In 1990, Chris McCandless told his parents that he was taking a road trip out to California to visit some friends. In September of 2002, his body was found in the Alaskan wilderness by two moose hunters. Somewhere between leaving home in 1990 and leaving this world in 1992, McCandless changed his name, cut all ties with his family, donated his life savings and died alone on the edge of the earth. He was 24 years old.

Many years later, author and adventure writer, Jon Krakauer wrote the book Into the Wild, an attempt to backtrack and trace some of McCandless' steps as he evolved from being the graduate of a wealthy suburban family to a lone traveler determined to sever all association with the world he once knew. Most recently, Sean Penn directed the movie, which was released last Friday.

From the moment I first heard this story, I've been curious to know what happened to him?? What happens to someone to make them turn their back on everything and everyone they know to live in isolation?? Was it merely a desire to be rebellious or a sincere need to make the world stop turning, if even momentarily??

Both the book and the movie spend a great deal of time reflecting on the troubled past that McCandless had experienced as a child. While it seems clear that this highly contributed to the choices he made, many people face difficulties and challenges in their young life that doesn’t always result in taking the road that leads directly away from home.

Since having seen the movie, I’ve found myself caught off guard by the emotions I feel towards the choices that McCandless made. To leave everything and everybody in order to isolate himself troubles me a great deal and until recently, I couldn’t figure out why.

Many people, my husband included, believe that McCandless simply held humanity to a higher moral standard and when he saw that expectation crumble before his eyes, he felt that distance between him and society was the only way to mend the disappointment he felt towards the world he was living in.

I know that the first person to step up and defend McCandless’ actions would be my mother. Like McCandless, she struggles with the world being the way that it is and also like McCandless, she’s not here. She’s not here because ten years ago, she sold almost everything she owned, packed up the remainder of her possessions and headed into the wild. She ended up out West, on an island on hundred miles off the coast of British Columbia because apparently, land alone didn’t put enough distance between her and her past.

She initially moved out west when I first came to university and even now, I believe that it was intended at the time to simply experience life in a different way. My mother had lived the better part of twenty years for someone else and she desperately longed to break free of her obligations. She never hesitated to remind me that, had it not been for me, her life would have gone in a very different direction. As her daughter, this brought with it a unique form of guilt that only comes from knowing you are the bars that seem to be caging a wild animal who wants nothing more than to be free.

Eventually she left. She kept in touch for the first little while but, quickly, over time, her calls became fewer and farther between until eventually, she had no permanent number in which to make contact. I still called when I could but, had I not, months would go by without hearing from her or knowing where she was. About two or three years ago, when she stopped calling on my birthday or during holidays, was the first time that I realized that you can grieve for people long before they’ve actually passed on.

For most of my family, especially myself, we’ve had to mourn my mother because we know that she is gone and that she is never coming back. Though she hasn’t vanished entirely, being in her presence is like experiencing the afterlife of a woman I once knew. Like a ghost, she will appear from time to time in a way that causes the floors to creek in unsuspecting places and makes the hairs on the back of your neck stand on end. And just like that, she disappears as quickly as she came, leaving behind her an eerie presence that reminds you that unresolved issues still lurk in dark corners.

While I certainly don’t find much nobility in what McCandless did during the last two years of his life, I have compassion for it because he was young and in search of who he was outside of the mold he had been born into. I think that McCandless ultimately did find what he was looking for and in turn, his desire to experience human connection again enabled him to no longer be defined by a past that he couldn’t change. Ironically enough though, the very freedom that he so desperately sought is the very thing that left him to die a very slow and painful death alone in the woods.

My mother, on the other hand, had a daughter and she walked out of her life. Instead of two years, it’s been ten years. Even in the pursuit of betterness, there are selfish acts that you simply can’t take back. Like suicide, taking it upon yourself to end your existence in any way, whether it be through death or simply turning your head and walking away, leaves nothing more than a trail of people surviving in the aftermath that used to be your life.

My mother certainly wasn’t the first person to choose the consistency of nature over the unpredictability of humanity, and she definitely won’t be the last. While it’s true that the wild is happy to open its arms and welcome you as you search for solace, the wild will not weep for you when you stare up at the heavens to take your last breath. Like the people you choose to leave behind, nature can only give so much if you’re not willing to do at least some of the work on your own. Though it may be the most perfect of hiding places, in the end, you can never outrun your past.

Ultimately, for as long as you walk the earth, you can spend your entire life going into the wild but, you’re never really living at all until you manage to find your way out of it.

photo is a self-portrait taken by McCandless with a disposable camera. It was found undeveloped when hunters discovered his body.

It’s been said for countless years that it is our scent that brings us back in time…that it is our cellular memory for a specific smell that instantly reminds of us of a specific place, or more specifically, a person. This past week though, I’ve come to the conclusion that while our brains may be hardwired to associate scent, our hearts are programmed to beat to the rhythm of music.

Last weekend, Steve and I bought a new 80GB iPod. This new addition to our Apple collection is in anticipation of our big move coming up in February and our desire to purge certain parts of our past instead of packing it all in boxes en route to a new destination. Sometimes a good cleaning simply needs to be done!!

Back in May, we sorted through nearly 400 cds in preparation for the Great Glebe Garage Sale. While most of our cds were well worth keeping, some mistakes are better left behind…so for the bargain price of $0.50 apiece, we were willing to let someone else make the same mistake!!! Garage sale entrepreneurial skills aside though, we were still left with over 300 cds that we certainly wanted to keep but, realistically, we were never listening to anymore because most of our music was now being stored on our computers.

Much to my amazement, our new little toy had more memory than our PC computer and can store enough of our electronic lives to make my grandmother roll over in her grave!! With that being said, we decided that it was time to load all of our music and begin sorting it so that we could start enjoying our entire collection once again. So that’s what we’ve been doing all week…going disc by disc, loading our music and rating each song in order to make all 96 consecutive hours of our new found listening a bit more manageable!!

For five consecutive nights after work, as I sat on our living room floor, surrounded with little square plastic cases, I was reminded of how much time it has taken me to collect all of this music. Even in my poorest of days, I somehow always found the pennies to buy a new album. That’s when I realized just how much of my past is encrypted in these little silver discs.

Most woman possess various “parting gifts” from their past relationships…whether it be a favourite sweatshirt, a handful of photographs or in some cases, monumental battle scars from a war that was lost at the hands of time. In my case, without even realizing it, I securely stored the memories of my dating history in my music collection because, like Victor Hugo once said “Music expresses that which cannot be said and on which it is impossible to be silent”. While the men in my life may have come and gone over the years, they have all left a significant imprint on my musical taste, which in turn, has resulted in a musical collection that has overcome the test of time!

“…And all the roads that lead to you were winding and all the lights that light the way are blinding. There are many things that I would like to say to you…but I don’t know how…” ~ Wonderwall, Oasis

Julio was my first serious boyfriend back in high school. We were from different sides of the tracks and like all first relationships, it was all consuming. We got in endless trouble for sneaking out of each other’s bedroom windows during all hours of the night and nothing made us feel more oppressed than being grounded from seeing each other. In a time when the alternative likes of Pearl Jam and Nirvana were first making their appearances, we were captured by the world of R&B and any other album that could remind you of just how lonely you really were (teenagers are so intense and dramatic!!)!!! We listened to Lauren Hill before she became “miseducated” and chased waterfalls with TLC. While I haven’t purchased a R&B cd in over fifteen years, CrazySexyCool and The Fugees will not only bring me back to long adolescent nights in London with Julio, but will remain two of the best albums of all time!

“…And like his promise is true, only my faith can undo the many chances I blew to bring my life to anew. Clear and blue and unconditional, skies have dried the tears from my eyes, no more lonely cries.” ~ Waterfalls, TLC

My first year of university was marked by numerous events; The death of Princess Diana, the great ice storm of 1998, my gorgeous French boyfriend and new albums by Oasis and Sarah McLachlan and U2. Sebastien and I suffered from lust at first sight…which certainly wasn’t the worst condition to have when you are away from home for the first time!!! For the eight months of my first year (he was in second year), Mirrorball could be heard throughout the halls of Thompson Residence. Seb and I lived nowhere other than the present. We were lost in each other and Big Shiny Tunes! It was hopeless from the very start!! Late nights in our new city, new friends, a coffee revolution and a heartbreaking crash when it all came to an end the following summer. It’s good to know that at least some things from that year lasted!!

