a gift from my son...

Five weeks. That’s what’s left; five weeks. In five weeks our son is due. In five weeks, I'll become a Mother and we'll become a family. That’s an awfully short amount of time when you consider that pretty soon a human being will come into this world relying on us for its very survival.

Five weeks.

I thought that when I became pregnant, I would be here more often. I thought that I would find myself writing far more frequently about the experience of carrying a child and the anticipation of becoming a parent. Instead, I found myself simply enjoying the various stages of being pregnant far more than wanting to document it. We haven’t really taken too many pictures and I’ve only posted a handful of blogs about it but that being said, we have taken time every single night for the past eight months to “spend” with our son…to consciously pay attention to his growth, his movements, his existence that is our blessing.

Looking back though, the one thing that I thought I would be forced to address more during this time was the physical changes that come with being pregnant. I’m quite certain that all women go into pregnancy knowing that their bodies will change…but I went into pregnancy anticipating that I would have a lot of difficulty coping with that change. Even though it has improved significantly over the past number of years, my relationship with my body hasn’t always been as healthy as it could be. On many occasions, I have felt betrayed by my body for reasons that have been completely illogical and for reasons that stem farther back than I care to remember. But being pregnant has been far less of a psychological struggle than I thought it would be…and I’m extremely grateful for that. Somehow, in the midst of the past eight months, I have been in a constant state of being able to remind myself just how much of a miracle creating a life really is and so far, my body has done an incredible job of making that happen.

Don’t get me wrong, I still have my anxieties about what my body will be like once our son comes into the world; how it will recover, how it will look (not just to me but also to my husband), how I will adjust “post-baby” and a plethora of other things that run wildly amok in the place that I laughingly call my mind! Those thoughts are still there and they still choose to make themselves at home but somehow, I find myself better able to regain my perspective and sense of center. And it usually happens when our little man moves around and reminds me, yet again, that my body isn’t just carrying another life right now…it’s creating another life; a life that will soon go beyond just him and I, a life that will intrinsically be intertwined in our own and most certainly, a life that will forever matter far more to me than the number of inches affiliated with my waist.

So, what does this mean for you dear readers? Well, I may need to you to remind me of this blog post three months from now in the event that I come back here complaining about my abs that don’t quite look the same!!! Remind me that there was a time when my little boy’s hiccups made me appreciate what my body could do instead of what it looked like.

Already, he's given me the greatest gift of all...and he's not even here yet...

amazing grace...

I keep forgetting to mention it here but, Steve and I have actually changed churches. Well, maybe changed isn’t really the appropriate word. Perhaps chosen is a bit better. We’ve finally chosen a church!

As most of you know, I am Catholic and Steve is Protestant. These are our technical labels but really, neither one of us really considers our faith denominational in any way. We love God and God loves us…regardless of what building we spend our Sunday mornings in. That being said though, for nearly five years, we’ve been splitting ourselves between two churches in order to share our faith among both of our religions. We’ve enjoyed both places but we’ve also felt like we could never really commit to either as long as we were trying to commit to both.

We have decided to stop attending my Catholic church and have committed to a more Biblically based teaching church that isn’t really denominational in any way. If they had to, I’m sure that they would say that they fall under the umbrella of the Protestant faith but their joy lies in simply loving God.

It’s hard to say what swayed us one way instead of the other and the decision was especially hard for me because I truly found God in the Catholic Church and the idea of not returning there every week was a struggle for me. But ultimately, I think that it came down to grace and what could help us grow spiritually as a couple.

I’ve been thinking a lot about grace lately because I think it’s something that sadly, our churches are really lacking these days. In my humble opinion, grace is the one thing that Christians should be embracing more than anything else and further more, teaching the world how to bestow it onto to others. Grace is something that I want our son to learn and grace is also something that I want our son to be surrounded with as he grows up in what can be a very unforgiving world. In order to do so though, we must lead by example and provide him with those surroundings.

I personally know a lot of people who would say the church’s lack of grace is the very reason not to belong to it; that it is just one of the many hypocrisies of organized religion but I have to wonder if running at the simple sight of a flawed design or discomfort is really the way to go…if it’s really the way to make the world a better place? I was having a rather heated “discussion” with someone who felt that religion was simply the crutch of a depleting society and wanted to know where God was during the simpler times; during the morning rush or the evening commute home? My immediate thought was that instead of turning your back on religion because you’re not seeing the arms and eyes of grace during your bus trip home at night…why not be the arms and eyes of grace on that bus instead of waiting for it to appear elsewhere? Why not be the smiling face or the person that gives up their seat for someone else? Grace can only exist because we enable it to…

And this brings us back to our decision to switch churches and the role that grace has played in that decision making; the bottom line is that I want to know God. I want to share in that knowing with my husband and I want our son to know God. But I also want to know God’s grace and to be in a position to teach it to my son, at least to the very best of my abilities. I want to be in a place of loving God instead of always trying to please God (which, let’s face it, simply can’t happen!) and I need the proper place to help nurture that growth in me. One place opened its arms of grace to us more than the other. Not to say that grace didn’t exist in both places…but I do believe that it wasn’t being equally practiced in both.

And so after having struggled with the decision for many months, I reminded myself that God can live in many places at one time…including a place that is different from where I first fell in love with Him.

