A New Look for the New Year...???

Well, "Santa" was very generous this year and decided to bring me a sexy new MacBook for Christmas!! Apparently, if I'm ever going to win the Giller Prize one day, it's going to require a few more hours writing "a la Starbucks"!!!!

Given that it was on sale, Santa got it a bit early and then had a hard time keeping it a secret...so I've got to play with it for a little while already!! Let's just say that once you go Mac...there's no going back!!

Anyways, for the past two days, I've been using some of the amazing mac features and made a new website. I haven't decided entirely if I'm going to make the switch over or not but, I have to say that I even impressed myself!

So take a look around and let me know what you think! In the meantime, I'm going to drift back off into MacBook heaven for a little while longer...it's simply paradise!

To see the new "Mac Version" of Confessions, click here.

A few too many Christmas cocktails looks a
little something like this...

We are home! And Christmas is over for yet another year.

I heard a lot of people complain this year about the obligations of the holiday season. Even I wrote about it once or twice in December as the month was piling up with various commitments. I heard a lot of people express frustration towards what Christmas was becoming. Like most of us, these people were travelling to visit family and finding themselves in cramped malls in the weeks leading up to Christmas struggling to find gifts that have become the standard of the holidays. By this loose definition, then yes, I can understand the chaotic and overbearing feeling that rolls around at this time each year. However, one only has to experience the darker side of Christmas just once in order to fully appreciate having to go any distance to wake up on Christmas morning surrounded by those that you love.

My mother and I would have wonderful Christmas celebrations when I was growing up. We would spend the month of December decorating and baking for family. We would spend Christmas Eve going to church and celebrating with French-Canadian holiday traditions. Christmas morning would be spent around a big brunch and a warm fireplace followed by a huge Christmas dinner with family. I loved it and while looking back, I’m sure that Christmas was very stressful for my mother, she never gave the impression that she struggled with it. I am very grateful to her for that because I have grown to love the holidays for countless reasons, most of which includes food and family!

After my Mom moved out west, our ability to see each other became very limited. Each year though, I would ask her if she was coming home for Christmas and each year, she would tell me that she didn’t want to have to deal with the travelling and the craziness of the city during the holidays. To me, this translated to the belief that the effort to get here wasn’t worth spending the holiday with me. This broke my heart. As a student, flying out to see her was never an option so in turn, I ended up spending many holidays working or with extended family, but it was never the same as it was when I was growing up.

It’s easy to forget that the suicide rates increase dramatically and that depression plagues the holidays for many. While it’s easy to complain about shopping, travelling and the standard family conversation each year, these things are the tangible proof of our single most important blessing; to love and be loved. For many of us, we neglect to see that beyond all the gifts, Christmas is still about giving; giving of our time, giving of our energy and most of all, giving of ourselves. We do all of this because Christmas isn’t just about us. While it may seem obligatory and inconvenient for some of us, it likely matters a great deal to someone else and that alone, is a reason to do it.

I have just returned from having spent my 5th Christmas in the Smyth house and each year, I suffer from pains of sadness when we initially leave. What is normally a seven and a half hour drive took us nearly ten hours last night. But regardless of the time spent on the highways and at busy rest stops, I am reminded time and time again of what an incredible gift it is to be wanted in that home at this time of the year. I can’t think of any other place that I’d rather be. The love, joy, generosity and sense of belonging is overwhelming at times and reminds me so much of Christmas from my younger days.

Each year is a bit different and yet, always the same! This year, we had a big brunch on Christmas morning with the family and spent the afternoon opening gifts. By Christmas night though, while everyone else was busy having a big turkey dinner, we were busy cursing our 1,000 piece annual family puzzle while eating taco dip, drinking Bacardi Breezers and singing God Bless America!!!! You really had to be there to appreciate it but, in a nutshell…I blame Celine Dion!!! How can one not be willing to drive to the moon and back for memories like that?!?!?

On Christmas morning, a baby was born to save us from ourselves. He later died so that we could spend eternity belonging to God’s family. That was a huge sacrifice to make on our behalf. I think that the very least we can do is appreciate the family that we have here on earth in the meantime. And if you have a family that is willing spend six hours putting together a $5 puzzle with you…then you don’t have any reason not to love them!!!

Merry Christmas to all and to all a good night.

I can't believe that it's Christmas Eve already. Steve and I were discussing how there appears to be a small window in one's life when it's easy to forget that it's Christmas. That window is somewhere between finishing school and before you have kids! I understand that to some, this concept is madness but, as we were driving home from Trisha and Mark's place this afternoon, we needed to remind ourselves that if we were currently about ten years old...tonight would be a VERY long night!!

It's been busy since we arrived in Tilbury. Coming here is such blessing because so many people that we love are in the area. In turn though, we have to take a breath every now and then remember to slow down!!

One of the highlights of our visit so far was having Christina visit for the day. Normally, we would make it a priority to stop in London at some point to visit on our way to or from but, this year, she drove up to Tilbury to crash with the Smyth family for the day!! We had such a good time (like always!) catching up on the past months and talking about things to come. At one point in time, we began to vocalize our desire for yummy festive drinks, which ultimately resulted in sneaky little smiles and the two of us on the road to Windsor in search of the nearest Starbucks!!! Believe me when I say that our priorities are perfectly in line!!!

While our time between visits is generally much too long, it's comforting to know that we can always pick up right where we left off...and that's exactly what we do. Whatever daily emails can't fix, a couple of hours over coffee always can!

We returned to Tilbury in time for dinner and many, many laughs. We exchanged Christmas gifts and spent a good chunk of time looking through the FABULOUS gift that she gave Steve and I...a coffee table book of all National Geographic pictures...beautiful! We talked more, ate more, laughed more and so is the story of our friendship!!!

She hit the road late that night en route back to London. It's always hard for me to say goodbye to her but, we have a lot of plans this year to help make that easier in the future! And until then, we have our visits...and our Starbucks...and our visits at Starbucks!

It's the first day of winter today and the shortest day of the year. We arrived in Tilbury late tonight and our Christmas holidays officially began the moment we walked through the door. My plan for the next six days was to eat, sleep and rejuvenate for what Steve is calling "The Year of Gen and Steve"!!! However, thanks to a rather abrupt start to our morning today, my intentions to rest and recover have new meaning.