“All the fear has left me now, I’m not frightened anymore. It’s my heart that pounds beneath my flesh, it’s my mouth that pushes out this breath…And if I shed a tear, I won’t cage it…and if I feel a rage, I won’t deny it…I won’t fear love…” ~ Fumbling Towards Ecstasy, Sarah McLachlan

The summer of 1999 brought Vince, my first true love and just like my life, he influenced my musical taste in a way that changed forever. Vince had a brilliant musical mind. He worked in the radio industry and was a phenomenal performer himself. He single handedly turned me into a concert junkie!! The summer that he walked into my life I not only fell in love for the first time but, I fell in love with rock music for the first time. I fell fast and I fell hard!! Creed, Stone Temple Pilots, U2, Travis, Oasis, The Tea Party, Our Lady Peace, Staind, Smashing Pumpkins, Coldplay…oh let me count the ways!!! Even now, if I hear certain songs, I can picture him playing his guitar at the Elbow Room…his dark hair and the raspy voice that comes from too many years of smoking!!

However, like all great loves, when they come to an end, certain things become off limits during the treacherous time of recovery. In this case, most Ottawa landmarks and my love affair with rock music were among them!!! On top of that, a post break-up encounter locked all of Nickelback’s early albums off the radar for a while too!!

“I see your shadow on the street now, I hear you push through the rusty gate. Click of your heels on the concrete, waiting for a knock coming way too late. It seems an age since I’ve seen you, countdown as the weeks trickle into days…” ~ My Happiness, Powderfinger

Once the dust of Vince had settled and I opened my eyes again, I came across the tall and devastatingly handsome, Damon. The charm, the smile and the eyes were enough to make anyone’s heart start beating again!! At the risk of sounding too much like Meredith Grey though, Damon was my “non-boyfriend”…the guy that I never actually dated but still took me a year to get over!!! He had cast his curse of the perfect kiss on me and just like that…my cd collection grew once more!!!

Something about Damon reminds me of the ocean. He was a very free spirit that somehow, seemed so forbidden to me. The ocean is one of nature’s most spectacular creations but, it’s also a dangerous force to be reckoned with and simply isn’t meant to be tamed. With a foot here and a foot somewhere else, he reminded me of what it was like to stare deep into the crystal clear water…always thinking that you can see the bottom and never realizing just how deep really you are. Perhaps on the shores of the ocean it would have worked, but on the solid soil of land, I just found myself longing for someone that I couldn’t have. My time with Damon was short lived but, the soundtracks to the Beach and Blue Crush were not.

“…On a clear day, I’ll fly home to you. I’m bending time getting back to you. Old moons fades into the new…soon I know I’ll be back with you. I’m nearly with you…” ~ Destiny, Zero 7 (Blue Crush Soundtrack)

Then, of course, there is the single man that simply can’t be compared; the one that managed to pull me out of the chaos and love me despite all of my musical taste!! The soundtrack of my marriage isn’t a musical accompaniment to devastating last words or the background music of our first meeting. Rather, it’s burned onto a pile of cds in our car as commemorations of every road trip we’ve taken together. Much of our relationship has been spent behind the wheel of a car and much like driving, our relationship entails the two of us, side by side, looking ahead in the same direction. Unlike my past relationships, my marriage is always in motion. We are constantly on the road because we simply feel no need to stand still. Life is about growing and discovering and for the first time, I haven’t had to choose one over the other. Whether on the coast of the Hawaiian Islands, the South-Western Ontario highways back home or our trans-pacific adventure to Australia, we always have our favourite road trip songs in tow; Linkin Park, Chevell, Sensefield, Mobile, Lifehouse, Eddie Veder, Blue Rodeo, Lenny Kravitz, 3 Doors Down…and anything else worthy of being blared out of the car windows with our luggage in the trunk!! When the sun setting on the horizon leaves us without any more words…there is always the music.

“I wish that I could fly, into the sky, so very high, just like a dragonfly. I’d fly above the trees, over the seas in all degrees, to anywhere I please. Let’s go and see the stars, the milky way or even Mars, where it could just be ours. Let’s fade into the sun, let your spirit fly, where we are one, just for a little fun…” ~ Fly Away, Lenny Kravitz

And when there wasn’t butterflies in my stomach and a date to be had…there was David Usher, John Mayer, Raine Maida, Aaron Lewis, Dave Matthews and many other beautiful boys to sing me to sleep. After all, until I found the perfect man, I would have the perfect cd collection!!

Like the books on my shelves and the photos in my albums, my music collection is like a road map of my life, indicating where I’ve been and whom I traveled with along the way. I can trace back the days of long stretches in the back country and the random detours of poor judgment but, in the end, all roads lead here; Steve and I compiling our collective pasts as we move ahead into our hopeful future.

Ottawa is an exceptionally beautiful city and though I've lived here for ten years now, I never get tired of its landscapes. It's difficult not to stand in its presence and be inspired. One of the rare things about Ottawa is that the main 400 series highway (aka. the Queensway) coming from Toronto runs directly through the middle of downtown. While you drive yourself to or from, you are literally overlooking the core of the city. Since we also have the very rare situation of not having any kind of train system within the city, the Queensway in many ways divides the city or, for lack of a better expression, becomes the "tracks".

As the age old expression goes, Ottawa, like any other city, has its "wrong side of the tracks". Given the rate in which our city is growing, our questionable neighborhoods tend to vary at an overwhelming pace as the population moves in various directions. Regardless of the prosperity Ottawa sees in the coming years though, the Queensway will always maintain its role as the great divide. Literally, no more than three blocks seperate the rough and tough streets of Centretown from the million dollar homes of the Glebe and the Golden Triangle.

A few days ago, I was out for a walk in the beautiful autumn air and as I crossed under the Queensway heading towards the River, I began to think about some of the landmarks that divide our life. In the same manner that cities and neighborhoods often have a line drawn in the sand, so too do the moments and seasons of our own evolution. With this question mark in the forefront of my mind, I found myself drawn to the new pedestrian bridge over the canal connecting the Golden Triangle to the University of Ottawa campus. Standing there, watching the sun set behind the Chateau Laurier and the Parliament Buildings, I realized that where I was standing, the Rideau Canal, was the metaphorical train tracks of my adult life!!

The intial proposal for the Rideau Canal came just after the war of 1812 when there was still a threat of the United States attacking Britain's Colony of Upper Canada. The 202 kilometre waterway was to include 19 kilometres of man-made route and a total of 47 locks at 24 stations along the canal. By using the the Rideau Canal and the Ottawa River to connect Montreal to Kingston, it avoided having to use the St. Lawrence River and leaving the British vulnerable along the border of New York State.

The Rideau Canal was built by thousands of Irish and French-Canadian labourers, many of whom ended up dying from malaria and various other diseases. Construction of the canal was eventually completed in 1832 but, since there were no further military conflicts between Canada and the U.S., the canal never ended up being used for its original purpose. But, it did make one hell of a skating rink!!!

The canal is now the oldest continuously operated canal system in North America, home to the largest skating rink in the world (stretching 7.8 kilometres) and just this year, it was registered as an official UNESCO World Heritage Site. For all its fame and glory though, even more importantly, the Rideau canal is essentially the no man's land between my two most significant lives...my single life and my married life!!

The University of Ottawa campus is located right along the East side of the canal and that's exactly where I found myself in the Fall of 1997 when I first moved into Residence! For the numerous years that followed, I remained no more than four or five blocks from campus in the student neighborhood known as Sandy Hill. While boyfriends came and went during that time, I was finding my place in the world, on my own, when I lived there. Heartbreak, countless roommates, too many jobs, too little money and identity crises a plenty basically defined my years on the East side of the canal. Albeit a challenge at times, I have tremendous memories of it that never fail to make me smile. There are few times in life like that of leaving home and surviving on your own. At times, it was just that...surviving. With time though, it started to look a bit more like thriving until eventually, I opened my eyes one day and found that I had built a life for myself.

Four years ago, Steve and I moved in together. We found the most amazing apartment that we fell in love with instantly...but, it was on the other side of the canal!! I had never lived there before and while I had heard stories about life "over there", it was hard to know what was real and what was simply an urban legend (is it true that they only eat granola over there?!?!). The one thing that I did know to be true though, was that adults lived over there and somehow, this meant that I had become one of them!!!

Sure enough, the transition wasn't so bad!! We blended in just fine and have loved life among the responsible people! I'm not sure if it's something in the water or not but, it seems that as soon as we moved there, the road to adulthood progressed at lightning speed! Three months after signing our lease we got engaged...thirteen months later, we got married...and two years after that, we bought our first house. Beware of life on the other side...growing up soon follows!!

