometimes at how much I am able to lose control (the little amount that I do actually have). My world becomes a fog of anxiety and while I act like time is standing still, it still moves along at its steady pace leaving me looking back, days later, wondering what I did with it. And the reality is that not only do I let this happen…but I make this happen. I make this chaos around me. I make the energy of panic swirl around me in a dense cloud of doom not unlike the funnel clouds that I used to see every summer as a little girl. They too created a deep panic in me that I couldn’t quite shake.

I often spend entire days begging God to help me trust Him more…to take away my despair towards a situation that hasn’t even happened yet (and often never does). And yet I still fight. Just like Jacob, I fight determined to prove to God that I am right and that I ultimately know best. Needless to say that I never win, instead, I make the waiting unbearable with my own rationale and logic (that’s usually drenched with emotion instead of faith).

How do others do it? How do they find that ability to take the possibility of broken hearts and broken dreams, and hand it over for someone else to bear the weight? How did Jacob learn to stop wrestling in the dirt with God all the time? How does someone gain maturity in their faith at the same pace that we gain candles on our cake? When do the answers start coming faster than the questions?

All of this to say that for my birthday, I would like my name to be changed to Israel. It seemed to work nicely for Jacob!!

collecting dust...

I got a very funny email a little while ago that still makes me laugh any time I think about it; it was very short and sweet…saying only “I really love your pictures! Don’t forget that you still owe me a novel though!”

I have to admit that my book has indeed taken a major backseat to my latest endeavor. I only just checked my helium account for the first time today in probably three months. I was pleased to see that three of my articles are still ranked number one! I knew going into this that I wouldn’t have the same time to write as before. I knew that the learning curve would be high and that the business aspect alone would be all consuming but I didn’t realize how much I would miss it. I didn’t realize how much of myself I sorted out here…how much of my self was literally sprawled out on this screen.

Even my journal, that I literally carry with me everywhere I go, has sat unloved in my bag for months without so much as even a date scribbled in it. I can’t really remember a time when I would go more than a day or so without writing; either here, in my journal or to a friend. It’s amazing how much life alters in little ways when you remove such a large component of your day to day living.

So I’ve decided that I’m going to spend my lunch hour on my own today and crack open my journal again. I have so much to write about and no idea where to start so I’ll start with the most obvious place…Starbucks! That should put me in the mood!!! I’ll take my peppermint half-caf (because I’m still purging!) mocha and let the words flow out of me.

And hopefully, with any luck, that will lead to a few more of them here too!

bad gen...

I know…I know…you don’t need to tell me twice; I’m a bad blogger! BUT…to be fair, I’m only a bad blogger because I’m (at least somewhat) a good photographer!

But I did get my wrist slapped today for not “respecting my readership” enough to give you something other than the cute little horse to look at! My bad! So here I am…despite my writer’s block, with my sad attempt at keeping you informed!

We actually only just got back yesterday from our quick little trip to Tilbury and Port Elgin. Steve’s cousin, Sarah, got married last Saturday and we were all there to pay our tribute to Michael Jackson on their dance floor (even Grandma Smyth got her groove on…which is the first that I’ve seen!). Then it was off to Port Elgin to visit Colin and Sandra for a couple of days before making our way back to Ottawa. It actually took us nine painful hours in the car to get home yesterday. How sad is that?!?! This leads me to conclude that I despise two things; construction season and eighty-year-old women who drive ten kilometers below the speed limit. It’s infuriating. Not to mention that we hit Ottawa just in time to for rush hour which meant that it took us another forty-five minutes just to cross town.

On a happy note though; Tugger is still alive and well! He was a bit pissed that we left him for a week (don’t go calling the SPCA…we did leave him in the very capable hands of my father while we were gone!) and then eventually his grumpiness turned into an inability to walk anywhere without being glued to our ankles. Felines are so predictable!!!

Also, I returned home to receive word of four more confirmed photo shoots and another inquiry. I am officially booked solid until mid-September now with two more weddings, an engagement shoot, another maternity shoot, a family session and a couple more surprises that I’m not allowed to mention just yet (because the pictures are a surprise for someone!). I have to say that it was a pretty great way to come home!

I’m kind of surprised that I forgot to mention this sooner but, I’ve decided to go on a caffeine purge! I’ve been drinking oodles of coffee lately because of the crazy late nights that I’ve been pulling editing pictures and recently decided that I’m not cool with that! Coffee is okay…but sleep is better! Tilbury and Port Elgin provided the perfect places to start my purge because there isn’t a Starbucks anywhere within forty minutes of either place. As my reward though for not having coffee for an entire week, we stopped at the Starbucks in the Blue Mountains for a double chocolate chip blended cream frappuccino; the most calorie laden drink ever made but…completely caffeine free!!!!

As anyone who has ever kicked a habit knows very well; you need to substitute your previous behaviour with something new. In my case, I replaced coffee with vampires! That’s right…I caved and started reading Twilight! I’m about three quarters of the way through the first book right now and I’ll admit; I like it! I don’t “read-all-four-books-in-one-week-the-way-Jamie-did” like it…but it’s certainly charming in its own blood sucking kind of way! I don’t think that I’ll continue to read the other three books but then again, I said that about the first one too! I guess only time and caffeine withdrawal will tell!

It’s my birthday next week! That came as a bit of a surprise to me when my sister-in-law gave me an early birthday card while we were in Tilbury because my birthday being around the corner means that the second half of July is also just around the corner…which really blows my mind.

Perhaps my birthday resolution will be to post here more often…?!?!? Or not?!?! Two blogs sounds like a lot of work for a thirty-one year old!!!!

speaking of which...