I took a pretty nasty fall this morning when I was taking luggage out to the car. I slipped off the top step of our front door and hit our concrete barrier wall on the way down. Steve came rushing over when he heard the scream only to find me twisted up on the ground in a pile of ice and snow. I think that my body quickly went into shock because I couldn't move much other than to shake relentessly. When I finally tried to stand up, I had been so scared that I really couldn't feel any pain at all, I just needed to throw up. While I did take a bit of a beating, I came out of it with no broken bones at all...which is quite lucky considering how hard I went down.

The drive to Tilbury made for some very expected stiffness to set in and I just got out of very hot bath in the old claw tub in our room. The bruises are starting to appear and the desire for more Tylenol is rearing its ugly head!!! Pretty soon, I'll bury myself under a down blanket, let my Neocitron induced coma take over and let the healing begin! It's not exactly the greatest way to start off the season, but alas, we are home for the holidays and as the only cripple in the family right now...that entitles me to extra Christmas treats!!!!

So even the unkindness of gravity has its perks!!

Holiday Madness. Part Three!

Okay, so what do you get when you mix ten days before Christmas with seventy-five centimeters of snow??? Holiday madness in the land of confusion!!!

Ladies and Gentlemen, we have just finished the third weekend of the holidays and it just keeps getting better!!! Saturday was pretty quiet but the really cold air is starting to creep up the closer we officially get to winter. While it always snows in Ottawa, it’s usually too cold for it to snow in large quantities. After a certain point, the temperatures drop so low that everything just freezes and the city just becomes a mass of people frantically trying to get from warm place point A to warm place point B. It’s a pretty sad sight!!

Anyways, we went by the house on Saturday morning and from what we could see, the drywall is all finished. Our first inspection is during the first week of January and so far, everything is on schedual (a blessing that we are very grateful for thus far). The amount of progress that we can see in the construction of our home diminishes a lot from here on in as most of the interior work won’t be visible from the outside so we’re happily taking whatever we can get!!

Saturday night was spent with my Dad. Since we won’t be together during Christmas, we made a point of setting aside some time for a nice dinner before we take off to Tilbury. Normally, we would get together and have dinner at Dad’s place but this year, he suggested that we go out and let someone else do the cooking. Since Steve and I got to choose, we selected our very favourite restaurant, the Keg Manor.

Located in the second oldest house in the city of Ottawa, the restaurant is set in this historic mansion with very little renovations made to the home. This give you the fantastic menu of any other Keg Restaurant with the beautiful atmosphere of refined dining. Steve and I try to make it out there at least once or twice a year but my Dad had never been before…so the Manor it was! We were seated in the most gorgeous part of the restaurant in a small room next the fireplace. We drank some wine, had a great meal and enjoyed a simply wonderful evening together…one of our best actually! Oh…and we learned how the use the automatic feature on our digital camera…but not without a fair share of candid shots in the meantime!!

Jesper and I were suppose to run 16 kilometers on Sunday morning. This would not normally be a very big deal but all weekend we had been getting notice of a severe snowstorm warming looming for Sunday morning and afternoon. Sure enough, come Sunday morning, the snow was falling and the wind was blowing…it was pretty ugly. Ugly enough in fact to stop us from doing our run but, not ugly enough to stop us from meeting at Starbucks for yummy drinks and even yummier breakfast pastries!! Really, if you’re going to skip out on a 16 kilometer run…you might as well make it worthwhile!! So, Jesper and I spent nearly two hours early on Sunday morning talking about life. You would think after the countless hours that we spend running together that the conversation would run out eventually…but it never does! Like all great things though, our morning escape had to end eventually and by this time, the snow was really starting to come down.

As I woke up this morning and saw the resulting storm in the light of day, I concluded that it was God’s way of making all of us stop and take a breather because frankly, that’s exactly what all of us were forced to do. In all of my life, I have never seen as much snow as I am looking at right now. According to Environment Canada, the accumulation of snow that we have right now is the most amount of snow that Ottawa has ever received in recorded history…seventy-five centimeters all together!!!

We were suppose to attend our church potluck at Blessed Sacrament last night but, like the countless stores around the city, nearly all the bus lines and every other social event going on…it was cancelled. This suddenly left us with an entire day of nothing to do but sit on the couch under a blanket watching Christmas movies. It could be worse!!! Actually, it felt like such a beautiful gift of stolen time. In what would normally be a very busy weekend, everyone was forced to hibernate and spend time…well…not rushing! I ended up baking up a chocolate mess, caught up on some emails, watched a movie and eventually, around 5:30pm, when the wind died down and the snow lightly fell, Steve and I ventured outside to take a look at the aftermath. First off, we could barely open our front door…THAT’S how much snow there was!!! We spent a good hour and a half shoveling snow until we just ran out of space to put it! Mother Nature really has a funny way of showing us who’s boss! I LOVE IT!

What never fails to impress me though is how well the capital seems to cope with such tumultuous conditions. Obviously, we are used to unpredictable weather but even for us, this was more than what we were used to. Sure enough though, we woke up to the snowplows working hard and everyone patiently making their way through the streets. The schools got an extra snow day and the rest of us enjoyed the calm after the storm!

For those of us at the Gallery though, we enjoyed our annual Christmas party in the Great Hall amongst our forty-foot Christmas tree!! Only twice a year do the roughly three hundred people that make our Gallery work get together to take an extended lunch. This year was especially fun though because they handed out four awards for 35 years of service. 35 YEARS! That means that those people were working at the Gallery before I was even born! WOW! Anyways, it was also the first year in a while in which our team has been complete. With the many life changes that my colleagues have been experiencing, we have been witnessing a lot of change among our small group. It was nice to take a group picture without an empty spot!

With that, I sign off…only eight more sleeps until Santa visits…

For up to date pictures on our holiday madness…click here.

This past October, I posted some of my reflections on the story of Chris McCandless…the twenty-four year old American who left his life in society and died in deep wilderness of Alaska. After reading the book and seeing the movie, Into the Wild, I felt pulled and repelled all at the same time.