I've enjoyed reflecting on this transition in my life because this past week, Steve was away in North Carolina and for the first time in a long while, I've been left to experience life on my own again. It was amusing to see how quickly some of my signature single behaviour came back to me!!! My eating habits changed, I became a slave to Harry Potter and just like that, the night hawk in me came back to life (which also means that I was late for work almost every day!!). By late Wednesday night, when my handsome other half landed at the airport, I realized that he is not just my husband...but also my voice of reason!! Yes, it's true that 7am is a lot less painful when you go to bed at 10:30pm instead of 2:30am (something I did twice while he was gone!!) and it's amazing what comes from eating more than just peanut butter for days on end!!!

As I was standing there on the bridge overlooking over the canal, with my past in one direction and my future in the other...I couldnt' help but smile because I had no idea back then just how long a walk it was really going to be to the other side. So long in fact, that you're a completely different person by the time you get there. I love that I can go and visit my old life whenever I want to. I love that a beautiful new bridge was built to make the journey easier than it was the first time I came over. What I love most of all though is that when I'm finished looking enjoying the view, I can simply click my heels, turn around and walk back to my husband and life on other side..right where I belong!!!

But just to be safe though...I'm always sure to throw a coin in no man's land for good luck before I go!!

Did you know...

If MySpace were a country...it would be the 8th largest in the world...???

It's worth thinking about...

They say that you should do something everyday that scares you! Well, this past weekend, I allowed my friend Julie to convince me to start my own column in the National Gallery of Canada's Newsletter called Untitled. It's internally produced and distributed among the NGC and CMCP staff, so it's readership is pretty limited (350 staff) but, everyone's got to start somewhere!!

My column will be called "Beyond the Vaults" and the first issue will be out on Wednesday (complete with my picture and everything)!!

Eat your heart out Carrie Bradshaw!!

Frustrated Ottawa Writer...

Last Friday morning, some friends and I had the unusual treat of waking up to Blue Rodeo before we headed off to work for the day. Canada AM was being taped live in Ottawa and sure enough, down to the street from our offices, people crowded the streets to get an early glimpse of one of Canada's favourite contributions to the music industry. So, at the crack of dawn, as the sun was still rising, I dragged myself out of bed, met Julie, Jamie and Lisa at our nearby Starbucks, and spent one of the most enjoyable Friday mornings I've had in a long time!! In the coolness of the autumn air, we joined others in the ByWard market and let the excitement brush off the cobwebs!! We crossed paths with many other colleagues and Ann Marie McQueen from the Ottawa Sun even "outed" me in the Saturday edition of the paper regarding my no-longer-a-secret crush on Seamus O'Regan!!

Just when I thought my morning couldn't get any better though, I received the unexpected surprise of finding out that Margaret Atwood was being interviewed live before Blue Rodeo's appearance. In town for the theatre production of her novel, The Penelopiad, Atwood came across as a very refined woman and I would have given anything to sit down and have a chat with her! Albeit brief, it was so exciting to see her in person!!

Lately, I've been feeling rather discouraged about my writing. To have such a strong desire to move ahead in a particular direction, yet the challenge of physically moving your foot in that direction can be so frustrating at times. As a woman, my imagination often gets the better of me and to consistently remind myself that this change is possible can be very exhausting and mentally draining. Yes, it takes exceptional optimism to make a life of being a writer...and most of the time I have that optimism. Today however, I do not.

As I listened to Atwood on Friday morning, I was simply fascinated by the fact that I was no more than a hundred feet away from someone that was being considered for the Noble Prize in Literature and I couldn't help but wonder if there were ever times when she felt this way as well..?? Is it possible that there was a time when Atwood questioned whether or not the evolution of her writing would ever amount to anything..?? A part of me wanted to simply pull her aside and say "Margaret...please, please tell me that it will all be okay. Tell me that every writer must endure the vicious cycle that comes from letting yourself be written". Of course, I didn't. Instead, I sipped my pepperming mocha, enjoyed the company of my friends and let myself be mesmerized by the likes of Blue Rodeo (and yes, Seamus!). Somehow, I didn't think that taking a running leap at Margaret Atwood during a live interview would be the best way to ensure a good reputation in the writing community (but rest assured, the thought did cross my mind!!!)!!

Eventually, I left the scene of our Friday morning diversion and headed back to my "real world"...a world that I enjoy very much...I only wish that there was more of it. Though I still remain stumped regarding my next move, I also know that an evolution of any kind isn't an all or nothing choice. Life goes on while my attempts go on with it. Bit by bit, I create, I contribute and I attempt at putting something out into the world. I hope that something I put out there will eventually find its way to becoming significant but, not all writers are destined for the same road...a reality that I remind myself of far too often perhaps.

So that's where I am right now. I need advice. I need encouragement. I need lights to guide the way. I need Margaret Atwood to call me up and invite me out for a drink!! In the meantime though, I need some reassurance and a plan...a plan that, at the very least, goes somewhere. And I need to know one thing...

Are all writers as dramatic and complicated as I am...?!?!?!

Help Heather WIN...!!!!

On a recent visit to the Kingston Fall Fair, my sister-in-law Heather and her two friends participated in the Tourism Ontario Karaoke contest, singing the new jingle. Please check them out, sign in and vote for them...they can win stuff!!!

Currently, they are on page 8 under "Most Recent" (it's a picture of three girls, the shortest in the middle is wearing a green hoodie, Heather is on the left in a black jacket and Hanna is on the right in a grey jacket)...

Please vote for Heather's singing debut here...

Voting ends October 15th.

What's the best piece of advice that you've ever received from another person??

When I was working on Parliament Hill, my colleague was a retired executive who was trying out a new career, so needless to say, her life experiences far exceeded mine. At the time, her sister had just suffered the loss of her two twin babies and surprisingly enough, their family was experiencing death for one of the first times. I was having a particularly difficult one morning day and as I vented to my colleague, she reminded me "as long as you have your health, everything else is manageable".

She was so right! While she wasn't trying to dismiss my feelings at the time, she was trying to remind me that when we are faced with inter-personal challenges or difficulties with work, as long as we are healthy,we are never without choice...we always have the option of making a move in a positive direction. I know for myself, I tend to lose my sense of perspective when I feel caught in the midst of a crossfire. However, when you are handed a serious illness or a threat to your life, you no longer have that option as the final decision soon becomes out of your control. My colleague's advice had such an impact on me that nearly my entire value system is now built around that single statement.

So, tell me...what's the most important and influential piece of advice someone has ever given you?? If it's worth remembering, then it's definitely worth sharing.

Okay, this is going to sound a bit melodramatic but, I've been noticing lately how easy it is to get bummed out these days!! With the change of seasons, the many demands on our lives, the constant tragic stories that you find on the news...it's easy to slip into a state of forgetting our real priorities. The simple miracle of being alive often gets overlooked by bills, rush hour traffic and our inability at times to find our own middle ground.

I know that when I feel like this, I am quick to find refuge in those things that bring me back to my centre...more often than not, the Bible or going to church, writing and reading or just finding a way to reconnect. I do have another secret weapon though...one that hightens nearly all of my senses and reminds me of how glorious it is to just wake up everyday!!

This has been one of my favourite songs/videos ever since it was first released many years ago. Whether you are feeling under the weather or on top of the world...take a moment and watch this!

Look at the beautiful images...listen to the amazing lyrics...hear the inspiring music...and try, try, try...to feel this way everyday. Because everyday, when the sun rises and we open our eyes, that is worth raising our hands to the heavens and being thankful for!!

"Every year another promise is made...a pint of beer raised towards a better day...let's find a star, a star to call our own...and make a wish, maybe we can make it home..." ~ Edwin (Alive)

When I was about seventeen years old, my Mom and I moved into an apartment on the second floor of a house in the old South area of London. Once we moved everything in, I spent the entire rest of the weekend painting my bedroom, putting my pictures back up and arranging everything just as it was before we moved. When I was done, I dipped my hands in the paint and left my handprints on the back of my door. I wanted some evidence of my presence to be left behind. I wanted there to be proof that someone’s adolescence had occurred within those walls.

My Mom and I moved a lot when I was young. I can remember six or seven different places that occupied our lives while we were in London. While it always seemed to bother the people around us, I always thought of it as an adventure. While our lives happen to consistently change addresses…home was always where my Mom and I happen to be at that moment. Changing homes just seemed so insignificant compared to the many other things that were constant; we had lots of family nearby…we still had a girls’ night out every Friday…I still graduated high school with many of the same people that I started kindergarten with…I still had baseball practice twice a week …we still had a Christmas tree every year and a pumpkin every Halloween. Some things just never changed.

Or so I thought.

