Given the title of my blog, I feel compelled to make a confession. It’s more than I feel comfortable “putting out there” but, I’ve also come to learn that what’s even harder than being honest with others, is being honest with yourself…

I do, and have for most of my life, suffer from a lot of inadequacy issues. For as long as I can remember, I always felt like I wasn’t enough…tall enough, pretty enough, smart enough, funny enough, disciplined enough, righteous enough…whatever it is, my sense of falling short has been overwhelming at times. I’m not entirely sure where this comes from but, I’m willing to bet that it’s a post for another time!

I remember being a little girl and thinking to myself that if I was just a little bit better at math or brushed my teeth a minute longer each day…then I would be an even better daughter and give people even less reason to be upset or disappointed in me. I never wanted to be a burden on anyone or the cause of any grief and somehow, I had convinced myself that being more of “something” would keep that from happening. It never did.

In my last year of university, I shared a house with three other girls. All of us were really experiencing very different times in our lives and by the hand of God, we were all brought together to share those experiences under a common roof. Amanda was just coming out of a divorce, Heidi was starting her first year of university, I was finishing my last year and Jane was a silent witness to it all from her top floor bedroom. I haven’t spoken to any of these girls since that year in our house but, the lingering memory of those eight months has stayed with me for a long time. It was meeting Heidi that really brought those feelings of inadequacy to forefront of my mind and forced a reality upon me that I had never seen before.

Heidi was perfect. She was perfect in as much a way as an imperfect person could be in my eyes. She was beautiful, brilliant, charming, eloquent, poetic, mysterious, extremely devout and every where she went, she left a trail of eyes gazing over their shoulders at her. Men tripped over themselves to talk to her and when they finally did, they stumbled over their words for lack of proper cognitive functioning that often occurred around her. Everyone else, myself included, simply adored her and wanted nothing more than to be in her presence. She walked into a room and everything was suddenly brighter. One night, the two of us were out together and we ran into a friend of mine downtown. He too was with another friend and when he introduced us, he said “this is Heidi…and this is Heidi’s friend”. And he was right. That moment summed up how I often felt around Heidi. I wasn’t really me anymore. Instead, I was someone who constantly fell short of being comparable to her. In all my time of feeling mediocre, it had only ever been a relative feeling. I had not yet learned the art of comparison and up until then, it never occurred to me that for as long as I lived, there were certain people that I would never be as good as.

Before I go any further though, please let me make one thing very clear…nothing that Heidi ever did made me feel this way. She was never manipulative or arrogant. In fact, she was extremely humble and seemed completely oblivious to the spell that she cast on everyone she met. If anything, this made her all the more wonderful. All she ever did was be her self. It nearly drove me mad when I thought about how inadequate I would feel standing next to her. I often used to borrow her clothes or listen to her favourite music in hopes that somehow, this would make me more like her. One evening, when we were getting ready to go out, she looked at me and said “each day, you become more and more like me”! We all had a good laugh but deep down, I ached at knowing that I would never be enough like her. The truth was that not only was she perfect but, she was perfect in every way that I wasn’t. I would never be 5’10” and blonde. I would never have her discipline or self-awareness that constantly compelled her to be a better person. She knew English literature the way most of us know the ABCs and while she had the gift of grace…I was more like a bull in a china shop. I would never be able to be as eloquent on paper as she was and I would never have the perfect, charming smile like hers. I would never possess her amazing sense of style or wear red lipstick like her and frankly…it broke my heart.

After our time together was over, she moved away and we seldom kept in touch. In some ways, it was easier for me because it took me a long time to get over having lived in her shadow. She was never anything but a great friend to me and I wanted nothing more than to understand why I could never be as good as her. About a year ago though, I found her blog and just like that, I had a window into her life again. I would check it from time to time but, after my initial contact, it was clear that she didn’t really want to re-connect, so I kept a bit of distance.

Yesterday though, amidst the snow storm, there was a calm and silence to the day that left me with a bit of unexpected time on my hands. So I searched deep down into the brave part of my soul (believe me, it’s a small place!) and decided to see how Heidi really had been doing all this time. I read pieces of her blog dating all the way back to June of 2003 and watched her very eloquently describe the course of her life from being single and at school to getting married and most recently, the birth of her son, Jude. As I looked at the pages of her life and photographic evidence of it all, I kept asking myself if it was really the same person that I had known for that short time in our lives?? She was so grown up and yet, at the same time, I expected nothing less from her than the fairytale ending that she had created. It was beautiful.

I’ll admit that as I read her reflections of her life, I was confronted with those same feelings that I had many years ago. She was still all of those amazing qualities that I admired, longed for and even more so…she had grown into an even more refined version of herself. My inadequacies still haunt me, even now. What was shocking though was to read portions of her blog in which she expressed her own feelings of inadequacy. How was this possible?? How could she…how could Heidi…this woman that was larger than life, ever feel inadequate about anything?? Didn’t she know what people saw when they looked at her?? Didn’t she know what I saw when I looked at her??

I remember being at Blessed Sacrament a couple of months ago and listening to Father Joe talk about the “obvious” sins that we are confronted with on a daily basis…pride, envy, jealousy. He brought up the intriguing question of the “not-so-obvious” sins that we commit just as often, and sometimes more…the self-inflicted abuse of comparing ourselves to others. He said that we would seldom ever walk up to another person and tell them that they aren’t good enough but, some of us (guilty!) commit this sin on ourselves numerous times a day. Abuse is abuse, he tells me, whether it’s your self or someone else inflicting it. To undermine our own gifts is to take for granted what God gave us…it’s to not appreciate the 5’8” dark-haired temple that he gave my soul. I’ve thought about this a lot of late and realize that this self-abuse is perhaps one of my biggest sins as I seldom ever think twice about shrieking back in the shadows for lack of belief that I have reason to stand out. I’ve been okay with my mediocrity for the most part. I’ve accepted that I blend into the background very nicely and I’ve become accustom to it. What I never learned to accept though was being the paint-by-numbers that is hung next to the Van Gogh.

I understand and appreciate that our great Lord made us right down to our very last detail. And I appreciate that He also intended Heidi and I to share that space in our lives for reason pre-destined long before our meeting. I understand that He single handedly chose her to have those qualities but…He never had to live with her and He never had to look up at the shining light that always radiated from her and feel like your flame was a mere spark in comparison.

I’m sure that there is wisdom and a lesson to be had in all of this one day. I’m sure that there is great knowledge and understanding to come of this internal challenge one day…but I also know that today…is not that day.

Can You Dig It??

Look who made the cover of the Ottawa Citizen this morning!!!

"Bryan Byers clears snow near the Maman spider sculpture at the National Art Gallery yesterday during a storm that dumped 28 centimetres of snow on Ottawa, enough to make it the second snowiest winter."

Photograph by : Bruno Schlumberger, The Ottawa Citizen

Click here for the rest of the story from our latest winter adventure!

I would like to dedicate this next post to my two friends south of the border…Jim and Jason!

I’m beginning to think that the conversational topic of weather is highly underrated. While it used to be the last resort of ice breakers and the clear sign of a struggling conversation, to discuss the weather is to discuss something that universally affects us all in one manner or another.

Jim and I will often discuss what it’s like to live in such varying climates and it goes without saying that the winter months tends to spark the most questions. You don’t really realize how much a community has to adjust to seasonal changes until you meet others who don’t have to so in quite the same way. Always having lived in colder parts of the country, it has always just been second nature to me to adapt to the colder months…but low and behold…it turns out that many people have no idea what we endure for a third of the year!

Canada is by far, one of the coldest countries in the world (alongside Russia) and Ottawa is one of the coldest capitals in the world (number six or seven on the list, I think!) but believe me, we know how to work winter like no else! Normally though, it gets so cold in Ottawa that we don’t often deal with large amounts of snow. We’ll always get a big storm in December or January…then settle into perma-freeze (with temperatures dropping as low as – 40 C. with the wind chill) for the remainder of February and March, during which time, we see very little snow at all because it’s too cold for precipitation. In a nutshell…it sucks!

Since Ottawa sits in a valley, the wind here is horrendous. It’s seldom ever the cold that will get to you…it’s the frigid air that blows through that makes you want to cry! You adapt though. You learn to cope with the temperatures and the cruelty of Mother Nature at times.