It’s been a couple of months now since we’ve starting attending our new church exclusively and it’s been wonderful. It’s been filled with worship and gratitude and yes…a unified walk towards grace. It’s been a walk that has helped us to recognize love and peace in the most unlikely of circumstances and to appreciate our place and our purpose in this world…even when it can’t stop swirling around us.

For all of the indecision and the struggle to find my place for the devotion I want to give…I am left with only this: I love my church!

lemonade stand...

I've just come back from church where we're currently studying the Book of Galatians...a truly amazing and beautiful portion of the Bible. We took some time out of our service to pray and be silent for the people, the aid workers, the churches and the Gospel in Haiti. We've made our way our home in the unexpectedly brisk Sunday morning air and are about to indulge in an afternoon of NFL playoffs (perhaps a bit more indulgent for Steve than for myself...but nonetheless...GO SAN DIEGO!), some afternoon reading, perhaps a nap interspersed here and there and all the other glorious things that I love about Sundays!

The upcoming week is going to be a very busy one but for right now...it's still Sunday!

I wanted to hop on the computer briefly before having lunch and after our delightful "date with Jesus" this morning, our spontaneous trip to Chapters (Elizabeth Gilbert's new book is out...so exciting!) and my delicious Starbucks in hand...I really didn't think that today could get much better! But low and behold...

I went online this morning to discover that my tiny little corner of cyberspace has been bestowed with the Lemonade Stand Award by my ever so brilliant writer and blogger friend, The Nerdy Nomad!


I was quite humbled to discover that the Lemonade Stand is awarded to bloggers who show great attitude and gratitude, and there just a few rules for accepting this wonderful award:

• Put the Lemonade logo on your blog or within your post.

• Nominate atleast 10 other blogs with great attitude or gratitude.

• Link the nominees within your post.

• Let the nominees know they have received this award by commenting on their blog.

• Share the love and link to the person from whom you received this award.

So, now that I've been awarded, it's time to pass the torch to ten of my favourite bloggers!

• 1001 Days In the Life
• Chez Nadia
• The Patron Saint of Perpetual Dynamite
• Life's Little Wonders
• Upon A Smile
• Mom To The 6th
• Quiet Laughter
• Me and Mr. Hodgkins (OUTSTANDING blog!)
• Inside Jamie
• Sammy Oxendahl Photography

So here's to you, great bloggers, who - for a variety of reasons - keep me thinking, and laughing, and smiling and of course, grateful!

Enjoy!

baby pool time...

Ladies and Gentlemen...it's time to start placing your bets!

Baby Smyth is going to be making his arrival soon but the question is...when exactly?!?!

Start submitting your guesses for the date and time of our little man's arrival and whoever is closest WINS (and you'll win more than just bragging rights!)!

My official due date is March 5th...

As Mom-to-be, I'm betting that he arrives just in time to interrupt our viewing of the Olympic Gold Medal Hockey Game!!

Happy Guessing!

p.s. Be thankful that Steve isn't in charge of coordinating this because his suggestion included having the winner pay for our little guy's education!!!!

bring it...

Ummmm…it’s 2010! I realize that it has been 2010 for nearly a week already but the fact that it’s 2010 means that we are no longer having a baby next year…it means that we are having a baby THIS year. And not only are we having a baby this year…but are due to have a baby in less than two months! Does anyone else find this altogether too strange?!?!

If I were superstitious, which I sometimes can be, and considered the rolling over of the new year to be a direct reflection of the year to come, then ours will be one of total laziness (which, as indulgent as that sounds, I highly doubt is going to be the case!!)! Steve and I enjoyed a much needed date for our new year’s eve which included a movie, the final shootout between the Canada and U.S. junior hockey teams (you’re still golden in my eyes Canada!) and an uneventful countdown in bed with our books and our favourite feline. It was delightful! Steve then spent all of new year’s day on the couch finishing his book while I sat in the dining room with Michael Buble as we did an online recap of the year gone by! Oh, and it also included pancakes with whipped cream!!! Again…delightful!

The irony of all this though is that it’s been my only lazy day since! I have not seen even the slightest glimpse of laziness since new year’s day came to an end! Part of it is certainly my own doing given that I feel the idea to be as organized as possible now in order to better handle the inevitable chaos later but nonetheless…I am up to four to-do lists! FOUR! Isn’t there rules against stuff like that?!?!

All this to say that I haven’t forgotten about you blog land…I’m just multi-tasking…with a vengeance!

In the meantime, I’m putting together a playlist in order to promote the musical education of our son…and I’m open to suggestions!

Bring it…

olympic fever...

So not only is Christmas just around the corner...but so is the Olympics and I.can't.wait.

I can't tell you enough how much I love the Olympics! It's the one time every couple of years when I park myself in front of the television for hours on end in a mad attempt to catch as much of it live as possible. I just love the joy, the excitement, the patriotism and the way it seems to bring the whole world together.

I actually went to school with the intention of working for the Olympics and quickly realized that a life on the Olympic committee conflicted greatly with my home-body personality and the Olympics ended up being better enjoyed from the comforts of my living room instead! Meh...it seemed like a good idea at the time!