In the fall of 1997, shortly after I moved here to Ottawa, my Mom decided to move to B.C. She packed up her things, hopped on a westbound bus and just like that…I was homeless. Of course, I wasn’t actually homeless but, while all of my classmates headed home for the holidays and long weekends, every physical trace of my existence now fit into a top floor bedroom that I was renting in Ottawa’s student ghetto. I hadn’t carved my initials in a backyard tree…there was no pencil marks indicating my growth spurts on a family room wall…the handprints on my bedroom door had long been painted over…and the single person that I knew to be home was suddenly a world away. I guess that’s the thing about moving around a lot; while on one hand, you learn to never rely on your past too much…on the other hand; you couldn’t have even if you wanted to.

For the next four or five years, I was living life like a nomad…a person with no permanent home but moves about according to the seasons. I lived in countless different places with countless different people. It wasn’t much different than what I had known for most of my life and when you’re a student, almost everyone around you is going through the same thing too; living off of eight month leases and trading in roommates as often as we did textbooks. It became apparent to me that as I got older, I desired a “home” more than ever, because with all the change and instability in my life, I very much craved some sense of familiarity…a place to go back to that could help remind me of how far I’d gone. There is no worse feeling than being homesick for a home that doesn’t exist.

As life settled down a bit, so did I. In the spring of 2004, Steve and I moved into our current apartment. One of my favourite memories of our relationship was the weekend that we moved in here. It was a cold, stormy March weekend. We ordered delivery and stayed up all weekend arranging our apartment as the first step in building our life together. We simply couldn’t get enough of our newfound domestic arrangement! We’ve been happily enjoying our little abode ever since and for me, it’s the first home that I’ve known in many years. The more time that I spend here though, the more I have begun to rely on the comfort and stability of having a place that defines and reflects who we are as people. Our home has become our castle and when all else fails in the world, we can come home, close the door and know that among our 640 square feet…there is love and happiness.

As I write this, I am looking at a picture of one of my favourite places in the entire world; my mother and father-in-law’s home in Tilbury, Ontario. A beautiful, Victorian home in South Western Ontario filled with memories, family and the constant aroma of something baking!! Three or four times a year, all of us kids pack up our vehicles and endure the long drive home to spend holidays and weekends together as family. We all trickle in at varying times throughout the night but, come the next morning, we would all meet downstairs in our pajamas around the dining room table for breakfast. I love going to Tilbury. I love it because whenever we go there, I am reminded that I am someone’s daughter and for as long as we go there, there will always be cookies on the kitchen counter to eat in the middle of the night. It won’t ever matter how old I am…when I walk through the doors of Carlyle Street, I am, once again, someone’s child.

The concept of having a home and the importance of it in my life is more prominent now because this past week…the walls of our first home went up. Steve and I made the decision to build our first home back in May and now, I can drive by and see what will soon be our front door. Having no memory of ever living in anything that has been owned before, this next step in my life carries a lot of significance. For four months now, Steve and I have been choosing everything from electrical outlets and sub-flooring to kitchen counters and pot lighting. Our apartment is a flurry of paint chips and design magazines, and one day, all of this work is going to make a home. But sink faucets and hardwood floors aside, it will more importantly be home to future Christmas trees, Halloween pumpkins, family dinners, four legged friends, two legged additions to the family and a foundation in which to call our own. I hope very much to fill it with the same love and sense of security that our home in Tilbury never fails to provide us with. This home will hopefully reflect our desires as creatures of comfort and also reflect our desire to make those we that we love always know that they have a home too. While Steel Street will become our new haven, it’s equally important that Christina always has her own room and a soaker tub for her post-marathon rituals…that Marie will always have a hideout during football season…that Priya and Rohan will always have a place to go on Halloween for the best treats…that Heather and Roberta will have a fireplace to warm up next to after too many hours on the canal…that Kathy will always have a kitchen stocked with all of her necessities and a place on the wall for candy ribbons…that our door is not just our own…but home to those that have always done the same for us.

Our home will always be their home because, without them, our home simply isn’t complete.

On that note, we look forward to seeing you in February of 2008, as the newest Smyth home opens its doors for many years to come…

For pictures of our home’s progress, click here.

I miss Christina...!!!

Ernest Hemingway once said, "If two people love each other, there can be no happy end to it". I first read this in my second year of university and I was highly bothered by it. It seemed to go against everything that I knew to be true as the hopeless romantic that I was. Didn't love always prevail in the end?? Wasn't love the very reason that we had happy endings in the first place?? While I've stood by my beliefs about love to this day...I've also never forgot that quote and how much it disrupted the very core of my being.

Last week, I had the most extraordinary day with my new friend, Ben...father of my good friend, Jesper. Ben lives in Victoria and has been in Ottawa visiting Jesper and his family for the past month or so. He came by the Gallery last week to spend the day and for the first time, I had the opportunity to meet this wonderful man that I had heard so much about. We went on a tour of the vaults, visited the restoration lab, had lunch and after Ben spent hours upon hours strolling through the European Galleries, the two of us sat together talking and overlooking the gardens for awhile. While we were there, it suddenly occurred to me what Hemingway must have been going through when he uttered those words. And just like that...my heart broke.

As much I adored meeting Ben and spending the day with him, I would have given anything to not be meeting him under the circumstances that we were; as Ben flew to Ottawa, he was leaving behind a moment in his life that we all know is coming but, for the sake of our own sanity, we pursue life in spite of it. This past June, Ben's wife died. He is here in Ottawa with his family to make the days and nights more bearable, along with everything else that becomes too hard to endure when you lose someone that you love.

If you can believe it, Ben and his wife had been together for 64 years...an accomplishment that is so rare in this day and age. Ben was now living in a world that no longer included his best friend and that sadness seemed to follow him everywhere he went. Of course, he still smiled and laughed and not only found joy in others...but brought joy to others, especially to me. But when you watched him, you could almost see the outline of the person that should have been standing next to him, holding his hand and looking at him longingly in a way that only a wife of 64 years could. You could feel her presence yet at the same time, you just knew that something inside Ben physically ached because she wasn't entirely there with him.

I cried that night when I went home. I cried because I had wanted to cry all day but I couldn't do that to my new friend. I cried because the very thought of a life without Steve would bring me to my knees. I cried because I knew that Ben was likely enduring the hardest thing that he would ever have to do in his life. And I cried because Hemingway was right. If you find yourself fortunate enough to walk through life with someone...a day will come when you will have to walk alone again. If you have the purest form of love, you will likely be separated by death and be left with only the beautiful memories instead of the resentment of divorce. But in the end, God will likely take you one at a time and that is the very foundation in which Greek tragedies are built on. Romeo and Juliet may not have known Hemingway but they certainly knew that a life spent together meant that they could no longer live life any other way.

Clearly, Hemingway had loved and lost. As it turns out, in its entirety, Hemingway actually said "There is no lonelier man in death, except the suicide, than that man who has lived many years with a good wife and then outlived her. If two people love each other there can be no happy end to it". I wonder if I would have felt differently had I heard the whole quote back in second year?? I wonder if I would have felt so sad for Hemingway that I wouldn't have risked the same kind of loneliness?? Probably not. Even now, there is no emotion that isn't worth risking for a life spent with the man that I love.

Of my day spent with Ben, one of my favourite moments with him was when we were sitting at the end of the day in the silence of the Galleries. Ben was telling me all about ballroom dancing with his wife during the war. If I closed my eyes and stayed very still, I could picture them as newlyweds in Denmark, young, in love and dancing the night away to the Vienna Waltz!! Ben spoke to me with a hopefulness, humour and a sense of wisdom that only comes with a unity lasting more than half a century. I felt privileged to be sharing in this moment and in his memories.

It was when Ben finally spoke to me about the eloquence of marriage that I began to realize that although Hemingway was justified in his sorrow, he was forgetting that love in and of itself is a happy ending. To love and laugh with another person and to be a witness to someone's life is the ultimate reward. Yes...the deeper we love means the deeper the pain when we are forced to endure it but, that's because the love is also enduring. The love still exist even though our other half may not. To create something so everlasting...something that outlives us and our physical presence is truly what fairytales are made of, and it's also what Ben and his wife are made of.

The impression that my new friend left on me is simply unexplainable. I was fascinated by his stories and his advice and his incredible outlook on a life yet to live. And while it's a life that will never be the same, it's a life that has been touched by the very definition of what God hopes for his children...to love with all your heart and all your soul. I don't know that I will ever stand in the European Galleries again without smiling and hearing the waltz in the background. I don't know that I will ever look at life and love the same way again and most of all, I will never look at my marriage the same way because thanks to Ben, I understand that "there are three people in a marriage; there is you and there is me and there is us". No matter what happens to you and to me, there will always be us. Us...is and always will be the happy ending.