This blog site has received more hits from that one post than from any other piece that I’ve ever written. Even now, cyber visitors from all over the world come by through links directly to that post. I think that it goes to show the impact that one person’s life can have on our moral foundation and the questions that may arise from someone else’s extreme choices.

From my own personal experience, my views on this matter varied from most. Perhaps I brought more perspective from the angle of being left behind than from the view of seeking liberty and freedom. Either way, it’s a compelling story and there’s always something wonderful to be said from anything that makes you stop and think.

I still think about this story often and despite my views, I’m still fascinated and torn by the spectrum of emotion that arose from this stranger’s life. The irony of it is that, while McCandless despised materialism and consumerism, his life ultimately reached the very essence of the “American Dream”…the big screen. The rich and famous joined forces to tell his story and now, those rich and famous are being recognized for their artistic vision.

Regardless of what McCandless might think of such principles, I was so pleased to hear that Into the Wild had been nominated for two Golden Globe awards. While neither of the awards are for acting or writing, the nominations reflect the final string that the brought the entire story together.

Eddie Vedder, the lead voice of the group Pearl Jam, sang the entire soundtrack of the movie and to be honest, I can’t hear the songs without seeing McCandless’ face at the same time. Vedder brought so much emotion to an already overwhelming story and clearly, I’m not the only one that thinks so.

During the 2008 Golden Globe Awards, Into the Wild will compete for the award of Best Sound Score and Best Original Song. Furthermore, Vedder’s contributions to Into the Wild are now among the 59 songs being shortlisted for eligibility in the category of Best Original Song for the 2008 Academy Awards. I’m crossing my fingers that Vedder will make it to the final stage of being nominated for this prestigious award.

I don’t normally hold a big place in my heart for the musical categories among these awards but, this year, I fell in love with the song Hard Sun. My heart skips a beat every time I hear it and at the same time, I feels tears for a person that I didn’t know and I person that I know all too well. It moves me. Combined with the visuals from the movie, I believe that this song can literally inspire change in even the most frightened of souls. It takes a special combination of talent and vision to put something like that into the world. I hope to do the same thing one day, in my own creative way (likely through the written word as opposed to anything else) but, until I do, I am grateful for art like this that continues to inspire me to make something important of my life.

I’m interested in knowing that you think of the song and video. Knowing what you know…how does this make you feel..?? If you didn’t know…would it make a difference..?? I know that all of you bring different experience and views to this cyber table, hence I’m fascinated to know what our own collective emotional spectrum would look like…

Please let me know what you think! And most of all...enjoy! I do...time and time again...

"I read somewhere how important it is in life not to necessarily be strong but to feel strong; To measure yourself at least once. To find yourself at least once in the most ancient of human conditions..."

Abby's Baby Shower...

"A baby will make love stronger, days shorter, nights longer,

bankroll smaller, home happier, clothes shabbier,
the past forgotten, and the future worth living for."
~ Anonymous

For more pictures from Abby's baby shower, click here.

Holiday Madness. Part Two!

This past weekend seemed to pick up right where last weekend left off…in a flurry of baked goods and holiday spirit! This was week two of our holiday madness month and it certainly didn’t disappoint!!

My good friend Abby is expecting her first baby in early January and as someone who refused to let us fuss over her, it felt like such an indulgence to have her baby shower and celebrate her newest upcoming “project”. It was fun to force her into a highly decorated room with cake and gifts, and even more fun to force her into being the center of attention!! While I’m going to miss her dearly while she’s gone on maternity leave, I simply can’t wait to meet Baby Warren in the coming month or so.

Saturday left us with lots of errands to do for our new house! With all of the stores being decorated for Christmas, it allows us to fantasize about our new house with a rather festive theme!! Right now, we are mostly on the hunt for mirrors and drapes…something that is seldom needed when leaving 600 square feet! I’ll admit that I’ve been stocking our current living space with plenty of fabulous finds from Zone over the past months…I just can’t help it…it makes waiting a bit easier!! Our biggest challenge as of late though, has been finding a new cover for our duvet. Steve decided a while back that he wanted to get a new one and since then, we intended to coordinate our bedroom (paint, curtains, etc.) around this new pattern however, this has come as a much more daunting task than we ever imagined!! The harsh reality is that many, many people have simply horrible taste in fabrics!!! It’s one with to drape your windows in terrible patterns but, how could allow yourself to sleep in such a disaster?!?! It truly boggles my mind!!

Anyways, we are going to hit up Toronto on our way home for Christmas and see what Bloor Street has to offer up. Pottery Barn seldom lets me down!!!

Next up on the agenda was a holiday party at Sarah’s house. It’s been a long time since I’ve been in the same room as people from my old political life so I was a bit anxious at first about colliding with that world again but, we ended up having a terrific time. As it turns out, there was some important boxing match on pay per view that night (live from the MGM Grand in Las Vegas!!) so, picture this…me in a room with about a dozen highly intoxicated men watching two guys beat the crap out of each other!!!! It was quite an experience and once I took my testosterone charged husband home…it was quickly to bed in preparation for our second hangover in as many weeks!!

Sunday arrived with a trademark headache and craving for greasy breakfast!!! Instead, we cleaned the house a bit and patiently waited for family to arrive. My amazing mother-in-law decided that it was about time that Baby Rohan learned a thing or two about football, hence we left him with the boys and the two of us took off for some coffee and an afternoon of shopping in the Glebe. Kathy and I often need to be put on a timer when we are left to converse on our own…as we will almost always talk for hours on end about any number of things…this time was certainly no exception!! The two of us have a lot in common and whether it’s a chat on the lighter side or something more serious in nature, Kathy is always an amazing shoulder to lean on. We had a beautiful afternoon together and I’m so grateful that even though we live so many hours away from each other, we still have the opportunity to find time together.

In the grand tradition that is any celebration, we certainly saved the best for last…an early Christmas dinner with the Eastern Ontario Smyths!! Unfortunately (and I’m still in denial about this!), we won’t be sharing Christmas morning with Jeff, Monica, Priya and Rohan this year. Life has handed everyone some pretty incredible opportunities as of late that, in turn, will leave us oceans apart for a while. No Smyth would ever give up a reason to celebrate though!! So, after some shopping for Kathy and I, some football for the boys and some Nutcracker tradition for Monica and Priya, we joined forced for one last family dinner in 2007. It was wonderful and far too many hours too short but, alas, we take what God will give us for the time being and enjoy every moment of it.