This year though, we have experienced a winter unlike any that I’ve seen in my ten years in Ottawa. We have had one dump of snow after another for four straight months now. The slight increase in temperature during the colder months has finally opened the window between “too cold to snow” and “tipping point to endless snow”!!! I have to say…it’s been an adjustment!

Just this morning, we woke up to fifteen more centimeters of snow and are expecting potentially ten more as the day goes on. For a city that is very well equipped for winter, even this brings us to a screeching halt! The snow drifts are starting to look like archeological digs sites in which you can track each significant snow fall of the season. Layer after layer represents each passing snow day and the tell tale of endless shoveling!

On the bright side though…at least we don’t have to cut the grass!!

November 22nd, 2007

December 5th, 2007

December 16th, 2007 ~The largest amount of
snow on the ground at any one
time in Ottawa's recorded history...
75 centimetres!!!

TODAY! ~ March 5th, 2008

One month from today, Steve and I will be leaving Ottawa en route to Australia. Actually, we will be going from Ottawa to Tilbury to Detroit to Texas to Los Angeles…and then to Sydney! No one said that Kangaroos came easily!!

For one month, we will be leaving our world of work and moves and deadlines to go see this…

And this…

And this…

And, of course...these...

Not only are we in for the trip of a lifetime but, upon our return, I’ll be able to cross one more thing off of my “List of 100 things to do before I die” (or as Hollywood has dubbed it… “The Bucket List”). I’ve always wanted to visit Australia and look up at the Southern Cross, and pretty soon, we’ll be doing just that (with two schedualed visits with astronomers for some up close and personal visits!!!).

Also, we’ve just confirmed that we’ll be doing a road trip through the Outback. We’ll fly into Alice Springs, rent a car (I’m hoping that it’s complete with snake bite kits and Dingo repellant gear!!!) and spend the next four days driving through the deserts of Australia to see the likes of Ayers Rock, the Olgas and King’s Canyon.

With this being said…we have one very important thing left to do…

We need to fill our iPod with the very best “Outback Road Trip” Tunes!!! If you’re going to go on the ultimate road trip on the other side of the world…you’ve got to do it right (and you’ve got to it Canuck style!)!!!

So what do you think?? What tunes can we simply not leave without??? Any suggestions??

Overheard on the Bus Ride to Work This Morning...

Girl on cell phone:

“…yeah, so I can’t go out with you guys tonight because I’m going over to Jake’s…what do you mean…of course I’m still with him…why wouldn’t I be?? OH MY GOD…I can’t believe she told you that…she’s just jealous! It’s not like that at all…you guys don’t know him the way that I do…

About two weeks after we opened our joint account, I found out that he had taken all of our money and was sleeping with some other girl. Of course, I was pissed but, when I went to talk to him about it he told me that he was actually just living out one of his fantasies and that he would have eventually told me about it. He said that he’s always had a fantasy about taking all of his girlfriend’s money and having a secret affair with someone other girl…and he said that I was the only girl that he’s felt comfortable enough to do this with…I KNOW…he’s totally the sweetest guy EVER. So anyways, once he told me all of this, I realized that it actually makes me a better girlfriend because I’m helping him fulfill his dreams…seriously…I think Jake might be the one…

You know, it’s really not so bad either because he only really spends three or four days a week with her and he promised me that he would put back all the money he’s been taking once he gets a job and really, I think he’s right about it being better for our relationship because I know that when we are together…I’m the one that he really loves…

Yeah…I don’t know who she is…I think that he said her name was Michelle or something. Really though, you have to kind of feel bad for her in a way…poor girl…do you think she has any idea what a fast one he’s pulling on her…???”

"Home, the spot of earth supremely blest, A dearer,
sweeter spot than all the rest."
~ Robert Montgomery

For more pictures from our new house, click here.

Bonjour les ami(e)s!!!

Well, I received an adorable email this morning from one of my dearest friends asking me if I had given her up for Lent!!!! Is it possible that that is God’s subtle way of nudging me back on the radar?!?!?! It’s been a little under two weeks now since the move and I find myself surprised at how much the world has kept on spinning! How dare it not come to an abrupt halt for my convenience ;)

I remember when Steve and I first moved into our apartment together…it was one of the most fun times ever. We spent all night unpacking, ordered take-out for dinner and we couldn’t stop smiling the whole time…it was bliss. This move has been nothing of the sorts!!! Don’t get me wrong, it’s been super exciting to have our new house but, there has been so much work involved and we are both experiencing so much “newness” that it’s almost overwhelming. I actually brought out one of my old beat up coffee tables last night into our new family just so I could have something familiar to look at! I’ve always struggled with moves a little bit, regardless of how exciting they are. My home is my castle and it takes a while to feel your way into a new place. Steve has been consumed with installing, hanging and fixing things for two weeks, and all the while, he’s still been trying to fight off a nasty cough that has been keeping him up at night and staying away from appliances long enough for his stitches to heal. All in all, it’s been taking a little while for our house to start feeling like home.

Moving aside though, it has indeed been business as usual in the woods. Life has gone on with our without us! Eryn and Rachel had a beautiful and healthy baby girl…two of my girls turned thirty (Happy Birthday!)…we heard more wonderful news of soon to be parents and we had my Dad over on Saturday night for the inaugural dinner to celebrate his birthday and test out our new dining room! Both our new table and my Dad’s new age seem to fit exceptionally well!!! Our Heather and Roberta inspired dessert was delicious too!!

Both Steve and I are starting to show the signs of fatigue though…the kind that doesn’t get fixed from a morning or two of sleeping in. It’s the evidence of too many months of burning our candles at both ends. Even with the sunny days and rising mercury of spring, the exhaustion seems to take on a life of it’s own in ways that sometimes feels never ending. Hopefully, the coming month will provide a bit of shelter from the whirlwind of our life right now. Christina will be coming up in a few weeks to help us host our housewarming party…then we are heading to Montreal for part of Easter weekend to celebrate with my family and then, believe it or not, we’re off to Australia! Even I forgot about that for a little while until I was looking through my calendar and realized that in nearly a month, we will be driving from Ottawa and on our way to Sydney. Unbelievable! And for any of you burglars and thieves out there who are patiently waiting for us to vacate the premises for a month…think again…my Dad and his trusty sidekick, Simon, will be standing guard in our absence!!

Anyways, in a nutshell, c’est la vie!! We still don’t have the internet hooked up at home but we should be connected early this week. Thanks everyone for all the fun cards and voicemails that you’ve left!! While we haven’t been able to get back to most people yet, we have loved knowing that you’re thinking of us! Happy Birthday to my lovely Roberta tomorrow!! And be sure to check out the new blogs that I added to my sidebar; Jason and Carmen are both new additions and certainly worth a visit!!

And on another note...how lovely were the Oscars last night??? Miss Ellen Page certainly made us proud! However, of all the years in which I've been watching the Academy Awards, I think that this was, by far, the most beautiful win that I've ever seen...



A bientot!

I found out yesterday that a guy I used to know killed himself this week. He jumped off his balcony during the early hours of Monday morning and now, he’s left a trail of friends and family in complete devastation.

He was the good friend of a guy I dated about six years ago. I didn’t know him well but, I always remember really liking him and really enjoying his company. He was kind and energetic and his death has rocked the very core of my foundation.

It breaks my heart to know that he was in such a desperate place that he felt he had no other option but eternal darkness.

Finding out about Martin’s death has caused me to really contemplate the priorities that our society has towards mental health and the system that we have in place for such challenges. In a time when cancer and obesity are becoming epidemic in nature, we seem to be consumed with the quest for health when the real threat to our life is our mind. As Martin and many others have shown, perfect health means nothing when your thoughts and emotions compel you to take your own life.

Many people in my life have been touched by suicide about as much as they have been affected by cancer and yet, it’s never occurred to anyone that one may have something to do with the other. I think that many people would agree that the capacity of the human mind far outweighs the capabilities of Western medicine. While it’s certainly a splendor of what humanity can do, it can also become a force far greater than what we are capable of managing. In the same way that we are taught how to manage and treat our bodies, we need to have the resources to understand the inner workings of our most powerful tool.

Preventative medicine needs to extend beyond the likes of vitamins and dental check-ups. We need to spend more time with family and friends, and less time in the office. We need to spend more time communicating with each other and less time communicating with our cell phones. We need to spend more time sitting in silence and less time sitting in traffic. We need to spend more time praying and less time complaining. We need to make sure that parents never have to bury their children due to this kind of torment ever again. In turn, not only will we nurture the mind, but our bodies will follow.

