a thousand miles...

I remember reading somewhere that "the journey of a thousand miles begins with a single step". Well, cleaning my baseboards today was my single step!

To say that this past month has been busy is to say that James Brown gets down; it's nothing short of an understatement! We have been on the go...endlessly. Some of it our own doing and some of it being the universe having its way with us. But either way, we are managing one day at a time!

We just got back from southwestern Ontario late on Saturday night. I needed to be in London to shoot a wedding so we figured that we would make a week of it and visit family as well. The result (for me anyways) was the majority of days being spent getting up at 5am and not hitting my pillow again until close to midnight. Not ideal but definitely a fun time spent during those waking hours.

But now that I'm home, I feel like life has somehow spun wildly out of control. Hence the baseboards! I have a tendency to clean when I feel disorganized! While it may not be entirely true, I do feel like the last little while has been spent frantically spinning my wheels; being super busy all day long but not really getting much accomplished. I'm not a huge fan of that feeling.

So, where does that leave me now? I still haven't really decided yet! My to-do list is still getting longer by the minute while the days continue to get shorter. The days tick away while all the tasks at hand do not. Funny how that happens!

At least my baseboards are clean!

a matter of time...

It was my birthday today. I turned thirty-two.

Thirty-two.

I can't say that I ever imagined what my life would be like when I was thirty-two but I can say that it was well worth the wait.

I spent the day quietly...reflectively.

Steve, Hudson and I went for an hour and half walk in the cool morning air and watched the world wake up. We had breakfast and coffee on a patio in the shade. I had a nap with my little boy. We went shopping for a bit. We took some pictures in a field of sunflowers. We had dinner and ice cream at my Dad's house. We watched the baby giggle and the sun go down.

It was the perfect day.

In a lot of ways it's also been the perfect year. Not to say that it's been an easy year necessarily...but it's definitely been the year. It's been the year that I needed; the year that challenged me; the year that rewarded me; the year that changed me.

It's been a good year.

I got pregnant. I went to Italy. I bought my first car. I fell even more in love with my husband. I started my own business. I became a mother. I spent some much needed time with my own mother. I healed a bit more. I started to see the world differently. I gave my parents a grandson. I said goodbye to some things. I said goodbye to some people. I became a photographer. I believed. I got scared. I moved forward anyways. I became a bit more like the person that I've always wanted to be.

It's been a great year. A really great year.

I'm still thinking about what it is that I hope to do in the year to come. Some things seem to be a given while others may or may not come with the territory.

I want to worry less. This I know for sure. I'm still not entirely sure how to do this...but I hope to tackle it as it comes along.

And my confidence. That is something else that I hope to address over the course of the next year. It's something that I owe to myself. Hopefully, I can also address some of that here...in this space that I've managed to neglect over the past four months.

I do think that one has a lot to do with the other. I believe that as my confidence improves, I will, in turn, worry less. My confidence in my health, my relationships, my appearance, my abilities...my faith. Perhaps at the end of the day, it all comes down to my faith and simply letting the rest go. But again, this is something that I will share with you further in due time. Because I want to. Because I need to.

But for right now, I have two hours and seventeen minutes left of my birthday. My perfect day. And until that time is up...I need no further improvement because this year has been exactly what it needed to be...

Perfect.

withdrawal...

I miss blogging!

I've missed it for about two and a half months now! I find that, being a parent, I now have a running commentary going on in my head at all times...perfect for blogging. But I also find that, being a parent, my spare time is no longer spent in front of a computer, nonetheless trying to make sense of the anarchy that happens in my mind!

And so I miss blogging!

Hudson just turned three months old and he is, by far, the love of our lives. A friend once told us that having children was like living in colour and she couldn't have been more right. I honestly don't think that I've ever laughed more in my entire life than I have over the course of the last month...even on the days that I've also been in tears by 8am (which has happened more than once!)! I mean really, when was the last time you got excited about the fact that your ears are actually attached to your head?!?!

I've noticed over the course of the last few months that my own needs have become as basic as my child's; eating, sleeping, a change of clothes every now and then, a little love and affection. My own desires during any given twenty-four hour period have become pretty similar! And all the while, it seems to work! Children are so wise!!!