Only thirteen candies on our candy ribbons left to go…

Birthday wishes and birthday grief...

It was my mother’s birthday this week.

I can’t believe that another year has gone by. Normally, we celebrate birthdays. We eat cake…we sing…we give gifts to commemorate the day their presence altered everything.

December 3rd though, reminds me that the only way I can wish my Mother a happy birthday is by email, because it’s the only contact information that I have for her. It’s been about eight months since I’ve spoken to my mother and over a year and a half since I’ve seen her. Each additional year is like a new chapter in what seems like a never ending struggle for harmony.

My mother is the oldest of four siblings. Her and her sister were adopted at a young age and brought here to Canada by the person that I know to be my grandmother. Her two brothers were separated and from what I know, remained in the United States.

When I was in my first year of university, I answered the phone one Christmas morning as a man asked to speak to my mother. I handed the phone over and shortly there after, my mother was in tears. Her brother had found us. While I’m sure that my mother had her own share of issues to deal with during receipt of this call, for me it was new found family that I was eager to know.

I’ve grown up with the family that my mother was adopted by and though I wouldn’t have had it any other way, I was always very consciously aware of the fact that I didn’t look like anyone else. Our family pictures consisted of countless redheads and then my mother and I…very distinctive black hair and deep, dark eyes. It was obvious that we shared different roots.

For many months after this phone call, I spent hours trying to write to my new uncle and tell him all about myself. I would constantly crumple up the pages and start over for lack of knowing where to begin or end. How do you share a lifetime with someone on paper?? Eventually, I ended up collecting dozens of pictures going back to my childhood and going through each one in chronological order, in hopes that he would be able to see a niece that he never knew. I desperately wanted to know if we looked the same, shared the same taste in food or music…anything that indicated we shared a common past of some kind.

My mother and I have very different opinions on how to deal with the past. It has very likely contributed, in large part, to why we have such a hard time getting along. The Bible is very clear that the only way to pursue peace in any way and move ahead, is to let go of the past. We can learn from it and we can remember it but, allowing ourselves to be defined by it locks us in a prison of unchangeable circumstances. I’m certainly not saying that I don’t struggle with elements of my past but, I have committed a great deal of time to acknowledging that it’s just that…the past. It can’t be changed or undone…it can only exist as a reminder that it was real.

When I emailed my mother for her birthday, I was reminded of trying to write to my uncle; the aimless attempt to let the written word make up for time gone by. While there used to be a time when writing to my mother would be a weekly occurrence of catching up, it’s now the only option that is left in a mother/daughter world that has somehow crumbled beneath us. In the same way that we can’t let a challenging past stand in the way of a hopeful future, a warm and memorable past with someone can’t be the only pillars holding up an otherwise tumultuous relationship. No amount of birthday makes us exempt from having to constantly put forth the effort to make various relationships work.

While it’s easy to fall back on the excuse that “we can’t teach an old dog new tricks”…some would say that you can teach any dog new tricks…with the right doggy treats! Perhaps even birthday treats!!

Holiday Madness. Part One!

I think that it’s inevitable…once the page on the calendar changes to December, the pages in your daytime suddenly become filled with a steady stream of long lost friends and holiday cheer!

I know that a lot of people find the weeks leading up to the holidays to be really stressful and really tedious due to obligatory family gatherings and less than inviting office parties. It’s unfortunate really because Christmas is an especially unique time of year that somehow consistently mends the ties that bind and make all relationships become crystal clear.

For many, many years, I was one of those people that dreaded the onslaught of holiday obligations. I always cursed having to commit myself to an endless parade annual visits that resulted in the same conversation time and time again. However, over the past few years, Steve and I have managed to fine tune to pre-holiday season into weekend after weekend of the most wonderful company and delightful gatherings. I’m not really sure when the fine line got crossed from misery into snow covered bliss but, whenever it was, it’s made the month of December well worth the year-long wait!!

Our 2007 holiday madness started with a weekend in the company of some of my most favourite ladies!! Saturday afternoon, I met with Cathy and Baby Miles (and John was around briefly in between shopping excursions!). We certainly don’t see each other as often as we used to but, each time we do, we always pick up right where we left off, and it usually involves a book of some kind!! With our coffees in hand, we chatted about recent months and her new life as a mom. It’s nice to know that life can change so drastically but, at the same time, some things can always remain the same…like coffee dates with girlfriends.

Just after that, Steve and I headed to Orleans to have our annual Christmas dinner with France and Francois (and this time, with their newest addition as well!). We had some wine, enjoyed some terrific food, relaxed with some great conversation and enjoyed one of the most adorable little girls we know!! A few hours later, the four of us headed over to Helene and Mark’s house for the Donaldson’s Annual Cookie Exchange! All of us made dozens of our favourite holiday treats and everyone went home with enough baked goods to last them into the New Year!


What I love about this annual tradition is that we get to see each other as all our lives grow and evolve in new ways. Last year, Mark and Helene had just had Baby Cole…and this year, we welcomed Baby Virginie to the group as well as “warmed” Mark and Helene’s new and very beautiful home! It’s really a neat way to mark the years gone by.

France has been away on maternity leave since June and while business as usual tends to go on in the workplace, I just didn’t realize how much I missed seeing her everyday. France, Helene and myself were all hired around the same time (within a year of each other) and we were always very close as colleagues. Even when work became stressful and relentless, having such amazing people to work with always made it easier. Helene was away on her maternity leave last year and came back just after France left. It’s hard to say whether or not the three of us will ever be together in that office again but, at the very least, we’ll always have our first weekend in December!!


After a bit too much wine and way too many cookies, Steve and I dragged ourselves home long after our bed times! Morning came quickly as I met Jesper and Mary for our run and then it was right back to bed for this girl!!! That is of course, until the next round of holiday festivities began this afternoon; Gen and Julie all decked out for the Urban Element Cocktail Anniversary Party!! Step aside Carrie Bradshaw…there are two new girls in town!!