I’ve heard it been said that 99% of all illness is a result of stress. With that being said, the cure to cancer doesn’t lie in a laboratory, it lies in our own ability to find joy and peace in a rather unforgiving world. The human mind can resolve what a test tube cannot. With that being said, perhaps the cure to disease lies in finding the cure to dis-ease.

Rest in Peace, Martin. You will be missed.

This is officially my new favourite commercial!! As someone who works in advertising and marketing every day, I think it's absolutely brilliant! Not only does it make me want a Jeep Liberty but, it also kind of makes me wish I had a bunch of singing forest animals too!

I’m NEVER moving again!!!!

I woke up this morning quite excited to go back to work because somehow, over the course of the week, an eight hour work day seems like a rest!!! That’s how nuts our move has been!!

The past five days has been among the most physically and emotionally exhausting days of my life (or at the very least, in recent memory). On numerous occasions, I found myself breaking down into tears from pure discouragement and fatigue. At long last though, we did wake up in our new paradise this morning and in the end, it all seems worth it.

For those of you who know me well, you know that the state of my immediate surroundings tend to reflect my mental and emotional state at the time. With that being said, I have spent the past five days in a complete state of chaos and disconnect with the world. We’ve had frozen pipes, a broken cable box, lost a piece of our bed frame, bought a new piece for the bed frame only to find the missing again once we walked in the door!! We dented the front of our house, painted two rooms, had a frustrating encounter with U-Haul, had dinner at IKEA twice and endured five sixteen hour days in a row. In case I didn’t mention this before…I’m NEVER moving again!!!

As for the bright side of the week…My awesome colleague taped Lost for us, I got a bunch of Valentine’s Day chocolate at 50% off, an adorable message from Christina at the airport (on her way to Belize…lucky girl!) and a gorgeous new house that I am simply in love with.

It’s still a little bit weird to think of that we will no longer live on Powell Avenue. So much happened to us there; we were freed from the chains of roommate drama there (!!!), we got engaged in that apartment, we were married while we lived there and we really grew a lot within its walls. It may have been small but, it provided a lot of room to grow!

It’s amazing the new hopes and dreams that come with our new home. I can’t help but wonder what kind of stories our new walls will have to tell. Will my book be finished in that house?? Will children of our own sleep in that house?? Will we hear the pitter patter of furry little paws in that house?? Who knows!

But what I do know for sure is that, right now…I feel like I could sleep for about a week thanks to that house!! If only I could find my way through the boxes to my bed!!!

What Would Riggins Do...?!?!

I can’t believe it…Steve is on his way to go and pick up our house keys!!! After all this time, the house is finally done and it’s finally ours!!

Better yet, it’s not even a single day late!! We should have bet money on it ;)

Ladies and Gentlemen…Welcome to the new Smyth Residence!!

Living in the Land of Confusion...

Before...

After...

Before...

After...

When Steve and I first got married, I switched all of my medical records over to Steve’s family doctor so that all our history could be together. Like any doctor, when I first transferred, he wanted to do an entire check up and medical backgrounder. Our doctor has a very holistic approach to medicine which is to say that he’s often very concerned about the whole mind/body connection to health and well-being. Due to this school of thought, during my initial check up, he also had me do a “stress test”…an evaluation that would determine how much stress I was managing based on various circumstances of my life occurring at the time. The test included about three hundred questions ranging from “do you have a daily commute to work every day” to “have you experienced a recent death in the family”? Each question was given a point value and each associated time frame (ranging from three months to two years) also had additional point allocations.

Much to my surprise, even positive and happy events, such as having a baby or going on vacation, added just as many points to your test as negative and traumatic events did. Apparently, on going stress of any kind, be it in the context of excitement or grief, had the same effects on the body…tiring effects!!

I thought of that test this morning as I woke up feeling as though I hadn’t really slept at all. Our upcoming move, while being quite possibly the most exciting thing either one of us has done, has also proven to be very stressful for us. The result has been a sick husband for the past six days, a sore throat for my self this morning and nearly four sleepless nights for both of us! It’s been good times in the Smyth household as of late!!!

I’ll be the first to admit that my mind-body connection has left much to be desired right now and I’m almost frightened to think of how long it could take me to get back to my “usual” self after this move but, as far as I’m concerned, the first sight of my new home made it all worth it!!! It’s true…even the most positive and exciting of life events can take its toll on your body when you become consumed. For us, we’ve been working on this for eight months and now, during this last stretch, the time and energy is finally catching up with us.

Tonight though, Marie and Craig are rescuing us from our packing chaos and taking us out to the sticks for dinner with their family. I think that it’s just the escape we need right now as we head into these last few days. Good food…good company…and a good way to score better points on my next stress test!!

About three weeks ago, during one of our long runs, Jesper and I starting having a really interesting discussion about the idea of knowledge being power. For as long as I can remember, people have always said that “knowledge is power” and relative to the idea of ignorance, I would have to agree. However, I really think that knowledge is truly just half of the battle.

This may sound a bit cynical (which is very unlike me) but, in many ways, knowledge is very overrated. Basically, knowledge is useless if you’re not willing to do the follow-up and this leaves us in a society that waits (and expects) for knowledge to take care of itself. Take, for example, the basic economics of the universe…what comes in must be more than what goes out, and yet, we still perpetually overspend and find ourselves in perpetual debt. Or the basic principles of physiology…what comes in must be less than what goes out, and yet, we consistently overeat and remain consistently unhealthy. We all know these things but, more often than not, we don’t act on that knowledge. This leads me to believe that knowledge really isn’t power…action is power. No one ever changed the world by knowing what to do…they changed the world by doing what needed to be done.

Don’t get me wrong, knowledge is incredibly valuable…knowledge has created some of the most profound changes that our world has ever seen but, it’s also worth noting that the two defining words in that statement are “create” and “change”…two words that imply action. With that being said though, I think that we can all attest to the fact that it’s often much harder to bite than it is to bark. For all of our righteous intents…the family size pack of Cadbury Mini Eggs still seems awfully wonderful after a hard day’s work!!!

I’ve been reflecting on this quite a bit lately because today is Ash Wednesday…the first day of the Lenten season. For the next forty days, we are called upon to take action in our lives to acknowledge the action that was made on our behalf. Forty days is a very spiritually significant amount of time throughout the Bible used to teach discipline and sacrifice to the children of God and every year, leading up to Easter, we are asked to do so once again.

I’ll be the first to admit that I can often be very resistant to change. While I know that certain change can and would be good for me…sometimes it’s easier to deal with the devil that I know versus the devil that I don’t know (and honestly…Mini Eggs make me really happy!!!)! That was, until about three years ago. On this very day, four years ago, I quit my job, gave notice to vacate my apartment and went to opening night of “The Passion of the Christ”. Needless to say that it was a bit of an intense day and I felt terrified for days afterwards but, ultimately, this act of change proved to be one of the best decisions that I’ve ever made.

Certain things in my life really weren’t working well at that time. I knew this but, I wasn’t doing anything about it. Instead, I spent close to a year in a world of turmoil coping with a tense work environment, other people’s drama and an overall sense of discontent because I wasn’t acting on what I knew. Eventually though, regardless of how stubborn you are, God never fails to get your attention!!! On Ash Wednesday in 2004, God decided that I would no longer be “all talk” and whether I liked or not…it was time to act!!

While I don’t think that this Lenten season will be quite the emotional roller coaster ride that it has been in the past, it is certainly going to demand changes in my life. In six days I will move into our new home and adjust to a new routine. In six weeks I will travel to a new country and adjust to 26 consecutive hours of travelling and a very restless husband! And every day in between, I will demand action on my part…action that brings me closer to becoming the very best version of myself that I can be. If for no other reason than because forty days of giving up Cadbury Mini Eggs seems pale in comparison to forty days spent fasting in the desert!!

I wish you all a blessed and transformative Lenten season!
May the force be with you and may the Cadbury Bunny keep its distance ;)

About three years ago, I was having a difficult time with one of my friends and I was struggling even more about how to discuss it with her. Something had happened between us at the hands of someone else and while the two of us were slowly picking up the pieces from it, we had to discuss the implications of what we went through.