Luckily for me, my maternity leave happens to be timed quite conveniently with the opening ceremonies which may mean a couple of weeks of uninterrupted Olympic watching on HD!!!! Way to go Baby Boy Smyth!!

Anyways, with the Olympics only being a few short months away, this past weekend we welcomed the Olympic Torch Relay to the Nation's Capital and it was the absolute perfect winter weekend to do so! Roughly a hundred different runners carried it through our city and the enthusiasm it created was palpable! Every where you turned, someone had Olympic fever...most of all, myself!

So Steve and I bundled up, headed out in the cold to greet the Flame as it crossed the bridge from Quebec to Ottawa and contributed our bit of Olympic spirit to the nation wide excitement! As it turns out, we managed to cross paths with it four times throughout the day instead of just the once which just kept the party going...

Below is a great YouTube video put together of the Flame's visit to Ottawa, as well as a couple of highlights from our day!!

~~~

Bryan Murray (GM of the Ottawa Senators) & I, waiting for the Flame to arrive...

The Flame making its way down from Nepean Point...

The hand over...

The scene in the ByWard Market later that afternoon...

YouTube video (and great virtual tour of Ottawa!!!)...

I'd like to thank the academy...

So, somehow, with me barely noticing it…I entered my third trimester with “Lil’ Fisher” (as he’s being lovingly dubbed by Aunt Lindsay!)! We have less than three months left before our little man makes his appearance and I feel the need to mention how overwhelmed I am at how loved he is…and not just by us.

This little boy, that we have yet to meet, has been spoiled rotten with love and affection already in every way imaginable. And Steve and I are the least guilty of the culprits so far!!

I get that pregnancy isn’t easy for everybody (including me at times as I barfed all over Italy this summer!!!) but I still can’t help but relish in how much fun it is! I can’t help but wake up every morning and think “Oh man…there is a little person growing in there!!” Seriously…it blows my mind! Steve and I spend a good chunk of our evenings laughing at his elbow drops and somersaults and given how active he is, he has proven to provide endless entertainment for my colleagues on a daily basis!!

All in all…he cracks me up!

As do pre-natal classes for that matter!! Actually, with all due respect to the City of Ottawa and their nurses who are assigned the task of explaining to us “where babies come from”…but pre-natal classes are painful to sit through!!! In fact, I’m kind of surprised that we didn’t get kicked out for being little shit disturbers! But really, how is anyone expected to sit through these classes with a straight face when you have a middle-aged nurse with her fly down, explaining the likes of labour with a foam pelvis?!?! Let’s be fair!

And then there was the lesson on “skin-to-skin”; the new school of thought that some hospitals are taking regarding your first contact with your baby after birth (blanket vs. direct skin contact). I have to wonder why they came up with that name above all others because isn’t “skin-to-skin” what got us into this pre-natal class in the first place?!?!?

On another note…we’ve chosen a name (don’t ask…we’re not telling!) and I LOVE IT!

My biggest (and only) objection with having a boy was that Steve and I, in all the years that we’ve been together, were never able to agree on a name in the event that we had a son instead of a daughter. So when we first found out, all I could envision were constant “vetoes” being thrown around the house as we plowed our way through the alphabet! And it was actually like that for a little while…so much so that the name “veto” started to sound somewhat appealing!!

But then we found it…and it’s amazing! I can’t wait to share it with you in due time!

So I’ll end off this rather long-winded post with a few well deserved thank-yous;

Thank you City of Ottawa for providing us with some of the very best laughs of our adult life as we sat through the twenty year old, over dubbed video on breast-feeding. Classic!

Thank you to Virgin Radio and its morning show for giving us the best.name.ever. We’ll be sure to make you a part of his musical education when he turns eighteen and the echo of your on-air sexual innuendos stop being a reason for social services to make a visit to our house!

And lastly…thank you to our friends and family for loving our son so much. He’s seriously the luckiest little guy ever…

excuses, excuses...

Being pregnant makes me sleepy.

Being sleepy makes it hard to blog.

Blame my son!

daily guidance...

A colleague of mine has this great love affair with new age philosophy. She has a very strong belief that our energy and thoughts manifest themselves into our reality, hence happier thoughts create a happier life! I am certainly not one to dispute this! Obviously though, coming from a more religious stand point, I don’t believe this in the same way. Then again, maybe it is all the same at the end of the day but either way, I enjoy hearing her talk about it and practice it.

One day she brought to work a stack of “Oracle Angel Cards”; it’s a box of 100 cards that you shuffle in your hands and, word has it, that as you shuffle them, your energy fuses the cards. After you’ve shuffled them, you’re supposed to pick a card from the deck and whatever card you pull is suppose to provide you with the necessary wisdom that you need at that time. Since their arrival in our office, they have become part of our morning routine! We all gather around her desk, coffees in hand, chat about our evening and take turns pulling our angel card!

I have to admit that the cards I tend to pull usually seem to have a rather unnerving relevance to my life at the time and there are moments in which I scrunch up my face and think to myself “stupid angels…think they know everything!” but surely enough, I keep coming back for more!

I spent this past weekend taking a mental vacation from all things work related; I slept in, took lots of naps, had lunch out, went to the movies, did some Christmas shopping and over all, just spent some good quality time not working. Starting a new business hasn’t left me much free time over the past eight months so it was a welcome reprieve from the routine that has developed over the course of this year. And after having made some pretty heavy decisions regarding my future… “checking out” for the weekend was just what the doctor ordered!

It’s intriguing being at such a crossroad in my life; leaving one career path behind in exchange for another…and it feels strange…and exciting…and scary…and, at times, downright crazy! I’m leaving the life that I’ve always known behind for one that I’ve always dreamed of and hoped for and it’s really easy to ask yourself if you’re making the right decision. I know that I am, but it doesn’t stop the question from rearing its ugly head every now and then!

That’s why I was quite relieved that after having spent much too long knee deep in decision making, I ended up pulling the following card this morning:

Change in Direction

The changes you’re experiencing are Divinely directed by your newborn willingness to open your heart to love and our guidance. You are protected now and in the future, so follow your path to the happy outcomes your desire.

This card signifies that you’ve had a change of heart that has altered the direction of your life in a positive way. Your old ways of living no longer interest you, and you find yourself avoiding friends and pastimes that previously attracted you. You desire a lifestyle and career that will better fit your new interests and passions. The angels are guiding you through this time of transition. The Law of Attraction insures that you’ll manifest wonderful new opportunities and relationships.

Additional meanings for this card: You’re starting a new phase of your life ~ The birth of a new projects is in the works ~ Pregnancy, birth, or the adoption of a child is possible ~ A new element in your life is a blessing, even if it doesn’t make sense right now.