I’ve been told that the best remedy for a hangover is to drink more alcohol! Low and behold, it’s true!! I was a bit groggy when I met Julie this afternoon to head over to our party at the Urban Elements Cooking Studios but, after two cocktails, all signs of grogginess went right out the window!!! My stunning friend Julie has a very passionate love affair with cooking and over the past months, she has sparked a flame inside of me to help release my inner cooking goddess! With the excitement of our new kitchen only months away, she’s inspired a whole realm of culinary creations that I can’t wait to put to the test!! In pursuit of her hot love affair, she was seeking out some innovative cooking classes to act as a creative outlet. She ended up stumbling upon this very posh and absolutely decadent cooking studio in Westboro Village called the Urban Element. Think martini bar meets home education class all dressed up in art deco…it’s FANTASTIC!!! Housed in an old fire station, the Urban Element was the setting for the most fabulous Sunday afternoon of cocktails, cooking demonstrations, sampling and of course, a few uninterrupted hours with Julie before life takes over again!!!

This year, our social calendar for the month was booked solid about two weeks ago! While there used to be a time when this would have made me cringe, I realize now that having all of these commitments means that you are blessed with people to share them with. Loneliness doesn’t come in the form of Christmas parties and cookies exchanges. As I look back on the first weekend of what is sure to be a great month, I am thankful for some of the most amazing women to share my life with. Being so blessed as to have to divide your time amongst friends is truly a gift.

So, to my girls…Cathy, France, Helene and Julie…thank you for such an amazing weekend! I miss you already ;)

For more pictures from the weekend, click here.

Have you ever seen that episode of Sex & the City where the girls go to the Hampton’s and Carrie meets a “really good on paper” guy?!?! Anytime I see that episode, it always makes me think of anyone who’s ever tried online dating because really, until you take the brave leap outside of cyberspace, you are essentially living an entire relationship “on paper”.

The thing about being on paper is that you always tend to highlight your best features and of course, why wouldn’t you?? Like any relationship I guess, the early stages are always about putting your best foot forward as opposed to broadcasting your little idiosyncracies that others may not find so adorable. I think that most of the time it is not considered entirely humble to see yourself solely through the eyes of what appears on paper however, I’m starting to think that all of us should have a personal resume of our lives tucked away in our back pocket for certain times of need!

I’m personally especially sensitive to specific situations that immediately throw me back to grade school and the inner turmoil of self-consciousness. For reasons unbeknownst to me, I become a little girl who feels out of place in my being and attempting relentlessly to fit in amongst my peers. While I know that everyone endures moments of weakness when it comes to self-esteem, I think that it’s equally important to be able to tally our list of personal accomplishments when our souls are in need of a little pick me up!

I’ve never actually tried this means of renewal before but, this past week, when I was challenged with an adverse situation that was depleting my ego, I decided to stop and try to remind myself of who I really am…even if it is only on paper!

I’ll admit that in my thirty years, I’ve done a lot…not as much as some…but definitely more than others! Some of those things though, while they may seem ordinary in nature, sum up a pretty extraordinary and blessed life!! If I had to put it all on paper…it might look a little something like this…

~ I have achieved all of my western horseback riding levels including my bareback certificate
~ I graduated from high school with a bilingual degree
~ I was an all-star volleyball player in high school
~ I’ve had the same best friend since grade ten (the very best there is too!)
~ I’ve never smoked or done a single drug in my life
~ I graduated university eight months early with a double-major
~ I survived nearly seven years of living on my own without ever having to starve!
~ I’ve won the Founding Father Award for outstanding community service two years in a row
~ I’ve been blessed to have some of the most unique and amusing jobs a student could ever ask for
~ I was chair of the National Youth Council of Canada for two years
~ I sat on the National Board of Directors for Boys and Girls Clubs of Canada at the age of seventeen
~ I’ve ran a marathon
~ I’ve paced one of the country’s largest half-marathons
~ I am truly married to the most wonderful man I’ve ever known (who never fails to make me laugh!!)
~ I’ve been blessed with incredible health
~ I’ve been priviledged enough to have some of the most incredible mentors
~ I have the greatest group of friends that I simply love to death
~ I work in the most beautiful building
~ I worked in the second most beautiful building for that…
~ I am in love with my current home and even more so with our new one!
~ I am loved unconditionally by family and friends
~ I am fortunate enough to have a Starbucks on every corner!!

So, call me egotistical if you must but, everyone needs to remember where they’ve gone and how far they’ve come so when people around you risk making you feel otherwise, you can always be reminded of how blessed you are and of how much you are truly capable of. When I look at this list, it often makes me wonder who this person is and if I’ll ever get to meet her. The real point though is that woman simply have to learn to pat themselves on the back enough that their life on paper eventually leaps right off the page!!

Bonjour...

Someone keeps visiting the site from Bermuda!! How exotic!!

Who ever you are...Welcome!! And please send some of your warm weather our way...it's getting cold here!!!

Starbucks sightings...

Just when I thought that Starbucks couldn’t possibly get any better, I walked in this morning only to find myself sitting two tables away from Seann William Scott (or better known as “Stifler” from the American Pie movies!!). Seriously!

I was standing at the bar waiting for my drink when I noticed him sitting at a table with two other guys and I thought to myself what a striking resemblance he had to the actor. When I mentioned it to the barista, he told me that it actually was him and that he had been in yesterday as well. Crazy!

Suddenly, I found myself completely excited and no one I knew was around to share it with!! There was a girl sitting near me about the same age, so I blatantly interrupted her to tell her my news (she was very thankful!) and we ended up spending the next forty minutes chatting while discretely (or maybe not!) looking over our shoulder!! My new friend even spent five minutes “getting sugar” when we went back up to the bar for another drink!!


Oddly enough, no one in the store seemed to have recognized him. We all sat politely going about our business. Or so I thought! When he finally got up and left, all social decency apparently went with him because suddenly, nearly the entire restaurant of Sunday morning coffee drinkers got up to watch him out the window!!! It was quite hysterical!! He drove away with a friend in a Volvo station wagon…who knew?!?