I have a lot to do! This occurred to me this morning when I felt a sudden rush of “too much to do and not enough hours to do it in” syndrome! People always say that the end of the world will arrive with angels on white horses and trumpets blowing. I’m starting to be convinced that the world will end in a hail of post-it notes and to-do lists!! I say this because without them, my world would be a frenzy of brainpower being used aimlessly just to remind myself what day of the week it is!! Right now, I’m using my lists to remind me to do everything from filling out my life insurance forms to getting my favourite black boots fixed. At times like this, I highly recommend upgrading to coloured post-its if you can (I’m currently using purple!)…they become more inviting to look at all day!!

I actually thoroughly enjoy having a lot to do…it keeps me out of trouble!! But right now, in an attempt to shift my life in a new direction (or at least organize myself enough to be prepared when it does!), I find myself with a lot of necessary “little things”, without which, the big picture wouldn’t be possible; I have a lot archiving to do. I have a lot of research to do. I have a lot of writing to do and preparing my portfolio. I have a lot of emails to catch up on (sorry Mom!). Steve and I have a lot of work to do in the coming months in preparation for the new house and our to trip to Australia (did you know that you need a visa just to visit?!?!). Anyways, all this to say that life is moving ahead full throttle and I’m doing my best to keep up!!

Amongst the frenzy though, I’ve been able to take a breather here and there (something I’m learning is a necessary evil for any creative mind!). We got to cheer Marie across the finish line on Sunday during her first half-marathon (she blew my personal best time out of the water!!!) and we finally got to meet Baby Miles for the first time (remind me to tell you all about the inspiration behind his name!). So, with my Starbucks in hand, an episode of Sex & the City here and there, a couple of chapters of Harry Potter when I get a chance and some interventions by my favourite people…my mountain of coloured post-it notes seems more bearable, even a welcome challenge at times!

I’m not fooling myself into thinking that things will slow down any time soon because frankly, there’s a lot to do and only a short life in which to do it. I do think though, that with enough practice, if the world does come to an end before I’m done, at least I’ll be able to tell all the angels what insurance forms are left to complete, get the horses groomed and saddled for their return trip and with any luck, have my black boots fixed in time to make my appearance!!!

Wish me luck!!

I got to cut a guy’s hair on a street corner last week in exchange for a dollar!! I don’t know about you, but it’s not often that I get to say that!! It was Shinerama in Ottawa last week…when all of the University of Ottawa and Carleton frosh spend their days raising funds for Cystic Fibrosis and in some cases, selling their hair!!

As I walked to work in the mornings after contributing my money, time and scissor skills, it suddenly hit me that ten years ago, I was roaming the streets of Ottawa doing the very same thing. Did I look that young when I was a frosh?!?

While I don’t envy their grungy apartments and diets of beer and Kraft dinner, I felt excited for them…so much is about to happen in the next four years of their life, and most of it will have nothing to do with school. The University of life is about to take over and change them forever!

My first couple of months of university was one of the happiest and most exciting times of my life. I had moved from London to Ottawa, moved into my 13th floor residence room and never looked back. I was living in a new city, meeting new friends, had a new boyfriend and was starting a new life. I truly felt on top of the world and it was one of the few times in which I could see the change happening to me. Looking back, I can say that moving to Ottawa for school was, by far, one of the very best decisions that I’ve ever made.

In turn, September has become my favourite time of year. Not only due to the beautiful weather and fabulous clothing lines but, I just love the energy that come with all of the students returning to school. It reminds me of that amazing time when you’re finally old enough to experience life on your own but, at the same time, it’s still justified to stop by your parent’s place to do your “grocery shopping”.

In retrospect, they should really refer to the four years spent doing your undergrad as “the opportunity to do things that seemed like a good idea at the time”!!! Spending your entire meal plan at the bar instead of on food seemed like a good idea at the time…!!! Spray painting your bedroom in gold seemed like a good idea at the time…!! Stealing all of the street signs from the neighborhood construction sight so everyone would know where your party was really did seem like a good idea at the time…!!! Betting all of your living room furniture at a game of poker seemed like a good at the time…!!! And the list goes on…

It seems like the events of my first year stood out to me so much more than any other time (“good ideas” aside!!). As I was changing and learning, the world seemed to be going through it’s own freshman evolution as well. Our class of 2001 has so many moments in which to mark our beginning; the weekend that we moved into residence, Princess Diana died and while we were enjoying our frosh parties, the world was grieving. Ultimately though, our entire floor packed into our common room, pillows in hand, to watch her funeral live on television. A week later Mother Theresa died as well. That Christmas, we survived the Great Ice Storm and watched military helicopters circle campus while our city was declared a state of emergency. Instead of going to class, we went to community centers to help the thousands of people that would spend the next few weeks living there. On the lighter side, Oasis and Sarah McLachlan released new CDs (that we listened to relentlessly), Titanic was released in theatres and our floor stayed up every night to watch Jerry Springer (because throwing chairs was still a novelty at the time!!).

If our lives were a quilt, it’s as though all of these little things, as insignificant as they may seem, became woven into the tapestry to define the journey of becoming our own person!! I’ll forever look back on all of them with a certain fondness as the necessary building blocks that helped me become the individual that I wanted to be.

Unlike many of my peers though, I didn’t really know what I wanted to be when I was started University. Truth be told, I still don’t know half of the time but, I do know that all of these students are in for the ride of life that may or may not take them where they thought they would go!! It’s true…our city will be plagued with thousands of drunken, messy, loud frosh for awhile but slowly, as the days go by and the air begins to cool, they’ll start to realize that this is only the beginning of their much anticipated learning curve. Soon they’ll learn that they may not like sharing a room for extended periods of time. They’ll learn that IKEA furniture can make even the smallest space seem liveable. They’ll learn that you can spend a whole lot of money in very little time, and have next to nothing to show for it! They’ll learn that love and relationships are really hard during that time of life…it’s difficult to commit to others when you haven’t yet committed to yourself. They’ll learn that the possibilities are endless but their time to do them is limited. They’ll learn that no matter how late in the day their first class is…it’s still possible to sleep through it. They’ll learn that many people you meet in university are in your life for a season…that season likely lasting about the same time as your lease! They’ll learn that fair does not mean giving everyone the same thing, but instead, giving everyone what they need, even if it means being the exception to the rule. Some of them will learn that it’s a lot easier to lose your GPA then it is to get it back again. And if any of them are as fortunate as I was, they will learn, for the first time, that they really can do it…they can take what life throws at them and come out of it in one piece. They can endure independence and grow to be a better person. They can survive in this big, bad world and not lose themselves in the meantime.

That is something that all the lectures and reading in the world could never teach you…but losing your hair for a good cause just might!

Farewell, dear friend...
your voice has brought me to tears more than once.

Luciano Pavarotti
1935 ~ 2007

Heather and Roberta's Wedding

"Once in a while, right in the middle of an ordinary life,

love gives us a fairytale" ~ Anonymous

For more pictures from Heather and Roberta's wedding, click here

For pre and post wedding pictures, click here

God Remembered Me...

This past week, I had been feeling especially anxious about my life and the direction that I wanted it to go in. I want to write...! I want to spend my days living among words and getting lost in language. My life isn't like that right now and while I know that it can be, sometimes, the details of life make you forget that.

I spent my Tuesday lunch hour in the Notre Dame Cathedral...listening...being still and praying for some guidance and direction. Life is short and it needs to be lived passionately and with fulfillment. I asked God for some kind of sign that I was going in the right direction.

When I awoke on Wednesday morning, I noticed a lot of unusual visitors to my site. After a little bit of digging, I was amazed to discover that Sarah Susanka, the author of The Not So Big Life, a book that I am currently reading, had posted a link to my blog from her website!!!

I can only assume that she had found my post inspired by her book and that God was clearly checking his email that day!! I was astounded...thrilled...grateful!

I emailed Ms. Susanka later that day to thank her and just last night, I received an email back from a representative of her studio to say that they felt "my writing talent was very apparent" and that, of the many blogs out there mentioning their book, mine was one of their favourites!!

She also continued to provide some beautiful insight and advice regarding the art of writing and a life spent doing so.

Thank you Ms. Susanka and Ms. St. Hilaire for making my day! Your timing was impeccable!!

Thank you Steve, Anne, Nadia, Marie, Christina, Julie & Russ for your encouragement and unwavering confidence this week!

And thank you God for remembering me in, what I can only imagine to be, a very hectic schedual!!

Amen!

Have you ever seen the movie “High Fidelity” with John Cusack?? It’s one my favourite movies about a guy who’s the in progress of enduring a phase in his life that seems to be falling apart. He decides to recount his top five breakups in an attempt to see how his relationships have evolved over time.

