the confidence of youth...

Did you know that I used to figure skate when I was younger?

I have been in love with the sport for as long as I could remember. As a little girl, I found myself mesmerized by the elegance of such a sport. I just couldn’t get enough of the speed, the gracefulness, the music…it seemed like the perfect union of art and athleticism, and it was certainly all too much for my little self to bear. So I started skating.

I have a picture of myself as a child bundled up in my snow suit, delicately balancing myself on the ice and having the biggest smile a four year old could possibly muster up. It turned out to be just one of many photos proving that being on the ice was one of my happiest places.

I spent a good few years skating as much as I could get away with; I would watch countless hours of tapes so I could see spins and jumps in slow motion; During high school, we had an outdoor rink across the street from us and any moment that wasn’t spent in class was spent there; Almost each night of the week, my Mom would drive me around to free skates at various arenas in town and spend two hours in the cold while I spun myself in circles determined to get each move right. Collectively, my parents nurtured my passion as though it was one of their own!

What compels me to think about this though is the fact that I didn’t have a coach or any formal training at all. In fact, just about all the odds for a competitive career were against me; most skaters are very small and petite…I was very tall and lengthy; most skaters start training at six or seven years of age…I was already in high school. And yet, all the while, it never occurred to me that I wouldn’t be able to do it. In fact, I don’t even remember caring at all what the “conventional” course of a skater’s career was…I just wanted to learn.

In time, I did end up getting formally trained and I also spent one evening sharing the ice with some of our country’s most celebrated figure skaters! In time, injury also prevailed and choices had to be made. In the end though, I’m well aware that it was my desire skate and not my fear of failure that enabled my love affair to exist at all.

Looking back, this fascinates me because I’ve discovered that I’ve grown out of this confidence. Sadly, I consider more the probability of something instead of the possibility and I realize now just how dangerous that can be. In my younger days, I just thought “someone has to do it…why not me?” and on I went…and it worked. I propelled myself into a determination that left no other options. It wasn’t necessarily the most conventional or the easiest…but it was my five loaves and two fishes; it’s what I had to offer at the time and God provided the rest.

I’m trying really hard to find that part of me again. My new endeavor, albeit exciting, feels so intimidating and overwhelming sometimes and I just want to find that unwavering conviction that that tells me anything is possible again. Learning something new as an adult seems so much scarier and daunting than it once did, and fear, in and of itself, provides its own obstacle when trying to acquire new knowledge. I feel like everyone around me knows so much more and that the only thing that I really do know…is that I have so much more I need to learn. This isn’t as encouraging a thought as it once was when I had fifteen extra years to learn it!!

Ah well…as Vincent Van Gogh once said “For my part I know nothing with any certainty, but the sight of the stars makes me dream.”