I feel like I celebrated a small victory last week because Steve started his four month parental leave which means, in a nutshell, that I survived the first three months flying solo with my little man during the day! It's hard to say whether or not my first three months as a parent has been a success but, at the end of the day, I think that our son is happy and healthy. And as for me, I've learned more in the first ninety days of his life than I have at any other time in my own. No doubt, it's been challenging, but I think we did alright! We had an ongoing mommy date every Wednesday morning; we got through five seasons of Gilmore Girls (especially through the "I-refuse-to-sleep-anywhere-but-in-mommy's-arms-phase"!!); we learned how to put peanut butter on a bagel with one hand; and we walked. A lot. In fact, we walked so much that I walked myself right back into my pre-Hudson pants in ten weeks! Thank you baby boy!

The one thing that I have failed miserably at though, is establishing a routine for myself. I've done my best to create one for Hudson but in turn, as a result of dropping everything for his immediate needs, I haven't managed to do the same for mommy dearest! Hopefully this will change in the coming months as Steve and I finally get the chance to take co-parenting by storm!!

Having said all this though, I have managed to keep up one thing regardless of the day that we've had; reading. I've kept my books nearby at all times and new parent or not, I've read! Maybe not for very long or very much, but I've read. And it has helped. It's helped to give me stability and a sense of balance during this time in our lives that has more or less been turned inside out. So I may not have eaten as much as I should in the last three months but I have received my recommended daily requirement of non-fiction!

Between that, my husband and my son...I've got all the nutrients I need!!

(But I promise to work on getting a bit more calcium!!)

rockabye baby...

For my Hudson...
The littlest rocker in my life...

the coles notes...

It turns out that when your children finally get beyond that newborn stage to the more adorable and interactive stage...it also means that they need to be entertained! Apparently, just eating and sleeping just don't cut it anymore! So, that's us now...tuned in to the Hudson channel 24/7!

I thought that I would take a moment though, while Hudson "talks" with the octopus dangling from his playmat, to give you a brief coles notes version of life in the Smyth house...

~ It was 18 degrees this morning when I woke up at 5:20am. That's right...eighteen degrees with an expected high today of {wait for it...} thirty-eight degrees! Do you even understand how ridiculous that is?!?!?

~ Hudson will be eleven weeks old this Thursday. This is amazing to me! It makes me feel a little less like a total rookie parent! It also means that pretty soon, I may be emotionally recovered enough to tell you the story of how my epidural stopped working when I was nine and a half centimeters dilated {now there's an entry for the "Book of Awesome"!!}.

~ Speaking of Hudson, his future wife was born last week! Yup, you read that right...his future wife!! When a close friend of mine, who was also pregnant at the same time as me, found out she was having a little girl...we decided to kick it old school and betroth our children! It's never too early to get the ball rolling!

~ I finally finished A.J. Jacobs' book "The Know-It-All" and love, love, LOVED it! I'm absolutely going to read it again! But first, it's on to Yann Martel's new book, "Beatrice & Virgil". Let's see what kind of messed cannibalistic story Martel comes up with this time!!

~ I went back to work last weekend! And by work I mean my photography business! I took my men and we headed to Montreal for my first shoot of the season; my aunt and uncle's 25th wedding anniversary vow renewal and reception. It was awesome! Even when Hudson had a monster poop explosion in the middle of the ceremony!!!!! That little man can get away with anything having eyes like that!!!

~ Our favourite show, Lost, ended this past weekend and I'm pleased to say that watching this lunacy for the past six years was totally worth it! Not only was the series finale amazing but it also turns out that my theory was right all along! You can always count on the Catholic girl to know purgatory when she sees it!!

~ Lastly, I love etsy.com

Well folks, that's life on our end of town! Thanks so much to my two or three readers that still tune in!!!!!

The only thing cuter than our baby (in my humble opinion!!!)...
is watching my handsome husband with our baby...

{insert melting heart here!}

how the mighty have fallen...

It was 9pm last night. Steve and I were sitting on the floor of Hudson's nursery trying to eat our dinner during the five minute window of opportunity that we had when he wasn't crying. It turned out to only be about three minutes instead! Our delicious pasta dishes sat there on his change table getting cold while we took turns trying to answer the age old question; "what does he want now?!?!"