The pictures from the below mentioned post are now ready and can I just say that baby horses rock my world!!!!

Check them out here.

god bless camera phones...

Ugh…so I don’t have too much time to blog because I’m in a state of “über editing” as I like to call it! I’m in the process of editing three different photo shoots, all of which were incredibly fun and all of which I want to see the results RIGHT NOW!

One of them though was out in rural Ottawa with some very photogenic horses! Yeah for me! Not only did we have a blast but the day got somewhat documented by another camera that happen to be on hand.

So I wanted to post of couple of pictures of me hard at work and out in the sticks!! You’ll be able to see the final photos from this shoot over at my photo blog hopefully within the next week or so but in the meantime, both wedding slideshows are now up! Whew…what a month!

Thanks Shawn for having such a wicked camera phone!!!

one hundred years of solitude...

I think that I’ve mentioned on more than one occasion about my need to have time and space to myself. I’m pretty sure that this is a result of being an only child and never having been forced to share either if I didn’t want to. My regular routine has generally included numerous hours of reading or writing on my own without the obligations and responsibilities of the outside world.

Now, having said that, those days seem to have come and gone!!!! In fact, I have never been busier or worked harder in my entire life than I have during the past two months and with that, my solitary hours of “nothing-ness” have become a thing of the past!! Much to my own surprise though, I don’t seem to mind too much. There is the odd Monday morning meltdown (“ugh…is it Monday already?!?!”) but otherwise, my stamina has been holding out rather well despite the fact that my body wants to sleep for an entire week!

Knowing all too well that my days of solitude and leisurely summer reading have gone the way of high school summer breaks, I’ve been trying to find a way to incorporate the days I once knew with the days I now have. So far, it’s been a lot of bringing my laptop to work and enjoying my lunch hour Starbucks whilst I edit photos. But I’ve had to be more creative lately because the pace has picked up and I now find myself juggling photo shoots and needing even more time in order to make sure that they don’t pile up too much!! So yesterday, after spending the afternoon shooting the most adorable of one year olds, I parked myself on my living room floor, turned on season four of Sex & the City and continued working on my other two shoots in the company of my favourite New York City girls! It was lovely! I can’t believe that I hadn’t thought it earlier!!

Ergonomic…shmergonomic!! Mental health is far more important than good posture!!

the dark side of facebook...

I’ve concluded that you don’t ever really know someone that until you’ve seen their Facebook profile! Okay, that’s not true but I am realizing that when it comes to people that you are acquainted with, their cyber world can and does become a very revealing place.

I recently became “friends” with someone that I’ve known since late last year. She is seriously one of the most stunning of stunning girls that I’ve ever met! She should be on a Calvin Klein poster somewhere and come to think of it…I have no doubt that she actually will one day! I never realized though just how little I really knew about her until I creeped onto her profile page to get a glimpse into her “real life”. From the stories that she would tell me, I always knew that life was far more adventurous than mine had ever been but I only just discovered that that’s putting it very midly!!!

So, not only has she received the lion’s share of beauty in this world but, she’s also visited every continent in the world; lived on three of them; been accepted to two Ivy League schools; worked as a photographer for a modeling agency; begun work on her own upcoming photography exhibit and is in the midst of debating which Ph.D. would suit her best.

Did I mention that she’s twenty years old…?!?!

Seriously, I don’t think that I can be friends with her anymore!!! That’s simply too much magnificence to read about first thing in the morning!!!!

Note to self: only read about gorgeous, brilliant, cultured, talented, twenty year olds who can use the words “post-modernism” and “neuropsychology” in the same sentence when tequila is well within arm’s reach! Ugh!

too many memories...

So apparently, the wrath of 2009 has caught up with me and I have post-traumatic stress. I haven’t been sleeping well for the last little while and certain things seem to trigger panic attacks in me of the likes that I haven’t experienced in years.

The night that I first discovered the lump was a Thursday. It was one of the first really warm days of the season and we had just been out for a walk. The sun had gone down, the windows were open and the night air was still really comfortable. We had been in our bedroom laughing about something and the television was playing some rerun of a sitcom. Our cat was playing on our bed with a green blanket that had just come out of the dryer. I could hear the neighbors outside and the busyness of everyone relishing summer for the first time in many months. I am finding that any of these memories, aligned in just the right way, end up flooding me with an overwhelming feeling of recognition that I can’t quite shake. It brings me to tears, it brings me to my knees and it brings me to a place that I would rather not remember over and over again.

The day that we received the call saying that I was healthy was a Monday. It too was an unusually warm day and the wind was blowing through in a sometimes violent manner. Dozens of little kids were outside preparing for soccer practices and neighbors were out walking their dogs. Tugger was stretched out in a ray of sun across our kitchen floor. I can remember the smell of someone nearby barbecuing ribs and the sound of a lawnmower. The days were getting longer and the anticipation of summer was getting nearer. But these things don’t matter because I am still locked in Thursday and the perpetually slow speed at which Monday seemed to find its way to us.

Fortunately, one of the top specialists in the region for treating post-traumatic stress is right here in Ottawa and also fortunately, my particular case has become enough of a priority that I am not forced the endure the four or five month waiting list that most people are being subjected to. Instead, I will spend the next three months, starting today, being treated for a wound that happened in a moment.

My new project this summer is going to extend beyond my photography or my writing or planning our trip to Italy; it’s going to include learning to cope with life after seeing a scarier side of it; It’s going to include learning to find joy in places despite my found realization that they can be gone in an instant; It’s going to include being brave enough to stare down my worst nightmare and not let it haunt me in my dreams anymore.

It’s going to include being happy again.