Finally, one day, something had really upset me and I decided that I needed to talk to her about the incidence once and for all. She came to our apartment that night and with me in tears on the couch, I told her how I had been feeling. She was so wonderful and gracious about it, and most of all, made it so easy to say what I needed to say. When the flood gate of my emotions had finally subsided, she looked at me with the most beautiful sincerity and finally asked me why it had taken me so long to bring this up. I told her that I was afraid that she wouldn’t want to be friends anymore and that, for awhile, the unspoken was easier to deal with than the spoken. A look of great compassion came across her face and then she said one of the most impactful things that anyone has ever said to me; She said to me that when all else failed, she always wanted Steve and I to know that we were safe in her friendship. For most of my life I had struggled with trying to express what I needed out of friendship and this sort of articulation was exactly what I had felt but had been unable to verbalize. I needed people in life that weren’t conditional…people that were safe to share my vulnerability and humility with…people who, if need be, would openly discuss my fears and concerns without it being a threat to the friendship. This sort of relationship is very difficult to come by but, at long last, I finally found the words to describe the ones that did exist.

As you may have noticed (here’s hoping), this site is now found under a different web address. I’ve been having some unwelcome visitors as of late and it was beginning to take away from my feeling of safety among friends. I’m well aware of the fact that if you decide to post parts of your life on the internet, then there is only so much “safety” that you can expect in return. However, in the last little while, people have not only been visiting much more frequently, but some people have been going out of their way to try and do so anonymously. This bothers me! Believe me, I’m the first to admit that blog sites offer up a means of involvement into people’s lives that also provide distance and discretion. I myself have enjoyed checking in on people at arm’s length but, as soon as people gave me the impression that there was something to hide…it was time to make a change.

For the most part, I feel very safe with the visitors that come by my site. I enjoy sharing my day to day life with you and I gather from the numerous visits, that you enjoy being a part of it too. Not only has it given me a means to keep in touch on a more regular basis but, it has also proven to be a very cathartic outlet for me as well. I don’t even mind the strangers that come by…many of whom find the site through various google searches and some of which have continued to return but, I’ve been watching my sitemeter carefully lately for a string of visitors that, when I put the various pieces together, made me feel uneasy. It’s possible that I know them (at least some of them) and it’s also possible that they are hiding their identity for a reason. Whatever that reason may be though…I thought it was time to give myself and my cyber friends a bit more safety. This was always meant to be a place in which we could connect and keep in touch…share comments and make the distance between us a bit smaller. We are meant to be safe here among ourselves and I plan to do my best to keep it that way.

My Name is Gen...

I am a wife. I am a daughter and I am a grand-daughter. I am a sister. I am a niece and I am an aunt. I am a friend. I am a Catholic. I am a child of God. I am addicted to Facebook. I am the year of the horse and gaelic for white wave. I am a summer baby and the sign of Cancer. I am a reader and I am a writer. I am putting my life on paper. I am the victim of people's hair fetishes. I am a lover of Gap commercial and strawberry season. I am a teacher and I am a student. I am an athlete. I am a colleague. I am a blogger. I am a Starbucks junkie. I am an Ottawa Senators fan. I am a Canadian. I am lost without peanut butter. I am a safe haven for stray animals and a follower of butterflies. I am a peacemaker at heart and a fighter when provoked. I am the alter ego of a wolf and a politician in a past life. I am urban. I am so in love with my husband that I can't even see straight. I am happiest at home. I am most comfortable in my flip-flops. I am a fabulous photograph on my driver’s license. I am one of the less than 1% of the population who have completed a marathon. I am finding forgiveness in my heart. I am organized. I am creative. I am a slave to detail. I am a musical creature who can't carry a tune. I am a communications major. I am a volleyball all-star. I am an only child and the baby of the family. I am a work in progress and always in recovery from something. I am a leader. I am watching a re-run of Sex & the City. I am a new homeowner. I am shopping for furniture. I am constantly seeking balance. I am in admiration of those who can sing. I am a people watcher. I am grateful for the gift of health and love. I am a believer that the more naps you take, means the more awakenings you will have. I am often wondering what happens next. I am proof that time heals all wounds. I am in information overload. I am no longer frustrated with my computer. I am looking forward to having coffee with friends. I am a Pace Bunny. I am the driver of a standard vehicle. I am a frequent visitor of any bookstore. I am one of many Smyths. I am a woman of mystery. I am craving chocolate. I am saying farewell. I am someone's long lost relative. I am bound for Australia. I am longing for a warm bath. I am enchanted by my friends. I am counting down the minutes. I am praying for guidance and hoping for a miracle. I am remembering days gone by. I am always looking for my keys. I am smelling something yummy. I am nursing my sore legs and nurturing my tired soul. I am a night hawk. I am inspired. I am afraid of thunderstorms and losing the people that I love. I am discovering a whole new side of myself. I am a runner. I am raising my hands to the heavens and I am thanking my lucky stars. I am beyond your peripheral vision and I am Daddy’s little girl. I am convinced that, as the saying goes, not all who wander, are lost.

My name is Gen...
AND I AM AT YOUR FINGERTIPS.

Dear Friends!

I’ve been running around aimlessly for the past ten days trying to keep up with the endless stretch of post-it notes that lay before me! I feel like my life at this time is a disarray of scribbles notes and random appointments that I either do or do not manage to remember. Really…what’s better than a life of chaos to keep you out of trouble?!?!

Anyways, my inbox is currently overflowing with messages that I had full intention of replying to but instead, have begun to haunt me in the night as yet another day goes by. As I turn off my light before bed, I can hear the likes of my hotmail and facebook accounts quietly whispering my name as a reminder of just how far behind I really am!

So what’s a girl to do when confronted with a panic-inducing schedual that has no end in sight??? She blogs!!!

I currently have a whole list of things that I’ve been meaning to write about (I’m sure it’s written on one of my post-it notes somewhere!!!) but right now, I will take this opportunity to use my blog as the “stress reliever/multi-tasker” that I so desperately need right now. While I would love to be able to sit down and reply to everyone one eloquent email at a time…the truth is, at this rate, your reply would likely come as a 2008 Christmas card sometime in early December!! That would be another perfectionist’s worst nightmare! So for this brief moment…I have a Starbucks in hand…the Blue Crush soundtrack on to induce mellow feelings of sun and surf…and my sexy laptop to let my fingers do the talking!! And it goes a little something like this…

Needless to say that 2008 has kept us on our toes and slightly out of trouble!! While Steve and I knew that the first half of the year was promising to be eventful, I don’t think either of us could have anticipated the constant thrill that comes with so much excitement…the most obvious of which being our new house. We have our final inspection next Tuesday and it will be the first time that we’ll see it completed and looking even remotely live-able. From the outside, it looks like home…on the inside, it’s still a mystery!!! I think that the two of us are enduring a slight case of the “second-guessing” phase regarding the endless choices that we had to make. Now that we are on the single digit countdown, it has also brought with it a unique anxiety about the final product. It’s been so long since we made those choices that we’ve almost forgot what to anticipate and in times like that, the imagination tends to take on a life of its own!! On the flip side though, we are, of course, beyond excited! After eight months waiting and planning, we are ready to take on our new home with a vengeance!! Slowly, as the days go by, our apartment looks more and more barren. Boxes are piled up against every wall and it’s becoming very apparent just how much stuff can really get collected when you stop looking!

A group of us ran the Hypothermic Half-Marathon yesterday morning and for lack of better words…it sucked!! We found ourselves in the deep frost of an 8am Sunday morning doing the same 2.5 kilometer stretch of the Experimental Farm EIGHT TIMES!!! I don’t think that I need to go into much depth here about just how boring this can be on a well-trained day nonetheless a day when your legs feel like lead! To make things even worse, we had to run right through the finish line in order to complete our last 1.1 kilometer only to find out that they actually stopped running the clock. Thanks for that Running Room!! Nothing makes a runner happier than having to imagine the misery of their finishing time (jerks!)!! On a good note though, I finally finished a race with Jesper, Kathy and Charlotte!! There isn’t three other people that I would rather be more miserable with than the three that I ran with!!! I’m sure that we’ll find ourselves laughing about this race in due time but, when I came home tonight, I found a registration form for the Ottawa Race Weekend in my mailbox and the only thing I could think was “Pfft”!!!!! So as of right now...I'm not laughing yet!!!