Hudson is going through some growing pains right now. In turn, so are his parents! It turns out that learning muscle control is no piece of cake for little babies and it has left us with a very miserable little man for the better part of this week. He has been left with a very miserable set of parents as well!

Hudson is seven weeks old today and last night, I declared a boycott on Mother's Day this year because I have yet to feel like I've earned it! I'm not going to lie...having a child can play a lot of tricks on your self-esteem! You should just essentially take everything that you thought you knew and just throw it out the window so that you can learn it all over again!!!

A very dear friend of mine (who is on her second child) once told me that the first few months of being a parent are spent grieving for the experience that you thought it would be. It sounded exceptionally sad at the time but in a lot of ways...she was right; when you're pregnant, you don't generally envision the days of crying babies and weeks when you barely fit in a shower. But not only do those days exist...they are numerous and plenty.

The emotional complexity of it though is that despite of all that, the depth of ones love and affection for their child is so profound that yes, you look at them through all of their tears and all of your fatigue...and you just keep going. I realized the other day when Hudson pooed all over me just how much I love that child because I was more excited for him for having pooed than I was sad for me that I was covered in it!!!! I would not have felt that way seven weeks ago!

As we sat there on his nursery floor last night watching our dinner get cold for the what seemed like the hundreth night in a row, I remember something that I had read earlier that day; "It's never too late the become the person that you've always wanted to be". How inspiring is that? It reminded me that right now, while we wait out the maturing of our little boy's digestive system, Hudson is literally growing to become the person that he is going to be and all the while, we are going through a growth spurt of our own...one in which we are becoming more of the people we hope to be. And one that clearly has to be learned with the help of inconsolable babies, swaddling with a vengeance and eating on the go!!!!!!!

Ladies and Gentlemen...welcome to parenting...Smyth-style!!

six weeks later...

Do you ever have those moments when your life feels like a dream?!?! I think that it would be safe to say that my life feels a little bit like that right now! One of those dreams when you wake up and it takes you a couple of moments to decide if everything is real or not! I can remember being in my tenth hour of labour and consciously wondering if this was all really happening or not?!?!? I think that I've been asking that very question ever since!!!

I was walking to Starbucks with Hudson this morning when it occured to me that the last time I had done that was the day before I went into labour. That was nearly six weeks ago. Six weeks! I've been a parent for nearly six weeks! Even just seeing the words seems strange. Stranger still is that I'm having a hard time remembering what life was like before Hudson came along. It's as though he's just always been there!

Now that I've actually survived to tell the story though, I've concluded that becoming a parent was very different than I anticipated; some things were much harder than I thought they would be, while others were far easier than I imagined...

Nights ~ EASIER!
Sleepless nights are the first thing you hear about when having a newborn! "You're going to be sleep deprived for the next decade" we got told on countless occassions. In reality though (at least our reality!)...it's not so bad! You still sleep...just in smaller chunks. And I was amazed how quickly our bodies adapted to the new schedule. Granted, our Hudson is an amazing sleeper and learned night from day fairly quickly, which means that we get five hour chunks of uninterrupted sleep throughout the night and I'll be the first to admit that this makes the difference between being civilized and total insanity!

Recovery ~ HARDER!
I think that physical recovery of labour really goes without saying but I was taken aback by the emotional recovery that comes with having a child. And perhaps recovery isn't really the right word. Maybe what I'm trying to say is that the emotional acceptance having a child is what I found so challenging. I'd heard from many other mothers that love and attachment didn't necessarily come right away after having a baby; that often it takes time to separate enough from the survival instincts in order to allow yourself to move forward with the emotional connection that comes with being a parent. This was not the case with me. From the moment I first layed eyes on our baby, I was truly, madly and deeply in love with our child. And that love was instantaneous. That love was also quite overwhelming. Much like when I first fell in love with Steve, the emotion was all encompassing and at times, a bit scary. That much love can be terrifying at times and I can vividly remember being up with Hudson at night and sometimes trying to hold myself back for fear of what lie ahead. I'm over that now but it was an element of having a child that I wasn't prepared for. Nobody really mentioned that in the What To Expect books!

