This past week has been very challenging and I couldn’t be happier to see Friday with the anticipation of a long weekend. Sometimes more than just the body needs the rest. Last night, after having been pushed to my emotional limits by my workplace, I stood in our kitchen filled with an anger that I don’t often experience and tears just streaming down my face. Life unfolds in many manners and at its own necessary pace, I have come to learn and accept that over time. However, last night, as I was expressing a degree of distress towards an ongoing conflict, I suddenly realized that I had had that very same conversation, in that very same place about two years earlier. The thought stopped me dead in my tracks as my mind drifted into the next question…”why then, was I having this conversation again”?? The answer was because I had simply never done anything about it the first time…because I let the wave of emotion pass over me and when the dust had settled, so did I. I settled back into an environment that I knew wouldn’t make me happy and that the emotion would be back again, but until then, life would go on. How many times has this happened?? How many times have you done the same thing over and over again, all the while, expecting different results?? How many times have you said “it could be worse” and continued on in spite of yourself?? There is something to be said for persistence…for picking yourself up time and time again and not giving up. However, at some point in time, you have to decide whether or not the destination is really worth sacrificing the journey.
I think that the older we get and the more commitments we have, the less our own life becomes a priority. Our goals slowly get put aside for any number of reasons and the path that we are on becomes the only path that we know. As children, we never see the world through such restrictive eyes. We spend years playing with the idea of what we want to be “when we grow up” and at the same time, never really knowing when that is. Something happens as adults though, something that Sarah McLachlan so eloquently states as “sweet madness and glorious sadness”…that state of complacency between the evil that we know and the evil that we don’t know. While the evil is unpleasant, at least it’s familiar and more times than not, we’ve developed all the essential tools for coping through it time and time again.
What happens though when there isn’t anywhere left to go or anything left to give?? When you suddenly find yourself caged in a place that you never thought you’d be?? Anger happens. Like all animals, when pushed into a corner without any more options, even the most docile of creatures will begin to fight back. They begin to turn their sense of fear into a sense of fury. With their feet firmly planted on the ground, they stop backing away and begin standing tall, prepared to do whatever needs to be done to ensure their survival. It is nature’s way of not letting you give up on yourself.
In the dimness of our kitchen, I suddenly realized that all this time, I had given up on myself. I had given up by allowing myself to think that I didn’t have options. I had given up by thinking that there was nothing to do but be backed into a corner. I had given up by believing that my desire for peace meant I couldn’t fight back. With a clarity that I had never seen before, I understood for the first time what Marilyn meant when she said that while someone may have been holding a gun to my head…I was giving them the bullets.
Without the bullets, someone can still take their best shot at you and it will still be loud, scary and unpleasant…but it has no ability to drain the life out of you anymore. Without the bullets, you will not fall to your knees, wounded and weak or be blinded where you stand.
I woke up this morning feeling like a different person. I no longer felt sweet madness or glorious sadness. I no longer felt overwhelming anger either. I felt like I had suddenly taken all the bullets away and was slowly moving away from the corner. The animal in me had just fought back...
I think that the older we get and the more commitments we have, the less our own life becomes a priority. Our goals slowly get put aside for any number of reasons and the path that we are on becomes the only path that we know. As children, we never see the world through such restrictive eyes. We spend years playing with the idea of what we want to be “when we grow up” and at the same time, never really knowing when that is. Something happens as adults though, something that Sarah McLachlan so eloquently states as “sweet madness and glorious sadness”…that state of complacency between the evil that we know and the evil that we don’t know. While the evil is unpleasant, at least it’s familiar and more times than not, we’ve developed all the essential tools for coping through it time and time again.
What happens though when there isn’t anywhere left to go or anything left to give?? When you suddenly find yourself caged in a place that you never thought you’d be?? Anger happens. Like all animals, when pushed into a corner without any more options, even the most docile of creatures will begin to fight back. They begin to turn their sense of fear into a sense of fury. With their feet firmly planted on the ground, they stop backing away and begin standing tall, prepared to do whatever needs to be done to ensure their survival. It is nature’s way of not letting you give up on yourself.
In the dimness of our kitchen, I suddenly realized that all this time, I had given up on myself. I had given up by allowing myself to think that I didn’t have options. I had given up by thinking that there was nothing to do but be backed into a corner. I had given up by believing that my desire for peace meant I couldn’t fight back. With a clarity that I had never seen before, I understood for the first time what Marilyn meant when she said that while someone may have been holding a gun to my head…I was giving them the bullets.
Without the bullets, someone can still take their best shot at you and it will still be loud, scary and unpleasant…but it has no ability to drain the life out of you anymore. Without the bullets, you will not fall to your knees, wounded and weak or be blinded where you stand.
I woke up this morning feeling like a different person. I no longer felt sweet madness or glorious sadness. I no longer felt overwhelming anger either. I felt like I had suddenly taken all the bullets away and was slowly moving away from the corner. The animal in me had just fought back...
3 comments:
Wow this sounds pretty serious...what happend??
Gen, give yourself a chance and don't forget to also give others a chance to get know you. It took us a while to connect, but in the end we appreciated each other a lot. So trust that other people unless they are not worth it (that is rare but it happens) will come around too. But set your boundaries and communicate clearly what you are capable of. Be confident and not resigned.
Gros bisous, comme on dit par chez nous!
So wise, Ms. Nadia..so wise!!
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