~~~

Now, if only Oracle cards were legally binding in the province of Ontario!!!

just so we're clear...

...it's never too early to start the propaganda!!!

falling down the rabbit hole...

I saw a lady running with her dog and a stroller this morning as Steve and I drove into to work. It hasn’t snowed yet in Ottawa but our mornings are very calm and frost covered these days. I’m always envious of those people that I see who are leisurely drinking their coffee or out taking a morning stroll as we are making our way into the office. While I’ve never really been much of a morning person, I have always enjoyed it once my senses manage to catch up with the rest of me but I’ve never really had the chance to be “that person” because I’ve been too busy pursuing my life at an office…in front of computer…with annual salaries and health benefits.

I once read that most of us spend our days doing jobs that simply aren’t big enough for our spirits. Actually, at the time I kind of felt like it had been written just for me! I’ve struggled with this idea of “out growing my job” for some time but that being said, I also strongly believe that there is a practical side to life that can’t be overlooked. Education, homes, weddings, vacations…the experiences of life don’t come cheap and I think that it’s more than a worthwhile investment to spend some time considering how you’re going to pay for them because let’s face it, regardless of the type of relationship you have with money…the economics of the world aren’t going anywhere.

So this brings us back to this morning and my state of envy. I’ve never been built for a nine to five life. I’m good at it and I’m quite blessed to be able to do it in what is, quite frankly, one of the most beautiful places in the country, but nonetheless, it’s still not the nature that is my beast. Since graduating university, I’ve worked very hard at gaining new experiences, building a financial foundation with that experience and doing my best to make the whole process as pleasurable as possible. And I think that I’ve done a good job because it has been a lot of fun; I’ve learned amazing new things, experienced first hand some of the most profound times in the history of politics and the fine arts, and most importantly, I have met some of the most extraordinary people that I know will be in my life for all the rest of my days. So most definitively, it has been eight years very well spent.

As we both looked out the car window at the woman jogging along side us, Steve smiled at me and said “don’t worry…that’s going to be you pretty soon” and that’s when I realized that he was right…that things are changing. It’s kind of a strange and unique time in our life because not only are we expecting our baby in a few months but my business has begun to grow in a way that deserves some serious consideration on our part. We are starting to consider that we may be done putting in our time of being practical. We are starting to consider that the financial stability of an “ideal” job may not be worth the cost of feeling creatively caged. We are starting to consider that it might just be time…

I am officially already booked to photograph weddings next summer and the inquiries are continuing to roll in. We are currently working with design companies to start producing albums for clients and I’m in the midst of hiring second shooters. This is a blessing that far exceeds any of our most hopeful expectations for my photography. I will, of course, be limiting the amount of work that I do next year in order to spend lots of time with the new man in my life but we’ve agreed that the degree of interest in my work right now can’t be overlooked and it’s led us towards the appeal of trading in my government clearance for days spent behind a camera.

Believe me when I say that the idea of leaving my full-time permanent position with a crown corporation in order to take a giant leap into the unknown of being self-employed is nothing short of terrifying. But it also begs the question of whether or not anything is quite as terrifying as turning your back on something that makes you blissfully happy, regardless of the potential uncertainty? Is it worth turning down the cumulative interest of living more genuinely for a better pension plan and an annual Christmas party?

I really don’t think so and never before in my life have I ever been more drawn to the edge of uncertainty. For someone who’s always choosing to play it safe, I’m deciding for the first time to play it passionately.

And truth be told, I have no idea what will come of it. I may succeed…I may fail. But either way, I am certainly going to enjoy spending my mornings on the other side of the car door!

life on paper...

