Sleepless in Ottawa...

So, I've been having a hard time sleeping lately. And it's only at night. I could sleep the day away given the opportunity but, once the sun goes down, I'm ambushed with a new sense of vitality that doesn't leave until my alarm clock goes off! I've always been more of a night hawk than a morning person and up until I started a nine to five job, I would often be up until two or three in the morning (most of my best school work got done in the wee hours of the night). Lately though, my sleep has been taken away from me for different reasons...mostly because I have been finding that my mind doesn't want to stop going a mile a minute. It's been grappling a lot lately with the roads and directions in which our lives take us. It seems as though we get into these routines and forget that things really can change at a moment's notice.

I've never really been one to second guess my choices and even now, that's not really what I'm doing. My life is wonderful and everyday I am grateful for everything that God has blessed me with. I have the very best husband that I could have ever hoped for, we have phenomenal friends and family, a wonderful home and challenging jobs to go to everyday. We have our health, we have joy, we have love, we have laughter and inspiration. Everyday we have more and more things to be thankful for. Right now though, I am trying to decide what the next path is to take.

It's an interesting time in our lives right now and we are in a position to make numerous different choices. Each one is exciting and just being at this point fills me with a wonderful sense of possibility. Steve and I have been very careful regarding the decisions that we've made and the priorities that we've followed through with in the past few years, and in turn, they are really starting to pay off. The patience and long term vision that we have had is proving to have been a worthwhile investment. The world really is our oyster right now and honestly, it's one of the first times in which I've felt so at liberty to be and go wherever the spirits take us. It's an incredible feeling!!

I've learned a lot about myself in the past year and for various reasons, I've discovered that many parts of my life and the decisions that have been made occured more due to other people's expectations as oppose to any authentic desire to do so. It's a harsh and sucky reality but, I'd rather discover that now than thirty years from now. In light of this, I'm really finding a new side of myself that I haven't appreciated as much in the past. I'm following new interests, pursuing forgotten dreams and surrounding myself with different people. It's new...it's exciting...and it's also very scary.

It's that scary side of this new venture that is keeping me up at night...weighing my options and visualizing all the different possible journeys to be taken. Don't get me wrong...knowing that I could write a book...dig up a dinosaur...or become a kindergarden teacher is thrilling. But when you've spent your entire life taking one path, the realization that you have so many options becomes a bit intimidating!!!

One of my biggest weaknesses is worrying. I always worry. I was a very worried little girl growing up and even now, worry and anxiety often get the better of me. Since renewing my faith four years ago, I've been much better but, constantly trying to pave a smooth road has somehow been ingrained in my blood. I think that much of the time, worry can drive us into action but, other times, worry just sucks the joy out of life and the adventure out of the unknown. It's not a side of myself that I like and I work at it constantly.

This past weekend though, I was especially nervous and fearful. Things at work were going a little rough and the pressure was getting to me. It made looking ahead at different options that much more important. For some reason though, nothing brought comfort and even that became distressing in and of itself. On Sunday afternoon, I went to Starbucks to read a bit. The place, as usual, was packed and there wasn't any tables available. I asked two gentleman sitting at a large table if I could share with them until another spot became available. Shortly there after, we starting conversing about various things and before I knew it, two hours had past and I never even noticed. Part way through our conversation, the topic of religion came up and one of the gentleman told me his profound story that lead him to believe in the peacefulness of death;

Apparently, in 1986, this gentleman was gunned down in an intersection here in Ottawa by someone that he didn't know. He was left to die and spent four days in a coma and the next two years learning how to walk again after being paralyzed. In those four days, he flatlined seven times and was clinically dead once. In that moment, he said that he didn't see a light or have an out of body experience but, he did say that it was the most peaceful thing that he's ever experienced. He said that because of that experience, he is no longer afraid of anything. Granted, for a long time after the shooting, if he would hear a loud noise, he would instantly begin shaking and he would experience the shooting all over again. However, one day, he remembered that peacefullness and decided that he would no longer be afraid of anything ever again.

I found his story fascinating and asked him if he looked back gratefully for that experience. He said no!! I have to admit that I was surprised. I asked him how he could not be thankful for such a thing when it has enabled him to live the rest of his life without any fear...something that many of us struggle with on a daily basis?? He responded quite simply by saying that anyone could choose not to be afraid. He said that it wasn't getting shot that made him not afraid...it was making the decision that made the change. He believed that at any point in time we can choose to live our lives that way and that we don't need to be left for dead or learn how to walk all over again in order for this happen.

I was stunned. I've never heard something so true in my life.

Shortly there after, we all decided that our time was up and we went our seperate ways. I never caught either of their names and it's likely that I'll never see them again but, that story has lingered with me.

I'm sure some people would say that it's meaningless and others would call it a coincidence or a bias perspective of the conversation.

I call it a reminder that God is always listening...and I'm suddenly feeling adventurous!!

- Gen