Plans for our trip are coming along nicely. In total, we have purchased a total of ten airline tickets and earned ourselves a boatload of points on our credit card!!! Like Canada, Australia is one of those places in which you can’t really see the Rockies and Niagara Falls in a day trip…hence, you will find yourself logging many miles in as little time as possible. All of our visas are arranged and our accommodations are reserved so really, the last thing left to do is figure out how to entertain ourselves for twenty-six hours worth of flying!!! I have a sneaking suspicious that I may find out things about my husband that I would rather not know!!

In the midst of all of this, there is of course work. Life at the Gallery is going well. We are opening the exhibit for the Saskatchewan sculptor, Joe Fafard, this week and it’s turning out to be quite the anticipated show. The reviews so far are wonderful and I’m really excited to see the installation once it’s complete. One of the most fascinating elements of working in an art gallery (for me anyways!) is when you get to work on an exhibit in which the artist is still living. It just brings such dimension and perspective to hear about it directly from the mouth of the creator and from my experience, they are generally so humbled to have their work shown in a national institution. It’s an incredible thing to be a part of.

On a side note, Lent is coming up. I’ve been thinking a lot lately about what commitment and sacrifices I want to make for Lent. I have been feeling lately as though I have not really been outwardly expressing the best version of myself that I could be and that upsets me a little bit. I’ve been so busy and caught up with things that I haven’t really been able to stop and take inventory on how I’ve been feeling of late. This has created a bit of an imbalance in some friendships of mine that are very important to me. I’ve been having emotions towards them that I am unable to explain, and therefore, have been unable to understand. I do know however, that as of late, I have been feeling anxious about whether or not I matter as much to some people in my life as they do to me. For some, this may seem like a silly concern but, for me, it leaves me feeling as though I need to protect myself. It leaves me feeling as though I can’t get too attached because I feel a strong possibility of coming to the harsh reality that my role in someone’s life wasn’t as I once thought.

There are two people in my life in particular that bring out this inner struggle in me. Both mean the world to me and both have such a strong sense of connection around them that I often wonder if there is any room in it for me. Steve says that we don’t always have to mean as much to others as they do to us, and for the most part (**sigh**), I would agree with that but sometimes, you just meet and know people that you want to “belong” to the same way they “belong” to you. And sometimes, the thought of not “belonging” to them hurts more than the thought of not having them at all. Do you think this is an only child thing?? Perhaps an abandonment thing?? Please…bring on the therapy!!!!! Anyways, this having been said, I’m trying to find a way to fit this fear and inner struggle into my Lenten commitment. I haven’t really shared much about this with anyone yet as this insecurity isn’t really something that I’m very proud of but, I realize now that it’s been making me sad…and while I probably should have shared it with God before sharing it here…I do hope He’ll understand!

So, here we are, nearly through the month of January already and I can hardly believe my eyes. There is this great new song by Raine Maida that I think of often right now. The chorus goes “If I knew now what I knew then…I’d back up and do it all again…I’d take a bow…take it real slow...take a ride down the yellow brick road…and wise up”. Every time I hear it, it reminds me of the days in elementary school when summer break seemed to take forever to go by and now, here we are, just wishing that the days would slow down long enough to write back to everyone one at a time instead of all at once. Wise up indeed!

Thank you to everyone that has touched based recently…I appreciate hearing from you!

Maureen…I haven’t forgotten about you…our conversation isn’t over yet!!

Kate…HAPPY BELATED BIRTHDAY beautiful girl. I wish I could have been there to tell you in person. xoxo.

Russ…what kind of radio station madness have you created over there in NB?!?!

Lesley…I have your buttons here ;)

“Victoria Chris”…the canal is open now and it makes me miss running with you!

Bermuda friend…we still haven’t convinced you into telling us who you are yet, huh?!?!?!

Abby...thank you thank you thank you for calling! I'm WILL call you back (and hopefully before your little one is old enough to answer the phone!!!!)!


Till next time everyone!!
Much love,
Gen xoxo

p.s. I'll post pictures soon and I’m sad Heath Ledger died ☹

About a month ago, I had coffee with a good friend of mine in from out of town. Sometime during our conversation, she mentioned to me that she didn’t think she was a very forgiving person. This struck me as surprising given that she’s one of the kindest people I know but it also made me start wondering about whether or not I was a very forgiving person.

I think that at first thought, I would say that I am perhaps an overly forgiving person but, when I truly take the time to properly reflect on it, I think that my sense of forgiveness has also gotten me in a lot of trouble. Given my nature to take a very extreme approach to life, this often applied to my laws of forgiveness as well. More often than not, the moment that I forgave someone, I assumed that it also meant giving them permission to repeat the same behaviour over and over again.

For all the forgiveness that I had in my heart though, I always found it really difficult to forgive people who didn’t ask for it and even harder to forgive someone who didn’t think that they needed forgiveness in the first place. This concept of forgiveness long eluded me.

I’ve been thinking about this a bit more lately as I begin to notice some of the visitors that have been coming by this site as of late. Some of the pieces are starting to fall into places and people that I thought were long left behind, have been very present in my life in ways that I hadn’t known. I’m not yet sure how I feel about this…

Forgiveness is essentially just a means of letting go. You end up bestowing freedom on yourself and/or another person so that you can walk peacefully through this life without being held hostage to the ghosts of your past hurts. There is a catch though…having forgiveness doesn’t mean that you have to have amnesia as well!!

I’m only now starting to learn that I can forgive someone without allowing myself to make the same mistakes twice. I really think that humility is one of the greatest qualities a person can have and the ability to say that you are sorry falls directly within the jurisdiction of humility. Something that I’ve learned though over the last eighteen months is that, in the same way some people simply don’t know how to say “I love you”…some people also don’t know how to say “I’m sorry”.

So what happens when people that once hurt you during your “all or nothing” days suddenly show up in your new and more forgiving cyberspace??

Is peeking into your life after years of having fallen out of it someone’s way of saying “I’m sorry” or is it just my way making the same mistake all over again??

Just when I thought my already splendid day couldn't get any better...I came home to a voice mail from Monica in Australia!! I hadn't so much as taken my coat off before I was on the phone calling her back!

Oh my, how la vie est belle!

This past Sunday, I had the opportunity to reconnect with an old friend. After seven years, we sat across from each other over coffee and picked up right where we left off. It’s hard to say why we ever lost touched with each other to begin with, but it became clear as we caught up on each other’s lives that it doesn’t even matter.

As we recalled our stories of challenges and triumphs, it was so interesting to see how quickly we fell back into the friendship that we once knew. Time may have passed, but the things that we once admired about each other never did.

The beauty of God’s intention becomes so clear to me in opportunities like this; we so often struggle to mourn and let go of relationships that once touched our lives, only to discover that they were never really gone to begin with. While it’s certainly true that sometimes, certain relationships are better left to be purged with time, but its also certainly true that sometimes God has other plans in mind!

Back when I was growing up in London, the local radio station would host a shun piker tour every Mother’s Day. Essentially, it was a region wide scavenger hunt in which we would follow one clue to another as we toured our way across South Western Ontario.

One particular year while doing the tour, my Mom and I traveled to a little farm just on the outskirts of the city. My Mom, being the social butterfly that she was, had lots to chat about with the farmers living and working on site. I, on the other hand, took it as an opportunity to roam the grounds and make some new friends of my own.

One of the new friends that I made was a little baby pig that couldn’t have been more than a couple of months old. I had never spent a lot of times around pigs before but, like most young children, I had very little fear regarding animals of any kind. Over the course of time that we spent on this farm (maybe an hour or so at the most), I became so attached to my new friend and wanted nothing more than to bring him home and make him part of the family.

Not long before we were to leave in search of our next destination, a young man came by looking for the little pig. When he finally found the two of us playing in the dirt, he approached me and took the pig in his arms. When I asked him where he was taking him, he simply looked at me like the true businessman that he was and said, “This little guy is going to the bacon maker”. I was mortified!! I cried the entire way home and have never eaten pork ever again.

That was nearly twenty years ago!

Sometimes, when I walk by a restaurant on Sunday morning and take in a whiff of bacon cooking in the distance…I find myself surprised at the fact that I have actually gone all this time without so much as tasting pork ever again. Even to this day, the smell of bacon quickly turns me into one of Pavlov’s dogs! How did I manage to give up something that I loved so much in an instant and more importantly, how did I stick to it?!?!? I mention this because Ash Wednesday is coming up on February 6th and that only leaves me with a couple of weeks to decide what I am going to give up for Lent.