Marriage ~ EASIER!
For many years, my biggest apprehension about having children was the idea of losing my husband. I've always heard that children come into this world ready to divide and conquer, so I feared what having a child would do to my marriage. This past six weeks though has done quite the contrary. If anything, I have fallen so much more in love with my husband since watching him become a father and our team building skills have improved so much that we're totally starting to think that we could take on The Amazing Race with a vengeance!! Seriously though, while there are certainly stressful moments that we have to deal with, having Hudson has enhanced our marriage in a whole new way...a very beautiful way.

Hats ~ HARDER!
Who knew that putting those teeny, tiny little hats on a newborn would take so much work?!?! And don't even get me started on keeping them on once you've succeeded!

Reintegration ~ EASIER!
I thought that it was going to take me a good couple of months before I would be ready to walk amongst the three dimentional people again but it turns out that once you're able to actually walk again, Starbucks is just as tasty with a little baby in tow ;)

Soft Spots ~ HARDER!
They freaked me out before I had a child and they freak me out even more now!

I also think it's worth mentioning that I was pleased to find out that labour in general was just as brutal as everyone always said it would be! I know it's strange to say...but I think I would have been disappointed to find out that all the hype was just a big hoax! Now, with that being said, I've also decided that until labour feels a bit more like playing with kittens...then I don't really want to do it again!!

It's amazing to me though how the hardest day of your life also ends up being the very best day of your life too...

our apologies (but not really!)...

Sorry for my blogging absence...I've been tied up with this bundle of ridiculous cuteness!!

I'm sure that you can understand!!!

seven days...

Hudson wasn't here with us at this time last week.

In fact, I was in my seventh hour of labour at this time last week. Hooked up to a splendor of monitors and IVs, we waited for our son to make his appearance.

Everything indicated that he was well on his way...but I wasn't so sure! I didn't believe the doctors because they had been telling me that for seven hours already; I didn't believe my body because it had been dilated for two weeks already; and I didn't believe Hudson because he was six days overdue already.

But I did believe my husband.

As he sat next to my bed, stroking my hair, I believed him when he said that it was almost time.

That time didn't come for another five hours and most of my memory of it is a flurry of doctors, nurses and a mad but futile attempt to block out the pain. But the moment did finally come and I remember that as though the moment has yet to pass; they placed our baby in my arms...Hudson looked up at me...I looked up at Steve...Steve was looking down at Hudson...and just like that, we had become a family.

And we haven't stopped looking at each other since.

In five hours, our baby will be a week old.

Thank you Baby Hudson for the best week of our lives...

sweet new love...

Ladies and Gentleman...
Please allow me to introduce to you the new man in my life...

Hudson Daniel Smyth
Born March 11th, 2010

He's handsome...
He's charming...
And just like his daddy...
He swept me right up off my feet!

lady in waiting...

Did you know that there is actually something called the Wicked Bible? It's an edition of the Bible from 1631 in which the editors accidentally (so it's presumed anyways!) omitted the "not" in Exodus 20:14...the verse that is supposed to say "Thou shalt NOT commit adultery". I can only imagine the confusion that must have resulted!

This is the kind of stuff that is taking up my time now that I'm beginning my fourth week off from work and still awaiting the arrival of our son. This little tidbit of information is courtesy of A.J. Jacobs and his book The Know-It-All, which has caused more than one perplexed look as I find myself laughing out loud in Starbucks over my morning coffee!!! What can I say? It's pretty funny finding out that while Caravaggio may have been a brilliant artist, he was also a complete and total jackass!

I'm finding that this period of time is like living in no man's land; I've left behind the life that I knew and am patiently awaiting the life that will be. It's a bit strange. It's been relaxing and reflective and while I probably knew this before...almost much needed. I've needed the time "away" and the opportunity to get used to life outside of an office. I'm still at a computer right now, but it's front of my living room window with my cat purring on my lap...a bit of a change from the desk life that I've experienced for a decade.

As a lady of leisure though, I've found that sleep has eluded me over the past couple of weeks. I've been taking advantage of the newly renovated Starbucks nearby and the shared custody that I seem to have over the corner chair by the window! I read my book, write in my journal or sometimes, I just watch the world go by and I almost always wonder if that day is going to be the day that our world gets flipped upside down. The funny thing is that on my way home, I also catch myself wanting to run errands; pick up some groceries, stop at the video store, etc. But I can't. I can't because none of those places are open yet! Can you believe that?!?! I've always been a self proclaimed "anti-morning person" and yet, here I am...walking home from my morning routine as people are just driving themselves into work!! Thank God that Starbucks considers the crack of dawn to be reasonable business hours!!