This was my third “star sighting” in Ottawa since I’ve lived here. First off was Green Day asking me for directions while walking through the market (they wanted to know where Zaphod’s was!). Then two years ago, while shopping at the Papery in the market, Ryan Reynolds and Alanis Morrisette came in wanting to buy tape! The sales clerks and I just stood there with completely idiot grins on our face.

I’m honestly a very charming and witty girl at times!!

Hi Everyone!

I’m currently sitting at my living room window, overlooking the street and our neighbor’s children playing on the front lawn. I have a Peppermint Mocha in hand, a few candles lit next to me and Damien Rice playing on the computer. Needless to say that my senses are feeling indulged right now!!

Given my current delightful surroundings, I wanted to pretend that you were all sitting next to me with a yummy drink of your own as we shared stories of our past week gone by. It wasn’t until this morning that I realized just how chaotic this past week has been. My lack of presence in cyberspace is usually the first indicator that my days have taken on a life of their own!

Firstly, and certainly most importantly, Baby Rohan was back at CHEO this past week after being rushed to emergency from Deep River. Rohan has spent more than his share of time in CHEO during his short eighteen months on earth and I can say with certainty that it never gets easier. He arrived at emergency on Tuesday night and we spent most of the night with him and Monica while he under went various tests and waited to be admitted. We’re pretty familiar with CHEO now but nonetheless, there is something simply heart wrenching about an entire hospital devoted to children. Even with entire facilities to meet these needs, Rohan still found himself being admitted to the oncology ward due to lack of space anywhere else in the hospital. It was later determined that Rohan was suffering from Crupe, and given his condition, he needed to be isolated from the rest of the children in the ward. Hospitals are difficult enough to endure. Isolation in a hospital is so much worse.

I stayed with Baby Rohan for a part of Wednesday night while Monica went to our place to eat, shower, sleep and keep up on a life that seemed to have gone on without her. Rohan and I watched endless reruns of Baby Neptune and learned to dislike the presence of anyone wearing scrubs. While it was never easy watching Rohan in the hospital, this time, at this age, made his fear more visible and the desire to take him away so much stronger. In the midst of our little chaos tough, God brought me the precious of moments when Rohan looked right at me, pointed to the television screen and said “car”!!! He spoke to me for the very first time…Beautiful!

As many of you know, I’ve been feeling really restless lately. I’ve had a desire for change in my blood that is very foreign to me. As the creature of habit that I am, my need for different scenery is un-chartered territory. However, after months of this agonizing feeling brewing inside of me, I woke up on Thursday morning to snow and a soul that was no longer restless! Our natural cycle of seasons hasn’t happened much this past year. We went from winter right into summer and it’s basically stayed like that well into November. I had no idea that the fire burning inside of me was simply a response to Global Warming! It seems as though in the past week alone, I suddenly live in a different city! One day last week, I left work late and by the time I headed home, it was already dark outside. It’s literally been months since I’ve seen that part of the city at night and it’s truly like seeing it for the first time all over again. Between daylight savings, the gorgeous layer of snow and the beautiful Christmas decorations all along Sussex Drive, the seasons seem to have finally caught up with my own desire for change!


There was also a significant end to an era in my life this week…I finally finished the entire Harry Potter series!! Late on Thursday night I flipped the last page of The Deathly Hallows. It’s very safe to say that I am suffering from a severe case of Post-Potter Depression now!!! Unlike most people, I didn’t start the series until the final book was published hence, since July, I’ve been reading each book back to back. It’s been an intense relationship and frankly, I don’t know if I’m ready for it to be over!

For a very long time, Richard Parker from the Life of Pi and Dr. Hannibal Lecter from the series by Thomas Harris have been my favourite fictional characters. But now, I simply don’t know!! My life as recently been consumed with the magical bliss that is Harry Potter and I have to say that I have a very special place in my heart for Dumbledore; a man of true humility and patience, two characteristics that I admire in anyone, fictional or not. Regardless of how my list of favourite fictional characters may change, I can say with absolute certainty that Chapter Thirty-Three of the last book is the best chapter that I’ve ever read of any novel. I was breathless when I was done reading. People often claim that the Harry Potter phenomenon is overrated but, to truly consider the impact that a series of books has had on entire generations of people is spectacular. As an avid reader myself, nothing makes me happier that seeing the written word triumph in the end!!

And so, Sunday has finally arrived and the world seems to have changed in seven short days. I hope that you will forgive my absenteeism!! Us bloggers are always in cyberspace for the greater good but, sometimes, the greater good is right in front of us…in a hospital room…in the pages of imagination…or even in Mother Nature.

Superlatives...

In my senior year of high school, all of us got to nominate our classmates for various future accomplishments…you know, most likely to become famous…most likely to end up in prison…most likely to get their nose broken more than once…and so on and so on…

I didn’t get nominated for anything but, I always found it fascinating because in many ways, it really says something about how other people see you. As I’ve mentioned before, Russ and I have discussed this on more than one occasion and I think it would be a worthwhile investment for everyone to get a dose of themselves through someone else’s eyes. All too often we get so absorbed in the life that we are trying to accomplish that we forget to stop and see what we really project into the world.

I’ve been finding myself getting this reflection from all angles lately and so far, I’ve been pleasantly surprised!! While our worth and validation certainly isn’t determined by others, it’s still nice to know what others see when they look at you and if nothing else, it helps you to take a step back from your bubble and decide whether or not you like the feedback!!

I felt compelled to mention this because yesterday, I added a feature to my Facebook profile called Superlative. My old colleague, Nadia, brought it to my attention and convinced me to tag it on to my already crowded profile space!!! According to Wikipedia, Superlative is an adjective or adverb which indicates that something has some feature to a greater degree than anything it is being compared to in a given context. So for those of us who didn’t seem to stand out in high school…Facebook gives you the opportunity to experience your senior year all over again and nominate each other until your heart’s content!!

I’ve had this feature for about twenty-four hours now and so far, I’ve had four nominations (which really means that my friends rock!!). I’ve been nominated twice for “most likely to get out of trouble by smiling” (this cracks me up!)…once for “most likely to use the word “superfluous” correctly in a sentence” (I don’t know this word but, I appreciate the credit!) and my personal favourite…one nomination for “most likely to kick it with Jesus”!!!