I love the season of Lent. It’s simply such a time of renewal and spiritual reflection. I’ll be honest though…I usually find Lent really hard! In the past, I’ve given up such things as chocolate and cheese, and every time, I eagerly count down the days until I am permitted my favourite temptations again. Lent is only forty days long and yet, much like the New Year’s resolutions, it often becomes a struggle to uphold.

This year, I really want to make some serious changes in my life. They aren’t anything major or drastic but, certainly significant in their own right. They are changes that I have long wanted to begin merging into my life however, have always found a reason to put it aside. I’m beginning to wonder though, if the reason I have never braved this new challenge in my life is not so much because I’m afraid of succeeding but rather, because I’m afraid of failing…again!

As I child, I simply made a decision one day and that was it…and I never looked back. I wasn’t afraid of failure because it never occurred to me that I could fail. The psychology of habit and patterns didn’t have the same impact as they do now and in turn, I feel as a child, my only challenge was against my ten-year-old self and not a lifetime worth of ego and subconscious behaviour as well.

At long last though, I have come to the conclusion that now is as good a time as any to embrace my fear of failure and tackle the change that I have long wanted to bring into my life long term. I have about two weeks to decide on the best way to do so and then from there…I have forty days to conquer myself with a little extra “divine supervision”. I’m hoping that after that, my twenty-nine year old intention will meet up with my ten year old determination and make a person that my future, wiser self will be proud to look back on!

Wish me luck and lots of turkey bacon!

I know that my post yesterday was sucky. As a matter of fact, I felt sucky for most of the day yesterday and there is one simple reason for it…cancer is sucky. Losing people to cancer is sucky and living in a world without those people, even if they are strangers, is sucky.

But today is a new day and for each new day, the universe shows us new miracles and provides the opportunity for new balance again; A balance that we might not be inclined to see at the time but still exists nonetheless. In order to help reinstate a sense of balance in myself, I felt it appropriate to conclude my recent mention of death the only way I know how…with life. And in the coming months, there will be much of it to celebrate.

One of my very closest friends is having a baby!

My friend beautiful Marie, who you’ve heard mentioned here many times before, is one of the most wonderful people I know. I count myself extremely lucky to call her my friend and hope that we will have countless more years together to put under our belts. She is brilliant and ambitious, loyal and committed, humble and accepting, and most of all…has no idea just how spectacular she is. Even now, I’m sure that as she reads this, she’s rolling her eyes in humble disagreement! And my beautiful friend Marie is pregnant with a baby boy (or, as she puts it, she’s having “a dude”!!).

Her and her husband, Craig, have had to endure some very difficult times. They have gone through more in their young marriage than most will ever have to face in their whole lives. They have lasted through consecutive years of challenges and been given countless reasons to be angry with the world and yet, they are not. Instead, they take each step one at a time with a stamina and sense of humour that is most endearing. Marie often jokes that her and Craig are “all class” but, her jokes aside, there is so much more truth to that statement that she will ever know because it takes a great deal of maturity and refinement to take the consistent pounding of life and still maintain optimism. No one knows the eloquence of coping with adversity better than these two.

I wish that I could say that this new development in their lives was making up for all of their past roadblocks, but unfortunately, even this has forced them to find strength within themselves that is beyond the call of duty. Already, in the very early months of this miracle, they have had to cope with loss and make choices that none of us want to have to face. They have had to sacrifice one life for the possibility of another.

Finally though, after months of uncertainty, God has provided them with the gift of calmer seas. The waves have died down and now it’s a matter of finding their way back to shore. In about fives months, dry land will appear and the breath of life will turn their world upside down. In about five months, a little boy will open his eyes and have no idea just what a miracle he really is.

Baby Beckett…we are patiently waiting for you!! There’s a miracle on shore with your name on it…

Shine On...

Most of you may not know this about me, but one of my biggest fears is cancer. It is everywhere and it holds no prejudices. The very thought of the people that I love having to watch me be ill and having to endure the betrayal of my body terrifies me. Even my husband would agree that I have an abnormal fear of this disease. I fear that I would never have the strength to overcome and I fear that it would break my faith. I have no rationale for this fear. I have never experienced its angel of death first hand and if anything, I have all evidence to the contrary that it’s possible to conquer its odds. I only have its stories…and that it’s enough to make me pray every day for protection against its wrath.

About eight months ago, Marie and I stumbled onto the blog site for Marisa Vanderveen. Marisa is a 33 year-old, very devout Christian wife and Mother of three young children. In December of 2006, she was diagnosed with cancer and for the past year, this blog has become a sanctuary of sorts for those wanting to help carry the weight of her family’s pain. Most of the entries are posted by her husband, Mendelt, whose eloquence truly takes your breath away.

Marisa died this past December and not only left behind a beautiful family of her own, but she also left behind a family of readers desperately trying to make sense of it all. Mendelt continues to write about the struggle of life without his “rockstar” and the challenges that lie ahead.

This is my worst nightmare. And it’s not a Hollywood version of it either. It’s real.

Believe me when I say that it’s not easy to read this. However, it’s not easy not to read it either. Their strength and conviction is overwhelming. Their belief in the purity of God’s intention leaves you speechless. I’ve often heard it been said that when you marry someone, you are not only committing to them for life, but more importantly, you are committing to witness their lives. I’ve never seen a more beautiful display of a witness. Every week, every day, every minute, and every heartbeat of this cross they have had to bear.

Marie and I don’t know Marisa or her family, but we wept with them. I weep now as I write this for I can hardly imagine anything more unfair that what this husband now has to live through.

Lord, tonight I not only ask you, but I beg…I beg of you to give Marisa’s family the strength and peace to get through each day. I beg of you to wrap them up in your arms and remind them of your undying love during the dark days to come.

And to Marisa…who’s life and legacy, though I never knew personally, has touched my life immensely. Your faith has helped turn my fear of death into an insatiable desire to live. As your husband so wonderfully said…Shine on.

As my friends and I approach the final days of our training for the Hypothermic Half-Marathon (yes, it's actually called that!), I am reminded that we are also fast approaching an even more significant landmark...our one year anniversary of running together!! Seriously, for an entire year, we have met nearly every Sunday morning to run together. While most of the time, we have met to train for a specific race, I'll be the first to admit that I often get out of bed on a cold Sunday morning for no other reason than to see their smiling faces!!

The past year of running the Ottawa landscapes alongside them feels like I have experienced a lifetime of friendship in their presence. As any runner with tried and true training partners can attest to...friendships created at the hands of running shoes extends far beyond the finish line. We have endured accomplishment and disappointment together. We have endured joy and discouragement. We have experience great loss and hopeful progression. We have endured tears and oh so many laughs. We have endured rain and heat and snow and yes, we have even endured days in which we have given up altogether and just gone out for coffee instead!! Through all of this though, we have endured an unwavering commitment to each other and to our sport that has surpassed any of life's curve balls.

This friendship however, is a by-product of something even bigger than us…a crazy little dream to race the clock and our own limitations. A shared desire to push our bodies to new extremes initially brought us together and has become a goal that we constantly pursue. As our friendship grows, the walls built around us crumble to the ground and show a whole new realm of possibilities. In doing so though, there are times when we catch ourselves wondering time and time again…why?? Why do we run countless miles just so we can do it again with the clock ticking at the finish line??

In honor of my running friends near and far, it seemed appropriate to share this essay that I found that prominently stays glued to our fridge door! I think that it accurately answers that very elusive question that plagues almost every runner when our warm beds gently whisper our names…but the pavement seems to call it from the rooftops!

Why Do I Run?
By George Sheehan

Why do I run? I have written over the years of the benefits I receive from running. Enumerated the physical and mental changes. Listed the emotional and spiritual gains. Charted the improvement that has taken place in my person and my life. What I have not emphasized is how transient these values and virtues are.

With just a little thought, however, it should be evident that physical laws parallel those of the mind and the spirit. We know that the effects of training are temporary. I cannot put fitness in the bank. If inactive, I will detrain in even less time than it took me to get in shape. And since my entire persona is influenced by my running program, I must be constantly in training. Otherwise the sedentary life will inexorably reduce my mental and emotional well-being.