On another note, I'm learning a lot about Tugger by being home during the day!! The truth is that you never really know your pets until you've been around to observe them during their normally unsupervised hours!!! Just yesterday, I found him hanging out in our bathtub playing in the little puddles of water. I think that it's worth mentioning that all this time, he's given us the impression that even coming near our bathroom was the feline equivalent to descending upon the depths of hell! He also seems to fall down the stairs a lot from chasing his tail! I always figured that he knew that was attached to him!!!

I always remember hearing that "life is what happens when you're busy making other plans". Well, I've concluded that life, and barrels of useless information, is what happens when you're waiting to go into labour!

Who knew?!?!

happy due date to us...

"On a day like today...
the whole world could change...
the sun's going to shine...
shine through the rain...
on a day like today...
you never want to see the sun go down..."

~ B. Adams

go canada go...

Our father, who art in Vancouver, hockey be thy name.
Thy will be done, thy gold be won, on ice as well as in thy stands.
Give us this day our skates and sticks,
And forgive us our penalties as we forgive those who cross check against us.
Lead us not into elimination, but deliver us to victory.
In the name of the Canadian Mens' Hockey Team,
AMEN.

go big or go home...

Four years is a long time! When I think about who I was and what I was doing four years ago...it kind of blows my mind. It blows my mind in a good way though because it just goes to show how very unpredictable life can be sometimes. Coming from a person who thrives off of routine, I know that this sounds like a odd statement but it's been amazing to see how things have just sort of worked out in the end. Even the really challenging things...it all works itself out and there is something incredibly comforting about that.

I mention all of this because I realized just today that I had neglected to mention to all of you what the next four years of our life was going to look like. Of course, even the best laid plans have their kinks but there are times when you move out of short term plans and take a deliberate and conscious look at the bigger picture.

It kind of goes without saying that we are due to have a baby in a week! Crazy! So most of our life as of late has been in preparation for that monstrosity of an adjustment that is quickly coming our way. But when I say "preparation" I don't just mean setting up a nursery and taking pre-natal classes...I mean in the long run, how do we want our life to look now that we're going to be a bigger family? This was a question that Steve and I pondered for a long time as we began to realize the impact that our choices would have on our family as a whole.

After much prayer and much discussion, we felt that the stars were properly aligned in our world for a change of a bit more drastic proportions...(why stop at just having a baby?!?!)

I have officially been granted a four year leave of absence from my job! Geez, even just seeing the words on a screen looks strange but there you have it; Steve and I decided that with the current growth of our family and the growth of my photography career, that now is a perfect time to leave my desk job and take the proverbial leap into the life of parenthood and self-employment!

When people first here of this plan, I tend to get the standard reaction, being "ummm...isn't that terrifying?" The short answer is yes...at times, the thought of it is. But the long answer is a bit more complex than that. Aside from the fact that our business is thriving (I say our business because while I may be the one taking the pictures...there is simply no way that any of it would be possible without my better half around to be the voice of reason, along with countless other things!), it came down to a question of who do I really want to be? What kind of person do I want to be? What kind of parent do I want to be? What kind of life do I want to live?

I know, it's all rather intense for a Wednesday afternoon but I think that risk comes from asking the big questions...and not just the obvious ones.

So after much contemplation, the answer ended up being quite simple; I want to be happy! I want to be a happy person...a happy parent...and live a happy life! I want to create beautiful things...work with beautiful people...be home to raise a beautiful child...and at the end of the day, I want to be able to say that I took a chance on something...as terrifying as it may be!

I can't say where we'll be four years from now but one thing is for sure...at the end of it, I'll be able to say that I took a leap of faith; that I stepped away from my secure job for a life that was something I previously only ever daydreamed about. I'll be able to say that I left the land of pension plans and statutory holidays so that I could photograph the most amazing brides and grooms on their most amazing of days. I'll be able to say that I traded bi-weekly pay cheques for the immeasurable reward of watching my son grow up.