I watched this movie again recently and the very thought of performing this sort of experiment myself leaves me feeling somewhat cynical! Mostly because I know exactly what I would find…a string of dramatic, unattainable men (likely all Scorpios!) with sunken in cheeks and a dark, mysterious past. Believe me, I’ve got the emotional battle scars to prove it! Don’t get me wrong, they were all terrific guys, but there’s something about being young and in love that is so “forbidden”. The drama and intensity of it all almost guarantees that you will get your heart broken in all the wrong places!

Dare I say that with my ten years worth of dating experience, high school crushes and summer romances, I could easily play the lead role in any Nicholas Sparks movie! The truth is though, that like many dreamy-eyed girls my age (at the time), “forbidden” is exactly what we wanted; the fairytale story that movies are made of. The problem is, that while two hours spent laughing, drooling and longing after Jude Law seems romantic at the time…a lifetime of that kind of emotion is simply too much work! And let’s be honest…we’re busy girls!!

I can smile at this history that I laughingly call my dating past because this past Monday was my anniversary! With two years of marriage under my belt, I can look back with the wisdom of a married woman and know that to have gone on too many bad dates does teach you something; you filter, you cringe, you develop a fairly refined list of “non-negotiables” and you decide that if a guy shows up for your date with another girl…you might want to call in for some backup!!

Though I haven’t officially said good luck and goodbye to my Top Five list yet, I don’t think that I need to. Time has done that for me. Time is funny that way…while it always remains constant, everything else changes with its passing. It’s as though I woke up one morning and realized that the man lying next to me was nothing like the all the train wrecks before him! Did I change?? Did he?? Who knows?!?! That’s the beauty of time…only it can really tell. One thing is for sure though; as I sat across from Steve, drinking wine over dinner, I realized that as much fun as first dates and first kisses really are, nothing compares to the first time you get flowers from the same man who just brushed his teeth in front of you!

Any girl who’s endured a landmine or two of a relationship knows that it’s not easy to walk through the land of lost boyfriends without getting blown to pieces. Chances are though, that you’ve also likely watched enough chick flicks (or High Fidelity!) to know that there’s always a happy ending…a safe haven, danger-free zone at the other end of the battlefield. Though you may both be battered and bruised, you may also be surprised to learn the one thing that dating never teaches you; the very fact that you’re not perfect and that he’s not perfect is exactly what makes you perfect for each other!

Yes, it's true...I was horrified too when I saw this but, to quote my friend Bob...

"...Something disturbs me about the glee people are taking in this person's humiliation. It's hard to believe anyone could be this unaware, but I have some sympathy for an 18 yr old whose misfortune will be the top of the worldwide news for a couple of days & what that all means to her & her family. It's interesting that we take offense to her ridiculous and uninformed depiction of South Africa and Iraq, but have no trouble slamming all of South Carolina... One ignorant act does not give us liscense to stereotype others. I work with kids every day who do and say things that are alarming and uninformed. The answer is not to ridicule them in front of their friends, family...the world. I think commentary on what's wrong with beauty pageants and an educational system that has failed millions is in order...not personal attack. Please think of how an 18 yr. you know would feel".

Our first visit to the Ottawa Lumiere Festival ~ August 2007

Ottawa at Night...

West Block ~ Parliament Hill

Ottawa Convention Centre

Advice to my Younger Self...

I wish that someone would have told me when I was little that the hardest part about being a woman is how much you will be judged by your appearance.

I also wish that they would have told me that the worst critic of all would be yourself.

Hello! My name is [enter name here] and I'm addicted to Facebook...

It's true...Facebook very well may be the death of me, and though I do really enjoy loging in everyday to see what my "friends" are up to, I don't especially like anything that throws me into information overload. So far, I think that FB has the very best photo loading system I've used and frankly, it brings my usually distant world right to my fingertips. I'll admit that reconnecting with old elementary and high school classmates (I'm reluctant to say friends as there is a reason that I didn't keep in touch in the first place!!) instantly threw me back to four years of trying to avoid embarrassement but, at the same time, it's been nice to discover that everyone has grown up...in more ways than one!!

Facebook has brought the people that I adore most even closer and at the same time, given me a whack load of superficial "friendships" that wouldn't have existed otherwise. In a world where people crave contact, I think that FB has been the answer to many people's social prayers. Granted, if it weren't for the accessibility of FB...I wouldn't have re-connected with Russ or learned more about my long, lost cousin in Montana or shared in many people's weddings over the summer. FB really does have it's benefits but, it's also taken that much more time from me that I already don't have to give!! Between two blogs, work, email and FB...my technological world is becoming a bit cluttered and some fall cleaning is in order!!

The compromise...?? Putting a hiatus on my running blog and going into FB detox!!!!

While FB may be stealing the thunder from many other online social utilities...I have to believe that ultimately, the blog will still prevail. I love getting up in the morning and checking in on everyone's sites. I love hearing about Lesley's life in K-town and seeing that Russ has failed, once again, to update!! I love hearing about the exciting news of Heidi's life and when the time permits, I really enjoy checking out everyone else's blog rolls. Blogs have a intimacy about them that can't be found in the food fights and wall messages of FB. It requires deliberate intention to check someone's blog and in turn, a conscious effort to participate in their life. Blogs help "wanna be writers" like myself contribute something to the world, even if it's only to a small piece of cyberspace. I'm sure that many novels lie among the HTML that make up blogs...there is a secret world of inspiration and confession around every corner!!

So, in order to never lose my commitment to my blog and yet, still acknowledging that I have an addiction to FB (saying you have a problem is the first step you know!!), I've narrowed my realm of technological communication. The running blog will be up for a while but, I won't be updating it anymore (atleast not until a new running challenge comes along), and my FB urges will only be satisfied twice a day!!

In the spirit of promoting blogs...here are some great ones that I've found recently that continue to give me faith that among a world of "top friends" and updated statuses...there is still some of us who believe that everyone is a writer when you're in cyberspace!!

Starbucks Gossip Blog - Monitoring America's favourite drug dealer

David Usher's Blog - Strange Birds

Zeke's Gallery - Opinions on Canadian Art from the Montreal Art Gallery

The Lost Blog - The Unofficial Guide to your Favourite Castaways

A Slacker's Running Blog - Temporarily Not Slacking

Pink is the New Blog - Everybody's Business is my Business

Dooce - Not Even Remotely Funny

Genevieve is...still a blogger at heart!

Inspiration...

I find inspiration in so many things; beautiful music...my friends...a great book...children...the quote on the side of my morning Starbucks cup!!

But it's never occured to me that something I've done might put inspiration out into the world as well!!

While I often receive feedback on topics that I've written about, my post entitled "My Name is Gen", from my running blog, received, by far, the warmest reception of all.

Recently, I was browsing through some of my friend's blogs that were linked through their facebook profiles and I found this...

I was very touched...especially coming from Leigh-Anne...because she has much more impressive things to be inspired by than me!!!!

The Not So Big Life...

I came face to face last week with a very intriguing question and it's been plaguing me ever since!! It's from the book The Not So Big Life, by Sarah Susanka, a hard cover that I've been reading bit by bit as I pass through Chapters on a daily basis. Susanka is an architect who tried to apply the basics of designing a home to the concept of designing a life. So far, it's an interesting read and given that I've been chipping away it very slowly, it's given me a lot of time to ponder some of the questions that come up in each chapter.

The question was "Does your current life reflect the aspirations that you had for yourself as a child"?

To be fair, I don't think it's one of those questions that requires a concrete answer, and certainly not a right or wrong answer. Knowing that makes me feel better about the fact that I've been struggling with it for days now!! Not only have I been trying to figure out how I would measure my life now but, even more so, I'm trying to remember what I aspired to be then. Have you ever really stopped to try and remember this?? It's not as easy as it sounds!!

I'm very much at a time in my life where I'm teetering on a tipping point; there is a lot that is about to happen but, at the same time, I still don't have to be fully ready to throw myself over the falls in a barrel just yet!! Given this unique time of opportunity, I am more aware than ever that my life can really be whatever I want it to be...childhood aspirations or not! Truth be told, I really don't remember what or where I wanted to go when I looked at life beyond being a child. I had my interests and I pursued them diligently but, it never occured to me that constantly rearranging Barbie's furniture as a child could have meant an interest in interior design later in life (which, might I add, I have come to discover via the process of designing our house...I LOVE!). As youngsters, we seldom ever put the pieces together that might lead to a very passionate life of doing what we love most.