So, I run each day to preserve the self I attained the day before. And coupled with this is the desire to secure the self yet to be. There can be no let up. If I do not run I will eventually lose all I have gained-and my future with it.

Maintenance was a favorite topic of Eric Hoffer. It made the difference, said the former longshoreman, between a country that was successful and one that failed. However magnificent the achievement, without constant care the result was decay.

I know the experience intimately. There is nothing more brief than a laurel. Victory is of the moment. It must be followed by another victory and then another. I have to run just to stay in place.

Excellence is not something attained and put in a trophy case. It is not sought after, achieved and, thereafter, a steady state. It is a momentary phenomenon, a rare conjunction of body, mind, and spirit at one's peak. Should I come to that peak I cannot stay there. I must start each day at the bottom and climb to the top. And then beyond that peak to another and yet another.

Through running I have learned what I can be and do. My body is now sensitive to the slightest change. It is particularly aware of any decline or decay. I can feel this lessening of the "me" that I have come to think of myself.

Running has made this new me. Taken the raw material and honed it and delivered it back ready to do the work of a human being. I run so I do not lose the me I was yesterday and the me I might become tomorrow.

Quick question (very "à la Sex & the City")...

When two people break-up...where does the love go???

Any thoughts?!?!?

Heather and Roberta have this really sweet little cat living with them named Marty! He’s a tabby cat with a Garfield like face and a fairly mysterious past. He lives very comfortably in their wonderful home and over time, they have all become one big happy family!! This wasn’t always the case though…

For a long time, Marty was a stray that used to roam around Heather and Roberta’s backyard. Something led him to their place and for many months, he would just live in the hidden corners of their property and silently observe the humans that occupied the space. All the while though, he was also being watched in return. While Marty was busy sizing up Heather and Roberta, they were patiently watching their furry friend as he explored their world. Pretty soon, Roberta felt that they had danced around each long enough and slowly persuaded him into a deeper relationship. But this was no easy task! Roberta had to find a way to let Marty know that she was aware of his presence, yet had to do so in a manner that wouldn’t scare him off. Observing from a distance is delicate relationship at the best of times, nonetheless with a feline!! Roberta started off by leaving food out for him and over time, was able to make contact with him. It took many, many weeks to develop but eventually, Roberta convinced Marty that he was welcome in their home and just like that, a family was made.

I was thinking of this story today as I was telling Steve about the many visitors that have come by the site in recent months. Thanks to technology, I am able to monitor various statistics produced by my site, most namely, whereabouts in the world our guests are from. As a writer, this has helped me to understand what people are looking for when they come across my world but as a blogger, this has also left me feeling both like the stray cat and the owner of the house!

Back when I first starting blogging, I would often visit Lesley’s blog site and like Marty, I would watch from a distance. From the safety of my computer, I would glimpse into the life of the Patron Saint of Perpetual Dynamite and it never once occurred to me that she was also watching me…visiting via Internet Explorer from the Nation’s Capital!! At one point in time, she mentioned on her blog that she had a regular visitor from Ottawa and was curious to know who…I was mortified!!! Could she see me?!?!? Did my computer somehow leave a little note on hers that said “Gen was here and peeking into your life”?!?! How could the anonymity of cyberspace have betrayed me like that!?! As it turns out, my fingerprints hadn’t actually appeared on her screen…just my location and server!! But still…

Eventually, after about four months of leaving a little trail to her doorway for me…I left a comment on her blog about one of her post and just like that…we were fast friends! She had gained my trust and I no longer felt the need to hideout in her backyard…I was now ready to become a member of her blogging family!!

Over the past year, since Lesley helped me set up my own site meter (!!!), the tides have turned and I have noticed a few little visitors of my own. I have my “usual suspects” that have always made cyberspace feel like home and I even have some new members of the family that have joined in along the way but, there are still a handful of visitors that I just haven’t managed to lure into the house yet!! There is a long time visitor from Fort Worth Texas, a new visitor from Toronto using acanac.net, a cogeco user from Windsor (Aunt Diane…is that you?!?!), a number of Rogers Cable visitors, someone from the University of New Brunswick and my most intriguing…a guest from Hamilton, Bermuda using logic.bm (how fabulous!). It truly amazes me what (and who) technology has suddenly brought to our fingertips!

So, understanding how delicate this mysterious relationship can be…I don’t want to scare you off or anything but, after many weeks of watching you watching me…I invite you...

Or, for lack of a better expression…I guess we could say that the cat’s out of the bag…!!!

Every year, as December 31st comes to a close, I want nothing more than to begin the next calendar with a clean slate and an organized life. Nothing brings me more dread than the idea of starting a new year with loose ends contaminating my fresh new calendar pages.

This year, as the clock struck midnight, I began 2008 with nothing that even remotely looked like this!! With my bad hair day, a body full of sick germs and a to-do list that was growing faster than I could keep up with it, my start to the new year was becoming a perfectionist’s worst nightmare! That’s why it was so important to take this past weekend and get through the remainder of my 2007 chores…so that, at the very least, I could begin the first full week of 2008 on the right foot.

Having this past weekend almost entirely commitment-free enabled me to catch up on most of the things that I couldn’t do while I was held prisoner by my holiday sickness. I cleaned my office and our apartment, I planned my last four weeks of training leading up to the Hypothermic Half-Marathon, we finished most of the planning for our trip to Australia (most importantly, I learned that there are thirteen Starbucks in the Sydney area!), we organized all of the important dates leading up to our move and I even had enough time to go for a big run and watch the Junior Hockey Team kick ass! It was just the forty-eight hours that I needed to get back on track! Except for one thing…I still hadn’t chosen my New Year’s Resolutions!!

One of my favourite things about the New Year is choosing resolutions but, I’ll admit, I usually fail hopelessly at them! I usually make some big, ambitious resolution that inevitably comes crumbling down around me come mid-February!! That’s okay though…what fun is a resolution if you can’t look back with a pitiful sigh of despair as you’ve watched it slip through your fingers again?!?!?

Anyways, I think that I’ve decided what mine will be for this year…

Do any of you have one of those people in your life whose world seems painfully perfect all the time?!?! I’m willing to guess that most women do and if you’re really lucky…it’s another woman that you don’t particularly like a whole lot (that’s where the “painfully” part comes in!!!). If you don’t know what I’m talking about, then allow me to summarize for you what this drug of choice is really like...

For some reason, everything about their life just seems to effortlessly fall into place all the time and you’re convinced that it’s done just in spite of you! For some of us (especially if their life is accessible on-line), their perfection almost becomes obsessive. Through the likes of Facebook, blog sites and MySpace, you are entitled to pick your poison as you end up constantly comparing yourself to their perfect life in their perfect house with their perfect jobs and perfect hair while they go on their perfect trips with their perfect budget, likely fine tuning all the perfect skills and perfect talents that you so happen to not possess! Cruel, isn’t it?!?!

All this to say that, I too, have fallen victim to this self-inflicted form of torture as well and my New Year’s resolution is to free myself from the bondage of comparison that I have subjected myself to. Almost unknowingly, I click on the link to her blog site and read her entries almost as a reminder of how inadequate my own life is in comparison. Like an addict, I then feel the on set of guilt for having “fallen off the wagon” yet again in a moment of weakness. Stupid, I know! I’ve said it once and I’ll say it again…we’re all in recovery from something! Most of us have a tendency towards self-destructive behaviour of some kind…this, is mine! When I feel down and out, it’s always the shovel that throws the last pile of dirt that is determined to bury my self-esteem.

This year…I will no longer do this. This year, the girl that inflicted doubt and insecurity on me years ago, won’t make me feel small anymore. The perfectionist in me can do that enough all by herself!! This year, I will kindly remind myself (as many times as necessary) that we are all a work in progress and that most of all…things are never quite as they appear, especially through the eyes of overly-focused, cyberspace savvy women like me!

This year…will be different! At least until mid-February sometime!

Congratulations to Abby and Alex, who are the proud new parents of a baby boy, Charles Isaac, weighing in at 6 and a half pounds!!

Baby Charles wasn’t due until January 12th but decided to make an early appearance instead; arriving at 2am on the morning of January 5th. Just like his mommy, he appears to be right on top of things!!! I can’t wait to meet him!