Mostly though...I'll be able to say that I was brave...

a pair of little ones...

I've been struck lately by how much the physical child living within me has made me more aware of the figurative child within me. Cognitive specialists tend to share a common belief that most forms of anxiety are learned behaviours developed early in childhood and in turn, adults diagnosed with any form of anxiety should pay special attention to the needs of their "inner child" in order to help overcome what can sometimes be a very debilitating condition.

I was once told by my cognitive specialist, after nearly three months of treatment, that according to his findings, for all intents and purposes, I should have, as an adult, become an alcoholic or a drug addict. He told me this so that it could act as a reminder that we all have the ability to make choices in our lives and that while we may be a product of our past...we are never forced to become a prisoner to it. I had apparently chosen to become something different than the textbook definition of what I was supposed to become. At the time, his statement didn't really make me feel much better because while it's true that I didn't subject myself to any form of substance abuse (I've never actually done a single drug of any kind in my entire life), I grew up internalizing a different kind of addiction; I became a chronic worrier and nearly obsessive about pleasing other people. In my mind, this form of self-abuse is just as bad and in some ways, even more toxic.

But then I became pregnant and for the first time in my life, my health and well-being directly affected the health and well-being of another person, and it wasn't long before I started asking myself the ever important question what do I need right now?

This seems like an easy enough question to address but what happens if you've never actually asked yourself that before? What happens when you genuinely don't know the answer because you've never taken the time to find out? This has been my experience over the past number of months.

I can say with utmost certainty that I have spend a great deal of my life putting the needs of others before my own. Truthfully, I haven't really known how to do any differently and in many ways, this has hindered my ability to grow into the person that I hope to be with any degree of confidence. I am changing that now...but it takes time and oh so much patience!

I once read that some years are for asking questions and others are for receiving answers, and I find comfort in this because it reminds me that the questions are just as, if not more, important than the answers. That being said, before I was able to start finding answers to the question what do I need? I found myself venturing more around the question of how much has the role of obligation, guilt and expectation played in my life thus far? Albeit completely unpleasant, this question had be asked because as my favourite author, Elizabeth Gilbert, once wrote "the rules of transcendence insist that you will not advance even one inch closer to divinity as long as you cling to even one last seductive thread of blame." So I began to ask the questions so that I could make room for the answers.

And I have to say that I've been surprised to see what has come up over time; what has come up actually has been this wolverine like desire to protect myself from things that were previously considered acceptable. This has translated into the need for some space, some time and every now and then...a nap!

So as our son gets ready to make his appearance in the world, it turns out that he is not the only child that I will be getting to know. That little dark haired girl inside of me is also making her appearance and helping to change my life in significant ways as well. Both children, with their innocence and wonder, need to be protected and loved and cherished...and both of them, in their own way and by their mere presence, will make my world a better place.

See you soon little ones...

fear and wonder...

"I praise you for I am fearfully and wonderfully made."
~ Psalm 139: 13

Steve and I spent most of the weekend on our family room floor suffering from overlapping colds; me recovering from one and Steve getting ambushed by another. It was Kleenex boxes all around! But despite the puddles of snot and medicinal aids (for him…not me *sulk*), we managed to find so much joy in our time together watching endless movies and two full seasons of Mad Men (don’t start…there’s no turning back!).

At one point in time though, as we were surrounded by blankets and pillows and orange juice, Steve got up to change one of the dvds that we were watching and as he did, I experienced one of those moments in which the world simply slows; when seconds seem like minutes, movements seem frozen, and time simply becomes stillness. It was weird. But during that moment, I noticed my husband. And when I say noticed I mean that I really couldn’t take my eyes off of him. I watched the way his t-shirt hung between his shoulder blades, the freckles on his arms that I love so much, how his boxer always show just above his jeans and the way he spins his wedding ring around his finger. I looked at my husband, with all of these little things that I love so much about him, and realized (for what seemed like the first time) that I am having a child with this man.

It was the strangest, most humbling and most beautiful of moments.

For nearly seven years, I have had this incredible man all to myself. For nearly nine months, I’ve had this little boy all to myself. And pretty soon, I have to share them both. My selfish self endured a split second of sadness at this realization. Then this thought very suddenly hit me: I am this man’s wife and I will be this boy’s mother.