Many, many years ago, a dear friend of mine gave me a journal for my birthday. I’ve had many journals in my life but none of them have ever “stuck”. They all sit in my night stand now with a page or two filled out. For some reason, something about them just didn’t feel right. This one was perfect though. It was brown with a leather cover, lined, gold-trimmed pages and the best part of all; my friend actually filled the first page for me knowing that that was always the hardest part for me! She filled it with beautiful words about our friendship, our lives, our memories and then ended it off with a little reminder that, if nothing else, I at least owed it to my future children to put my life on paper.

That was five years ago and now I only have four pages left.

I don’t know how many pages are in this journal but I have spent five years filling every page of it with my most intimate thoughts. I can honestly say that I never leave the house without it. I grab my journal long before I hunt down my keys or my wallet. It’s been with me through getting engaged, getting married, joining a new family, finding new friends, letting go of other friends, buying a house, seeing the world, leaving jobs, starting new ones, being afraid, being uplifted, praising God, yelling at God, and of course, becoming pregnant. Ironically enough though, all of this “record keeping” for my future children means that this journal won’t be the one to record the day that he ultimately comes into our life!

The dilemma that I find myself conflicted with is what to do with it now that it’s done?

I’m certainly not ready to have anyone read it and in all honesty, I may never be. But I’m also not ready to leave it sitting dormant somewhere only to get forgotten about. One of my colleagues said that she has a box at home that a friend entrusted to her for safe keeping. She said that she’s had it sitting in her bedroom closet for years so she can play guardian over it; protect it from the wrong hands and yet ensure that its memory never dies. She has no idea what’s in it, how long she’ll have it or why her cats seem to like it so much (!!) but all she knows is that when the time is right, whenever that may be, her friend will want it back. It’s really quite eloquent and romantic in its own way, and something that I will certainly give some thought to. Until then though, it will remain under my arm as my most important travel companion.

But speaking of journals and the number four…this is also my four hundredth post!

C.RA.ZY.

Thanks to everyone for their interest in a seemingly uninteresting life!

baby update...

Here we are folks...twenty-two weeks in and only four months away!!! For the many, many (!!) people who have been desperately requesting update pictures...I won't keep you waiting any longer...

Our baby boy at 18 weeks...

and our baby belly at 19 weeks...

Don't be deceived by these pictures though...I'm a total tank now!!

the flip side...

I started working on Parliament Hill the week after 9/11. I was starting a new job in the one of the most heated environments in the country at the time and to say that anxiety lurked in every corner was certainly a bit of an understatement. Tension and sadness was every where. No one knew what to make of everything that had just happened and our world just looked different.

Being a political assistant, one of the components of my job was to take all of the constituent calls coming in for the Member of Parliament and doing so with an unbiased opinion or political position. My job was to sit in the one of the most emotional charged places while remaining in a nonpartisan position.

I know that this is going to come off sounding somewhat ridiculous for someone that spent nearly four years walking the halls of Parliament Hill…but I don’t actually care much for politics! While I understand, respect and appreciate its role, I also believe that our country holds itself to a certain societal standard that can withstand even the most tumultuous of political hurricanes.

This “at-an-arm’s-length-from-the-political-stratosphere” belief system does have a few exceptions though…and war is one of them…

I have a hard time with war. I have a hard time understanding war and I have a hard time believing in war. I know that there are reasons that are beyond my comprehension because as I’ve mentioned here before, history is always written by the winners; those who are left standing and can tell the story…usually while leaving the other side out. So I do understand that there are reasons beyond what I can see; rights, safety, responsibility to help those who can’t necessarily help themselves. But no matter how much I rationalize this in my head…all I can think about is the loss; the loss of innocence, the loss of life, the loss of decency. There is so much extraordinary loss…and that, in turn, becomes the other side of the story.

The week that I started my new job was that the same week that our Prime Minister at the time, Mr. Jean Chretien, declared that Canada would not be joining President Bush’s War on Terrorism. I’ve always been a big fan of Mr. Chretien but I’ve never been as proud of him as I was on that day!

Allow me to apologize now if I happen to offend of my U.S. readers (or Canadian readers for that matter) but I just need to say that for whatever impact President Bush may have had on my views regarding war, he lost me entirely when he stated that “you’re either with us or you’re against us”. No matter how strong the argument may be or how tragic the events leading up it; war is simply not black or white.

I can only speak for myself when I say that such a statement made me feel bullied. It made me feel like some big kid at school was trying to back me into a corner and threatening to steal my lunch money every day if I didn’t join the after school fight that was about to happen in the playground. And I’m not trying to imply that this war was or is a childish battle of kids fighting over sand in sandbox…I’m just trying to say that ultimatums aren’t often very effective…even when you are the biggest kid in school.

So allow me to backtrack once again to 2001, the week following Mr. Chretien’s statement. I was being riddled with phone calls in the office from constituents wanting to share their views regarding his decision. Some were angry, some were happy and others just sat on the phone and cried. It was a hard week. That Friday afternoon, around 4:15pm, a gentleman called to express his outrage at Mr. Chretien’s decision and how he should be forced to step down as Prime Minister because he’d become a disgrace to our country.

I had been taking in people’s emotions for two weeks now and I had been forced to politely sit there responding as though I was one of the few that had somehow been immunized from the effects of what was going on around me. This could only go on for so long. So after listening to him literally yell at me on the phone for twenty minutes, the nonpartisan, unbiased side of me began to fade away and the well bred debater in me began to emerge. We began to chat for a little while…we began to ask questions. We stopped being a constituent and a political office and started being two people facing the prospect of war. I asked him if he had any children…he said yes; a son and a daughter. I asked him if either of them were in the military; he said no. I asked him if he would still support this war to the same degree if either of them were going to be the ones to fight it; he was silent…and he was appalled.