This is the beginning of many new faces for us in 2008. Almost every month (for the first half of the year anyways) will bring with it beautiful new miracles. Next up…Baby Smit due in March and after that (and one that I am very excited about) is Baby Girl Tanguay, due in April. For the record too, both Rachel and Anne are two of the hottest pregnant woman I know…seriously, they are absolutely smokin’ mommies!!!

Welcome to the world little man…it’s a fun ride!!!

Just open your eyes...
and see that life is beautiful...

Steve and I signed our mortgage papers last night and then I couldn’t breathe properly for entire hour afterwards!!

I have been very calm and collected about this entire process for nearly eight months now but, as I signed my name on the dotted line, I was reminded of the emotions I felt on my first day of high school. For the better part of two years, my friends and I couldn’t wait to start high school and then, finally, on that first day in September of 1992, I quickly realized that I was no longer a big fish in a small pond…I was now a very small fish in a much bigger pond…and I was terrified!!!

To be frank, the likes of Steve and I are a hot commodity in the renting world. We are a young married couple with good, steady jobs, making very respectable incomes and we don’t have any kids or pets…we are a landlord’s dream!!! And in a university town like Ottawa…we are highly outnumbered by student slobs with no money!! With this being said, the world of renting is much like shopping in the market…everything is negotiable. Of course, there are guidelines and a certain “understanding” but, for the most part, the vendors need you as much as you need them and this makes renting more of a game than a business deal.

However, as I sat across the desk from our banker and listened to her discuss lawyers and interest rates, I suddenly felt like I was no longer shopping in the market, but instead, I was suddenly doing business with the local drug dealers!! They don’t care who you are, what you are like or what your circumstances are…these are the rules, this is the bottom line and if you don’t follow the rules, they will hunt you down, bust your knee caps and then take your house away!!! Banks mean business and this new pond is full of them!!

So, there you have it…we are small fish in a big pond again (manically protecting our knee caps!)!! Oh, the misery of being a small fish!! But, while I get used to being the new kid on the block again…I will have at least one fine thing that couldn’t be found in the small pond…equity and big soaker tub in my bathroom!!!

CHA-CHING!!

When I was growing up, I quickly became accustomed to the unique tendencies of living amongst divorced parents. My mom and her family lived in London while my dad and his family lived between Ottawa and Montreal. While I spent ninety percent of my time growing up with my mom, there was always the understanding that holidays, summers and birthdays were shared amongst everyone. I’ll be the first to admit that it was definitely a busy childhood and I’m sure that my parents felt the same way however, for all its endless travel, it certainly made me feel very loved…people all over the province were constantly awaiting my arrival!

The adventure of flying the skies on my own to all of these exotic places (yes, Ottawa seemed exotic at the time!) let my imagination run wild. Many unexpected things happened over the course of my ten years of flying as an unaccompanied minor and I smile every time I think back to the experience of departing and arriving at various destinations throughout my life. Even now, I have a particular fondness for airports that I can’t help but credit to my younger days.

The one pit fall of airports though, is that in all likelihood (at least during my experiences of travelling), you are leaving one person and meeting another. In the case of my parents, my travels often reflected my mental state towards the break up of my family…always in mid-air between one or the other…saying goodbye and saying hello all at the same time…tears of sadness and thrills of joy…the pendulum never seemed to stop swinging. This experience, while giving me great confidence that I was loved immensely as a child, also gave me a very altered perception regarding the concept of missing someone.

I can say without a doubt that no matter where I was, I always missed one of my parents. When I was in London with my mom, I missed the excitement of being with my dad, and when I was in Ottawa with my dad, I missed the comfort and protection of my mother. Because this was all that I had known all my life, it never occurred to me that some people experienced life differently. I vividly remember one occasion in which my dad came to visit me in London. I don’t remember why he was there or what we did during his visit but, I remember him leaving. I remember clinging on to the fence at the airport next to the runway as his flight took off and I cried and cried and cried, begging my dad not to leave. I sat on the ground, holding on to that fence for what seemed like hours as I watched his plane become smaller and smaller on the horizon until once again, he was gone. When I was finally willing to let go of the fence and head home, I turned around and saw the deepest look of sadness on my mother’s face. It wasn’t a look that reflected sadness for what I was feeling, it was sadness that expressed fear and insecurity; a fear that somehow meant that missing my father meant hurting my mother. Obviously, my young mind never meant to hurt my mother through my actions and obviously, my mother never meant to imply that I loved her any less. I have come to believe that this sort of emotional spectrum is the natural by-product of a divorced family.

As an adult, I have grown out of my fear of missing people. I have lived and learned in a way that enables me to now know that to miss someone means that you have been blessed by someone’s life in a way that has touched your own. To miss someone is a gift, albeit a somewhat trying one at times. To miss someone, especially if they miss you in return, is the great aftermath of loving and longing…it’s what all great stories are made of!!

I mention this because last week, Jeff, Monica, Rohan and Priya moved to Australia. For the next year, their home will be under the Southern Cross instead of Orion’s Belt. This is so hard for me because I am in love with their entire family and just knowing that they are on the other side of the world makes my heart ache for them. Jeff is the big brother that I never had and while he teases me relentlessly, I know that if need be, he would be there for me in a heartbeat. Monica is not only my amazing sister-in-law, but by far one of my closest friends and getting through the days without our weekly phone calls will leave me longing to hear her voice. As for the kids, we already miss hearing about Priya’s ballet classes and Rohan’s new words. As I miss them though, I find myself smiling at the very thought of them. Steve and I are very blessed to have an extremely close relationship with them and while it’s not easy to miss their day to day life, it’s a trade worth making for the coming year. Life is full of give and take and right now, we have to give them away for a bit in order to get them back later.

Relationships, whether they are near or far, require work. They require the effort to keep in touch and stay involved in each other’s lives. No man is an island and they can’t be treated as such. Clearly, our weekend visits and regular phone calls won’t be possible during the next twelve months but, for this particular situation, our problem solving skills have come up with the next best solution…two plane tickets to Sydney, Australia!!!!!

We leave April 1st…!!!!

Uncle Steve and Priya

Gen and Monica

Auntie Gen and Priya

Jeff, my partner in photographic crime!

Auntie Gen and Rohan

One year ago today, my dad called our place first thing in the morning to say that he had a feeling that 2007 was going to be a really good year for us. And it was! Now, a year later, I can look back on the year with a bit of perspective and bid it farewell with the fondest of memories.

At midnight, we looked out our patio window at the fireworks going off over Parliament Hill and it occured to me how many mixed emotions must be had regarding the new year. As I listened to people down the street greet 2008 with drunken cheers and laughter, I can only imagine that some must feel sheer relief at having survived a year that took everything out of them. I'm sure that many people struggled in 2007 and others experienced some of the best moments of their lives. Like all other things though, the sun will rise and set on yet another day, and we must welcome the new year with the same inevitability of each season.

For Steve and I, 2007 came as a wave. 2006 was challenging for a number of reasons and in turn, we embraced 2007 with the kind of gratitude that only comes when you don't have a whole lot more to give. While the year was mild and rather undramatic, we were grateful for this because every now and then, riding the wave and letting the ocean do the work is exactly what you need. It's a good thing that we both know how to surf!

Looking back, the year possessed many joyous moments; we bought our house and have witnessed its construction since the foundation. We were blessed to greet two beautiful new children to the world; Miles and Virginie. We made glorious new friends and found the strength to let go of others. We celebrated the amazing union of Heather and Roberta and watched Baby Rohan embrace his first year, despite its road blocks along the way.

Personally, I found a degree of peacefulness this year that I have longed yearned for. I achieved one thing on my list of "100 things to do before I die"...being a pace bunny for the Ottawa Race Weekend. I made incredible new friends this past year and reconnected with old ones (thank you Facebook!). I learned hard lessons...AGAIN!

As I begin the first day of 2008, it's hard not to do so with great anticipation. Any new start is exciting but, this year in particular, holds great potential for Steve and I. We move into our new home in six weeks. We are going on the trip of a lifetime six weeks after that and I'm quite certain that the adventures of 2008 aren't going to stop there!

Sometimes you just open your eyes in the morning and know that the world is exactly as it should be!

To all of my friends, family and anyone else who "stops by" from time to time...I wish you a year of health, wealth and happiness. A year of adventure, prosperity and hopefully, you will find that perfect wave and ride it until the ocean deems it time to find a new surfboard!!

Happy New Year!