Of all the things that I’ve ever been in my life, nothing has brought me to tears except the implication of that statement: I am this man’s wife and I will be this boy’s mother.

Me.

I have had the privilege of marrying the most amazing man that I have ever known and the blessing of creating a son with him. Together, we will witness his life as we also continue to stand witness to each other’s lives. And this overwhelms me. The love that I feel overwhelms me. The role that I get to play in each of their lives overwhelms me. The gift that has been bestowed on me in the form of these two beautiful men overwhelms me. I overwhelmed by a God so filled with grace.

I am this man’s wife and I will be this boy’s mother.

Me.

in case you thought your day was bad...

I hate being sick.

Of course I do...who doesn't?!?! But I mean that I really hate being sick. I hate having a runny nose, congested sinuses, not being able to taste anything and that horrible feeling that germs are just following me everywhere. I hate the need to clean my bed sheets five times a day in order to rid them of the plague that has infiltrated my immune system and I hate being trapped inside a body that is demanding that you take a time out. I'm a busy girl...I don't have time to be sick!

Further more, I'm a terrible patient! I whine and I sulk and I pout and I make life equally miserable for everyone within sneezing distance of me. It's really a lovely state of affairs!

{be sure to ask Steve sometime about having my wisdom teeth taken out...now there's a story for the record books!}

My one saving grace though is that when it comes to being sick...I'm not opposed to drugs! I generally steer clear of drugs most of the time if I can help it but drastic times call for drastic measures and when I'm sick, I'm more than willing to be in a neo-citron induced coma for any number of days! In fact, I think that my husband would be the first to agree that it's better for everyone's mental health that we always have a steady stash on hand! It has proven to be a necessity for the well-being of all parties involved!

But guess what? I have just stumbled upon a whole new level of misery that I didn't even know was possible; it's called being eight months pregnant and being sick!

I came down with a really nasty cold over the weekend that compelled my doctor to request that I stay home for the week in order to get better (because apparently giving birth is a pleasant enough experience without adding a runny nose to the mix!!!)...so here I am...at home...miserably ill...and not able to indulge in any of my well loved narcotics to get me through in my time of need. One word: BRU-TAL!

And to say that I have been less than delightful while I patiently wait to get better is a bit of a understatement! If you've never seen someone unleash full fledged rage upon a box of Kleenex then by all means...stop by for a visit! I'm quite confident that the idea of giving yourself a root canal will quickly seem far more appealing than sticking around to take care of me!

So yeah, in light of this recent turn of events, my husband has taken the liberty of upgrading my current patient status from "cranky" to "the land where happiness goes to die!"

Oh...and he's also added EPIDURAL in bright red letters to our birth plan!!!!!!!!

a gift from my son...

Five weeks. That’s what’s left; five weeks. In five weeks our son is due. In five weeks, I'll become a Mother and we'll become a family. That’s an awfully short amount of time when you consider that pretty soon a human being will come into this world relying on us for its very survival.

Five weeks.

I thought that when I became pregnant, I would be here more often. I thought that I would find myself writing far more frequently about the experience of carrying a child and the anticipation of becoming a parent. Instead, I found myself simply enjoying the various stages of being pregnant far more than wanting to document it. We haven’t really taken too many pictures and I’ve only posted a handful of blogs about it but that being said, we have taken time every single night for the past eight months to “spend” with our son…to consciously pay attention to his growth, his movements, his existence that is our blessing.

Looking back though, the one thing that I thought I would be forced to address more during this time was the physical changes that come with being pregnant. I’m quite certain that all women go into pregnancy knowing that their bodies will change…but I went into pregnancy anticipating that I would have a lot of difficulty coping with that change. Even though it has improved significantly over the past number of years, my relationship with my body hasn’t always been as healthy as it could be. On many occasions, I have felt betrayed by my body for reasons that have been completely illogical and for reasons that stem farther back than I care to remember. But being pregnant has been far less of a psychological struggle than I thought it would be…and I’m extremely grateful for that. Somehow, in the midst of the past eight months, I have been in a constant state of being able to remind myself just how much of a miracle creating a life really is and so far, my body has done an incredible job of making that happen.