I had apparently just flown the emotional equivalent of a terrorist piloted plane into his argument and now a different kind of war had begun.

He just hung up on me. No other words. No retaliation. He was just gone.

I didn’t ask him these questions to be rude or disrespectful; I asked them because I felt that it was too easy to see this battle as nothing more than a political statement when it is in fact a war that someone has to fight. And that someone might be somebody’s brother or sister; mother or father; wife or husband…but at the very least, that someone is always somebody’s child. And not all of those children are going to come home.

It’s easier to support a war when you know that you won’t be the one receiving a phone call in the middle of the night or holding the flag once draped over a casket. But that’s what war really is; when you peel away all of the political agendas, media frenzies, economic impacts and cloaks of good intention…you have somebody’s child. And that’s always what the real question should be; would you be willing to sacrifice your child to this cause…because that’s very well what you may end up doing?

I think that this is as good a time as any to mention that while I may not support the need to send people to war, I do recognize the choice that many people have made on their own to do so and I support their efforts in the midst of it. But even that hasn’t come without its own line of questioning. I fully acknowledge that past sacrifices were made for our present freedoms but I guess my ideals for the world just leave me in a position of wishing that we never had to sacrifice anyone to begin with. So it seems though, there will always be fights to be fought and battles to be won and now it’s our turn to bear the potential brunt of that sacrifice.

My brother-in-law was shipped off to Afghanistan on Monday to spend nine months fighting in a place that keeps sending our men and women home in wooden boxes. He’s going to fly our soldiers around because they keep getting killed by roadside bombs. And while I’m beyond proud of him for what he’s willing to do for his country, I don’t enjoy listening to my six year niece on the phone talking about how her daddy has to go away for a long time; or watching my sister-in-law become a single parent for close to a year; or hearing his mother’s teary-eyed account of saying goodbye to her oldest son; or holding my breath every time the news comes on. I don’t enjoy experiencing first hand what it’s like when somebody’s child goes to war because as I once heard said a long time ago; War is not about who’s right…it’s about who’s left.

Come home soon Jeff…and come home safely…

a word to the young...

This could quite possibly be the very best thing that I've ever seen...!!!!

pick your poison...

So I’ve concluded that I have a love-hate relationship with my mind. The mind really is a beautiful thing to waste but it’s also a very complicated entity and, in my humble opinion, more than what many of us are capable of dealing with. It’s like any wide open space that isn’t used to our presence…nature always wins in the end.

I’ve been blessed with a very creative mind. It enables me to see the world in a very unique and intricate way. I am moved by colour and balance and harmony. I forever see the world through poetic eyes that may never fully understand the inner workings of tax returns or computer software! And I’m okay with that. My mind is romantic and whimsical and never gets enough of wishing that it could fly.

My mind however, can also become a very dark place. While I don’t think that it’s in its nature to be there, it has been known to drift…to wander…to venture to other side of the mountain that is engulfed with shadows. And sometimes, once it gets there, it doesn’t always know how to find its way back. My mind’s curiosity over such places has dwindled significantly over the past years (thankfully!) but in the rare occasions when it just can’t help itself…it becomes scary. I think that everyone’s been afraid of the dark at some point throughout their life but I find that the ghosts in your mind are exponentially worse than the ghosts in the closet.

For as long as I can remember, I’ve always been a very self-aware person, or at least tried to be. Ever since I was a little girl, I would ask myself why I did things a certain way or why I felt the way I did about various things. It takes a lot of energy to be “in your mind” that much and there were times when I wished that I had just let myself be a kid instead of trying to pick apart all the connections that made up who I was as a person, albeit little one at the time.

As I got older, this became a bit more of a problem because with age comes presumed wisdom and with that presumed wisdom comes the courage to go further. And when you travel to very dark places, it can often be hard to tell what is real and what is merely a shadow lingering in the night. You get confused, disoriented and before you know it, you can’t even remember how you got to there in the first place. Grounding yourself matters…having a compass or something to guide you back is necessary when you’ve roamed too far away from home. Unfortunately for me and my restless mind, I don’t care much for maps!

I used to think that it was necessary for me to be able to take these mental trips without getting lost. I somehow felt that it was essential to prove to myself that I could get there and back and still be the same person. Only now am I starting to learn that it’s not such a bad thing to stick close to home. Light is a good thing. Knowing where you’re going is a good thing. Leaving a trail of Hershey kisses behind you is a good thing. But deliberately throwing yourself to the lions just to see if you can get out with all of your limbs is not really a good thing. In fact, it’s a silly thing. I would never recommend it to my husband or my soon-to-be son or anyone else that I loved. In fact, I would probably smack them upside the head and ask them how they ended up losing all of their marbles!