I can remember being a little girl and reading until my eyes could barely stay open! And when I ran out of books to read, I would start writing my own. I was the only girl on the block who never had to be asked to clean her room because it was always impeccable. I remember being sent to camp in all white and never getting dirty!! I remember loving activity...I loved the feeling that a lot was happening around me. I would always get in trouble for doing my homework in front of the television but, my Mom never realized that it was the best way for me to concentrate. I remember always needing to move my body. Whether it be dancing, sports or just relentlessly twitching...my body always craved being in motion. I loved movies and would watch my favourites over and over and over again!! I remember writing a lot! Even though my friends and I saw each other every day at school...we still mailed letters back and forth to each other all week long. I also remember being a very worried little girl....worried about myself...worried about other people...worried about the road ahead. Oddly enough though, I don't ever remember what my aspirations for the future were. It just never occured to me that one day my life would be my own to live. Kids always have very big dreams but, they have very little foresight.

I suppose by this measure, my life has far surpassed my aspirations and expectations in many ways. Like my old friend Danelia used to always remind me, at the risk of sounding too cliché...we really are living the dream (assuming that you didn't want to be an astronaut!!). I have to say though, the question has got me thinking...!!! It makes me wonder whether or not an archeological dig of sorts might be in order...!?!?! If Indiana Jones could discover the hidden mystery behind the Holy Grail why can’t I find out what it means to love peanut M&Ms so much?!?!

With this in mind, I’ve decided to do a little bit of research into the hidden layers that make up who I am as a person. While I certainly consider myself to be a fairly “self-aware” person, I’m also always up for a good challenge!

Besides…I simply love a good mystery!!

With mid-August slowly creeping up on us, people everywhere are getting ready for September. Back to school, back to work, back to campus...new clothes, new office supplies, new apartments for the semester...whether you are sad to see summer go or not, September inevitably has a certain buzz of excitement that is simply unavoidable. Normally, I would be mentally preparing myself for the opening of our fall exhibitions and the chaos that soon follows but this year, I have a whole different kind of excitement to look forward to; on September 1st...Heather and Roberta, two of my favourite people in the whole world, are getting married!!!

All weddings are exciting and wonderful but, every now and then, certain marriages stand out as particularly note worthy because of the amazing people involved. Heather and Roberta will have been together for twelve years this November and finally, with a view of the lake in the background, they will stand before God and commit their lives to each other...and then we will party and celebrate the union of one of the greatest relationships I know!!

This wedding means a great deal to me for a number of reasons. Not only do I love both Heather and Roberta to pieces but, certain people stand out in our lives with a distinct bravery and intergrity that is rare in this day and age. These people overcome challenges and judgement that you one day hope is instinct but, until it is, we need these people to remind us what the true meaning of conviction really is...to stand tall in defense of your principles and to be proud to do so. Heather and Roberta are all of this and so much more, and no one deserves this celebration more than they do.

They are entering into this marriage in a time when same-sex unions are a very hot topic in our society, in large part because of its current legal status in our province. Both of them have been raised in very strong Christian families and they happen to live in the "Bible Belt" of Ontario. Neither of them has abandoned their faith in any way and as you can guess, this wedding hasn't happened without some controversy and debate.

While I don't share their views, I can certainly understand how some people would have issues or concerns with the topic of same-sex marriage. Given that it's now something very near and dear to many of our hearts, I think it's important that as a family, as a community and as a society, we begin to discuss these issues in a way that further our experience and broaden our understanding. As so many of us approach this wedding, we are coming from different backgrounds and histories that enable us to see it through very different lenses, all of which should be respected in their own right. Though I do spend a great deal of effort trying to be altruistic in matters such as these, I'll admit that it's very difficult to watch two people that I love so much have to defend their actions when their intentions are so pure in nature.


I would consider myself to be a very educated person, not just institutionally but, through experience I have come to ensure that I don't become ignorant to the world around me. When issues of debate have arisen, I have inquired into other people's opinions, spoken indepth to those on opposite ends of the spectrum and I consistently try to hear both sides with an open mind. Being so close to this particular situation though, I have struggled at keeping a neutral ground. Only just recently, given that I have such a personal attachment to those involved, do I no longer deem it necessary to be neutral...because thanks to what Heather and Bert have so eloquently taught me...now is my time to stand tall in defence in what I think is right!! Diplomacy has its place...but matters of the heart require responses from the heart.

One of the most common arguments that has come up over the past couple of months has been regarding the Bible's teachings. As a Catholic, my religion does not support same-sex marriage in any way however, as a Catholic, my religion, albeit the most suitable religion for my beliefs, is also just an outlet for my faith...a faith that existed long before I became affiliated with any church. I respect a church's decision whether or not to marry same-sex couples and I certainly don't think that they should have to be forced to do so by any government but, this is a perfect example of how faith and religion are not the same thing and shouldn't be treated the same way. Now, please do not start sending me hate mail for this next statement but...while I do take the Bible very seriously, I do not take the Bible literally. If I did, I would find myself sacrificing sheep on a weekly basis and suffering an eternal penalty for the sin of paying interest on our house. While I understand that the New Testament trumps the Old Testament with the new covenant, the basic teachings in both are the same; as Christians, we have a higher responsibility to love and support one another. We are expected, by God, to be an example of the same grace and humility that was given to us.

What I struggle with a great deal is the fact that in an imperfect world, made up of imperfect people, we often take it upon ourselves to decide which sins are forgivable. While it seems easy to judge a same-sex couple for their decision to get married because it violates Biblical teachings, it seems equally easy to forgive ourselves for the pride, envy, jealousy and greed that we experience everyday, although, that too goes against Biblical teachings. Though many argue that the Bible is clear regarding its views on marriage, the Bible is also very clear that we are commanded by God to love and accept one another as they are. The Bible is VERY clear that we are to leave the judgement up to Him.

Like everyone else, Heather and Roberta were created in God's image. They will stand before God and commit to a lifetime together...a gift that is bestowed on those of us who are willing to trust in the blind faith of love. In the Catholic church, it is believed that God only gives us enough intimacy to fully put into one other person and that intimacy is what connects us to another for life...makes us one...because only that one other person will ever fully see what God sees in us. Regardless of Biblical interpretation, there is no arguing that the Trinity is love. While thousands of years have been spent studying and translating the Bible, the human condition of loving someone is not useable for academic, religious or political agendas, because there simply is no measuring its depths...and there in lies the miracle of being God's greatest creation. Like faith, you go into love blindly...you leap off the cliff and hope for dear life that divine intervention will land you softly on your feet or that, at the very least, your parachute works!! Given the universe's inability to contain it, I find it hard to believe that any words on paper could even attempt to define the limits of its experience.

Saint Augustine of Hippo, like all other saints, experienced an especially unique relationship with God and a very divine life. Considered to be one of the most important teachers of salvation and grace, he once said that "Hope has two beautiful daughters; Anger and Courage. Anger at the way things are and Courage to change them". I think of this quote when I reflect on Heather and Roberta's upcoming wedding because during the days leading up to it, I sometimes feel anger towards a set of beliefs that, although is intended to bring us together, is ultimately becoming a barrier to sharing in each other's lives. Amongst the anger though, is great courage; courage as we stand together in three weeks time to celebrate a love and commitment truly worth knowing. We will celebrate the union of two of God's children and we will most certainly do so in God's presence. With that comes hope...hope that one day, we will live in a world that is accepting of all people who share the desire to love one another, because as Saint Augustine also said...

"Love, and do what thou wilt: whether thou hold thy peace, through love hold thy peace; whether thou cry out, through love cry out; whether thou correct; through love correct; whether thou spare, through love do thou spare: let the root of love be within, of this root can nothing spring but what is good."

Have I mentioned how much I love long weekends...!?!? No matter how much I love my job, it's always so painful to return to "regular schedualed programming" after being given a taste of retirement!! I've never understood those people who say that they get bored away from work because they have nothing to do...that's madness!! In a world so full of adventure and possibility, how could someone not feel overwhelmed with curiosity outside of the office?? Truly...it boggles my mind!!!

If I had to put all the pieces of the perfect long weekend puzzle together...it would have looked a lot like the past three days; indulgent, relaxing and spoils everyday life!! We headed to Petawawa on Saturday to celebrate Rohan's 1st birthday, Jeff and Mon's 10th anniversary and the simple pleasure of long summer nights!! The day spent around the pool with the Smyth and Valsankar families was wonderfully refreshing. We chatted, ate tons of great food, played in the pool, drank an assortment of yummy summer drinks and a couple of the little ones even fit in a nap!!