Sometimes it pays to experience high school all over again…maturity has its perks!!!

Update ~ I have since received two nominations for "most likely to spend all of her money at Starbucks", one nomination for "most likely to run through the streets naked" (?!?!) and one nomination for "most likely to win the Giller Prize" (thanks Jesper!). Oh...and I looked it up and now know what Superfluous means!!!

Like most couples, when Steve and I got engaged, we had to participate in pre-marital classes leading up to our wedding. These classes tend to come in a variety of formats ranging from one-on-one classes with a priest or pastor, to large group settings in a church basement. For us, we experienced a little bit of both…a large group weekend retreat at the church followed by a meeting with Father Joe closer to the wedding.

We were extremely fortunate to have the entire process of our wedding guided by Father Joe from Blessed Sacrament Church. Not only is Father Joe an amazing priest and leader but, he’s personally guided me a great deal along my spiritual path. Blessed Sacrament Church is where I was baptized as a baby and confirmed twenty-five years later so the experience of also being married there was quite overwhelming.

Though Father Joe has most certainly followed a calling to the priesthood, he is also educated in the field of psychology and marital councelling. Thanks to this background, the intensity of the pre-marital courses for those that he personally marries is a bit different than those being married in other churches. Father Joe strongly believes that every person possesses the alter ego of an animal who, in times of stress, show instinctive features and, if we learn to understand these characteristics, can better enable us to support each other through marriage. He believes that when our human abilities to cope are depleted, we fall back on our instinctive animal behaviour as a means of getting by.

This alter ego, along with a psychological profile of nearly three hundred questions, can help Father Joe determine a specific degree of compatibility for each couple as well as determine potential problems such as alcoholism or abuse. With the strong consideration of these two factors, Father Joe is entitled to refuse marrying a couple that he fears may not be suitable for one another due to a variety of reasons. While I imagine that these situations are relatively rare, it’s refreshing to see someone take the vows of marriage so seriously.

I have to honestly say that I certainly wasn’t nervous going into this process at all, but found myself completely fascinated by the many components taken into consideration when rating two individual’s compatibility. When Steve and I finally met personally with Father Joe, he spoke to us very candidly about our results and determined that we had a compatibility of 96%, which in his eyes, was more than enough reason to go ahead with our wedding!! Obviously, we were thrilled to hear such great feedback (though we certainly had no doubt) but, I’ll admit that I was a bit surprised by my animal alter ego!!

Going into it, I figured that most certainly, I would possess the alter ego of some feline. Throughout my life, other people have consistently compared my personality to the characteristics of a cat. Back in university, one of my roommates once told me that he thought watching me go about my day was like watching a jungle cat in the wild!! I have no idea what he meant by this, but it still cracks me up when I think about it!! I suppose, over time, I just became accustomed to such comparison and frankly, it could be worse!! Imagine being compared to a naked mole rat…

Anyways, as it turns out, my animal alter ego is that of a white wolf. The more Father Joe proceeded to describe my “instinctive characteristics”, the more surprised I was to hear someone describe me in such a way. Apparently, the significance of being a white wolf is to be a pack animal that is extremely loyal to family. I would spend my entire life with my family and never leave their side. I tend to be a very docile animal however I am still wild by nature and when provoked, will readily defend my family and safety. Though wolves are rather peaceful, they also have very few predators (in their natural habitat) which enable them to roam with a certain degree of confidence. Father Joe also mentioned the significance of my alter ego having specific physical features. He said that while all wolves are very beautiful creatures, white wolves are especially distinctive and very captivating to the eye (remember, Father Joe said this…I would NEVER describe myself this way!!!!). In recognition of this alter ego, it is suppose to enable me (and Steve) to better understand my actions when my human spirit is depleted. As a wolf, I will almost always back away when I feel threatened and in times of need, affection and physical contact is the most reliable way to calm the beast in me.

Some cultures even believe wolves to be the highest animal in the spiritual plane as they tend to represent balance in nature. White wolves especially, are believed to live in the spiritual and physical dimensions at the same time, which enables them to act as a bridge between the two worlds. They are believed to teach the necessary lessons that enable to bring both of these lives into balance and help to understand the underlying purpose of events and issues in our lives.

If only that understanding would come now…right when I need it most!!!!

While I may not have all the answers, at least now, when things seem daunting in the woods, I try hard to remember what the likes of my alter ego craves in her time of need. More times than not, closing my tired eyes and getting a good scratch behind the ear does make the journey in the forest a little less wild.

Now Steve on the other hand…I’m not allowed to say what animal he is (he wasn’t pleased!!) but, let’s just say that I could eat him alive if he doesn't behave himself!!!!! Grrrr….

Sweet Madness and Glorious Sadness...

This past week has been very challenging and I couldn’t be happier to see Friday with the anticipation of a long weekend. Sometimes more than just the body needs the rest. Last night, after having been pushed to my emotional limits by my workplace, I stood in our kitchen filled with an anger that I don’t often experience and tears just streaming down my face. Life unfolds in many manners and at its own necessary pace, I have come to learn and accept that over time. However, last night, as I was expressing a degree of distress towards an ongoing conflict, I suddenly realized that I had had that very same conversation, in that very same place about two years earlier. The thought stopped me dead in my tracks as my mind drifted into the next question…”why then, was I having this conversation again”?? The answer was because I had simply never done anything about it the first time…because I let the wave of emotion pass over me and when the dust had settled, so did I. I settled back into an environment that I knew wouldn’t make me happy and that the emotion would be back again, but until then, life would go on. How many times has this happened?? How many times have you done the same thing over and over again, all the while, expecting different results?? How many times have you said “it could be worse” and continued on in spite of yourself?? There is something to be said for persistence…for picking yourself up time and time again and not giving up. However, at some point in time, you have to decide whether or not the destination is really worth sacrificing the journey.

I think that the older we get and the more commitments we have, the less our own life becomes a priority. Our goals slowly get put aside for any number of reasons and the path that we are on becomes the only path that we know. As children, we never see the world through such restrictive eyes. We spend years playing with the idea of what we want to be “when we grow up” and at the same time, never really knowing when that is. Something happens as adults though, something that Sarah McLachlan so eloquently states as “sweet madness and glorious sadness”…that state of complacency between the evil that we know and the evil that we don’t know. While the evil is unpleasant, at least it’s familiar and more times than not, we’ve developed all the essential tools for coping through it time and time again.