It is hard though. I almost have to wonder if some of us are just born with an intrinsic need to push our emotional stability in ways that are not always healthy. For me, it’s been labeled as generalized anxiety, for others its obsessive compulsive disorder or perfectionism; the need to please or self-criticism. Choose your weapon…pick your poison, but for all of us, it’s a place in our mind that most people don’t go to…and I wish I could be more like “most people”. I wish I could see the shadows without having to see what hides amongst them. I wish I could look at unchartered territory without feeling the need to see where it goes. I wish I could free myself from the suffering that comes with confusing what’s real with what isn’t.

I wish I could understand that, for me, the real cancer isn’t a tumor…it’s a lifetime spent being afraid of one.

this too, is God...

Ugh…I just love Thanksgiving and I can’t believe that it’s come and gone again already! This year, for reasons that are above and beyond obvious, I felt an overwhelming sense of gratitude towards the relative stability that our life is experiencing at this moment!! Most people don’t deem “boring” as a good thing but I will happily take it any day of the week and twice on Sunday!

One of the highlights of my weekend (amongst many) was a very long overdue visit with one of my most favourite people in the entire world. We both drove in to downtown yesterday morning for what was intended to be a brief coffee date but ended up being over three hours (and a landslide of lattés!) of much needed catching up. We had both recently experienced a rather tumultuous turn of events with certain people in our lives and were now coping with the fallout and disappointment of realizing that some relationships are simply not what you thought they were. Over the course of our discussion though, we also came to realize that this isn’t necessarily a bad thing; that amongst the rather spontaneous splash of drama that suddenly descends upon your life, there also lies a discreet reminder of all the things that truly do matter in life…and an endless banter back and forth about who did what and when is certainly not one of them!

I am notorious for caring too much. Ever since I was a little girl, it’s always mattered too much to me what other people think. In the last few years though, I have realized what a completely useless worry this had been and how much of my energy was being wasted caring about people who simply didn’t care about me. I do still find myself being blind sighted a lot of the time with such incidents though and that alone tends to take my breath away. I was still recovering from the blow to the stomach when I met up with my dear friend. In fact, it had been weighing on my mind for most of the weekend. But this morning, I woke up feeling like an entirely different person…a lighter person, a happier person…a person who had been looking at things in all the wrong light!!

When my friend and I began talking about our situations more, we both found that we were focusing too much on the negative; on the hurt, on the retaliation, on all the things that didn’t go right. All the while, we were overlooking the quiet blessing that also came with it all. The reality of our combined situations was the same; we had both been trying to rescue relationships that didn’t want to be saved…chasing people that didn’t want to be caught. We were devoting time, energy and emotion to people that didn’t hold us in the same regard. We were trying to communicate with someone that didn’t want to be spoken to and most ridiculous of all is that we were doing all of this while our actual friends stood by watching, like parents just waiting for the boy band hype to pass!!! This realization pounced on us part way through our coffee date and just like that, we suddenly felt like we had just come across our ex-boyfriends on the street while having had the very best hair day one could possibly ask for!!!! Brilliant!

Of course, it’s never easy to part ways with anyone…especially in a hurtful manner but its life. You simply can’t control other people’s moods, reactions or insecurities. Half of how a relationship will turn out (or half of how a relationship will end!) is dependent on where the other person is in their life. You can throw all your weapons down or you can throw them all at the other person and it still doesn’t change the fact that everyone has their own share of accountability to carry in this world.

But in the end, what does this all mean? It means that this too, is God. It means that with the loss of one relationship (that really wasn’t that good for me to begin with) I am freed to devote my time to the amazing people in my life that don’t actually need to be caught. I am reminded to take my eyes off the one that didn’t work and refocus on the ones that do. I am humbled to what friendship really means in this day and age and I intend to play my part in continuing to make them sincere. I am encouraged to walk away from all things unhappy, unkind and unhealthy because I can only be me…imperfections and all.

Mostly though, it means that this past Thanksgiving, I wasn’t just thankful for the relationships that mean the world to me…but I was also thankful for the relationships that didn’t manage to make it that far because in the end, they provide the perfect opportunity to remember and appreciate the ones that do.

{Oh…it also means that there are very few problems in life that Starbucks can’t fix!! But we already knew that!}

baby steps...

When I was growing up, I certainly didn’t always know that I wanted to have children. So many of the girls that I went to high school with had very long term plans that always included getting married and having a family. This often made me feel like I was missing the “maternal gene” because at sixteen, the thought of having children seemed like a lifetime away and at that time (and teenagers are notorious for lack of foresight!), I didn’t necessarily want to have children. I had a hard enough time taking care of myself none the less an entire other human being. I think that most of my family members wouldn’t hesitate to say that, while I may not have thought so at the time, I most definitely had plans for a family. What they never seemed to realize though was that liking children and wanting children are too very different things.

It really wasn’t until I met Steve that I started to feel like I might want a family of my own. There was just something about falling so desperately in love that made me want even more of him…another piece of him to bring into and share with the world. It was always really important to us though, as a couple, to ensure that we enjoyed some time together, being married, before we handed our lives over to a whole new responsibility. We wanted to travel, to have careers, to build roots, to get to know each other and get to know ourselves better. We wanted to get better at being married before we made the leap towards being parents.

So now we’ve done it! We’ve spent four years enjoying a life completely indulgent in each other; we’ve travelled to Hawaii, Australia and Europe. We’ve built our house. We’ve accepted jobs and turned down jobs. We’ve gotten exponentially better at being a team. And yesterday afternoon, we found out that we’re going to have a son!