Sunday was greeted with another gorgeous day. I was up bright and early (although my head was still somewhat cloudy from the night before!!), and met Kathy, Jesper, Marilyn and Mary for a beautiful run along the canal and some catching up on the Starbucks patio. No matter how hard it is to get up for those morning runs at times, I always come home feeling so happy that I did!! Steve and I later headed off to church where we had another guest pastor, Sam Chan, from the Richmond Hill Community Church. He was great and a really nice addition to the invited speakers that we've had this summer. Then we did our usual Tim Horton's stop and went back to the Design Center to do more work on the house (we kept it short and sweet this time!!). The rest of Sunday was spent as follows: reading Harry Potter...taking a nap...reading Harry Potter...taking a nap...reading Harry Potter...taking a nap...and so on and so on!! With visions of Quidditch running through my head, we decided to go see the latest Harry Potter movie as well...there is simply no end to the magical bliss right now!! The movie was fantastic...I loved it! I didn't love being swept back to reality as much but, a few stolen hours here and there is better than nothing!!

After some much needed sleeping in on Monday morning, Steve and I did some cleaning around the house and did a quick check of the new house. We get to go through one of the built models this week and finally get a visual idea of our home to be. Very exciting!! After some quick shopping, we went to the west end to visit IKEA. The new catalogue just came out and we are still struggling with designs for one of the bathrooms, so inspiration was sought in the form of complete chaos!!! As packed as it was, we actually managed to keep our sanity intact quite well!! We roamed through some of the new arrivals and found some solutions to the many rooms that we will have to fill in six months. Pretty soon, my dreams are going to be of some wizard, flying his Nimbus Two Thousand broom through the halls of a design centre filled to the rim with counter tops and floor samples!!!!! Too much a good thing makes for some funny dreams!!

All in all, a fantastic long weekend...the sort that makes you long for the days of summer vacation and eating popsicles! It's a bit shocking to realize that three weeks from now we'll be welcoming September and not long after that, fall will be upon us once again. Maybe that's what makes summer so special though...playing with little people in the pool, sipping on frozen drinks and watching magical children's books come to life...the island of summer just can't help but bring out the kid in us!

For more pictures from Rohan's 1st Birthday, click here.

This picture is of my cousin Nicole (she's a set of legs to the left!) and her family in Montana. This is one of my favourite pictures ever and I can't wait to put it on one of the walls of our new house when we move in. I was thinking of Nicole last Sunday when we were at church; we had a guest pastor who had recently returned from a mission trip in Northern Quebec with a group of trouble native teens. Nicole is native and recently received her Indian name: Pte Waca Mani Wea, meaning Sacred Buffalo Walking Woman. When the pastor was discussing some of the challenges that he was up against and some of the issues that these teens were dealing with, it instantly brought me back fifteen years or so to when Nicole and I were kids. When we were younger, we spent quite a bit of time together growing up but, due to circumstances and the effects of time, we grew quite far apart and in many ways, became like strangers held together solely by our shared childhood.

In recent years though, through the magic of technology, we have managed to reconnect and start to get to know one another again. Even in the brief encounters that I've had with Nicole prior to this, I can tell you that she is an absolutely phenomenal woman and someone that I admire a great deal. Nicole has a story unlike any that I've ever heard and her incredible courage to take the path away from pain is beyond inspiring. I won't go into much detail because a.) I don't even know much about it myself and b.) because it's really her story to tell. What I do know though is that someone else could have easily made a different choice...they could have given up and turned their back on the potential that they had.

When the pastor was discussing his time up North, it made me wonder if God chose Nicole because he knew that she was strong enough to handle it and would, ultimately, make the right decision?? As the faith filled woman that she is, I wondered if during her more trying times, she knew that God was with her and had this plan?? Either way, I found comfort in knowing that the adorable girl I knew as a child had, despite her challenges and turmoil, become this incredible mother, wife and woman of God. She is an amazing example of a life fully lived and transformed (and she's beautiful to boot!!).

While it saddens me that we lost so much time together, I have to believe that like our relationship with God, sometimes we need to move away from it before we can find each other again. And when you do find one another again, the time and connection that you now have more than makes up for the time gone by when you weren't even looking. And for those bleak moments when the clouds seem to block out the light of life, I always know that there is this wonderful Sacred Buffalo Walking Woman in Montana with a story to share and inspiration to heal.

The heavens would be proud.

Photos courtesy of Sammy Oxendalh Photography

The Rules of Engagement...

When I was in grade six, I confronted my first bully! She was someone that I had gone to school with since kindergarten and though she didn't specifically bully anyone in particular, she was very used to getting her way. One afternoon, our music teacher called in sick and we didn't have a substitute so, the principal set up a couple of televisions in our classroom with a variety of movies and we could watch whichever one we wanted (this was my kind of music class!!). There was about four or five of us curled up in a corner watching a particular movie when this girl came along and decided that she didn't want to watch any of the selected movies and, instead, wanted to put in her own movie in place of what we were watching. She walked over to our VCR (yes, we used VCRs back then!) and just began taking out our movie. Now, I have no idea what came over me at that time because I was never one to stand up to anyone but, I got up, took the movie out of her hand, put it back in the VCR and told her that she could either watch that movie with us or watch one of the other ones but until we were done, her movie was going to have to wait. I do remember quite vividly thinking for a brief moment that I was about to get beat up from here to kingdom come but instead, she just looked at me with fairly remorseful eyes and said "oh...sorry then...". She just walked away and from that day forward, she was always very nice to me. Funny how that happens!!!

I was thinking about that moment a little while ago because many of my friends and I have all been dealing with a variety of issues with people in our lives lately. Whether they be family, friends or the "x" factor, we all seem to be in a position where once again, someone needs confronting. Maybe it's something in the water...!!!!

I've heard it been said many times that we teach people how to treat us and while I think there is a great deal of truth to that comment, I think it overlooks the whole principle of ROE...Rules of Engagement!! Wikipedia (thanks Lesley!) defines ROE as a set of rules that determine when, where, and how force shall be used in military or police operations. While the rules may be made public, they are typically only fully known to the force that intends to use them. This whole concept is very intriguing to me because I can't understand how if, even in times of war, there can be a certain "understanding" regarding the proper rules of conduct, why is so difficult to get by as an adult in the everyday world without a lifetime worth of battle scars???

A lot has happened to me in the past eighteen months that has forced to me approach my life differently, and one of those things, has been to be really clear about what my own personal rules of engagement are. While I think that most people (myself included) have a pretty good understanding of their "non-negotiables", have you ever really stopped to consider how you react when people break your rules?? I used to be one of those people who would fight to the death. I thought that all things were worth talking out (and with some people, they are) but, overtime, I have come to understand that certain people believe that because of their position in your life...the rules simply don't apply to them. As disheartening as this is, these people are better left to their own devices because you can't break the rules until you've mastered them (or at the very least, taken the time to get to know them!!!).

I have come to believe that there are two types of people in this world; those who want to be right and those that want to be happy. Some people are so busy defending their actions that they overlook the possibility that someone's feelings have been hurt in the process. Don't get me wrong, these things happen, it's the nature of human relationships but, the best of relationships are those that possess humility and sincerity. The most important people in the world to me are those that I can I sit across from and sincerely share feelings without judgement or threat. Conflicts happen and people inadvertently get hurt but, ultimately the definition of a relationship is how that wound is cared for.

I think what I am trying to get at here, is that at some point in time, my friends and I are going to have to decide what the next move is. While Russ, Joanne and I can form our own support group for dealing with unreasonable people, we will still have to decide on our next move. I know that my next move is to simply not play the game, because one of my rules of engagement is to not spend any time on hostile enemy territory...what good is that when you're just going to get shot at all the time...?!?!

It always sucks to have to draw a line in the sand but, rules are rules and if someone can't make atleast an attempt to be respectful of them, then that becomes a choice that they have made. All you can do is round up your troops and continue on in pursuit of peaceful ends by peacefuls means. Let the bad guys wave their ammunition around and clean up the mess. While their busy proving their right, you'll be looking from beyond the battle grounds...being happy.

Game over.

As you can see...I'm doing a little "re-decorating" over here on the blog site. The most significant change is the title...unfortunately, like Big Foot, Steve hasn't been seen around these parts in a while!!!! Hence, I was willing to forfeit our top google search position for a title a bit more reflective of Gen's Blog (come on...let's just call a spade a spade here!!)!!

With the departure of my running blog (sad, I know!), I am freed up to spend more time committed to this blog and **BIG NEWS ALERT** my book!! After much persuasion from family and friends...the wheels of book writing have been put in motion and while I certainly can't promise a bestseller, I would like to think that a book would be a great legacy to leave behind one day (plus, I'm tired of listening to all of you say "when are you going to write your book"!!!!).

So, please do let me know what you think of the changes...flattery will get you everywhere!!!!