What happens though when there isn’t anywhere left to go or anything left to give?? When you suddenly find yourself caged in a place that you never thought you’d be?? Anger happens. Like all animals, when pushed into a corner without any more options, even the most docile of creatures will begin to fight back. They begin to turn their sense of fear into a sense of fury. With their feet firmly planted on the ground, they stop backing away and begin standing tall, prepared to do whatever needs to be done to ensure their survival. It is nature’s way of not letting you give up on yourself.

In the dimness of our kitchen, I suddenly realized that all this time, I had given up on myself. I had given up by allowing myself to think that I didn’t have options. I had given up by thinking that there was nothing to do but be backed into a corner. I had given up by believing that my desire for peace meant I couldn’t fight back. With a clarity that I had never seen before, I understood for the first time what Marilyn meant when she said that while someone may have been holding a gun to my head…I was giving them the bullets.

Without the bullets, someone can still take their best shot at you and it will still be loud, scary and unpleasant…but it has no ability to drain the life out of you anymore. Without the bullets, you will not fall to your knees, wounded and weak or be blinded where you stand.

I woke up this morning feeling like a different person. I no longer felt sweet madness or glorious sadness. I no longer felt overwhelming anger either. I felt like I had suddenly taken all the bullets away and was slowly moving away from the corner. The animal in me had just fought back...

I decided this morning that I am going to win the Giller Prize one day!! It’s a bit ambitious for a Wednesday morning but, hey, you do what you’ve got to do!!

In the meantime though, congratulations to Elizabeth Hay for winning the 2007 Giller Prize last night for her novel Late Nights on Air. Ms. Hay…you made the cold Canadian North worth $40,000!!!

I was a beast of a wife on Friday and ended up hurting Steve’s feelings. After too many sleepless nights, I ended up losing my patience with him and soon found myself in the presence of sad eyes that made me feel horrible. Obviously, I didn’t intend to hurt his feelings and obviously, the guilt set in quickly but, what surprised me most was how long it took for the guilt to subside. Given not only my “baggage”, but also my perfectionist nature, it sometimes takes me a long time to get over having hurt someone. In the past, if the people that I loved were hurting (be it because of me or not), they have always left…left the city, left the house, left the relationship…whatever. So I have become accustomed to relating a state of sadness to me being left behind. It has become a brutal and relentless insecurity of mine that I have yet to shake.

Steve doesn’t often get sad, so this side of me does not come up often in our relationship but, sure enough, there are times when my emotional state at the time overrides my sensitivity to his feelings, and then the flood gates open. He laid on our bed with a crushed look on his face and in an instant, when I should have been trying to make him feel better…I suddenly felt sick to my stomach as a twenty nine year old demon reared its ugly head. It’s never easy to get left behind. Rejection aside, it’s gut wrenching to get through those initial moments of saying what can’t be said and acknowledging that it’s all really happening. The signs are usually the same though…the silence…the knot in your stomach that tells you something horrible is about to happen and then finally…asking the question that you don’t really want the answer to.

Of course, this is not what happened to us. Steve wrapped me in his arms and told me not to be so hard on myself. This is marriage and the incident, albeit unkind of me, was insignificant in the big picture. I was tired, grumpy and I took it out on the man that I loved. It’s not the first time and likely won’t be the last. It’s the nature of imperfection and the reality of life-long relationships. What was frightening though was that, while my intellectual side was consciously aware of all this…my emotional side had turned into a seven year old girl gripped with fear that she was about to be left…orphaned, destined to fend for herself and once again, provided with proof that she is unlovable. I was caught off guard by how quickly this state overwhelmed me and how much I wanted to beg for another chance.

Reactions like this are not for the faint of heart. It takes years of conditioning to develop this in a person and only now, I am starting to realize its existence. It is evidence of some deeply rooted need to be perfect at all times and the moment that my so called perfection slips through the cracks…I am no longer worthy of being loved or happy, nonetheless forgiven.

My beautiful friend Kate said at her wedding that woman often need reminding that they are loved. I’ve seldom heard a statement that is so true and I often wonder if even the most confident of woman among us are spared these moments?? It’s true that I’ve carried far more “baggage” into our relationship than Steve has and in turn, it has required a great deal more work on my part to sort through the dark corners of my mind in order to clear out space for a life beyond my past. It hasn’t always been easy for Steve but, I think that I’ve done well. I think that I’ve bravely looked at the roads ahead and made the courageous choice that my life would be different. I think that I’ve devoted the time, the pain and the effort to seriously reconsider the toxins in my life so that I could forgive others and more importantly, forgive myself.

The challenge of such an endeavour became clear this weekend though when it took hours for the dust that my dagger had stirred up to settle. I had hurt the man that I love and couldn’t forgive myself for having done so. Somewhere, in the recesses of my mind, I believed that while all the work I’ve done has turned my life around, it still doesn’t change the fact that, in comparison to most, I’m still damaged goods and my margin for error then becomes much smaller than those around me. I was suddenly unworthy of being loved anymore and the only way to make things right was to endure the pain of watching him walk away.

How does this happen to a person?? Russ and I have often discussed the differences between how we perceive ourselves and how others perceive us only to realize that our realities are quite different. While some may see a strong, confident woman in me, there are times when I see (and feel) a scared little girl that desperately wants to be loved…and mostly by herself. I think it’s safe to say that we all have our insecurities and that everyone has moments of weakness that hit certain nerves more than others. Clearly, mine is a state of vulnerability in which I need forgiveness for my lack of perfection. I need reminding that even though I simply don’t get it right all the time, it doesn’t mean that I deserve the punishment of being left behind. Clearly, for all the work I’ve done…there are still bruised parts of my soul that have yet to heal from enduring years of brutal beatings. This has to be okay though because, although I refuse to be a prisoner to my past, I am shaped by it and as the saying goes, “our scars remind us that the past was real”.

And so we move ahead…our broken hearts still beating just the same…