In approximately four and half months, our little man is going to enter the world and nothing will ever be the same again! We will no longer just be “Gen and Steve” or “husband and wife” anymore…we will be parents and our identities will forever be intertwined in this little baby boy. And I couldn’t be more excited about it!

Of course, the thought did cross my mind that even now, after thirty years, men are still a total and complete mystery to me…so how the heck am I ever going to raise one?!?! But on the other hand...perhaps I just need to accept that it simply may be my lot in life to be surrounded by handsome men!!!

hiding out...

I arrived home last night feeling like I had survived the emotional equivalent of a severe gang beating! The day was treacherous and tumultuous and come the end of the work day, I began to have some serious doubts about the current state of humanity.

When our car rolled into the driveway at home, Steve asked if was capable of being left alone with my thoughts long enough for him to go for a quick run. Out in the world, that’s a tall order but in the comforts of our home, I figured I could manage! So while he went out the door to sweat out his toxins from the day, I resorted to our soaker tub in an attempt to drown mine.

I dimmed the lights, turned on some jazz and was determined to salvage what was left of this day. Mere minutes later, Tugger found a spot on the edge of the tub where he could also indulge in the quiet time and dangle his paws in the water. As the stress and anxiety of the day began to leave my body, I put one hand on my rapidly growing belly and began to explain to our baby why home is truly the safest and most wonderful place on earth…

The longer I sat in the nice warm water, accompanied by our feline, the more I realized how much these walls protected us; the moment we walk through our doors, we become sheltered from the unpredictability of what can be a very unforgiving world.

I wanted our little one to know that the 1,700 square feet that we call home is where we can always curl up under our perfect down blanket and take a much needed nap; where the words of our favourite authors can be found in any corner; where our memories and dreams are framed on all the walls; where our fireplace can warm our cold toes and fingers; where loving words from our family and friends can always be seen in the beautiful cards that they send; where it’s perfectly acceptable to have ice cream for dinner; where the family dress code is fleece and wool socks; where our perfect feline is always happy to keep us company; where we need not answer the phone or check our emails; where chores can always be put off for another day in exchange for a good movie instead; and, just when we think it can’t possibly get any better, the most wonderful sound in the world fills the halls as Steve returns home from his run.

So Little One, the moral of this story is that home is not only our castle but it is, by far, the most wonderful and safest place in the world because at home…we are always loved. And no amount of meanness in the world can ever trump that!

guard your heart...

We continued to study Proverbs at church this past weekend.

“Guard your heart for it is the wellspring of life”

I’ve never really read Proverbs before but I am finding that I just love it. It’s eloquent and beautiful and so simple in nature.

We discussed well-being this week and how guarding your heart, the very essence and core of your being, is the key to wholeness. Of course, by “heart”, it implies your soul and spirit far more than it implies your physical beating heart but just to be safe, they encourage that as well!!!

Studying Proverbs has really given me the desire to weed out the negative in my life. I’d like to think that our life is surrounded by a lot of very positive and loving influences and, for the most part, it is. But if you take a closer look at anything, you’ll start to notice the little things; the things that often fall between the cracks or the habits that often get overlooked. I’ve been trying to take the time lately to not only notice these things but also give myself permission to be very honest about them as well (the significantly more challenging of the two tasks!).

The result has been an autumn purging of sorts. I’ve decided to dust off corners of my life the same way we do the basement! This has included evaluating certain beliefs, behaviours and, in some cases, relationships that may no longer be very healthy for me; relationships that seems to be taking a lot more than they are giving. It’s not easy being on the other end of a purge. I know because I’ve been there myself but in retrospect, I can also vouch for the fact that once the initial blow to the gut was over, it was the best thing for me as well because prior to that…I simply wasn’t brave enough to do it myself.

The bottom line though is that everyone deserves to be happy in their relationships, regardless of their nature. We all deserve to feel accepted, understood and in the midst of a dynamic that encourages us to be the very best version of ourselves as opposed to feeling threatened. Upon further reflection, I came to realize that not all of my relationships were like this nor were they ever going to be, for either party…and so we make decisions accordingly, for the best interest of everyone.

I’ve also noticed that “guarding my heart” also included guarding my blog! I’ve realized that some people actually come here with no genuine interest in my words or my life but rather, to simply stay connected in a way that seeks out the negativity. People that I no longer share my day to day life with come here in hopes of seeing sadness and despair in my life (and if it’s not there, they try to add to it themselves) and that, by all means, does nothing to nurture anyone’s well-being. I’ve always trusted the motives of others and assumed that if they came here, it was for nothing more than the best of intentions. I know now that this isn’t always true (that’s the being honest part!). They know who they are and I know who they are and yet, cyberspace seems to give just the right amount of perceived anonymity to make the release of their toxic energy more acceptable.

So I’m choosing to take the first step in protecting my blog the same way I am determined to protect my heart. I’m not sure if the simple step will work but I have to believe in the goodness of humanity enough to believe that not every element of our lives need to be password protected.

So here we go! I’m quite certain that it’s not what Proverbs had in mind when it said “guard your heart” but I’m pretty sure that the writer of Proverbs didn’t have to deal with the information super highway either!