Don’t get me wrong, I still have my anxieties about what my body will be like once our son comes into the world; how it will recover, how it will look (not just to me but also to my husband), how I will adjust “post-baby” and a plethora of other things that run wildly amok in the place that I laughingly call my mind! Those thoughts are still there and they still choose to make themselves at home but somehow, I find myself better able to regain my perspective and sense of center. And it usually happens when our little man moves around and reminds me, yet again, that my body isn’t just carrying another life right now…it’s creating another life; a life that will soon go beyond just him and I, a life that will intrinsically be intertwined in our own and most certainly, a life that will forever matter far more to me than the number of inches affiliated with my waist.

So, what does this mean for you dear readers? Well, I may need to you to remind me of this blog post three months from now in the event that I come back here complaining about my abs that don’t quite look the same!!! Remind me that there was a time when my little boy’s hiccups made me appreciate what my body could do instead of what it looked like.

Already, he's given me the greatest gift of all...and he's not even here yet...

amazing grace...

I keep forgetting to mention it here but, Steve and I have actually changed churches. Well, maybe changed isn’t really the appropriate word. Perhaps chosen is a bit better. We’ve finally chosen a church!

As most of you know, I am Catholic and Steve is Protestant. These are our technical labels but really, neither one of us really considers our faith denominational in any way. We love God and God loves us…regardless of what building we spend our Sunday mornings in. That being said though, for nearly five years, we’ve been splitting ourselves between two churches in order to share our faith among both of our religions. We’ve enjoyed both places but we’ve also felt like we could never really commit to either as long as we were trying to commit to both.

We have decided to stop attending my Catholic church and have committed to a more Biblically based teaching church that isn’t really denominational in any way. If they had to, I’m sure that they would say that they fall under the umbrella of the Protestant faith but their joy lies in simply loving God.

It’s hard to say what swayed us one way instead of the other and the decision was especially hard for me because I truly found God in the Catholic Church and the idea of not returning there every week was a struggle for me. But ultimately, I think that it came down to grace and what could help us grow spiritually as a couple.

I’ve been thinking a lot about grace lately because I think it’s something that sadly, our churches are really lacking these days. In my humble opinion, grace is the one thing that Christians should be embracing more than anything else and further more, teaching the world how to bestow it onto to others. Grace is something that I want our son to learn and grace is also something that I want our son to be surrounded with as he grows up in what can be a very unforgiving world. In order to do so though, we must lead by example and provide him with those surroundings.

I personally know a lot of people who would say the church’s lack of grace is the very reason not to belong to it; that it is just one of the many hypocrisies of organized religion but I have to wonder if running at the simple sight of a flawed design or discomfort is really the way to go…if it’s really the way to make the world a better place? I was having a rather heated “discussion” with someone who felt that religion was simply the crutch of a depleting society and wanted to know where God was during the simpler times; during the morning rush or the evening commute home? My immediate thought was that instead of turning your back on religion because you’re not seeing the arms and eyes of grace during your bus trip home at night…why not be the arms and eyes of grace on that bus instead of waiting for it to appear elsewhere? Why not be the smiling face or the person that gives up their seat for someone else? Grace can only exist because we enable it to…

And this brings us back to our decision to switch churches and the role that grace has played in that decision making; the bottom line is that I want to know God. I want to share in that knowing with my husband and I want our son to know God. But I also want to know God’s grace and to be in a position to teach it to my son, at least to the very best of my abilities. I want to be in a place of loving God instead of always trying to please God (which, let’s face it, simply can’t happen!) and I need the proper place to help nurture that growth in me. One place opened its arms of grace to us more than the other. Not to say that grace didn’t exist in both places…but I do believe that it wasn’t being equally practiced in both.

And so after having struggled with the decision for many months, I reminded myself that God can live in many places at one time…including a place that is different from where I first fell in love with Him.

It’s been a couple of months now since we’ve starting attending our new church exclusively and it’s been wonderful. It’s been filled with worship and gratitude and yes…a unified walk towards grace. It’s been a walk that has helped us to recognize love and peace in the most unlikely of circumstances and to appreciate our place and our purpose in this world…even when it can’t stop swirling around us.

For all of the indecision and the struggle to find my place for the devotion I want to give…I am left with only this: I love my church!